Coral’s Healing Room at 505-269-9242 I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

My name is Coral and I am here to love you!

I have searched high and low to find my calling and my life’s purpose. I have come to accept that I need only love and to be of service. I am here to love you and to help you, however I am able. Thank you for being here. I love you!

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic…

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Happy Thursday everyone! I’m not going to lie man. I’m worried about some of you! Truly. I want you to be well more than you do and I do not fucking get it! I see you…your worth, your potential…I see you and you don’t. I love you and you don’t. I want you and you don’t. I value you and you don’t. This has to stop my friends. This has to fucking stop! We cannot save the animals or the voiceless amongst us if we are inaccessible to our own selves, can we? We cannot truly embrace the broken in our midst if we do not right ourselves. We are broken. We are broken and we need to take some down time and mend ourselves. We need to do this now so that we can rise the fuck up! Those beatings you took…I took them too…the words and the disregard…I hear it too. Here’s the thing, those beatings do not define us unless we allow them to. Those words are our fuel and our momentum, if we will just allow them to be. This hell is the platform to launch us into the heavens. Like it or not, we are all we’ve got! We have to take care of us so that we can advocate for them. We must realize how important and instrumental we are in their fight. Before we can begin to do any of this, we must love ourselves as we love them. We must offer ourselves the same compassion that we offer them. We must love one another. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

I come here some days and I just fucking can’t. One too many snickers as I pass by…one too may disappointments because of my own expectations. One too many trash cans slamming down on my fucking head. I just can’t some days. Today though…today, I fucking can and I will. Today, I will come here and write for us all. Today I will talk shit and today I may offend you. I will call you out and call you up. What the fuck are you doing? In the bottom of that fucking bottle, what in the fuck are you doing? Besides lying about it, what are you doing to set it down? Truly…look at you, lying to us and thinking we don’t see right through you. Look at you, lying to you, and fucking buying it. Jesus man, come the fuck up here and let me see that tear-stained face. Lying to me is nothing…I just won’t. Lying to you though…you won’t make it out of this alive if you don’t fucking stop. You are going to lose it all if you do not set that fucking bottle down. Your home, your husband, your car…your job, your wife, your freedom…you are pissing it all away and I cannot help but to stand here and beg you to fucking stop. Those pills you toss in your mouth…you know the ones not prescribed for you…ya you. Look at you. Just fucking look at you. Can you even see you anymore? Because I cannot. I cannot see you anymore. I feel you and I love you and I fucking miss you. Do you miss you? Between the lies and the hiding, the mania and the fallout, that you blame on everyone but yourself, do you miss you? I am here to tell you that your absence is noticed. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

We are all sick. Many of us sicker than others. We all have our vices. We drink. We eat. We smoke. We gamble. We fuck. We fight. We are not so different from each other. We all have our own demons and they fucking come for us, don’t they? When we finally fall too far, they are right there waiting for us, to pull us down and rob us of our own souls. Aren’t you tired of this? Are you not so fucking exhausted by all of this rhetoric? Don’t your lies nauseate you as much as they nauseate the rest of us? Truly…where is your truth man. Your truth. Not mine. Not hers. Not his. Where is your truth. Why are you here? What are you doing with your life? My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

I am not mad at you. I’m not disappointed in you. I just fucking love you so much. It pains me to see you so busted. It kills me to see you hurt. I hate watching you fall apart. I hate seeing the people who love you the very most hurting at your behavior. Truth is, you’re kind of an asshole man. You aren’t thinking of anyone but you. You do not even see the wreckage in your path,do you? This road you’re on…it is not going to end well if you don’t pull yourself together. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Hi. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I am sick like you. My thinking stinks, like yours does. Your stories are triggering the shit out of my own, for I also am an alcoholic. I hate to see you this way and I’m kind of upset with you right now. I’m not going to lie man. I am rooting for you and I fucking love you and it hurts me to the core to feel your pain. I know you’re sick. I’m sick too. I want you to have what I have, and I am so sad that you won’t come with me and get it. I am not PC. I will never be PC. So I’m just saying it how I see and feel it. I mean no disrespect and I’m not trying to step out of bounds. I am not mad. I am just really, really sad that you don’t see you as I see you. I am really sad that you do not love you as I love you. I am really crushed that you don’t love you enough to stop destroying yourself. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. You are my friend and I am worried about you. I love you and I am here for you.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Did I mention that I am home?

Happy Wednesday everyone! Did I mention that I am home?!

I have been away and with some amazing clients, at the home of some of our very dearest friends. I am always so at home there and so welcome there and so loved there. Even when they are away, they love me. They leave me the best vegan goodies! They leave fresh linens and fill the refrigerator of my favorite things! Best clients ever at loving me like a verb. My mom got sick and they flexed so I wouldn’t lose my pay. My mom died and they were at the mortuary for the viewing, the day that my very soul cracked. Every single moment since, and every bottom that fell out, they have loved me so, so much…like a verb, always, in all ways. Janet and William have become our close and dearest friends, our family actually…our chosen family. Being in their home is home also. Home is where you are safe and loved and always welcome. Home is a place prepared. Thank you William and Janet, Teddy, Alice and Penn for being so fucking amazing! Thank you for your love. Thank you for inviting me into your sacred space to love the ones whom you love more than anyone else; while you are away. Thank you for all of your love, like a verb, for your friendship and for believing in me and my work so, so much that we helped to bring Aiden home…and we walked Gypsy and Hannah home and we walk home together. I love you and appreciate you and thank you so much for being such a part of me!

Being away from our home is the best reminder of how blessed I am to have our home to come to. Being away from Tamara is the hardest part of anything I ever do. Seeing her before I fall asleep and watching her wake up…morning coffee and “light” conversation, as I’m learning (Thank you baby) are the best part of waking up….(you know you did it too…”is Folger’s in my cup…”). Seriously though…being away from her always brings me back to her…closer and more sacred…more beautiful and true…more real and honest…more raw and open. I am thankful I feel this way about the most amazing woman in the world! I love you Tamara. Thank you for taking care of everyone while I was away. I know you have been double-timing it for me for a while now. I thank you. I love you. I’m coming home baby! I’m coming home!

Spooning with Rocky and hugging Baby Taos…playing “shake your po po” with Aliah…nestling in Nahko Bear and Mala Bears fur and having Prajna sleep at my heart all night…watching Karma Kitty sleep in front of the fire…because I missed them so, so much. Taking Rocky’s face in my hands this morning and holding him close to me, I realized I missed them all for more than a few days…I miss them all for the time that I have been gone from me. I have seen them and touched them and been so unable to reach them since my Mom got sick. My bottom fell out and I just could not come back up. My bottom had more bottoms and the last bottom to fall out, I sank even lower than my first, and I just could not come back up. Hondo stood before me yesterday and I was with him, and I and so thankful to be back home!

Being away from home, and coming home, almost for the first time since my mom passed away, I got my head above water once again. I am breathing once again. I am home, once again. I haven’t had a breath since my last bottom fell out, when the man I trusted more than anyone, showed himself to be a liar. I finally took a breath, as I pulled into our driveway. Coming home yesterday morning, as the sun began to rise before me, with snow falling all around me, with Tamara’s voice on surround sound in my beautiful FJ, I thanked God for his mercy and for his grace, I shifted up a couple of gears, to get home to my girl. The snow fell softly. Pink blared through the speakers and I sang along, with my little big brother Jamie riding shotgun, queen amongst queens, with all of his heart singing louder than myself…I smiled a huge smile. I began to become myself again, to like myself and love myself again. “What About Us”…we are us! AND we are the best fucking part of us! All of us…we are the best part of us.

My world has been shaken and my PTSD has had her way with me for the last three years. Every time I get back up, I get knocked for a mother fucking loop! I come crashing to the ground and I cannot know how it happened. I am done with this cycle. My last bottom has fallen out. I am done with the drama that spins this fucking circus. I am done with the gas lighting and the bullshit. I am done talking about and consuming myself with the pain that rocked my fucking world. I am moving forward. That’s it. I am done back there, wondering, wishing, hoping. It is what it is. It has always ever been what it is. Nothing changes what it is.

I am an artist and a writer and a mother fucking poet. I have always been these things. I am love. I am learning what that means, to be love, to be loved, like a verb. I am a gifted and very blessed “healer”, although my views on that are that I am not. My hands…me…my words…those flow through me. The healing does not come from Coral and it never has and never will. I am a vessel, a portal, a voice…for the healer himself/herself/yourself/myself to enter in and to do their work. I am so blessed and so grateful and so thankful to be able to be who I am. I am so fucking excited to begin to know who that is! Thank you for being here with me while I figure things out. I love you. Did I mention that I am home?!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

I came to say thank you and I love you…

Good morning everyone! I love you! I really do love you! For each of you who sees me, I thank you. For every reach, text, call…for all of the prayers and your amazing love, I am so grateful!

I have been missing from me for so long…for so, so long. I have lost my way. I have fallen and although I have gotten back up, I am still unsteady. I am sober and yet my mind and my thinking are not always so. I am done slaying the same fucking demons…my own demons…the ones that just will not fucking quit. I teeter on the edge….I really fucking do sometimes. I am a few steps back from that edge now and everything I do and all that I am is dedicated to staying back…way the fuck back, from the edge that beckons and calls me to come closer, with no way in or out when the darkness consumes me. With a moments clarity in the disaster, I have been in constant prayer and meditation, that my demons set me free. I set them down and they chase after me and I grow weary and I fall prey…they drag me back across the threshold of today; to yesterday. My presence slips away and I am way back there again, weeping at what I cannot wrap my mind around…stuck in an abyss that knows no end. Sometimes, for days, for weeks, months and years, 45 years, to be more exact, I have been in and out of this abyss. On this day though, I am fighting the good fight! On this day, unsteady as I go, I am fucking going! Holding back the tears that have had time enough to sink my eyes and distort and age my face, as I say another prayer.

I have been gone from home for the last week. Driving home this morning, hearing Tamara’s voice in surround sound through my speakers, I could not help but smile. I turned Pink all the way up and I sang along to a song I could have written myself…”What About Us”….my little big brother sent this to me last night because he heard it and thought of me. Thank you brother. I hear me in this too. Thank you for seeing me, like a verb. I love you!

I had a slumber party with a dear friend last night and coffee on the couch before I headed home to my girl and our family and our home. I have the dearest friends and I am so blessed…so truly, truly blessed.

So, when I forget to remember how good I really have it, I thank each of you for reminding me. When I cannot speak or reach for you, thank you for reaching for me and for loving me anyway. When I spin and cannot stop, thank you for being a soft landing while I orient myself to gravity once again. When I cannot see my beauty or my worth, thank you for reminding me and for telling me how much you love me. I save all of your texts and emails and I hold them forever in my heart, as your love sustains me when I just. cannot. I feel your love and it keeps me going and I thank you.

Tamara, I had to put most of yours in a card 😘 Thank you, with all that I am for loving me through all of this. Thank you for keeping me safe and for loving me no matter what, for never throwing me away and for being the one for me, for always, in all ways. I love you and I thank you for loving me so, so much.

And, it is now afternoon, and I am off to go and see my beautiful girl. Settled in and slipping into snow gear, we are off to the beauty all around us, as we make our way through the snow to those we love the most. Happy Tuesday everyone! I love you!

This morning I write for my dear friend Taffy, who’s needs all of our love…

Good morning everyone! Please welcome my good buddy Taffy to the healing room this morning! Taffy is 14 years old and as you can see, he struggles with some physical ailments. Taffy just turned 14 on Thursday, February 14th. Taffy’s body struggles and yet his spirit soars! Taffy needs assistance for the body that carries his huge spirit and his enormous soul around. Taffy is love and today, I am asking you to send every last bit of love you have to our boy Taffy, his sister Lily and his Mom Nicole and his Father, Rod. This morning, they need us to lift them up and to hold them close. The struggle is real for Taffy and the struggle is just as real for his mom and dad who are carrying him through this storm. Lily, well, her highest self is all about Taffy’s highest good. Her “in body self” though…she is used to Taffy giving her hell, and he isn’t, because he can’t and so please send her all of your good juju this morning to love her bobo through this difficult journey.

We all have that special someone and Victor, well he sure was someone special. Just ask Rod or Nicole about Victor! Victor was the first angel that came down when I called for Taffy’s tribe to surround him. Victor pushes Taffy’s little ass right back across the rainbow bridge that he was trying to cross too soon, back to us, for a bit longer. Victor inhabits Taffy’s little body now much of the time, to help him keep wheeling himself along. Last night, just like I held little Aiden for twelve days, in recliners and felonious hands…in abandoned cars and sickness…I held Taffy. Taffy will not leave my arms, and I ask you to give all the love you mustered up for Aiden and his family for Taffy and his family now. As Taffy and I journey, as Morgan and Marne and I still journey, I ask each of you to lift us up. With all you’ve got this morning, please lift us all up in your love and healing light that we may love Taffy and his family to the brim and overflowing!

I have never really been able to explain my work. I realize as I write this morning that is because it needs no explanation. My work is my work and when it is done, it is forgotten. I once birthed a baby rhinoceros in the Serengeti. I still swim with Morgan and her calf Marne in Tenerife. I am always right next to Aiden and I go to see him every chance I get.

Aiden asks for your love for his buddy Taffy this morning. I never laid hands or eyes on Aiden until Aiden finally came home. My eyes, in my work, they are not what gives me the vision I need to do my work. My heart and my divinity…my love and my desire to spread God’s love and healing…my knowing and my acceptance that I am here to love us all home…that is one tool I use daily…and she has never once failed me. As I walk out of fear and into love, I thank Aiden and Taffy and Teddy and Alice and Penn…Gypsy and Hannah…Michael and Jackson and Sid…Rio and countless other clients who have walked me home. My interaction with these clients has inspired a shift for me in my work. This shift is to return to the Serengeti, where I did not give one fuck what people would think if I relayed my experience, of birthing a baby rhinoceros so that she could live, while her mommy died birthing her. I brought her in and I carried her mom out. When the time came, I picked up my own mother in my loving arms and I carried her home. That is who I am and that is how I do it. Actually, to be honest, I don’t do it. God uses me as a vessel to do what he cannot do without hands. I am merely an instrument used by the master himself, and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed. Thank you God, for choosing me to love your beautiful babies. Love is a verb and I am learning how to love as I am loved.

Taffy might have a day left. Taffy might have a week or a month or years left. We have no way of knowing, until we know. Taffy told me yesterday, as I gazed into his mother’s beautiful, sparkling and “Sherry blue” eyes, filled with tears, that until his soul leaves his eyes, he is all in. My mom opened her beautiful, sparkling blue eyes one last time, before the last time she opened her eyes…and the last time, her eyes were gray…for her soul had left the building. Taffy reminds us all that our eyes are the window to our soul. When that light goes out, the soul soars free and we bust out of the bodies that contained us and can no longer carry us. I saw my mom yesterday, in Nicole’s eyes and I saw little Aiden in Taffy. I see you in me and me in you. As we walk each other home, sometimes we all need a little lift. Today, with all of my heart, I ask you to lift Taffy and his family up and that you love them with all you’ve got!

I hope you all have a beautiful Saturday and I ask you to please say with me, “We love you Taffy! We have got you in our loving arms! Let’s keep rolling big guy!”

Thank you for bringing color to my world…

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day of love yesterday! I had a beautiful day of love and I feel so, so blessed.

I won’t lie, there was a sting yesterday…an emptiness of things gone before. A void where my Mom and Dad once were…a sadness that could not be consoled. I sat silently all evening, gazing off into the nothingness…bringing my mind back in from wandering through times behind me, as much as possible. Thinking of Valentines Days gone from me, I began again yesterday, to make this day my day of love. All of my love and gratitude for those who loved me so much, those whom are gone from me now. To my Mom in heaven, Happy Valentines Day Mom. I missed your strawberry cake and your cream puffs…your velvet heart box of chocolate candy and your beautiful red roses and glittery card. I miss you mom. I love you.

I cannot not feel as I’m feeling. I am doing my best to just sit with it and let it have its way with me until it passes. I am trying not to ask why and I am trying not to hurt. The truth is, I do hurt. I hurt so fucking bad that I can barely breathe. I hurt so deeply that I am paralyzed sometimes, and all I can muster the strength to do is to sit and stare into the nothingness. Wipe the tears from my cheeks and release the lump in my throat, and let it pass. I do this all of the time, to acknowledge the pain and to give it its space and then to set it free.

I could never have known how things would come to be. Nothing could have prepared me for the lies and the deception…the horror that rocked my life…the horror that embodied my life and held me in its grip for so long. I could never have heard the words, still unuttered, even as they ricochet through my mind and annihilate my very troubled soul. On Valentine’s Day, in the midst of amazing love, I just could not let go of the absence of love that brought me here. The candy heart conversations have ceased and the chocolate has all been eaten…the roses have wilted away and died…the cards stopped coming and the time is behind us. A life cut short too soon, to ever have the conversation I have always needed the most. Inside of me there is the conversation I will never have, with a person who is gone, about what in the fuck happened to me and my life. Yesterday, the reality hit me like a ton of little candy hearts…it is finished. It is all finished. There is nothing I can do. There is absolutely nothing I can do with all I have come to know. I’ve been carrying all of these bits and pieces around with me, praying they will somehow come together. These jagged little pieces will never come together, for they are not my pieces, and they never fucking were my pieces. I have been cutting myself on the shards of someone else. I have been left bleeding and scarred horribly by someone else’s transgressions. As I wade through the bullshit and the rhetoric, I begin to see the light of my new day. As my eyes open and I come to know the truth, my eyes fill up with tears and my heart starts to break in two…I shut it down. I think enough has been taken from me already. Enough love…enough time…enough of me…enough of being too much and of not being enough…enough of being an empty and hollow little valentine. Running along with Cupid, shooting my little Cupid bow and arrow..rallying up the love of the masses, with my lifeless and loveless and broken little heart. Enough! Enough! Enough!

I have based who I am upon where I came from. I have defined myself by the life that I was born into and to the ides of those who brought me here. I have adapted their stories and paid their debts…I have survived the unsurvivable. All of this, to be with all of you right now. Had one moment been different…had one horror not have happened, I would not be with you this morning. And so, for all of it…every single bit of it, this morning I bow and give thanks. I am so grateful for everyone and everything in my life, for it has brought me home to you.

I rise and I fall. I ebb and I flow. I try and I come up short. I hit and I miss. I wake up again and I give it all I’ve got to give. I am here for a purpose and I intend to fulfill my dharma. I will live my life from a new plateau now…from a heightened space where I can see and know the world around me. No longer lost in the crowd, I have become the stage. Let us all stand up here together and love this world back to good again.

Your past…no matter who you are, myself especially, is your past. It is behind you for a reason. Your parents, like my parents…they are just people. Flawed and fucked up and dysfunctional as all get out. Your nightmares are my own and the horror…I survived it too. The flashbacks and the blackouts…the PTSD and the trauma…yep, we share that also. And guess what, we fucking earned it! We earned our stripes, didn’t we, you and I? So why do we try so hard to hide our stripes? Why do we hide the very best of who we are behind the veils and the evils of those who refused to do their own fucking work? Why are we not shredding this fucking veil already? Why are we still standing behind it like it’s going to lift itself…like someone is coming to save us? There is no one coming to save us. There has never been anyone coming to save us my friends. We must save ourselves. Only we can save us now. Only we have ever been able to save ourselves. Knowing this and accepting this shall be the foundation for my life. There are no others.

As blessed as I am and as much as I am loved, sometimes the lesser loves that I have lost along the way, still hurt me. As much as I am, sometimes I forget. As far as I have come…I often fail to cheer myself on!. As much as I have, I often find myself wanting more. As much as all of this hurts, I am so thankful for the lessons. I am beyond thankful to have the most amazing girl on the world to love me no matter what…for amazing friends and dedicated and gifted angel therapists and doctors, placing their hands and intentions in me to heal the pain that a lifetime can no longer ignore. I am thankful that Shawn is back because of all the things I have ever lost, I missed my baby brother the very most. Through all of everything, my baby brother has meant so much to me and I thank God that we found our way back to one another.

Today, most of all…this girl is fucking blessed and so thankful for the love and abundance and beauty in her life! You are part of my color and part of my beauty and I am so glad you are here with me this morning! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Happy Valentines Day my loves!!!!!

Good morning everyone! Happy Valentines Day! I’m choosing which holidays to keep and which holidays to celebrate and this shall be my favorite! A day to celebrate our love. Today is of special importance to me, as I am finally home. Today reminds me of the love that blesses me every moment of every day, and the woman who bestows this love upon me. Happy Valentines Day to my love, Tamara. Every day is Valentine’s Day for us, as we love each other in all things. Ugly crying and shattered relationships…death and loss. We have hit some pretty low lows and we are on our way to soar the to the highest of heights together. I love you baby! I am so ready for all of the good things coming for us!! Thank you for carrying me through when I’ve been unable to carry myself.

Today is a new beginning for me and I am so, so thankful. I get to love and celebrate love on my terms. I get to make my own Valentines! I get to love learning what love is to me and how it isn’t so skewed anymore.

Today I woke up next to the most beautiful and amazing human being on the planet. We spent the morning together before we both had to head off and do our own thing for a bit. We get to be the love we want to be and see and know and feel in our lives. We get to project that love we put into the world with all of our hearts and I am so thankful, grateful and blessed on this day.

Every day is a day of love. Every day we have a choice. Every day I choose love. Valentines Day seems the perfect day to make a conscious decision to commit to choosing love at all times and in all things. Love or fear? I choose love. On this day and every day. More than New Years for me this year, is Valentines Day, my new beginning and my first breath of fresh air. My eyes are opening and my heart is coming forth. Today shall be the day that brings me back from the places I have been. Today I return home.

For each and every one of you, on this beautiful day of love…I send you all of my love. I remind you that you also have a choice, every day. Every moment of every day presents opportunity for choices. I invite you to choose love.

Happy Valentines Day my loves! I love you! Happy Valentines Day Tamara! You are my world and I love you with all of my heart, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond! Thank you for teaching me love and for loving me through my unloving places. We break on through to the other side…we burst into the flames of love! And so it is.

A brief update on my medical situation and a pause…

Good morning everyone. Thank you for all of the love yesterday. Here is a brief update on my medical situation for those interested. I had my pelvic injections yesterday morning and I spoke with my OBGYN about how they seem to not be working very well for me. I have done every treatment with less than 24 hours of relief following the injections. We have done injections and dual pudenal blocks, to no avail. Typically, women get about three weeks of relief. Again this morning, the relief has worn off for me, and so we find a different strategy. We are looking at spinal injections next and so ask for your love as we find what works for me. I am in deep tissue massage and acupuncture therapy twice a week for the clenching, which sciatica is largely responsible for, at this point. All in all, I feel very good and very positive about my healing. I am so thankful for my doctor and for everyone on her team and for our ability to overcome the adversity in the beginning, to have arrived in the beautiful space we are in now. I am so grateful for all of my therapists and for each person who has referred me and who has laid hands and hearts on me to get me well. Thank you for every prayer and for all of the love you have surrounded me in. I feel you and I love you and I thank you. We will just keep keeping on until we find what works. And so it is.

I have been pretty quiet as of late. My world got rocked all over the fucking place and I had to just set it all down. I will not go into detail because it really matters not. I will just say that I was recently hit harder than I have ever been hit by someone whom I never thought would harm me. I knew not what to do or say and all I have been able to feel is my heart breaking over and over and over again. The lies and the deception…the loss and the delusions of grandeur…fools gold and deception of epic proportions landed at my feet and I dropped to the ground in agony and disbelief. I have been down there, on my knees, in agony. I have seen what I came to see and I have done all that I can do. And so without further hesitation, I raise from my knees to my feet and I dust myself off and I begin the journey that I came here for in the first place. I begin the journey of Coral…and I could not be more excited, as I get to decide where we are going and to whom we allow inside of our sacred space. Many of you have shared sacred space with me and I thank you. Many of you have left sacred space with me and I thank you. I return from whence I came, to my true nature. As I shed what no longer serves me, I don a new cloak and I open my heart once more, to those who come in love and light and peace. To all others, the door is closed and you may continue walking past me. I shower you with love and light and blessings as you pass and I thank you for not darkening my door. My door, always open to everyone, is temporarily closed in mourning, and in acknowledgment of a time gone from me. My door is closed so that I may rest and rejuvenate and heal. For I cannot begin to save anyone from anything until I first learn to save myself. I cannot love you as I want to love you, until I dive within and love me the most first. And I will never be able to love or want enough for you, what you do not want for you. You also, must love you the most first. I take my hands off of all things that my hands do not belong on. I take my heart back. I take a pause for me, to do what I must do, before I rise from these ashes, for once and for all. I have come to let you know that I have come to let you go; if you are not here to love me. Love is a verb. Love feels like something is happening, not like the ricochet of empty and void places and hollow words. Love fills us up and does not deplete us. I turn inward to find this love so that I may turn outward and share it with all of you. And so it is.

As my boundaries become visible and I begin to honor them, I welcome myself home. I welcome us all home, for we have stayed too long in someone else’s story, haven’t we? We each have our own story to write and to tell and to live and to dream. We each have our own wants and our own desires and our own dreams. We truly do know what is best for ourselves, don’t we? I will always do my best to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves…the animals and the children at our mercy…I will always speak for them. I invite you to do the same. We must not be silent about the things that really matter. We must not wait for someone else to do something. We are someone and we must speak and act on the behalf of those who cannot. When our voices fall on deaf ears and our hearts shatter for someone else’s breaking for the last time, we will be headed home. Take my hand and hold my heart one last time for now , and let us all take some time behind our own doors. Let us heal our own hearts and lick our own wounds, that we may stop projecting onto each other our dysfunction and our unconsciousness. Let us set it all down and sort it all out so that we can leave what no longer serves us, to lighten our loads and to open our heartstrings the new day dawning before us.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

“There is No One Else” a poem by Coral

Happy Monday morning everyone! I am watching the sun rise and I am so glad to be here with you! Truly, I have been teetering on the edge for a while now. It is so fucking nice to be back!!!!!

And so I write with my brother Rumi and Mother Maryam this morning. My first poetry in a very long time, so be kind! I love you!

“There Is No One Else”

There came a space that lent no mercy, over a sea of salty tears. A ledge that ran out in a tsunami of my fears.

To and fro and past my limit, before crashing down into the great abyss that knew no bounds. I have come to let you that I met my end and my maker. And I have returned to you now.

My heart is pure. The darkness fades to light and I am in gratitude and thanksgiving. My love told me a million times that life is for the living.

The balance has returned and I have found my center once again. My walk through my own personal hell was made tolerable with the love of you, my friends.

For all that caused me to feel so lost, I gave it all to find myself. I was reminded once again that there is no one else.

We come in alone and we leave alone when our time comes. This walk is only ever been, to remind us that we are one.

My fears and my transgressions and my unknowing of myself; only to learn once again that there was never anyone else.

The reminder of loves mercy, when I finally set it all down. I couldn’t see clearly to save my own life, what I see so clearly now.

The oneness that felt more like aloneness had been a Segway to myself. I stand here to remind you that there is no one else. There has never been anyone else.

Our choices are but two, as they have always been. You choose love or you choose fear. Either way, you win.

For fear teaches us the lessons that blessings alone cannot reveal. Fear brings us back to love, and it always will.

As long as we are open and as long as we stay true, fear will bring us back to the greatest love we never; always, only ever really knew.

As we flail in competition and as we fight to stay afloat, I simply came to remind us all that we are rowing our own boat.

We compete, only ever with ourselves. The battles and the demons, they were never those of someone else.

The darkness and the light; the shadows and the cracks that rage inside. We must remember that these are only ever, the turbulence of our own tides.

I forgot in all of my self-inflicted fury, that I could simply set it down. I flailed and suffered horribly, until exhaustion finally threw me facedown to the ground.

So, I came here this morning to remind us once again, there are truly no others. We may begin again.

Set it down. Turn it over. Lift it up and set it free. Give yourself your glory, for God you are indeed.

If it serves you, keep it and if it doesn’t, let it go. If it sets your soul on fire, then I don’t need to tell you what you already know.

If it poisons you and makes you sick inside and you think the outside world can’t see; I am here to remind you, that you, simply reflect me.

Your demons are my own and I love you just the same. You and I are kindred spirits. We hover as moths over the very same flame.

Dial it down and breathe it out. Take a moment and give thanks. Remember once again that it’s all in what you think.

You are divine. You are radiant and glowing. Whether you know it yet or not, your cup is overflowing.

There is only ever you to blame and only ever you to thank. For, how you perceive your world and your surroundings is the gas you put in your own tank.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. And so it is.

Happy Sunday everyone. I hope you have a beautiful day planned today. I have a beautiful day planned with my girl and I am so happy to be spending today with her!

I realize that I have been vague and ambiguous as to what exactly is going on in my life for the last month. I really just don’t have words and the words I have had…well they have not been kind, and so as much as possible, I have held on to them. I have been in the most excruciating emotional pain of my entire life and I am done feeling this way. Tamara hit her breaking point last night and I woke to hit mine this morning. These girls are done and fucking done with the pain and drama that has infiltrated our lives…with the non-transparency and the lies and the manipulation and the fucking piles upon piles of bullshit…done and fucking done, we are with this rhetoric. I have cried enough tears in the last month to nearly drown myself. I allow the river I have cried since my mom got sick, to flush my heart of what does not belong to me. I allow the tears to wash it all away…wash it all away…wash it all away. And so it is.

I have learned that I come from the Cherokee Indians. I am 1/16 Cherokee Indian. These shall be the roots that grow deep into the earth to ground and center me. I shall begin to know my people and their ways…their traditions and their customs. Of all that I have come to know that I am, I choose to hold onto this. My mom mentioned this throughout my life…this small part of her lineage, that she seemed to care nothing much about, other than to see if it would qualify me for financial assistance for college. I on the other hand, didn’t give a fuck about college, and have always been far more interested in this piece of myself. Who am I and where did I come from? This information was given to me by my cousin last week and this is all I know of who I am, in lineage. So, if you know anything about me and who I am, I would love to hear from you. If you have a piece of this part of our lineage, I would love for you to share it with me, in a photo…in a story…in a handwritten letter…I would love to have a piece of that part of me. Truly, for me, I am going to take this piece of myself and I am going to let the rest go. I am choosing who I am and I am shedding who I am not. I begin with learning all I can about the People I come from, and their ways and traditions. This piece of myself has always called out to me and I call back now…I am ready. I am here. Please come for me and tell me from where I came. And so it is.

As I came down here to write this morning, stumbling on the wreckage of my past…Bruised and battered and all banged up. Shamed and embarrassed by shit that isn’t even mine…bleeding out for those who have gone on ahead of me and for those who left me behind…flailing and crashing about in all of this fucking rubble…I barely made it safely to the door of our healing space. I am fucking done. Truly, done and fucking done. I have come to let you know that if you are unhealthy for me, I have come to let you go. I will not exert any energy, any longer on anyone who does not love me honestly, openly and like a verb. I will not spend one more moment attempting to save The drowning, until I hone my own swimming skills first. Even then, I shall throw out a life preserver and I shall not be attached to whether you grab hold or not, for you are drowning and only you can save you from that. Only I can save me from this. I have finally come to know that this battle is with myself. I will not spend one more second hating myself. I have been in the very worst space and the very worst pain of my entire life for the past three years and forty days and I am fucking done. I am done and fucking done, dangling by the thread whose puppet master knows no bounds, no mercy and no compassion. Today, I cut this puppets strings and I set this circus down. For this is not my circus and these are not my clowns. As I look around me, I begin to laugh with abandon, at the clowns 🤡 all around me 🤡 look at the silly little 🤡 clowns!!!!! As I untangle myself from these strings and I realize I am finally free, I run with the clowns 🤡 to the gate that has held me! This circus 🎪…these 🤡 clowns….they are not even mine!!! Entangled in their stories and suffocated in their dysfunction no longer…this is not my circus and I am free to go!!!! Not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns…not my circus and not my clowns….and so I set this circus down. And so it is.

Thank you Tamara, for carrying me through the literal hell of the past three years and 40 days and 40 nights. The anguish and the pain…the primal cries and the destruction in our own lives, as a result, all behind us now. Thank you for carrying me when I could not even breathe and for breathing your breath into me when I could not find my own. Thank you for breaking last night, so that I could break this morning, so that we can be done with what is not ours. Thank you for the hell you have endured to see me through my own. Thank you for being my girl and my whole world. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and always, my beautiful, dear, and amazing girl! Thank you for seeing me thorough this. We are done and fucking done with that which is not ours. And so it is.

To every single one of you who has held me though this storm, with all of my heart, I love you and I thank you. For every single prayer…for every bit of love…thank you. I love you right back.

For those tossed about by the turbulence of the forces that moved in us when we came together, I pray for your peace and for your return to stillness now. For those whom I chased after being dismissed, I cut the cord that binds us and set us both free to our own dharma now. To the circus and all of the clowns, my deepest thanks for hosting me. It has been quite a fucking doozie up in here, and I thank you for your hospitality and for your lessons, turning into blessings every single day. To anyone I have hurt and to everyone I have harmed, I offer my sincerest and most heartfelt apology to you now. I know I have been the clown in many circuses myself and so I acknowledge the disruption and I set the circus down. And so it is.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday! As I untangle from the final string, held only by my own pause, I am off to love and live my life today! I love you!

You are writing your own story. Make it a good one!

Good morning beautiful people! Happy Friday and what a day to make a different choice, wouldn’t you agree?

I went to bed with my body blessed by angels once again and I am so, so thankful! I went to bed next to the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world…my truest and dearest friend and my best confidant…my soulmate and my lover…the co-founder of a dream that we are building together…my anchor and my rock…and I am blessed beyond measure! I had a day full of the most beautiful and grateful clients, who pay me well and love me well and I am open and ready for some more clients like that please! I had a beautiful morning working with my colleagues, for the healing of one of our very own, and I am blessed beyond measure to be amongst such prestigious colleagues, who know and trust my work, to have me place my hands and my energy upon their best friends. I will always value and invite time like this, to give back to those who refer and share me with you, so that I can help you too and pay my bills. To everyone who loves me like a verb…thank you, and I am an open invitation for some more love like that please! My little brother and my sister checked in on me, as we have been most recently doing for one another and I will definitely have some more of that please! I had weekly tea with my very best friend, Sigrid, and I will always welcome more time and love and space and honesty and friendship, like a verb, like that, in my life! Coral and Sigrid tea time is nourishment and fuel for my soul on this journey and I am blessed! To all of these endeavors, I drove in the FJ Cruiser that I love and cherish so much, as Jesus takes the wheel, and my musical medicine blasts through the speakers, of the piece of my mom and dad that I have left, and I am thankful! I feel my beautiful and radiant cousin, Regina, in and around all of the good and positive and wonderful memories of my past and with me always on this journey and I love you so much cousin! Always, in all ways, I have room for love like Regina…thank you and more…yes please! I arrived home safe and sound at our Sanctuary in the woods, surrounded by all of my best friends…for they love me from wherever they are, to wherever I am, always and without fail or prejudice, and I am home! My health is good and getting better every day, in every way. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And I am so thankful for my life and for those who share this journey with me. Every day begins and ends in gratitude. Every day I am better than I was yesterday. And so it is.

This is the version of how my day ended and began that I am choosing to share and to focus on. These are the parts of my day that I am pulling out to give thanks for. These moments are my focus henceforth. These are the people I choose to rejoice in and to be grateful for, as are they for me, life’s breath. Everyone and everything else, that does not serve my highest good, I release! I stand in love and for, love in all things. I believe in love and I believe in each of us. I believe, with all of my heart in the good things coming! Thank you, my brother, Nahko, for your love.

Love is an action word and I challenge each of to truly grasp this and to know this and to live this! Love in action will open up your life!! Love in words…well, we all know what that empty and often loveless love feels like, don’t we? Where there is void, to be love in action and you will fill the void. Love in action is not always easy, as it is an action, not an empty mouth full of empty promises and lies. Action, being in action and of service…very different from choosing the “right” words, wouldn’t you agree?

We all make a choice every time we open, or do not open our mouths. I am choosing to keep my mouth closed in situations where I have nothing kind to say. In this silence, I pray for peace for those whom I choose not to open my mouth to anymore. I choose to whom I speak and to whose calls I heed. I choose whose words I shall open myself up to. I give myself permission to leave when I am done. I give myself permission to choose the clients whom I can help and to charge accordingly for my time and my services. I ask the universe to bless us all that we be synced together for our highest goods. I pray that we all feel the value of the relationship we walk into together. I pray that we each be served and valued for our life’s work and our contributions accordingly. And so it is.

Have a beautiful Friday everyone! You are writing your own story today. What will you write? Let’s write a with all of our hearts, shall we?

Unexpected Sherry Lesson this morning!!!

As I sit here in the dark, awaiting the suns arrival, I am thinking of each of you. As we rise from our slumber in the darkness, into the promise and dawn of a new day, let us hold hands and stick together, shall we?

Many of you, once close to me, are distant. Your absence is noticed. The reaches stopped and the distance grew and we are not in contact anymore. The overwhelming sadness of this was once so debilitating to me that I ceased to function because of it. I have come to know that your distance was necessary for me to find my path and my way. The distance from me was necessary for you to find your path and your way also. I thank you for the time we did spend traveling arm in arm and I miss you sometimes: mostly though, I just hold on to the good stuff, so I smile when I hear your name. When you go running across my mind, I don’t chase after you anymore or try to keep you here anymore. I say a prayer of thanks for the visit and I bid you farewell, that you may be off to wherever you are to live your life on your terms. I know I’m not who you are running to and so I step back so you can pass quickly to your destination. I’m sorry if I held you here too long, not knowing how to let you go. I loved you so much that I just could not imagine my life without you in it. I release my grip, as I don’t want anyone here who does not want to be here. I can come here every day, all by myself and I’m just fine with that. I came here to heal and your presence isn’t needed. I do love knowing that many of you are still here and many more are coming. Those who have left have cleared space for those coming and I am so grateful. I do believe in the good things coming and I am so thankful for all of the good things already here!

Health problems…money problems…family and relationship issues…addiction issues and illnesses…depression and regret…we are plagued by shit that we need to chuck into the fuck it bucket, aren’t we?

May I ask you a personal question? Why do you stay in that loveless and abusive marriage? Why do you stay at that job that you fucking hate? Why do you not love yourself enough to leave what you is killing you?

Sherry is pretty persistent this morning with a lesson and so I switch gears…Sherry wants to ask you a question too, and she hasn’t asked if it’s okay…she cares not if it’s okay…Sherry wants to know what in the fuck is right with you? Wow…not a Sherry lesson I saw coming…and I’m going to go with it anyway….

Sherry asks, “What in the fuck is right with you?” What, pray tell, is right with that hot mess that you call Coral? What is right in there?

We always ask each other what is wrong, don’t we? What’s wrong? And because we are so used to answering that question, there is almost always something wrong. What if we asked each other, “What is right with you?” Instead of asking what is wrong, which is to always assume that something is wrong, maybe we could begin to ask each other “what is right with you today?”

To answer my moms question…What in the fuck is right with me? Hmmmmm…that does feel a little odd…you should try it…go ask the person in the other room what is right with them…watch their face….I love it!

What is right with me is my heart. My heart has always been right with me.

Sherry wants to know, and so do I, What in the fuck is right with you? Truly, this is something I touched on a while back and I haven’t put it into constant practice in my life…I think I shall ponder how to go about doing so. When we change the things we look at, the things we look at change.

I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day today. Thanks for stopping by Mom…I love you and I’m looking forward to hearing what in the fuck is right with everyone!

I bow my head in prayer…

Good morning everyone! Today is one of introspection for me. I feel that I need to pull myself inward a bit and lick my own wounds. I need to handle my own demons and address my own life fall out. I need to spend some time loving myself today and more time loving my girl today, as this day hurts her.

I imagine you may be hurting today too. I know you are. I feel your pain as my very own. Today, I spend time in sacred meditation to clear the residual pain that didn’t pass through. Your pain and my pain…they have lingered in me. Today, for us all, I do a clearing and blessing of that pain, as I send it back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all.

I revisit the Upledger Course I took very early in my career, called, “Healing From the Core; Grounding and Healthy Boundaries” this morning. I remind myself to ground and center and to unravel your pain from my own, that we each be blessed with her lessons and her blessings. Our pain is here to teach us,to grow us and to bring us to our joy. Forgive me for trying to shield you from the pain that you have coming as your own birthright. I stand back and allow you your journey. Somehow I merged into your journey and lost sight of my own. It feels nice to give us both space and permission for our pain, doesn’t it? I believe in the good things coming! I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in us, collectively and individually on this journey. I do fully believe that you know what is best for you. You called upon yourself what you need to evolve and grow on your journey, just as I have. The harder the lessons, the deeper the blessings, right? I do not speak of those of you who’ve come to me and asked for help, as you’ve got me in your pocket. I speak of those who have not asked for my help…those whom I tried to help anyway. To each of you, I apologize for interfering in your journey and all that befalls and blesses you. I return to my own journey and to what befalls and blesses me. And so it is.

  • My journey will always cross lines to protect those without voices, for whatever renders them speechless is their cry for help and our call to action. No matter who you are, you’ve a responsibility and a moral obligation to those who need your help and cannot speak for themselves. We must help those who cannot ask for help themselves and those who obviously and desperately come to us and ask, just the same. We know right from wrong, don’t we? We feel it when it’s wrong, in our guts…in our hearts…in our shaking hands and quivering and screaming voices…we know right from wrong. We are our own moral compass, you know? And not one of us is without opportunity for some balance and some Good Orderly Direction. So, today is about all of this for me. Returning to center and to balance. Evaluation of what is mine and what is not mine. Finding balance and synchronicity within my own compass and my own life’s path. I am so thankful for the studio that surrounds me and for the wilderness that blankets her this morning as I bow my head in prayer.
  • I hope you have a beautiful Monday. I love you and I thank you for being here this morning. I know the room still feels heavy. I am working on it…thanks for staying with me as I figure it all out.
  • Be the Angel that you have prayed for…

    Good afternoon everyone! Happy Sunday! I have missed you. Hell, I have missed me! I will not lie. The struggle has been real and I have had to hold my tongue. I return today with love in my heart, to where we left off with the beautiful new paint, in our healing room!

    I hope you are loved deeply by someone. Being loved deeply by someone has truly saved me and given me the strength, to begin to find ways to love me deeply. I am talking about being loved deeply, like a verb. Loved so deeply that you cannot not feel it. I am learning how to love, and part of how I am learning is to feel how I want to be loved. I want to feel it in my soul and know it in my heart and so that is where I begin. To me, love like this has to be a verb, because I have to feel it. I cannot see it. I cannot hear it. Not unless it is in action and in harmony with how I want to feel it. I must know it in my soul because it has returned to me, this knowing of love. I have always known. Now, I feel home.

    I write today for us all, to remind us that we are not alone. Not really a poem…a writing from me to you, to remind you to be the Angel that you have prayed for.

    When we scream out in need, love answers the cry. We must feel it. We know only what we have come to feel, not what we have come to hear.

    When we pray for the angels, they appear. Often in ordinary clothes and without their wings. Angels on earth walk among us and they guide us home.

    When the darkness overcomes us and the demons run us out, love brings us back to our own soul. Love will never co-exist with fear and God will never co-exist with fear. God is love. Fear is not God. Fear is not love. God is benevolent. We forget, don’t we? Our own divinity…we forget that we are God. God created you in his image and God is in your mirror. We are not and never have been separate from God. God is not out there. God is in here. He asked me to remind us all of this. And so it is.

    Every single one of us is here with opportunity to be an angel to someone else, every single day.

    Every single one of us will see the angels we have called upon if we lose our expectation as to what they will look and be like. Angels will feel like angels. You will always know the angles among you.

    What feels amazing to you? What lights you up? What cozies you up in loves embrace? Go be that for someone else. We must act outside of ourselves, in both thought and deed, and the angels will surround us. Wayne Dyer reminds us to want what we want, more for someone else, than we want it for ourselves. The person you are struggling to love right now, love them the most. Want for them, more for them, what you want for you, than you want it for you. Truly. If you doubt, try it and then you shall doubt no more.

    Unconscious action and behavior still has accountability.

    Compassion is just a word without action. Karuna means compassionate action in Sanskrit.

    Love is just a word without action.

    Saving those without voices does not only include the animals and sentient beings. Those without voices are those who cannot and do not and have a voice to speak up for themselves.

    Being an advocate for anyone begins with first advocating for yourself, with all of your heart. You must fight harder for you than you will ever fight with anyone else. In the end, the battle is only ever with yourself anyway.

    If you want it badly enough, you are the only one who can make it happen for you. Only you can set it down and never pick it back up. SOJA thank you. You are the only one who can release whatever it is that you are struggling to release. Stop holding whatever it is and hold yourself instead. I believe you. I have always believed in you.

    We…you and I…we are fabulous, aren’t we? Angels and lovers and friends…we are blessed. We are love. Let us go out there and spread ourselves amongst those who do not know that they are angels also, shall we?

    Have a beautiful Sunday afternoon! Go be the Angel that you have prayed for, for someone else! I love you!

    Be someone else’s angel…

    Good morning! Welcome home! I hope you like the new paint! I lightened it up a bit in here. That shall be the first of many things we will do together in this room. Welcome back!

    I am good! I am really, really good! I had a session with my pain management specialist yesterday afternoon, and he sent angels. I took angels and healing stones with me, gifted by my dear sister Eileen. I was greeted by angels and touched by angels! My physical pain is being healed in a way that lets me know I am purging all of what does not serve me, through whatever means necessary, most recently my body, to prepare for the journey before me.

    I have been debilitated for as long as I can remember by pain in my left lower back, knotting up in my hip and gluteus muscles. Yesterday, with loving and diligent hands, with all of the love and prayers of the universe and with the love and prayers of all of you, a portal opened and my physical healing has begun! I worked vigorously and gently, intentioned and steadfast in that face cradle to heal myself…to allow the hands laid upon me to heal me…to let go of the bricks that weighed me down that were not mine to carry. We worked as a team with the angles to open a portal to release this pain and I am so, so thankful!

    This shift in consciousness and this ability to see the light obscured in the darkness is my salvation and I thank God and my brother Rumi for walking and working me through this. We do not ever walk alone, for there are always angels among us. Be someone’s angel. Love someone so much that you want for them, more,the very thing that your heart desires for yourself. Want it more for the person whom you are having the most difficulty with. Truly, that peace and love and affection that you’re craving, want that for the person you cannot stand to look at right now, more than you want it for you, and watch your life open up! Watch your heart open up. Feel your own healing begin.

    Damn! It is great to be back! I have sure missed me! I am sure glad to see each of you too, because I sure have missed you too, in my own absence.

    I challenge each of us to be someone’s angel today. We are divinity, you and I. We are God, in human form, here to walk one another home. God obscures himself in each of us to watch and see who we will become. God sees how we will treat one another, and the true nature of our heart, by manifesting himself as us and allowing our free will. How are you going to treat the God that is you? The God that is before you? How will you show the God within you today? Let us all get out there and get loving and swooping into angel wings, shall we? We have much work to do; you and I.

    Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

    Scattered all over this morning…

    To be spun wildly by the inertia that is me, has me in a bit of panic and uncertainty as of late. Wiped out completely by waves of my unresolved thoughts and emotions. Knowing that when my mind finally stops that my body will follow, and yet being unable to calm my mind enough to experience the stillness. The taunting and teasing ceases as the carrot once dangling in front of me ceases to exist. There is nothing. Nothing anymore except the void of the space left in between, all of the people and places that mattered so much to me. Crashing and slamming and pounding and racing and ripping is this pain in my heart, attempting to ricochet it’s way out of the prison that holds us. The world keeps fading to black and I scurry towards the crack of light. My heart shatters and I scramble to gather her pieces in my arms. A scurvy elephant all of my life ( Thank you for that reference Wayne Dyer)…I break off to find my tribe.

    The darkness consumes me and I claw and gnarl and tear to break free of her grip. My darkness is your darkness and your darkness mine. We are the only way out. When I am in my darkness, I reach for you. In your darkness, reach for me. We will break free…you and I. We will break free to see a sliver of darkness in the light. We will run and awaken her darkness to her beauty and bring her to our light. As long as I must, I shall stay here, enduring what remains of my darkness, while focusing ahead on the light. I am the light. You are the light. As surely as I am learning this, I am telling you…you are the light! I don’t know exactly how to begin with me. I am learning. I am failing a lot. I am getting back up a lot, and I am weary.

    Depression hurts. Have you ever seen that commercial? The dog pans in and he is as depressed as his person? Depression hurts. Ask Baby Taos. Ask Rocky or Aliah or Prajna or Nahko Bear or Mala Bear. Depression hurts. Ask Tamara. How it must feel to be wanting only to get in. And how lonely it does feel to want nothing more than to get out. Open the door from the inside Coral…remember? I remember, and I cannot forget, and so depression has made the knob slippery and my hand loses her grasp. With my hand around the knob…too slippery to open the door, I am reminded that depression hurts. My hand is around the knob to the door that is my salvation…the door that sets me free, like a noose that hasn’t tightened to its limit yet. Depression hurts.

    You know I just thought of something a little odd and probably blatantly obvious. I grew up listening to virtually nothing but country music. I see people struggling with video game addiction with their kids, and how it impacts them. The violence and the sexual assaults become normalized and kids mimic what they constantly engage with. My music auto-shuffled yesterday and country music was shuffled in with Nahko and Lady Gaga. As some of the songs played, I realize that some of all of this dysfunction that I am in right now must have something to do with being patterned in formative years by by music like that. I am not blaming Merle Haggard or Johnny Cash. I’m certainly not saying that Patsy Cline put the glock in my mouth in my 30s. I’m simply pondering the idea that listening over and over and over again to the woes of the alcoholic, as they normalize the exploitation and sexualization and demoralization of women might fuck a formative child up a bit in their thoughts and feelings. Constant drunken and disorderly conduct being repeatedly normalized must have had something to do with my having normalized those things in my own life. Johnny Cash and “Sunday Morning Coming Down” was my fucking life! I ate Merle Haggards “Rainbow Stew” for breakfast. I’m sure that Charley Pride and his song about when he stops leaving he’ll be gone, has nothing to do with my running from every good woman that came before me. I sat next to George Strait in “The Chair” and I listened to song after song after song about adultery and infidelity. I could go on for weeks…and please don’t get me wrong. These are some of my favorite songs. I’m just fucking sayin, as a kid, with her ear pressed to the speaker, it probably mattered what I was listening to. My opinion is that it does matter. I love county music and I probably always will. Those are my memories and my road trippin songs with a family long gone from me. Listening to those songs now is helping me to to put my own puzzle together, I wonder how significant it is that those were the messages I heard from the moment I was conceived. Again, I believe it matters. What messages do we want our kids to hear? We must be mindful what we play in front of them. I was the worst step-parent ever, as I had absolutely no concept of this what so ever. I thought it my duty to pass it on, in case it suits it serves you. As always, take what you need and leave the rest. We get what we get when we get it, as Tamara always reminds me.

    I want my life narrated by my friend Wayne Dyer. I love Morgan Freeman. I just really feel Wayne is the one to narrate my life. He has been doing it in my head for years! Just throwing that out there. Anyway, Rough night last night, and a scattered blog this morning. Rough night last night, and so I write to heal us all.

    Thank you for being here this morning. I really am glad you’re here! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

    10 Truths that came to me today, and so I share with you…

    1. There will never be a better time, than this time right now, to take the first step toward getting to know who I am.

    2. I came in alone and I am going out alone. With that being said, I have the best companion anyone could hope for to walk with me and fill in our dashes together. I love you Tamara, to the moon and back and to infinity and beyond! We are home and that is the best part of my life. Our life is the best part of my life and I am so blessed and grateful and thankful to be home finally.

    3. I love my little brother and my sister in law. I am learning that we all love differently and that is okay, as long as we love like a verb, always, in all ways.

    4. If you leave, I will not follow.

    5. If you build it, with all of your heart and soul, and then you find someone to help you build it brick by brick: you have found not only a keeper, you have found the mirror for yourself. Thank you Tamara for being my mirror, even as ugly as that is sometimes. I love you for how you love me, even when I can’t recognize it as love. I always feel your love. I am learning love on my terms and I stumble sometimes. Thank you for helping me back up. I love you.

    6. There is nothing that can be done to heal the damage caused by a lie. One lie always means there are more lies. There are no “white” lies, only lies. Once lies set in, the truth becomes, not only obscure, but impossible, for you cannot take back the carefree knowing of the truth. You will never return to the place of safety and security that you once resided in, once the lies defile the threshold, from which your dreams have gone. Of all of the things we can do to destroy someone’s trust forever, we lie about our lies. Lies have no place in my world. Should they exist here now, with or without my knowing, I offer them an invitation to leave should, for they have no place here. I am a truth seeker and a peace keeper at heart, torn apart by the lies of others and held bondage in their deceit. I shed the skin now that ever accepted lies as truth and deceit as misunderstanding. I need only the truth. Just so you know, I am so empathic that I already know it before you are able to tell me, and so your deceit hurts me all the more. I will not spend my time and energy in the nest of anyone’s lies. You bring me the truth and we can go on forever. You bring me a lie and we are never going to be the same. And so it is.

    7. In the depths of the despair that I am in, I am struggling to shed my fear. I feel it coming off and then it wraps itself around me in a frenzy. This frenzy fuzzies my mind and wrecks my heart, as I stand ground to my pain. I stand where I have fallen and I rise from my own ashes. Still though, I trip across her embers now and then and I fall to my knees, screaming in agony. This pain is the portal I must take to my joy and so I shed my fear and take up The Cloak of The Christ and I join my brother Rumi. Arm in arm, my brother and I walk across the embers and into the ocean of love. And so it is.

    8. There really are only two choices…love or fear. I am learning that for myself. Shedding fear is not the work of the weak…nor the feat of the great. The shedding of fear is unlearning all we have come to know to learn that we are love. We have only ever, always been love. Tainted though we may be, we only came here to love each other home.

    9. I am because you are. Ubuntu. No truer words have ever been spoken. We are not separate, you and I. There is no us and them. Ram Dass said he finally realized that there are no others. We are not on opposing teams. We have a choice to be love and we have an obligation to be love. We forgot why we came, that’s all. We came here to love each other home. There are no others.

    10. My calling and my life’s work…my passion and my purpose have always been the same, masked though they may have been at times, to love and to serve others, to paint and to write, to love and to teach love to others through my actions. My purpose is to love you home and it really is that simple. I love you. Let’s get going, shall we? We have to spread the message that we are love! I would love if you would help me to get us all on board to choose love over fear. And so it is.

    I am back!

    Good morning everyone! Happy Friday! Thank you for sticking with me. I know I’ve been gone from this, our healing room. My pain has not been able to be contained in my own home and so I have been down the driveway in my studio, as to not impact Tamara and Rocky and Aliah and Baby Taos and Prajna and and Nahko Bear and Mala Bear and Karma Kitty with all of this pain. I’ve not wanted to bring the depth of my mourning and despair into this place. I have had no words. I have been in such pain and devastation and despair that I could not write much at all. To be honest, I’ve done nothing much more than cry and meditate and pray. I have been working in and on the studio. I have been catatonic and in shock…until the shock wears off a bit and then I just wail in agony. My eyes are barely able to open at all from all of this crying and my face hurts. In the kitchen last night, I grasped my chest and almost went to my knees in agonizing pain, as I literally, physically felt my heart breaking. I write to heal myself and to get it all out. I created this space to do just that. I’ve not been able to come to my own healing room and I’m not okay with that. I’ve not been able to speak my truth and to articulate my experience. I have been paralyzed in the very worst pain of my entire life and I’ve known not what to do. Yesterday, I cleared my day to honor this day as a day of mourning in the studio. Uninterrupted and sacred. Last night before I went to lie down, I decided that last night, I should have a death of my own. I decided to see my wake for what it truly is…the trail that is left behind. I have spent the last several days with Wayne Dyer and he reminds us that the wake, the path that is left behind us, will never be able to guide and propel us forward. The boat cannot be powered and guided by the trail that it leaves behind. This morning at my own wake, I lie to rest the trail that is left behind me…my past and my own history. I will be driving my own boat henceforth. Thank you Wayne for walking me through this. As soon as my wake is over this morning, I dedicate and honor this day as that of my own resurrection, rather than a day of mourning. I have given the last 390 days and most excruciating of all, the past 14 days to mourning the loss of someone, as I knew and understood and believed them to be. I cannot speak more about this right now. I have given 1120 days to mourning and grieving the loss of my beautiful mother, may God rest her soul.

    Today, I honor me and my resurrection from the death that has been my life, from the pain that has been my existence and from the bondage of what others think of me. With all due respect and nothing more, I honor each person who has touched my life. I forgive myself for my transgressions and I forgive you for yours. I set my sword down. I turn from the back of my boat and the wake that I saw as my guidance and my direction and I turn to face the sun…I look ahead into the distance and I see nothing but good things coming. And so it is.

    To each and every single one of you…thank you, from the deepest place in my heart for how you love me and pray for me and feel me. I love you so, so much. To Tamara and Baby Taos and Rocky, Aliah, Karma Kitty, Prajna, Nahko Bear and Mala Bear, Sigrid and each of you who have held loving space for me, thank you. I love you with all of my heart.

    When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change, as Wayne reminds me, and I remind you. Let us see the path in front of us and be guided by our souls purpose, that we may free ourselves from the bondage of our pasts.

    I love you and I thank you for staying with me, even when I couldn’t be with me. Have a beautiful Friday. I love you.

    Thank you Tamara for this morning’s talk. I love you.

    Good morning everyone. I am in a rough place and have been for the last week. The tears won’t stop and the pain in my heart has been intolerable. My body revolted and I’ve been to see my chiropractor twice to put me back together this week. I woke crying again this morning and I just fucking can’t. I cannot be debilitated any longer by the words and actions of others. I cannot be in all of this pain any longer. For this pain, in actuality, is my own pain and these transgressions are mine.

    My experience of my pain…mine. My heart breaking…that’s mine too. I had expectations and so I am disappointed. I had the highest of hopes, also in actuality, expectations, and I am so sad that my hopes will not be coming true. I stand corrected. This pain that I carry, this hurt and this anger and this resentment…it’s all mine. Projected onto the masses…my pain and my misconceptions…my experience of my life, riddled with expectations. We always called them hopes. We called a lot of things a lot of things that took us completely away from what they really were. So today, I claim that which is mine. This space that I am in and this way that I am feeling…this is mine. The anger and the rage and all of the hurt and disappointment…mine. The misunderstanding…mine also. I have set it all down, as to not carry that which is not mine. I can clearly see that inadvertently, I put some of my shit in your pile. I go to my knees before you and I retrieve it now. I know better. I’ll do better.

    Tamara is my everything. My sounding board and my confidant…my lover, my soulmate and my best friend. This morning, she shared a truth that turns out to be a missing piece for me, in my healing. This past week has hurt me worse than any other ever. Four and a half decades came crashing down around me and I knew not what to do.

    What I did was I reacted. I returned, with venom and ill intent, the attack upon me. I raged and boiled over. In reaction to truth withheld, I came literally unhinged. I was shaking and seething and livid and crushed into bits. I was destroyed and so I became destructive, in both my words and in my actions. I got up to walk away because I knew in my heart, what I would do if I stayed. I have never really known how to take the liberty of walking away when someone calls me back. I have been held captive by myself for the last 165 hours…taunted and tortured and plagued by my own thoughts. I have known not what to do.

    Clarity came this morning in our living room, as Tamara and I talked and as I cried. This pain that just won’t quit…this pain is so very many things right now. Loss and disappointment…disgust and sorrow…resentment and shock…and most of all, regret. I really do not have regrets, so this hurts me a lot. I regret, not who I’ve been, as a result of things completely beyond my control…I regret who I’ve been without even knowing it, an angry and entitled person…a person without my own words and thoughts…a person whose actions have been out of alignment with my very own soul. And so without further ado…I stand corrected in the light of a new day, for being out of alignment with my own soul. I learn. I grow. I ebb and I flow. It matters not where I came from. It matters how I allow myself to heal, to admit my faults and shortcomings…ask forgiveness for my transgressions and for your transgressions also. So this morning, I am sorry for the anger and hate that I have harbored for a lifetime. I am here to set that down. Every single moment has brought me to right here. Right here is where I begin again. Right now is where I begin to honor my own heart and my own soul and my own knowing of what is right and what is wrong. If it does not feel right to me, I will not share space. And so it is. Thank you Tamara for talking me down this morning so that I can go out and offer myself and my gifts to the world. I love you to the moon and back. I love you to infinity and beyond.

    To each of you, have a beautiful day! I love you!

    Have a beautiful day. I love you.

    Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I am glad we are here together this morning. I had a rough start so and I’ve been down in my studio in prayer and meditation this morning. I need to be in that space more than I need to write this morning. I truly don’t have words and so I’ll not pretend that I do. I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day.

    Thank you.

    Thank you for all of the love. I feel you and I appreciate you. I love you all right back. I will be licking my wounds for a bit, and not to worry…I will be okay. I just hurt, a lot, more than ever, right now, and I need a moment. I am loved and blessed beyond measure and I am so thankful. My candle burns bright. My heart just needs a little bit to catch up. All of my love to each of you, to my family and to everyone struggling right now…all of my love. I have been in some darkness and I am making my way into the light. Thank you for loving me and for holding space for me.

    I need to go lie down…after carrot cake, well, half a carrot cake. Long story. Anyway….goodnight everyone. I love you!

    And I don’t know what to do.

    I’ve known not what it felt like to feel the way I’m feeling. I am so fragile and so broken…so raw and so inconsolable. I am laying here not knowing what to do. I do not know what to do. I break and I don’t know what to do. So so sad and I don’t know what to do.

    Eight hours later and tossing and turning and praying and lying awake and I don’t know what to do. I get up because I’m not sleeping and I sit here in the darkness alone and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I lie back down because I’m tired and I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do.

    Everything is all jumbled up and it’s all a fucking mess. Nothing is as it was and nothing makes any fucking sense and I don’t know what to do. Words hold no meaning and promises shatter and I don’t know what to do. Dying wishes dishonored and adult children returned to their toddler state of emotions because we don’t know what to do.

    Constantly beginning my prayer and then trailing off lost and scattered somewhere, because I don’t know what to do. Feeling like even God is having a hard time finding me right now and I don’t know what to do.

    I stayed down in the studio to try to regain control of myself and I don’t know what to do. I cannot seem to find a starting point in which to grasp on to to begin to heal and I don’t know what to do. I am hot and then I’m cold. I am shattered and barely breathing and I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.

    I must not let this take me. I feel like I have been beaten and left for dead and I don’t know what to do. The screaming inside won’t stop and the tears cannot seem to hold themselves in and I don’t know what to do. The lump in my throat is a constant companion and the crack keeps getting bigger and I don’t know what to do.

    All of my life has been a struggle. All of my life has been hard. I have always kept my head down and kept on keeping on. I have always known I was living for something…that this was not all in vain. As I sit here completely fucking shattered and unable to gather my own pieces, I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine what I’m living for or what I could possibly offer. My girl is up in the house worried sick about me and I don’t know what to do. My life went off course three years ago, like a locomotive without a conductor and I don’t know what to do to bring myself back in. I feel like I’m rounding the corner a bit, and then this and that and mostly this, and I don’t know what to do.

    I sit here shaking from lack of sleep. The sickening nature of all of this has me literally vomiting and I don’t know what to do. I sit and stare in circles and I pray for the spinning to stop, because I really don’t know what to do.

    I am shaken, rattled and unsettled. I am raging and ripping apart on the inside. I am screaming inside so fucking loud that I am deaf to the world around me and I don’t know what to do. I cannot reach you. I cannot reach her. I cannot fucking reach me. God is right before me and I can’t seem to reach him and I don’t know what to do.

    All of this…all of this pain…it’s taking me somewhere. Struggling to hold on, I’ve worn myself weary. Chasing the things that left me has made me weak and so so tired. Keeping coming back has left me disoriented and I don’t know who or where I am. Better off dead for all of us and yet, I know I’ve a purpose and I must beat death again first. Literally at my very own funeral, and laying myself and all I’ve been and known and believed in to rest. Reading my own eulogy, with no words, as I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who or where the fuck I’ve been. I cannot even stand up to dust myself off and I don’t know what to do. The casket has me in it and the life is surely gone. That heart does not seem to be beating, as the lid comes down on top of me. I do not bother to move or push or try to get out anymore. I close my eyes and I lie dead here in this box, in the cold and unforgiving earth from which I came. I can’t keep the tears in as you come to kiss my forehead goodbye. You don’t notice and you don’t bend down to kiss me either. You walk past as though I am not there at all, with your gaze out in the distance, on anything but me. You are empty and shallow and gone. You haven’t seen me in so long. I’ve been laying right here, waiting for the last nail to take its place, so that I may die my last death. The tears will surely drown me and the break in my heart will undoubtedly render it useless to keep beating. My eyes see nothing anymore and my lifeless and broken body begs to go. My ears are turned off and my mouth is sewn shut for once and for all. I simply don’t know what to do. And do I close my eyes and let the lid come down. I hear the last nail being hammered in and I don’t make a sound. I don’t know what to do.

    I will be in prayer today. I will be in therapy tomorrow. I will keep keeping on. I don’t know how right now. I will hit a meeting. I will cry and sob until I get it all out. I will sit catatonic for countless more hours in the nothingness of my unfitting thoughts. I will sob into my hands to try to make it stop and it won’t. It will slow down until you turn and leave the room, and then I will well up and overflow again. I will do whatever it takes, for however long it takes…I will give this what it needs to rear it’s ugly head and heal me. All the flashbacks and the visions and the horrors…all of the hurt and the betrayal and the loss…I will watch them one more time, for the last time. I will sit down here all day and let this take its course. I will let her take me and shake me and break me. I will let her hurt and shatter and flail about until she falls into pieces exhausted at my feet. I will let her do her dance and have her way before the midnight comes again. For when the clock hits the twelfth stroke of midnight tonight, I will go to my death. I will lay myself down and succumb to this death of million busted lifetimes, countless broken hearts and a million misconceptions. I will lie down and I will close my eyes. I will cross my hands over my heart and I will take my last stale breath. I will die to this for once and for all, I’m preparation to rise again.

    For today though, I canceled my pelvic injections. The roads are icy and the reschedule was too early. Most of all though, today is not the day to drop that trauma down on top of me, of injecting me in the vagina with nerve blocks to try to heal my pain. I fear that as fragile as I am, the pain and the trauma and the anesthesia may just be a bit too much for me to overcome today. And so I put my healing on hold to go forth and break apart some more.

    I am seeking counsel. I am calling God. I am crying out and I am turning inward. I am down here while my whole life is up there. I am on the outside looking in, as I’ve always been. I am in the worst pain of my life and I don’t know what to do. The physical pain is so bad that I can literally barely walk at all and my heart…my fucking heart….and I don’t know what to do. All words seem pointed and everything fucking hurts. I crave comfort and must accept that I am truly inconsolable right now.

    • Today I give myself the day to fall apart, to pass away, to do what I must do…however that must look, to lay myself and all of the crosses that I bear to rest. Today I make the final payment for your sins so that your debt will be paid in full and you can move on. I use everything left in my account to pay your debt, to free your soul and allow your rising. I clear my own debt too today, my karmic debt to those I’ve harmed, to those I’ve disappointed…to hearts I’ve broken and lives I’ve wreaked havoc I lie it down. There is just enough to clear our debts and so I lay the money down. I do this in loving memory and in honor of the woman who carried me in, the father who offered his seed and his counsel and who taught me how to pray. To my mom and dad, who did the best they could with the life force that is me, I offer my gratitude. Today, I go in silence. Today I go in peace, to figure out how, for I don’t know what to do.

    Let’s light it up!

    Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! Thank you to everyone who began following my blog yesterday. I feel much better pulling it from Facebook, as I am a little overwhelmed by all of the negativity and hate as of late. I was starting to absorb all of that shit and I was becoming reactive and intolerant myself. I apologize for that and I think pulling myself out of it a bit will help. I am so glad you are here! I really am. We try to find some solace here, don’t we? Some peace and some love…somewhere to belong and someplace we can all come anytime we like. This healing room is ours and we can be ourselves here. Thank you for being here with me this morning! I love you!

    When I am facing my most difficult challenges, my most personal challenges…I tend not to write about them right away. I am in such a situation right now. I ask for your love and your prayers that I may hold my tongue and make sure that when I do speak that my words pass all three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

    And so I pray…please pray with me if you are so inclined:

    Dear God and brother Rumi, this morning I pray for peace and surrender in my heart for that which has come to be and for all that will come to be. I pray that I may hold loving space and that I honor the highest good of everyone involved, including myself. I pray for peace. I pray for acceptance enough to let go of expectations. I pray for peace. I pray that I may be love and be loved. I release my need to be right. As Tamara says, being right makes someone you love wrong. Please shower me with your grace and mercy that I may just be. Lord hear my prayer. And so it is. Amen.

    Thank you. I am trying not to try so hard to sort it all out. The struggle is real though and I am in my fucking head a lot more than I wish to be. Always in my head. Always in my past and in my future and wanting to be right here, right now. I know the spinning starts in my head and not in my heart. PTSD is just my mind fucking with me over and over and over again. The severity of the attack is like the volume control button and sometimes, I blow my fucking speakers, before I can begin to dial it down. The spinning is nauseating…truly sickening and I cannot steady myself. The double-headed serpent is a mother fucking bitch to walk around with. Clashing and thrashing and gnashing and clawing in fight or flight, until complete exhaustion drops me to my knees again. And so I begin to pray again. The struggle is real.

    Let’s talk about you though, shall we? How are you? I know that many of you are struggling too. The darkness is heavy around us, isn’t it? We are in uncharted territory and in unsure times. We are running scared and spinning out, aren’t we? We all have PTSD of our own, in my opinion. The severity ranges and The diagnoses vary. The causes are a sea of many horrors that we have trouble treading water in, no matter who we are. We all go somewhere and can’t find our way back sometimes. We all shut out that which we cannot hear or see or know, until we make a choice to see and to hear and to know something different. We are not locked out my friends. We are locked inside. The door opens only from the inside. We are held captive in our own prisons, at our own hands, and we have the fucking key. Only we have the key to truly get ourselves out. Only we, when we are ready, will be able to free us from the bondage of our pasts. I have heard this and I have known this to be true. This morning though, I am going to open that fucking door and get the fuck up out of here! Prison break! Do you want to join me? We could devise a plan…”the best laid plans of mice and men”…nah. We could….how about we just fucking do it? Who is with me? Let’s just grab hold of that knob and let us open the doors that imprison us. You will notice that the knob does not even have a keyhole in many cases. In other cases, you will see that the key in your hand fits right into the keyhole, that unlocks your door. We are held captive by ourselves…by our own minds. We must change the way we look at things and the things we look at will begin to change. Just ask Dr. Wayne Dyer. God rest his beautiful soul! Hi Wayne! I love you!

    The door opens only ever form the inside. This news is not news at all. It is old news and we already know it. We have always known it and yet we have never known it at all. Today, let us learn, for the first time, that we are in control of nothing, that our doors are not locked and that we are not defeated. In this darkness that overtakes us, we are the light. Put your hand on your heart and feel it beating. You are the light. We must stop searching for light and love and healing outside of ourselves. We are the light. We are love. We are capable of much of our own healing. We must open the door and we must cross the threshold into the unknown, so that we will know the light. Light that we haven’t found in our darkness is on the other side of the door that holds us captive in the dark. We have become accustomed to the illusion of safety in the dark. We are where the light enters us. We are the light. We hold the key. Isn’t this wonderful news! We are the light!

    Many of us, myself included, have lost our way. Many of us have been stuck and paralyzed by the horrors of our past. This morning, with my hand on the knob, and my heart throbbing out of my chest in anticipation, open the door from the inside. Thank you Rumi for the inspiration and words for this post. My brother you lit me up! Thank you. I carry the torch and I’m coming around for you. If your torch needs some help to reignite your flame, just place it outstretched before you and I will be by to light you up!

    A hug from a year ago…a smile from yesterday…love from my girl this morning…setting down my expectations…feeling myself softening…opening…growing, ebbing and flowing…loving you so fucking much…this is my good morning. This is our good morning. We don’t need to make a list, we just need to fucking do it. So torches out everyone, let’s go ignite our world with love and light and peace this morning! Be the change. Be the love. That’s where I’m off to this morning! Will you join me? Let’s light it up, shall we?

    The darkness in our lives will persist until we accept that we are the light. As long as we wait for someone else to do it, it will never get done. We are here to love each other home. Let’s get loving!

    Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

    A jumbled confession for us all…

    When the knock at your door finally comes, the knock that you have been praying for, as long as you can remember; will you open the door?

    My knock came and I opened the door. A moment of surrender. Asking for help. Seeking to understand. Clarity in an abyss. Calm in a storm. A fucking Tsunami in the middle of meditation. Prison inside a prison. Bars between us. I Caged you in because I could not get out. I pushed you back until I was able to come forward. I did to you, the only thing I knew to do…I mimicked what was done to me. I silenced you. I controlled you so that I could steady myself. I am sorry. I held you down so that, on a wing and a prayer, I might ever be able to stand up again at all. Thank you. I came first. I mattered so much less always that I was dying of thirst to matter most of all. I surrender. I am blessed to matter. My unquenchable thirst left you parched. I offer you my glass. My needs left you…just you, standing there meeting them, without even having the benefit of me. I see that now. I see you now. Your submission in love of me allowed me to come out of submission myself. Thank you. Your being open allows me to be open too. Your strength, my inspiration. The time you did behind bars for me saved me from a death sentence. Thank you. Your love did and does set me free. I want to be just like you, in my own peculiar way-Thank you SOJA. My hopes are mostly expectations. My dreams are mostly someone else’s dreams. My sense of self is in need of some mending. My pain in enormous and I’m setting it down. My mistakes are countless and I’m forgiving them. Much of who I am is, in actuality, it someone else playing through me, a program that does not serve me. I close and end this program now so that I can bring you my own version of me forty. I forgive. I grieve. I let go. I begin anew. I medicate and meditate as rituals to heal and feed my soul. I stand corrected and I stand down where it does not serve for me to stand up. I surrender. My lifelong prayer of healing…how it needs to occur for me…what it feels and looks and is like…that prayer was answered in a moment this morning. I am so, so thankful. Thank you. My burning question, answered…let go. Fear not. Be well. Accept grace. Admit fault. Begin again. My prayer…heard…answered…and now my work is finished and now my work begins. I fake it until I make it sometimes. Sometimes I make it first. Sometimes the struggle is real. Sometimes there feels to be absolutely nothing at all. In this dark stillness, I began to find myself. The bars come down and we are all free. We are free to be, without limits who we are. As we adjust, shower love and grace abundantly around us. Thank you. As I peel away your way, to find my own…please grant me safe passage. Thank you. As I hit the floor on my knees in all of this reality, please keep me down there until I get it this time, until I really fucking get it. Please gently and lovingly hold me accountable. Please call me out lovingly and with kindness so that I may hear you and be called into my own action, and not the one I’m programmed too. Please let me offer all that I ask for my highest good, for your highest good also. Let me let go. Please remind me not to pick up that which is not mine to carry. Let it lie. Practice the pause. Wait to be asked for help. Wherever I go, go with all of my heart. Practice what I preach. Learn what I teach. Love myself enough to let the hate I have for myself be gone for good this time, for real. Let myself be loved. Accept that I am forgiven. Forgive myself. Be love. Forgive. Accept you on your terms. Stop preventing you from being you so that I can be me. Act in accordance with love always and in all ways. Get back up. Wipe my tears. Forgive myself for not knowing what I don’t know before I knew it. Let it go. Begin again. Don’t try so hard. Don’t try at all. Just be. Love. Be love. Be loved. Have a good day. I love you.

    Some food for thought this morning…

    Good morning everyone! Thank you for being here with me this morning. I feel a little stuck this morning. The words are there and I’m not able to access them. The intention is there and the words are jumbled a bit. And so I pray for guidance that my words be only ever in our highest good.

    There are many facets to Coral. Sam is a huge facet of Coral. My inner child work with Sam is rewarding and trying and humbling and sometimes difficult. Always worth it, and so fucking hard sometimes. Sam is Coral and Coral is Sam. Sam I am. Sam has been very present since October. The trauma and the pain and the disgust and disappointments…the Anniversary’s and the holidays. My ongoing traumatic medical situation and pelvic injections every month…the struggle has definitely and undoubtedly been real for me. Suicidal ideation has been a constant visitor and sobriety has been hard to hold onto…not in abstaining from drinking alcohol, but fuck if the stinking thinking hasn’t kicked me in my ass. Learning the unfathomable and learning to live with the shockwave that wrecked through me as a result of it. I have undoubtedly been a hot fucking mess. I have been gone from me. I have been gone from my life, from the Sanctuary, from you, quite possibly…and maybe from you too. Most of all though, I have been gone from me. I have been dead inside, simply because that is the only thing that kept me alive. Being dead kept my heart beating. Leaving my body allowed me to return to it and to stay here with you. These subconscious choices were not made by me, and yet on some level, I’ve not doubt that for my own growth that I picked a hard path. I come here to write, to get it all out…to love and to heal us all. I do my best. I fall short and I fuck up. I forget things and I miss things all together. I am a hot fucking mess stitched together with the very best of intentions. I can promise you that my intentions are pure and in love and light, always. My mouth though…ya sometimes, maybe because I’m human being, being human…maybe because I don’t know better…I say things that do not align with me. I have expectations, disguised as hopes and hurt parading around as anger. I am so disgusted by some things that I literally cannot occupy the same space. I don’t know what happened to cause this and yet I do know why…I can’t breathe in the toxicity of some and so I must take space. In my inability to cope in all of the hate and fear and rage that lunges itself at me, I guess it’s fair to say that I, at times, have become hateful and fearful and full of rage. In being so blatantly and violently abused, I too have been abusive. Having only been merely tolerated, I have become intolerant. In being oppressed or so long , I am busting the fuck out. In being wounded, I have thrown some daggers myself. I am flawed as fuck. I am wrong sometimes. I suck sometimes. In being left parentless for good orderly direction, I am hustling to learn all that I missed. I am re-learning and re-programming patterns that do not serve me. I am accepting the things I cannot change, as I accept I’ve no choice. I accept where I am in my life and how I got here. I own my shit to the best of my ability. I really do.

    What has me all worked up and upset this morning is that I know that what is unsettling to me in you, is mirroring something in me. I really do get that. What I fail to understand is why I am so worked up over things that I really have not chosen to educate myself about. Why do I get so upset about bits and pieces of a whole that I’m not in the know about? My only answer is this…when I feel other beings being harmed or hurt, silenced and oppressed, abused and disregarded…thrown away and left dead or for dead and broken…I feel I must say something. I feel I must speak and raise awareness. I write and so I write with all of my heart. I love with all of my heart, without knowing or caring to know details…I just love. I am on fire and passionate about love. I have been denied love and I have denied love and so I am going out there to love all I can, while I can. Sometimes, in my passion, I forget to pause or I re-post someone else’s words on my pages. I forget to remember and so thankfully I was reminded this morning, that using other peoples words fails to account for me and my intention and my infliction. The words may express how I feel and yet they aren’t my words and they don’t hold my meaning.

    I made a policy in my business and in my life a long time ago, to not discuss religion or politics. Early on I learned that not speaking about religion is pretty easy for me, although I am well versed in it. I will speak openly about my spirituality and my higher power, as it pertains to me and my work and my life experiences. Politics has never been something I like to discuss at all, with anyone. In my home growing up, political talk was always heated and I hated it. Controversial and angry…judgement riddled and irritating as fuck, was all of this rhetoric, and so I insisted that we agree to disagree and to shut the fuck up about it. I keep that policy for myself, for the most part.

    Lately though, I have stepped out of bounds a bit. I have become reactive to the ignorance thrown at me. I have responded to, instead of walked away from, situations that triggered me. I have reacted instead of silenced myself until I could pass through all three gates…is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? I stand corrected. Truly, I have passionately gone forth in defense of the atrocities that plague us all, without much pause.

    My politics are my business and I apologize if I’ve allowed my opinions to slip past my lips. I do not discuss politics. I do not post about politics. I do not endorse or make a statement about anyone, as I am not educated enough or passionate enough to do so. I just want to be clear henceforth that I have no interest in political conversation. I have mine and you have yours and we are each entitled to that. If I gave any impression otherwise, I assure you that I will be more mindful henceforth.

    I love you right where you are at. I really, really do. I have no expectation. I just love you. I just wanted to clear that up, as a very dear friend called me yesterday about a post I put up on my business page. I cannot tell you what that call meant and how difficult it was and how beautiful it was, to be loved enough to be asked about this privately and lovingly. I was able to hear every single word and she was not wrong. It is because of the beautiful conversation I was gifted yesterday, that I am able to stand before you for all that I am not, just the same as I stand before you for all that I am. Thank you my beautiful friend for the call. Love is a verb and I thank you for loving me like a verb. To my girl, thank you for how you love me and see me. I love you more than I’ve words to tell you Tamara.

    I hope you each have a beautiful and love-filled day. I love you.

    Thank you for being here in the healing room with me!

    Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday! I woke up early this morning and wanted to spend some time in prayer and meditation. I am so glad that I took that time. We needed that!

    My prayer this morning was that of gratitude. I was showered with such amazing and beautiful and steadfast and true love yesterday. I was loved like a verb. I was loved through my tears. I was gracefully reminded that is why we are here. We are here to be with one another…to touch each other…to celebrate and love and break bread with one another. We are here to walk each other home. I want to thank each of you who walked hand and hand and arm and arm with me yesterday. All of your love…I feel it! All of your tears, I share them. All of your joy…I share that too.

    Yesterday seemed to me, both a breaking and a tipping point. There was a death and a birth. There was a letting go and a moving forth. There was love. There was so much fucking love and I am so thankful.

    I have this overwhelming desire for you to know that I love you. I really do. I feel your love for me and so, I hope you feel my love for you too. I really, really do. The healing room is that place and that is how we roll here. We love here. No matter who or what or why. We love in this room. To be in actual rooms with you, to be able to actually hug you…now that is fucking epic! To take the healing room and open it up so that we can really be together, in body together, that is what I am talking about! Every day we are here together and I am so, so grateful. Thank you for being here with me! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

    I fucking love you! Thank you for being with me today!

    I am so fucking blessed! Truly…I’m so loved and so touched that I am struggling to find the words. I took my five year chip today. I was literally surrounded by love. I have no remembrance of what I said…only that the room was filled with people who love me like a verb. I am so loved. I am so inspired. I am so blessed. I have never been to an AA meeting that didn’t move me and shake me up a bit. Today was no different. I am moved to tears as I sit here and realize how loved I am. The rooms of AA, for me, are home. I Have not been home in a while. I was welcome with open arms and I am so thankful for that. I want you to have what I have. I really do. Five years of my forty five years here, I have been a sober woman. Yesterday and a lifetime ago…I walked through those doors for the first time. Every time I walk through those doors, it’s the first time. We never have such a handle on our sobriety that we need not be diligent about keeping it. I was reminded of that today. There is a 12:00pm meeting every day, Monday through Friday where I just met some amazing new family. I am going to start going to meetings again. Close to home and back to the basics a bit for me. I want you to have what I have and I want to keep what I have. And so it is.

    I want to thank each and every one of the amazing people in my life who came today to love me like a verb and support me…to celebrate five years of sobriety. I looked around that room and I was full and overflowing. I was loved and I felt it. I was home. My friends have become my family. I was surrounded by family…by tribe today…and I am so humbled and so thankful. I am also fucking exhausted! My God Am I exhausted!

    My girl sat next to me…and I can tell you what…I am blessed. We are sober women and we are blessed. No hidden bottles. No lies. No long excuses. I don’t have to battle Tamara’s demons with alcohol, nor do I need to wade through the deceit, to get to my girl. I go to mother fucking war with my demons, knowing my girl has got my back. Those wars last for days, weeks, months and years at a time, and I know I am safe in my sobriety with Tamara. All of the cliches…the cheesiest ones you can come up with…true of me and my girl. Keep it simple. Keep it real. Keep it honest. Or keep it to your fucking self. I mean, not to be rude…blunt maybe….okay blunt as fuck…that is how I feel about all things. And I am so blessed that Tamara and I do that with precision. We do each other well. In the meeting today, I thanked God for my girl.

    My little brother and my sister JiSan came to love and support me today. I still don’t have words for this, so please hold. I will need a moment. I suffice to say for now, that my heart is full. I love you both so very much and I thank you for taking the time. Your presence and your love and your words touch me deeply and I am so thankful for you both. I love you. Thank you for loving me like a verb.

    Sigrid…no words ever needed. I love you silly. Thank you for being with me today and on all of my most impossible, important, scary and fucked up days. I love you my dearest friend.

    To my other amazing friends, whose names I did not ask permission to use, who came for me today. I cannot begin to tell you how touched I am by your being with me today. Each of you have loved me through mother fucking hell, like a verb. Each of you have cried for me. Each of you have loved me no matter what. Your beautiful flowers and the sentiment in your card sister…I love you! I love you so fucking much! And sister…my beautiful cake, that I will share with my girl 😘…thank you for how you see and love me! Thank you! And my friends who always show up…no matter what or where or why…no matter where my crazy ass is…giving free hugs…impromptu work days…whatever and wherever I need you…I fucking love you! Thank you for blessing me and my life with you!!

    And so, so many text messages and. likes and private messages and comments on my sobriety posts…I love each of you, so, so much. Thank you. Truly, this girl could not feel more blessed and more full and more in love than I am with all of you!! Thank you for seeing me, for celebrating me and for loving me the way I need to be loved…right where I can feel it…and especially where I cannot not feel it. I am so fucking stoked to be walking home right next to each of you cool cats! I love you! I fucking love you!!!

    Today I celebrate me!

    Good Monday morning! I am taking my five year chip today at noon and I’ve got a lot going on inside me. Tumbling around and tossing itself about…that which is not mine. I realize that it is not mine and so I write this morning to release it.

    Corals morning dialogue with self went something like this;

    Why did I invite the people I invited to see me take my five year chip? Hmmmmm…I invited a few of my friends to come to see me take my five year chip because I desperately want for them to have what I have. I see that their struggle is real. Being invited to an AA meeting five years ago, on my way to happy hour, is why I am sitting here sober this morning. And so, I invited them to a meeting with me, like I was invited to a meeting with a friend five years ago. There are others that I invited because I want them to see me sober…as they have only ever known me in active addiction. I want them to see me. There are people that I invited because they have been my fucking lifeline over the course of my sobriety. Phone calls and texts straight from the heavens…on days when I wasn’t sure where my next breath was coming from…you were my breath. Thank you. Invited the people I love the most…the people who have loved me the most…like a verb. I invited all of you. I will see those if you whom are so called or so moved to be with me today at noon!

    My life had become unmanageable. That’s Why I’m Here. Thank you Kenny Chesney.

    The last year for me has been my most difficult, as I accept that I’ve been let go of. I didn’t think there would be a more difficult sober year for me than the year my mom died three years ago. It just reminds me that I am in control of nothing…absolutely nothing at all. My mom sent me one last card in the mail before she died and that card was congratulations for my sober birthday. A Dr. Seuss Birthday card form my Mom and Dad, in my Moms writing. My mom was so proud of my sobriety. There is no fucking way in hell I’m letting go of it. I am not sober for my Mom, and not I am not sober for anyone else. I am a sober woman for me and that is how I stay sober.

    Today I thank each and every one of you who left, for you made room for those who belong here and want to be here. Thank you. I thank each of you who stayed, for your love has kept me going. I thank God. Thank you Tamara for inviting me to that meeting five years ago. Thank you.

    AA is a private thing really. Friends of Bill. Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason…and so I just wanted to reflect on why I felt I wanted to make my five year chip public this year. I invite you to a very deep and personal part of myself, when I invite you into my sobriety. I invite you into an even deeper part of myself when I invite you into my life before sobriety. So, there you have it!

    Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

    What we allow will continue.

    Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday! I feel amazing this morning thinking about my sobriety. I am taking my five year chip tomorrow at noon and I am really, really thankful. January 2nd I turned 5. My conscious life began to begin. I am so thankful for five years of sobriety.

    Sunday mornings for me were like the Johnny Cash song, “Sunday Morning Coming Down”, to which I made myself a pitcher of bloody Mary’s, for the pounding headache that ailed me. Not to mention, all of those vegetables were very good for me. It should be no surprise at all that my favorite vodka was made of potatoes! I was a hot fucking mess and so I drank!!! What we allow will continue.

    So on this Sunday morning, I am thankful for my medicinal tea. I am thankful for my studio space to meditate in. I am thankful for our home. I am thankful for us.

    I found my way back to prayer and being comfortable talking to God in that forum again. My brother Rumi brought me back and I am so, so thankful. I have amazing people in my life. You are in my life and I am so thankful.

    I know that I am leaping off of the edge of all that I know and all that I have ever known before, as I allow God to remove my fear this morning. I allow God to cast away my doubt. I let go. I have been so afraid to jump. This morning, I jump. I jump into my purpose. I walk toward all that invites me to move forward and to honor my highest good. I move into a life of service and trust that it will pay our bills and provide us all we need. I stop chasing clients and invite them to come to me. I have a lot to offer and I accept that I am worthy to be paid my asking price. I will not underestimate or under-value myself any longer. It was so lovingly suggested to me that I take the letter that I wrote to Tamara a day or so ago, and replace her name with my own name. How did that feel? That felt fucking amazing! Thank you so much for suggesting that to me Holly! I would highly suggest any of you to do the same. Replace Tamara’s name with yours and read the post again. Dear Coral….see for yourself. Truly…see yourself and love and appreciate yourself. We each deserve to be seen. Thank you for the reminder my beautiful cousin! I love you!

    We come here every morning, you and I, to figure it all out together. We meet in this healing room to summon the courage to heal ourselves. We trust here. We live and love here. Everyone is welcome here and no one is turned away here. We talk about some hard fucking stuff in this space and we always will. What we allow will continue.

    I want each of you to help me to find a way to call attention to this and to bring an end to this. There must be consequences for this. Please pray for our sister with me this morning. What we have allowed is continuing.

    As long as the elderly are being left to die alone in nursing homes, where there are being brutalized and raped and tortured, we will talk about it. We will bring this dark and fucked up bullshit into the light.

    If you are on your way to church this morning, please lift our beautiful sister up in prayer. Our beautiful sister has been in a vegetative state for over a decade, after a near drowning incident, at a nursing facility in Phoenix, Arizona. After being raped in a vegetative state, she gave birth to a son a couple of days ago. Please pray for her. People say they aren’t in there…I am here to tell you we are all fucking in there until we are not in there. The doctor said that she felt pain. In labor for hours to possibly days…she felt pain. Being raped…not allegedly fucking raped…she could not consent to anyone…she has been vegetative for over a decade. It’s not fucking alleged. Someone…someone’s…raped this woman. Within the last nine months, someone fucked this poor woman and impregnated her!!! What in the fuck are we going to do about this? We…you and I…us and them…what in the fuck are we going to do about this? We pretend that it doesn’t happen and we do nothing. Well, now you know…google her. What are we going to do? I am going to bring awareness to this and I am going to ask you to do the same. Blow up social media and get this poor woman some justice. Pray for her. Love her. Pray for him. Love him. For fucks sake…do something. We must each do something. I write. I ask you to do something to. We cannot allow our elderly to leave the world this way…our injured and terminally ill to be discarded this way. We cannot be more concerned about being politically correct than we are about being fucking human beings. God please bless this woman and show her your grace and love and mercy. Please, with me, with all of your heart…send her all of your love. Send all of the people in similar situations all of your love. If your family members are in assisted care facilities, nursing facilities and hospitals…under hospice care and paid care…I would advise you to do some research. Love them for fucks sake and protect them. Know the people who care for the people you care for. Please.

    Our loved ones…our elders and our brothers and sisters…our mothers and our fathers..they are being brutalized in these facilities and we are paying them very well to do so. Don’t take my word for it…do your own research. First though, please pray and send our sister all of your love. Thank you. What we allow will continue.

    What Tombstone taught me about love…

    I dedicate tonight’s blog to the first and most wonderful pig I ever met…my boyfriend Tombstone. Tombstone softened my heart and changed my life. I never met a pig before I met Tombie. I ate plenty of pigs…bacon, sausage and pork chops. I never knew my bacon had a face. Tombstone gave a face to the things I indulged on that we’re not things at all. The things I fried up in my pan and ate with my eggs…those used to be someone. Tombstone taught me that bacon has a face. Tombstone taught me that pigs feel and that pigs are smart and loyal. Tombstone taught me that pigs love and need love. I love you Tombstone. Thank you for loving me, in spite of me. Thank you for the lessons and for blessing my life with you! I am vegan for five years in March because Tombstone taught me that bacon had a face. Tombstones sister Piñon taught me that chickens have a beating heart. Thank you to Tombstone and Piñon, I am vegan now.

    Dear Tombstone,

    Today on our human calendar, you have been gone a year. We went to bed sad last night thinking of this day. You changed our lives through your life. You, our founding father, have changed us. Today, we speak your name.

    Tombstone is the first pig I ever met. Five years ago, I got a call from my friend Tamara to ask me if I could talk to her pig Tombstone. Tamara said he had been standing in the pelting hail and freezing cold and would not go into his house. I was hungover and getting in the shower and I assured her I would get with Tombstone. Before my shower was over, I was seeing Tombstone standing facing away from his house and getting blasted. I asked him why he wasn’t going in his house. Tombstone was very clear that he didn’t know where his house was. I told him to turn around and walk inside, and he did. I wasn’t even out of the shower and my phone was ringing…”What did you say to my pig? He just turned around and walked in his house!” I told her he didn’t recognize his house and that is why he was outside. It smelled and looked different Tombie said. Tamara said there had been some work on his house…insulated and painted and baking powder put down to absorb the odor of urine and poop. Ahhh…yes…that explains it. And that was my first encounter with Tombstone.

    The first time I met Tombstone, I assumed we were fast friends. I was wrong. It took a while before I could speak around Tombstone at all. I had to be escorted by Tamara. Until Tombie could trust my hands and my Reiki…we didn’t speak aloud at all.

    Tombstone became one of my very dearest friends. With all of my heart, I love Tombstone. Thrown away in a dumpster for being defective, with a lame front leg…only a day or so old…that is how Tombie came in. Tamara pulled Tombstone from that dumpster and the rest is history. We lost Tombstone a year ago today. Our hearts hurt.

    Thank you Tombstone, for teaching me how to love, in spite of what I learned. Thank you for teaching me what it means to me someone and not something. I miss you buddy. We miss you so much. Momma Tamara misses you the very most. Please shower her with popcorn, I mean, love…and help her sad little heart. Today hurts us without you. You aren’t in your house. We miss you. We love you. We thank you.

    If you would please, say it with me, with all of your heart, “We love you Tombstone.”

    We will float…

    Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I am not going to lie…the struggle is real this morning. I held the tears below the lump in my throat all day yesterday. This morning I felt the dam breaking and I tried to hurry down the driveway before I collapsed in heart wrenching exhaustion. I was wailing. The tears were squirting out of my eyes…no longer falling down my cheeks. The dam fucking broke and I could not contain the pain. The dam broke and I could not, if my life had depended upon it, have stopped the flood of tears. I could not catch my breath and I had to medicate for a bit before I could even meditate. I felt it coming on like a fucking tsunami…I was about to fucking crack. I lit the fire and paced around a bit. Tears still shooting out and my hands shaking. I knew I would not let this take me down. I knew that I could pause and breathe and make a different choice. I will make a different choice. I prayed for the wisdom this morning in my meditation with Rumi to guide me. My prayer was answered. I know what I must do. My heart broke again. My shooting tears, gently fell down my cheeks. I sobbed. My hands could not contain the tears. I sobbed some more and let them go, dripping onto my shirt. These tears shall wash away that which no longer serves my highest good…that which no longer serves your highest good. These tears…my tears, for us all. I cry them after over forty years of holding them in. I have been crying non-stop since October of 2015. I have been crying inside since I was conceived of. I wash it away…all of it away, for all of us. This flood is our salvation. This flood shall wash us clean. We must not sit here any longer and drown. We must swim. We must swim until we float. We will float. In absolute tranquility and without any struggle, pain or fear…we will float. And so it is.

    I am thankful beyond words for my medication. My PTSD cannot unfuck itself once I go spinning off of my axis like that. I am thankful that this morning, I had some warning before it hit. I am thankful I was able to get the spinning to stop before I couldn’t. I am so fucking thankful to Tamara for holding me up this morning, so that I would not hit the ground. Tamara is my rock. I am so thankful for you my girl, for loving and accepting me, as sick as I am and right where I am at. Thank you.

    I get discouraged some days. I feel like I have terminal illnesses that no matter what I do, cannot be cured. I am an alcoholic. I will always be an alcoholic. I have C-PTSD and I will always have C-PTSD. Some days I really do get discouraged by that. Oh, and I got the call to schedule my pelvic injections and pudenal blocks for January. The clenching and the fucking pain…oh the fucking pain. Even in a fucking snow drift up past my knees, I can still feel this fucking pain. And fuck! Just fuck! How do we address that? With more pain. Good pain…and excruciating pain, none the less. Oh, and I find myself in this mother fucking trash bag by the curb again. Some days all of that really fucks with me pretty good. Some days it hurts me so badly that I cannot even open my eyes before the tears start. Today was one of those days. Up by 4:00am and trying to pull myself together by 8:00am to leave for work. And the struggle is fucking real, isn’t it?

    So what do we do? Today, I will do my best to rise above it. Today I will be of service. So if you need me, please let me know. I will see how I can help. I will go to work because I know my gift is needed and my work is good. I will stand in my convictions and I will not go where I’m not loved like a verb. I will stand up for myself and my brothers and my sisters. I will write. I will love. I will have heavy doses of musical medicine. Nahko and SOJA are in my immediate future, to remedy this pain. I will love. I will love. I will love. And so it is.

    I love you. Have a beautiful day!

    Dear Tamara, love, me

    Good morning and happy Friday. I feel inspired to write a letter to my girl today. And so it is.

    Dearest Tamara,

    I’ve been wanting to sit down and write you a letter and the time has not allowed it. I write every day and somehow, this morning, it just feels perfect to write to you here. Only pieces of us that we both don’t mind sharing will be spoken of. I write publicly because I have the time carved out and I’ve got some of the words flowing. I also thought that maybe my love letter to you might fit for someone else (like a hallmark card…or not…we shall see!) who could not find their own words for their beloved…soulmate and best friend. So, here it goes. I write for you today my beautiful girl, with all of my heart. I love you.

    Watching you yesterday in our winter wonderland with news cameras and your carefully prepared list of the animals needs, I saw you differently…deeper…more raw maybe. I see you. Maybe I just saw you a little more busted up…a little more open…a little more vulnerable and yet not vulnerable all. I saw a little girl and a grown woman. I saw me. I saw you stand up and ask for help. I was…I am so very proud of you. I don’t like the word “proud” really…and yet I’ve not another word to say to you that quantifies my feelings. To do someone proud is to act in a way that gives someone cause to be pleased or satisfied. You consistently act in a way that is selfless. You are always teaching and always craving knowledge. You inspire me every single day. Finding ourselves coming up a bit short…a bit stressed and a bit over our heads, you asked for help. I am so fucking proud of you for that Tamara. I really do look up to you and model myself….my own F-bomb dropping, crass and crazy self, after the things I see in you that make us all better.

    I learn every day from you things that I have to unlearn from my life before you. I watch you, a sober woman, and I learn how to be a sober woman too. I listen to you and watch you speak vegan and compassion and I am learning to speak vegan and compassion too. I am because you are. Ubuntu. You even taught me Ubuntu. Thank you Tamara.

    When we got the call that my mom was in an ambulance headed to the ER, and our life fucking stopped…and my life fucking shattered…and when it wouldn’t stop shattering, you gave me cover from the shards falling all around me. When I lost everything and everyone who mattered most to me, you sat backseat and let me cry about what I lost, while I overlooked what I have. It must have hurt you to have been so invisible as I ceased to exist myself in a grief that could not be tamed. When my friends and family chose to go on without me, you allowed me my space to fall apart. I know my pain and my inconsolable wailing broke your own heart and sound barriers. Thank you for loving me on through to the other side. When those I swore would never leave me, left me, you stayed with me. I know I wasn’t the most pleasant to stay with. Thank you for staying anyway. When I felt I no longer had a home to go to, you called me home here. I was scared and resistant and I often didn’t know how to stay put here. Thank you for always loving me enough to keep it open and to never cage me in. When I couldn’t…when I just fucking couldn’t…thank you for keeping us going. The last hit that just keeps on hitting…thank you for waiting in the wings for me until I learn how to step away from all the blows.

    When I first saw you all of those years ago, I didn’t see you at all. In my own personal hell…I saw only my next drink…only my own pain. You saw me though… and I am so fucking grateful that you did. The next time I saw you, I knew somehow, and consciously not at all, that I was home. I was not wrong. Tamara, you are home. Wherever you are, I am home.

    I know that without meaning to be, I can be a bit crass and harsh and emotionless. Without meaning to at all, I project my shit all over you. Thank you for loving me just the same. Thank you for not leaving me because I’m not where I want to be. Thank you for loving me even when I could not love me.

    Your activism and your passion lit me on fire. Your dedication and your resilience have jump -started my own. Your drive keeps me going. You inspire the fuck out of me my girl.

    I have learned to learn who I am and I am learning to think what I think. I think watching you do it has inspired me to do it for myself. You have never once made me wrong. I didn’t know we could both be right. Now I don’t want to make anyone else wrong either. Thank you for teaching me by example so much of who I am.

    In our quarrels, thank you for letting me know it’s okay to disagree. I did not know that it is okay to argue. I did not know that we could argue and you could still love me. Thank you for teaching me to disagree peacefully…more peacefully…I’m a work on progress for sure.

    As I shed so much of the ideology and thinking that imprisoned me, I thank you for your patience and your love. I am learning so much from you my love.

    Shoveling for days and days in the snow…in the stillness and the silence…the beauty and the wonder. In the darkness and with the glistening sparkles across the expanse of white winter…I found inside myself the will to live again. As I pushed with force at first…I learned quickly to be gentle. The snow moves with invitation and in a gentle and subtle dance with your shovel, if you allow yourself to dance. When you could not push one more snow drift, you looked to me and we pushed them together. When I could not take one more step, you came from behind and slapped my ass and made me laugh, and we trudged on together, up the mountain of snow that is our driveway, to honor our commitment together. This Sanctuary that we co-created on this land that we care for as we hold dominion over these sentient beings…our life…our love…and I am so thankful…to be in constant service and to be in constant motion in the pursuit of a better world for us all.

    I love you Tamara. To the moon and back…to infinity and beyond…in this lifetime and in every lifetime to come…with all of my heart and with all of my love and gratitude.



    We must stop waiting for someone else to fix this…

    Good morning everyone! I am traversing out today! We have another storm moving in this weekend, and so we must keep moving! I apologize to my clients I’ve not seen since I’ve been snowed in. I will see you today!!! Thank you to everyone who has reached out and sent and offered help. We truly do love and appreciate each of you so much! Thank you!

    I have really been somewhat debilitated by all of the nasty lately. I avoid the news like the fucking plague. I have been so busy shoveling that I’ve not been on Facebook much. I prefer to not sit and watch the shit show. In between shoveling and sleeping though, I venture onto social media and I see people being blasted…friends being hurt by those they love the most, people having to cross their best friends over the rainbow bridge…imminent divorces that could be avoided with some love and humility…kids who are parenting themselves…homeless people freezing to death…transgender women being taunted, harassed and murdered…family abandonment…child abuse and neglect…I just fucking can’t!

    So as I push my snow shovel around for countless hours, I rack my brain to find a way to show the world my love. I search my heart for enough momentum to kick all of this love business up a few notches. I shovel and I pray for peace. I feel the cold against my cheek and I pray for warmth for those who need it. As my feet and my body ache at night, I pray for those without any reprieve from their pain. As I go in to eat, to fuel myself to shovel some more, I pray for those without food. In my abundance, I pray for those without, that we may equalize and stabilize…level the playing field…exercise fair play…be kind and be of service. We are all just walking each other home. Not one of us will ever be whole until each of us is whole. Not one of us is truly free while any of us remain in captivity. All lives matter. Your life matters and so does the life of every other sentient being. We must understand this and respect this and change our entitlement into acts of service. White privilege all over the fucking place and it makes me fucking sick. People hurting people who we deem to be less than us and it makes me cry. A world full of hate and a fist full of love…a dark place with a tiny crack of light…a hopeless situation turned around by faith.

    We have the power to be the change we wish to see in the world. We cannot do this sitting in our chairs and hiding behind our computer screens. To be the change, we must be in action. We must jump in and be of service. We must give a shit. Two shits would be nice. We must care. Plain and simple. The shroud of complacency is alarming. The total disregard for human life and for the lives of the animals we say we love…it’s astonishing. Our belief that we are better and more than is disgusting. We are tipped in the wrong direction. In our ignorance and our complacency. The majority follows the idiocy and the intolerance and the fear of the hate…hate that we say we cannot stand. When will we wake the fuck up? The ignorance, fueled and perpetuated by hate, that we have come to believe..that flies out of our mouths…is sickening! “That illegal immigrant killed a cop.” Illegal? Immigrant? Who the fuck decided this? Who is legal? Who is not? Depends on the soil you were born on, doesn’t it? It does. Native Americans can speak to this, can’t they? Well this just doesn’t suit us…let’s just take the fucking land. And hey, fuck you guys. This land is our land. And let’s write a shitty fucking song about it and teach it to our kids in elementary school. Who the fuck are we?! Seriously…who in the fuck do we think we are? We are out of bounds. We are way the fuck out of bounds.

    Tamara often says, “If not me, then who? If not now, then when?”

    We need to tip this in a direction that serves the highest good of each of us. Did you know that approximately 85 people hold the majority of the wealth? Do you really think that they worked that much harder and deserve that much more than everyone else? While we drive by the homeless camps and as we cozy up in our homes at night…do we really think that they deserve nothing? We have heard and we have taught that there actually is more than and less than, in terms of living beings. The alligators mouth opens wide to the left or the right? Oh…you’re greater than and I’m less than. The alligator analogy was for math! It wasn’t intended for human beings. You are not greater. I am not less than. You are not less than. I am not greater than. There is always a tipping point. Tamara told me about it. I didn’t know until she did. We have to shift our thinking. We have to find people in those 85 or so people who want for each of us what they have. We have to seek them out and we have to ask for their help. We have to spread it out so that everyone has enough. We are mother fucking complacent. We have work to do. We must stop waiting for someone else to do it. Whatever it is…we must act. Someone should do something! Yes. Yes, someone should do something. You are someone. Do something. I am someone. What am I doing? Right now, I’m doing what I know to do. I’m writing. I’m living a life of service. I can do more. I will do more. Will you do more? We must open our eyes to the things we have turned away at. We must not be so selfish as to look away because their pain hurts us. Their pain hurts us because they are us and we are them. I am because you are. Ubuntu. And so it is.

    Have a beautiful day everyone! I am off to dress cozy for work to go and brave the roads! Be safe out there if you must be out. Be warm. Be well. Be love. I love you!

    I am 5 years sober today!

    Good morning everyone! I am overflowing with gratitude this morning for my sobriety. I am not going to lie…it’s all a bit surreal.

    Five years. My life has changed so much in the last five years. Being sober is an experience I never wanted to experience. Now I have no desire to ever be drunk again…no desire to be absent…no want to be numb enough that I convince myself that I don’t feel at all. Becoming me is an eye-opening and life-transforming experience. I thought I was me and so all of this un-becoming…well it’s a fucking trip to be honest with you! Sobriety for me, is a choice I never even knew I had and not a choice at all. Abstract and so fucking concrete all at the same time.

    My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

    This morning…this day…this date…all markers for a journey that I’ve been on. I’m just going to start writing my emotions…my thoughts…and maybe it will make sense. Maybe it won’t. This morning I need to purge some, to release some…to just do me a bit.

    My reflection on the last five years:

    Five years. A lifetime. Yesterday. Counting seconds. Days eternal. Infinite depth. Buried alive. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Fractured bones. Destroyed relationships. Broken dreams. Countless Coronas. Lime trees. Broken. Absent. Missing myself. My drink was my medicine. Medicine for the pain of my past and medicine to keep moving at all. Alcohol saved me. Alcohol destroyed me. Five years ago I stopped.

    I stopped drinking. I stopped numbing myself and my pain. Five years later, without my medication, I fucking hurt. My body hurts. Sober hurts. Stinking thinking hurts. Dry drinking hurts. The Serenity prayer helps. Being of service is the only real salvation. Ever. For anyone. Love is the answer. For all things, love is the answer. My sadness shows itself to you as anger. Mostly, I’m just sad. Today I am silent. Today I am thankful. Today I reflect. Being sober with Tamara is my most beautiful gift. Tamara is my most beautiful gift. I love you Tamara. My little brother is my most wanted gift, ever. I love you Shawn. My Mom is my greatest loss. I am my Fathers greatest loss. I love you just the same Dad. Even when it hurts the most, I love the most. I always have. What isolates me from you brings me closer to me. I am five today. I stopped believing that I could drink just one. I stopped lying to myself. I wanted what you had and so I went out and I got it for myself. I miss my Mom today. I wish my Mom could be here to see me now. I am here to share what I have with you. Sometimes it hurts too deep to bridge the gap. Scapegoating is not for me. Sober is the new strong. Strong is the new humble. Humble is. I am. You are. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

    Today I thank God for the courage, especially on the days I feel so weak. Because of my sobriety, I am coming to know serenity and I am so thankful. The work for me is in the wisdom to know the difference. And so, on bended knees I pray:

    Dear God,

    Thank you for helping me to keep coming back. Thank you for sending me someone to help me to find my way in the blinding storm. A storm that I had no fucking idea that I was in. Blinded. Thank you for Tamara. For every lesson, turned blessing and for every “no” that led me to a “yes”…for every ending that became a beautiful beginning…I am so thankful. Today, I thank God for reminding me of who I am under the shroud of who I was made to believe I was. To each and every one of you who loves and believes in me…thank you. Blessed and so thankful for the crack where the light enters me. Thank you my soul brother Rumi for illuminating my path. And so it is. Amen.

    I celebrate each of us today. My five years and your five minutes…your fifteen years and her 31 years. Your desire chip and my hand outstretched before you. I am here and I love you. Have a beautiful day today!

    Happy New Year! We are talking about a Revolution!

    Good evening! Happy New Year to you and yours. We have literally been trying to dig our way out all day. I am just now sitting down and drying out a bit. I thought I would write before I drop.

    I thought I would get up and meditate and write and begin my day and the new year off differently. I was quickly and abruptly reminded that I am in charge of absolutely nothing. It is 5:17pm and I am usually blogging at 4 or 5am. How quickly we forget how we are not driving this bus. Three and a half feet of snow on the ground and 40 beings depending on you will shift your priorities a bit.

    I had to cancel clients because I cannot safely get out. I panicked as I tried to work and sort it out. I surrender and accept that it will all work out. No work. No pay for me though. Tomorrow isn’t looking like I’m getting out again. I started to panic and am reminded again that I am in control of nothing. Every little thing is going to be alright. Bob Marley would not fucking lie to me.

    I am blessed beyond measure. I am living in a Sanctuary in the mountains with my soulmate and my best friend. We are here together no matter what and that makes me happy. I mean, to know that I belong here and that I won’t ever not belong here. Like everyone here, the rest of my life and the rest of Tamara’s lives here will be the best of our lives here too. I can shovel for days or until I drop dead shoveling knowing that I’m home. This girl…this life…this opportunity…I can shovel all night if I must.

    I really don’t do New Years resolutions. Every day I strive to be better than I was yesterday. I believe this year…2019…I believe we are talking about a mother fucking revolution! We are talking about standing up. We are talking about being a voice. We are talking about a revolution. Equal rights. We are done sitting back and sitting down and shutting the fuck up. We are done standing down and pretending that we did not hear you. We will not be quiet while you audibly berate us. We will not bow our heads in your fucking shame for one moment more. Your teasing…that’s bullying, and it has no place here. Your mocking…ya, just stop. Truly…shut your ignorant mouth and just fucking stop. Be kind. Be honest. Be real. Be love. Or be quiet.

    I hope you have a beautiful evening. I hope you have set yourself up for a beautiful year! That is how you have a beautiful year you know…you just know you are going to have a beautiful year. You don’t hope for it or wish for it…you just go out there and have a beautiful fucking year. That is what I am going to do. And so it is.

    Goodnight everyone. I love you.

    Please reflect and pray with me…

    Good morning everyone! Happy New Year’s Eve! This day used to be a huge drinking day for me. Everyday was a pretty huge drinking day for me, come to think of it. Anyway…I was fucked up five years ago on this day. Thankful for another shitty year behind me…praying for a better next year…yada, yada, yada…and shots for everyone! I don’t even do shots…unless someone pours or buys me one! Okay though!!! That’s how I spent the first 41 years of my life. Mindless. Careless. Numb. Fucked up. Miserable. Hostage. Stuck. Sad. Drunk. Fighting. Fucking. Arguing. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking. So on this, the eve of a brand new year, I thank God for the friend of Bills he sent to me on that day, on my way to happy hour…a friend needing a friend to go to an AA meeting with her. Sure I could go to an AA meeting on my way to happy hour! I know my friend is going through a hard time and hey, I heard they have free cookies and coffee and I should eat before I hit the bar anyway, right?

    I never made it to the bar that evening. I never made it to the bar again. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Thank you Tamara for inviting me to that meeting five years ago. I will be five on January 2nd, 2019. “There but for the grace of God go I.” This morning’s reading on the last day of the year was so powerful for me that I wanted to share it with you also. Thank you Bill.

    I am so glad you are here! I really am. Blogging every day, no matter what, has been so good for me. I am going to blog every day for another year. I have heard from so, so many of you who come here. I know my blog has helped you too. To be able to go somewhere every single day, and to know that someone else will be there too…I guess that has helped a lot of you and I am so happy to hear this! You being here every day helps me too. Especially on my most difficult days…you being in the healing room with me…well it helps me so much. Thank you.

    As I spend today in prayer and meditation and in loving time and space with my girl, I think of each of you. I want you to know that. As we walk each other home, I place your hand in mine. I place my arm around your shoulder, and I pull you close to me. I whisper in your ear to remind you that I’ve got you. I am because you are. Ubuntu. We are all here to love each other home. We live in community with people starving and dying in our streets. Hooray for me and fuck you, as Tamara says..when we have an attitude of ingratitude.

    I am on a hellbent mission to love us home and I will not stop until I’m done. I may not be your typical preacher and I may not speak to you at all. I may though, speak to you. Will you please pray with me? For the year behind us and for the year ahead…for this very moment, let us pray.

    My soul brother Rumi, we come to you thankful this morning. We are thankful for the last 365 days…the 525,600 minutes of the year behind us. We ask for your love and guidance for the 52 weeks and 8,760 hours ahead of us. Most of all though brother, we ask you to help us to live in this moment. Just this one…right here and right now. The past is behind us. The future is not promised to us. The present truly is right here and right now. In this fucked up crazy world, where everyone and everything is our business…gently remind us that everything is not our business. We know right from wrong. Lord help us to do what we know in our hearts to be right and just. If we cannot find it within us to stand up…God give us the courage to stand down. If we cannot help them Lord, please stop us from harming them. Please hold our tongues in pause before we cut those we love the most. Please God remind us that we are all the same. Not one of us will be whole until each of us is whole…please let us understand this. Our brothers and our sisters, different from us and yet so very much the same..please let us recognize ourselves in one another. There are no beings less than any other beings. There are people. There are sentient beings. We are all the same. Please remove the slurs and the labels and the judgement from our lips. God please remind us that we’ve two ears and two hands…two eyes and but one mouth. Let us shut our mouths if we’ve nothing nice to say. Let our silence be our gift. Let our words always be kind. Let us love. As we learn who we have been, Rumi, guide us to forgive. Ourselves and those who’ve harmed us…let us show your grace and mercy…let us feel your grace and mercy. Let us know that God is in us…that we are God…that God is us. Let us no longer be separate. Let us love. Father forgive us where we have fallen short. Lift us up. As we come into a new year, we ask with all of our hearts, that you teach us how to love. Open us to your messages. Protect us from the harm that knows know bounds as we stand up in silent solidarity for and with one another. Teach us to stand in silence and in peace, until our voices are warranted. When our voices are warranted, God let us remember to ask if it passes through all three gates; Is it true?Is it necessary? Is it kind? If it does not pass through these gates, let us keep our lips closed until it is. Let us stand up for ourselves and for one another. We learned it wrong and we ask you to help us right it. We misunderstood and we ask you to forgive us. We ask you to bring forth the leaders who are here to love us home. And so it is. Amen.

    Thank you for praying with me. Have a beautiful day and please be safe. I love you. Don’t drink and drive. Hey…better yet, don’t drink at all. Be present. Be sober. Be real. Five years later and thankful as hell, I highly recommend setting that bottle down completely my friends.

    You may call me ma’am…

    Happy Sunday everyone! I won’t even pretend that the struggle is not real for me today. The struggle is kicking my fucking ass today. I am hurt. I am frustrated. I am tired of the fucking hate. I am suffocating and gagging on the words people are fucking mincing. I am fed up with the bullshit. I am over being fucking lied to. I am sick of feeling spiritually bankrupt because I am often so undervalued that I actually believe I’m not worth much…it’s bullshit and yet I buy it. I am done buying it.

    Things are coming up for me that are torturing my soul. It’s not forever. For now though…I am a bit fucked up over it. I’m definitely worn out from it. I’m sick because of your sickness and I’m a little pissed about that on this day. You….and you and even you throwing me away has left me feeling a bit like a piece of fucking trash. And to be bluntly honest…I throw up in my mouth a bit when I hear the shit I hear spewing out of yours. Your are ignorant and you do not wish not to be so. You are hurtful in action and only sorry in words. Your words hold no value here any longer. The moment the truth was lost…the moment the tables turned and promises started getting broken…the moments that followed became increasingly difficult for me. Today is difficult for me. It hurts me to say it, and yet say it I must…I won’t be your whipping boy. It hurts me to say it because I didn’t know that I was until the beatings commenced. The faces I see in the dark are darker and more familiar than I remembered them to be. The color that faded to black is coming back in technicolor now. Denial does not serve me and so I speak my truth. You need not listen or hear it any longer. I’ll not waste my heart and my voice to fall on deaf ears any longer.

    Like I said…the struggle is real for me today. The words bouncing around inside my head are crushing my reality a bit. I have been stuck in a full blown PTSD spin since 5:00 or so AM. I cannot get out. I have cried most of this day and I have remembered things that hurt my heart. I saw a video of Tiffany being taunted and teased and fucking abused and tortured by ignorant and senseless fools and I fucking weep. God damn it do I weep. I know that pain. I know those snickers. I know that rage that boils over when you just want to be yourself…and you are not permitted to be. I know the hurt of being the person you say you hate, without knowing anything about me. Your ignorant and foolish comments, ignorant as they are, hurt me. Tiffany is my sister and if I hear you call her brother, I will not stand by and pretend that I did not. Tiffany is my sister and you will not fucking call her mister…or sir…not on my watch…not without a word from me. I will not be silent when you hurt my sister. I will not stand down when you stand up where you don’t fucking belong. The ignorance flowing from your lips like wine is not intoxicating to me…your breath of too much drink and the slur across your lips keeps me remembering why it is that I am sober. Thank you. Tiffany is my sister. I ask each of you to please send my sister Tiffany your love. As long as one of us broken, not one of us will truly be whole.

    Words hurt. The withholding of words hurts even more. I ask each and every one of you to give yourself permission to stand up for what is right. Do not stand by laughing and mocking and teasing too. Do not forget that what enrages you about me deeply touches something in you that you’ve not yet resolved. Let me not forget the same thing in my conflict with you. I hurt so badly tonight that I cannot console myself. I hurt for who we’ve become…for how we treat one another…for how we toss each other aside…for how we hurt the animals…for how we hurt our wives…I weep for Tiffany, for I see and feel her in myself. I stand with Tiffany. I am going to ask you to stand with my sister too. You may call her ma’am and you can treat her like a lady. If you cannot do these things, then say nothing to her at all. Do not question her, as it’s not your fucking business. I don’t ask about yours and you don’t ask about mine. Deal? I’ve got my sisters back. I will always have my sisters back. If you do not have my sisters back, then you do not have my back either. I am my sister. My sister is me. You are my sister and my sister is you. The sooner we all know this, the sooner we will all be free. What holds you hostage bars me in also. Your pain is mine. Your hurt, mine.

    This blog is dedicated to my sister Tiffany and to all of my brothers and sisters in the Queer and LGBT 🏳️‍🌈 community. We have every right to be here. We will not be silent to make you comfortable and we will not stand down when you step up. You are out of line. You have been called out. We will appreciate it for you to stand down, step the fuck aside and treat us like ladies. You may call me ma’am…although I prefer you call me Coral. If you call me sir by accident, I will understand. If you call me sir again, I will correct you more audibly. You will call me ma’am or you will not call me at all. And so it is.

    Please send out all of your love tonight to my sisters and my brothers who will not be silent any longer. We will stand up for ourselves and for each other and I am going to ask you to stand up for us to. Will you please stand up for my sisters and brothers and I when you see us being persecuted? Your silence hurts us more than their infliction. Please know this. If we matter to you, like you say we do…start standing up for us. You may call me ma’am. And so it is. I love you Tiffany. I love you. Goodnight.

    We fucking love you Cherie!

    Good morning everyone! We woke to a blanket of white snow on everything and 8 degrees outside! It’s beautiful and peaceful and quiet and serene. I am home here and I am so thankful. I belong here and I am grateful. I am at peace here. Even in my unrest, I am at peace here in these mountains, here with this woman, here with these sentient and beautiful and peaceful and healing beings. Everyone is still safely tucked inside their cozy beds awaiting the sun. I came down to write and to meditate. The pellet stove burns bright and the lights glisten off the snow. I sit to spend some time with you this morning. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe and warm and content. Thank you for praying with me yesterday. We will be praying together a lot, to heal us all. Until every single one of us is whole, not one of us will truly be whole. We must come to understand this…to know this and to be the love that tips the scales, not the hate that keeps us petrified, holds us hostage and stunts our evolution and our growth.

    There is someone sleeping in our house right now whom epitomizes love. Love is an action word and this woman is in action…in selfless action…consistently and all of the time. Yesterday morning as Tamara and I were shoveling and snow blowing our way to everyone, this beautiful woman was preparing for a trip to our house, to help dig us out. With her permission, I to dedicate my blog today to our dear friend and sister, Cherie. Our beautiful angel…Cherie.

    Our beautiful angel lives at least an hour from our home, on a good weather day. As I had mentioned, we have been under blizzard watch and the roads, though open, were treacherous. We had at least two feet of snow on the ground and it never stopped snowing yesterday. With many obligations of her own and with her snow shovel and her overnight bag in tow, she set out to brave the storm for us. We had no idea she was coming until she texted to let us know she was stuck and awaiting a tow.

    I have spoken endlessly about love as a verb…love as an action word. When we love, we are moved into action. Love is why we are here in the first place.

    It is now 4:30pm and everyone at Santuario is tucked in safe and warm. Our dear friend and sister Cherie is home safe and sound…cold as a popsicle and probably ready for a good nights sleep. Cherie left her own rescue and her own dogs and her own husband and their home to come and be of service to us. I cannot think of a more shining example of selfless than that, can you? We had a slumber party here at Santuario last night. We broke bread together and we talked to and listened to one another. We love you Cherie! Thank you for making time for what is important you. We are touched beyond words at your love in action. We are sorry for all of your troubles trying to reach us and we are glad you are home safe and sound with your babies tonight.

    Thank you to our neighbors for giving Cherie a hand. You guys know who you are and you fucking rock! Thank you for stopping and taking the time to help a dear sister of ours in need. Tamara and I love you and are so thankful for the love up here in the hood! Truly. We have amazing fucking neighbors. We have amazing people in our lives and we just want to thank each and every one of you for how you see and love us. We love you all right back!

    Back to Cherie…what a glorious human being…what a selfless example of love in action. Cherie, thank you for leaving all that you love and hold dear in life to come and help us. We love you. We thank you. We’ve got you too sister!

    This evenings, I write for us all:

    Some of us who feel the least loved are the most loving. Some of us who hurt the worst, help the most. Some of us who cry ourselves to sleep at night wake up every morning, just to make you smile. We go so far out of our way for others sometimes that we actually often forget our own way back. We love. We love fucking fierce. We regress. We begin again. We fall and we stand back up. We know you need us to stand back up and so we do. We hurt. We are love. We stand united and we know that we are not alone. We show up. We know why we are here and we are fucking in…we are all in…all the time…we are all in. We love. We forget that we deserve love to. We are learning who we are…how we feel and what we want. We will let you know what and how that is. We would appreciate like effort from you. We matter. We love. This is how we do it…those of us who walk this walk. We just fucking do it. We are all in. We are inspired and we are on fire. Our crowns have been fucked with and our sparkles have been dimmed…our dreams and lives shattered…our bodies wrecked and savagely beaten…and still, we will not back down. We stand up for you when you are right. We stand up to you when you are wrong. We care. We draw a line. This line is our boundary. We honor our boundaries and you will honor them too. We insist. We…who is we? We…you and I…him and her…them and us…we. I speak of each of us…of all of us. We are all the same. We are never individually whole until we are each whole. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

    Thank you Cherie and everyone who loves us like a verb. We love you right back! I’m off to enjoy a cozy evening with my girl and our dogs. We miss them when we get so busy. Tonight we have family night and we count our blessings…and you are among them! Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

    Thank you for this inspiring post this morning Diane! Sharing it with everyone else too! I hope you don’t mind!

    Please bow your heads in prayer with me for our homeless community this cold and treacherous morning…

    Good morning everyone. I humbly ask each of you to spend some time in prayer with me this morning for our homeless community, for all beings less fortunate than we are, that they may feel our love. I wrote a prayer at the end of my blog and I ask you, if you’re so inclined, to pray aloud with me, with all of your love and positive intention, for those who need our prayers.

    Happy snowy morning everyone! We are under blizzard watch until 6:00am tomorrow. We have been shoveling since 5:00am and have the animals paths dug out on one side of the property. Tamara is feeding now. I’m taking a quick break to blog and then we will continue shoveling. We have a couple of feet of snow and it’s been snowing constantly. The snow blanket it beautiful. I have fond memories of snow days when we were kids. As I sit here in the studio now, I am thinking of my little brother and how we used to play and play and play. Shawn was my very best friend and we lived in our own little world. We had such love for one another. I realize that we still do have that love for one another. I am so fucking thankful for this that I cannot even find the words. I love you Shawn! We could build quite a snow family in our yard!!! We used to scrape enough snow together for a small snow child…this is fucking epic!

    I want to thank each of you who has reached for me during these very difficult holidays and the three year anniversary of my Moms passing. The struggle has been off the fucking charts for me since October. Actually, let’s be honest…the struggle has taken me the fuck out for almost three years now. I am ready to live my life. I am ready to laugh and sing and dance. I am ready to embrace those who embrace me back and to move away from those who do not. I am ready to write. I am ready to learn to play guitar…a lifelong dream of mine…bucket list for me. I am ready to celebrate five years of sobriety next week. I am ready to fall in love with my girl all over again. I am ready for new relationships with each of the animals here, especially our dogs, as I learn that I do not need to control them. They do just fine without my micromanagement. They have their own dreams and desires and wants and I’m ready to step back and let them be themselves. I am ready to be financially comfortable and secure. I am ready for long hikes with Tamara, snow shoeing and inner tubing…laughing until it hurts and then laughing some more with that beautiful girl. I am ready to wake up from the slumber that has kept me. I am ready to accept what I cannot change. I am ready to not take things personally…to not take you or anyone else personally. I am ready to be of service in any and all ways that I am able. I am love. I am ready to share my love. And so it is.

    Wherever you are today, be safe. Slow down and take your time. Enjoy the beauty around you. Give thanks for the wonder and beauty that you are.

    I ask everyone to stop what they are doing and to share a moment of solidarity with me, for the beings on this planet who have no food, no water and no shelter this morning. Please, with me, let us send them all of our love, by saying with me;

    “God in Heaven, looking down, next to my mom and so many of our moms, please grace us with the angel of Fatima, that she may spread herself like a blanket, over those who need her warmth. God please shine down and grace those suffering and less fortunate, those freezing and without homes…without showers and running water…without food and without the love they deserve this morning. We close our eyes and we pretend they do not exist and God, we are sorry. We look away. We fail these beings, all of them, every single day, in so many ways. God, please right us in our hearts. Please help us to understand and to teach that we are all the same. We were each created equal and then we changed the fucking rules. We are ashamed of ourselves for ever believing that we were more than or better than anyone. We are not in action God. We are sorry only in our words. Please move us to action. Please inspire us to love everyone. Please teach us peace, so that we may know it in our hearts. God, for every single person, the thousands in my city, and for everyone displaced elsewhere God, I ask that you raise up their cries so that we cannot not hear them. We were born into white privilege and we are ignorant enough to think we are not. We have what we have largely based upon the soil we were born on. We are not better than anyone else. Please remove the illusion that we are any more in any way than any other living being. God, many of us don’t believe in you at all, and we just want to throw that out there. Please find your way anyway, to soften our hearts to love. Every homeless person, and there are so, so many…God please touch them that they may feel you and not give up. We aren’t moving quickly enough and so many of our brothers and sisters are suffering and dying before we can reach them. God, please place those of us in action, in places where we can be of more help. Please guide us to more resources. For this moment though, for each suffering and broken and tormented soul who has not known our love, please God, guide us to them, that we may love them. Please break us down so that we may humbly build from the bottom with them, a foundation as solid as the one we were gifted. God, please hear our cries. God, please soften our hearts. God please help us to help our brothers and sisters. And so it is.”

    Have a beautiful day everyone. Thank you for praying with me this morning. I love you. Please allow everyone, everywhere to feel my love this morning.

    The morning after my shift in consciousness…

    Good morning everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas yesterday. I woke up in pretty rough shape and I really had to search my soul to rise above it. I meditated and medicated and prayed. I cried and I broke down. I wailed and broke inside. I went inside to get ready to go out into the world and be of service and I got a text from my Dad, for Christmas. A text. In the shower, I thought, I will call my Daddy when I get out of the shower and wish him a Merry Christmas. I came out of the shower spiritually lifted and powered up a bit and yet still struggling. I picked up my phone and I saw the text. I started to unwind. Tears started to fill my eyes again. My chest got tight and I wanted to crawl back into bed. Hearing nothing from my Dad on December 3rd, because the text he wrote never sent, we agreed to call and not text on important days. His idea and I concurred…no more texting, especially on the really hard and important days. And I sit here hurting and not feeling that I can write about it…reading it might hurt him so I must not write it at all. I’ll just carry it. Guess what? I am done fucking carrying it. The hurt I’m feeling…the loss I’m suffering…the one who I miss more than my dead Mom…it’s my Dad. I fucking miss my Dad. The man I write about…the man I can no longer reach…that’s my Dad. The text I got on Christmas, that said says Merry Christmas and you hope I have a decent day…that text was from my dads phone…on Christmas, and I almost shattered completely. I refuse to dwell here any longer. This mother fucking pain is too much and it’s not mine. I’ve plenty of my own. I love my Dad and I begrudge him nothing. His absence is noticed and has been for quite a while now. From October through the holidays, since my mom got sick and died, I have struggled. I walked through the initial struggle of losing my mom with my dad and I left my life and my partner to do so. I regret nothing. I only know better now than to ever put anyone above my partner, even my dying mom and my horribly grieving father. My family business is no ones business and so I regress. Corals blog though…this is mine and I write to heal myself. I come here to heal me and to sort my life out. I do my best to be respectful and to exercise decorum. I write, with love, my truth…the only truth I have, to help to heal us all. I write to get out what has been held captive inside me. As soon as it’s written, I say a prayer of thanks for the lessons and I allow them to become blessings for us all. I package them up neatly and I return them to the universe for the greater good of us all. And so it is. This blog though…Corals blog…this is mine. I write what I want and how I feel. I write my story and my experience here. You may not edit me or silence me or tell me who I am here.

    I grew up with so much expectation on me to be a certain way and to do things in a certain way. I tried very hard to meet those expectations. I will not do that anymore. I don’t meet expectations. I will treat you how I would like to be treated. When you take advantage of that, I’ve no choice other than to take myself out of harms way.

    My time is valuable. I am valuable. My wants and needs are important. How I feel is important. What I think is important. When I say “No.”…I would like to remind you that no is a complete sentence. I need not expound upon it or repeat it, nor justify or explain it, to anyone. I am taking me back. I am not living under anyone’s shroud anymore. If you have time with me and you don’t honor it, that is okay…it just won’t be freely offered again. Other people who need my time and value me and my time will be graced with my presence and my time.

    Christmas was beautiful yesterday. Tamara and I fell apart in the kitchen together. We miss our moms so much. We held each other up and we had coffee together. We cooked together and we got ready and left together, to begin our new Christmas Day tradition together. We had a choice to stay in our pain or to go out and be of service and we chose the latter. We were blessed ten-fold and loved and hugged and nourished. We gave and we received. We loved and we were so loved, by so many. Many of our dearest friends joined us and we made many new and dear friends yesterday…new memories and beautiful conversations. Thank you sister for having us! We love you!

    As I sit here this morning, my heart is full. We each make time for what is important. For what is not important, we make excuses. We all make money for what is important. For other things, less important perhaps, we make excuses. I’m going to be real honest here…that’s the way I see it and that is the way I try to live my life. If you don’t have the time to spend with me, just say so. No hard feelings and you don’t need to check me off of your list. You really do not need to do that. Just don’t put me on your list in the first place of you aren’t going to show up. Easy enough, right? I’m not talking about emergencies and broken hearts, being rendered catatonic in debilitating grief…of course I don’t want you to put me before you, ever. Here’s the thing though…don’t tell me you will be there or that you will do something when you’ve no fucking intention of doing so. You know who you are and you know what I mean. Just fucking stop already. I don’t have time for it and I won’t make time for it any longer. Awesome! Glad I got that off of my chest. Who needs shit like this in their lives? Truly…who knows exactly who and what I speak of? It’s the same fucking people all of the time…I call them arm chair volunteers…look at me on social media, offering to be of service, and never fucking showing up…look at me saying I’ve got you when I have absolutely no intention of getting you…look at me being your friend while I stab you in the fucking back…look at me inviting you to say I did and not giving one shit whether you come or not…look at me only contacting you when I need something from you…enough already please. Truly, I am hellbent to be here for you…every single one of you, whenever you need me and however I can. I simply ask that people with no intention of being where they say they will be and with no means of doing what they say they will do to step aside and let people step forward in authenticity. Fair enough?

    My circle…my inner circle has shifted dramatically. I’m keeping it small and I’m keeping it real. I’ve no desire for anything less than all of you…your authentic you. I desperately struggle with not taking things personally. I know I fall short. I am a work in progress, just like you. I will never ask you to be perfect. I am asking you to be real.

    Yesterday, the real people showed up and it was beautiful. One of our sisters was stricken with grief and pain unimaginable for most of us, and so we held her with us in our hearts all day. We hold her there still as she learns a new way of life. So do we all, struggle in the learning of our ever-changing, ever-shifting and ever-evolving lives. I hope you each heart center this morning as I learn a new way of life myself. Have a beautiful day everyone! Thank you for the color you bring into my world. I love you! I really, really do, love you. I hope you know that.

    Christmas to me…

    Good morning. Merry Christmas! I mean if that’s your thing. I am finding that Christmas is not my thing at all. I won’t be writing about Yuletide and joy and decking the halls this morning. You are probably going to church for all of that, like I did for the first 18 or so years of my life. I won’t offer you any of that. In fact, I sit here wondering what all of that really is anyway? Reindeer and Christmas trees…baby Jesus in the manger and exorbitant spending landing so many in debt. Suicide rates climb and alcohol consumption sky rockets as we celebrate baby Jesus? What in the literal fuck? I mean no disrespect…truly. I just cannot help but wonder what all of this Christmas hype is really about? I can guarantee you that it is not about baby Jesus.

    I landed in Hell last night and I’ve not re-emerged just yet. These feelings get pushed down and back every year and this year, stifled and repressed. Not this year…this year on Christmas morning as I open not one gift, and as I sit with no tree or Christmas decorations, I wish myself a merry Christmas. I wish you a merry Christmas. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. This day is just another day to me. Unfortunately this day cuts me deeply and I’m not done bleeding just yet. Sherry was Christmas and although she was with me in my dreams, Sherry didn’t make it again this year for Christmas morning. The primal cries dislodging their way out of me this morning feel as though they are fracturing my very soul. Sherry was Christmas.

    Days like today wreck me in ways that I cannot articulate. The world feels cold. The world is missing. Tangled up in tinsel and swiping credit cards like clockwork…pushing through crowds in a hurry to get the right sizes and the best deals…disregarding one another and human decency all together. Buying dead birds and stuffing them up their ass so that we can be thankful…ya, I don’t get it. I really have determined that don’t get it.

    I remember the joy of Christmas and holding Shawn’s hand as we waited in the hall together for everyone to walk in together. We were so excited to see what Santa brought us! Our Christmases were magical and storybook…full of wonder and joy…family and friends…delicious food and gifts…our house was always a destination spot for sure. I am so thankful that Shawn and I are speaking again. Everything else and everyone else from Christmas past is gone from me. I don’t really feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry. I feel sad. I feel a little lost and empty. I hurt so deep and so badly last night that I prayed I wouldn’t wake this morning. I’ve not prayed that prayer in a while. I meant it. Alas my prayer was not answered and so I am down here in my studio…writing and trying to figure out how to come to life. I cannot stomach the mean and the nasty and the short and the snippet. I cannot understand the irritability and the frustration so present everywhere. The intolerance and the outright abuse all around me. I literally feel it killing my soul slowly and I am tired of fucking dying this slow and agonizing death, over and over and over again. I don’t want to be too much and I am. I don’t want to feel like I’m not enough and I do feel that way, a lot. I don’t want to make excuses for you as to why you are as you are to me. I don’t have any fucking idea why you are as you are to me. I only know that it hurts and I don’t like it. You left and I watched you. I’m not crazy as many suggest. I’m honest. In a dishonest world. The truth that I crave and the denial of it have always made me feel a little crazy I suppose. Talking about how I really feel on Christmas morning…who the fuck does that?! I mean really…who does that, ever? Who talks about what really hurts and how we really feel?

    Being alone on Christmas morning isn’t any different than being alone on Thursday or Sunday…but it is, isn’t it? It is different and somehow it hurts more, doesn’t it? That loveless marriage hurts a lot more this morning, doesn’t it? The person you loved with your whole heart, who passed away and left you here…you feel that a bit more today, don’t you? The divorce and the custody battle…it all hits home on days like this…all you’ve lost…all you miss and long for…somehow it hurts worse this morning, doesn’t it? Maybe it doesn’t for you…and I am so happy if you are in a different place than I am this morning. I was once in a different place than I am this morning. I will be in a better place again.

    This Christmas morning I could not blog about what I do not feel. I do not feel joy. I do not feel like tinseling the town. I am not digging gifts out from hiding places with a smirk across my face. I’m not playing Santa and passing out gifts under our family tree. I…just I…sit here feeling like a fucking bomb went off in my life. I see all of the pieces scattered everywhere and they look and feel familiar to me…and yet this must be someone else’s ground zero. This must be someone else’s life. This cannot be happening to me.

    I just had morning coffee with Tamara and I feel a bit more grounded. We cried together. We hurt together. We come together…in all of this pain…I thank God that Tamara and I always come together. Tamara is my rock and I am so thankful.

    Tamara and I decided to begin a new tradition this year for Christmas. A tradition that embodies who we are and how we feel. We are going to be spending our day today being of service. Please join us if you wish! We would love to have you!

    Jesus was born in a manger, to a virgin. There was no room for baby Jesus in the inn and so they prepared a place for him in the barn. The wisemen came and gifted him gold, frankincense and myrrh. The gold is a symbol of kingship on earth. The frankincense, an incense, a symbol of deity. The myrrh, am embalming oil, a symbol of death. The shepherds left their flocks and came to the manger. The North Star their only light. The animals gathered around baby Jesus and it was fucking serene and beautiful and holy. How did we get from that manger to the commercialization and exploitation…the exclusion and the alcoholism, the debt and the wars we are waging…all in the name of Christmas?! For fucks sake, where is baby Jesus?!

    On your way to your Christmas church service, how many less fortunate people did you pass right by, without a second thought? If Jesus is the reason for the season, I suggest we start being Christlike. If you attribute all of this holiday hype to that baby in the manger, then where is your frankincense? Shoving a turkeys ass full of stuffing while shoving another cocktail down your fillet…excluding that annoying family member and talking shit about the people not sitting with you…failing to set a place for those gone but not forgotten…and tipping back another egg nog…did you think that maybe you might be missing the whole point of Christmas?

    Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. This day…Tuesday…is a good day to go out there and be love. Don’t take Christ out of Christmas and wonder why we are as we are. We are here to be of service…to walk each other home. We are here to love. Merry Christmas! Maybe take a moment to think about what Christmas is and what Christmas is not to you this year? Don’t continue someone else’s tradition that doesn’t jive with your soul. Don’t honor a tradition that you know absolutely nothing about. We are here to love each other. Our new Christmas tradition is that…to be love…to be loved…to be together. And so it is.

    If you’ve nowhere to be today…come be with us. Seriously, message me if you want to be with us today. We would love to have you! All of you…everyone is welcome!

    I love you!

    You know I know the place inside you that hurts as I do? The primal scream that just won’t cease and yet won’t allow others to hear its cries. The disappointment over and over and the hurt of those you love the most. The weight that is not yours, resting on your shoulders and the sleepless nights in agony. The cries you hear that others don’t. The pain you feel that others pass in complacency. The knowing that you can’t not know. You and I. I and you. I feel you. You am you and I am not you at all. I’ve come to understand you as I better understand myself. We are the same. We are one. I m because you are. Ubuntu.

    The similarities become clearer as our differences fade. Reality is. It is what it is. The knowing of the unknowing graces us if we allow it to. We divide and we come together. We ebb and we flow. We grow. We become. We let go. We understand what once perplexed us. We conquer demons we once feared. We open. We close. We give and we receive. We let go. We accept what we do not know. We hurt. We hurt so fucking bad. We scream: we cry. We go silent inside for days. We emerge and we cave back in. We expect and call it hope. We say we know when we do not. We want to know and yet don’t know because we want you to think we already know it all. We do not know it all. I say fuck a lot. I love a lot. When I’m gone, I’m gone. Sometimes when I am here, I am still gone. We cannot master what we dare not to learn.

    The remembering has been hard for me. The knowing. The indisputable truths. The irreconcilable doubts. The nerve blocks lasted less than 48 hours this time. 48 hours is the most relief I’ve ever had from the pain. The pain is off my charts today. I am thankful for the 48 hours. Next time I will have more relief, more time without pain. Not today though. Today I hurt. You hurt too, don’t you? I feel that…your heart. I love you. Have a beautiful Saturday afternoon.

    What is Winter Solstice to me?

    Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Winter Solstice, also known as midwinter, occurs when one of the Earth’s poles has its maximum tilt away from the Sun. It happens twice yearly, once in each hemisphere. (Wikipedia)

    Tamara and I have celebrated the Winter Solstice together for the past five years. Last night was no different. We celebrated our dear brothers birthday with our friends while celebrating Solstice. While we were breaking bread together, he asked us what Solstice means to us. I sat with his question and I answer this morning, what Solstice is to me.

    Winter Solstice five years ago was a time of endings overdue and a beginning that I did not see coming. I live now where I visited for the first time five years ago. I am home. I was home then and I may not have known it and yet, I have always felt it. Tamara is home and winter Solstice reminds me of that. We must have our endings before we have our new beginnings. We must break before we can reconcile. We must fall before we rise. We must hurt before we heal. We must weather the seemingly invincible winters to receive the radiant Sun of the welcoming summers. We must hate to know love in its truth and entirety. Only then can we realize that they are one in the same…love and hate. Deeper depths allow us to reach higher heights.

    I was not very alive five years ago. I was deep in addictive addiction and didn’t even realize it. I was in the most unsettling, ungrateful and abusive relationship of my adult life and desperately trying to figure out how to get her out. I was miserable and I was stuck and I was sad and I hated my fucking life. On the verge of losing everything, and I did finally lose everything…my house, my belongings, myself…I met the most amazing friend.

    Winter Solstice, five years ago, was the first day of the rest of the best of my life. I had no idea then. I just knew I had the best friend I had ever had and I was so thankful. At a time when we both needed a friend…to listen, to accept, to be present…to talk for hours…to laugh the deepest belly laughs of your life with…to go and see the ducks at the pond with…to lie in the Sun and say absolutely nothing with…I met my best friend in that invincible winter. Everything else, I lost and I am so fucking thankful that I did. The darkest and longest night of the year, leading into shorter nights and longer days…as the Sun is being born again, so too was I…so too am I…so too are you!

    With heavy wind advisories in effect and no snow on the ground, we were unable to have our bonfire last night. In keeping with our tradition, and I invite you to join us if you wish! I am making a list of things that I want the fire to take away. With all of the love and gratitude in my heart, I say thank you for the lessons and the many, many blessings. I place my list into the fire and I return to the universe what is no longer needed, and what does not serve my highest good. I say thank you and I love you and I let it go! And so it is.

    I have come to many conclusions and the one that is hitting me heart center this morning is that my living is finally more important than my Moms dying. My life deserves me and my presence. My grief has taught me so much and I am so thankful. Spending time in the depths of this despair has awakened in me a desire to live without limits, to love and serve and to be, without expectations. And so it is.

    Sitting in front of a cozy fire and welcoming the Sun into the sky, I give thanks for all that Winter Solstice has gifted me.

    Winter Solstice to me, will always be Tamara and I. This shall be my beginning, my ascension from the grief that knew no bounds. This morning, my list for the fire is simple…”I release into the fire all that does not serve my highest good, the highest good of all of humanity and of all sentient beings, all of my expectations and my hopes disguised as expectations, all of my fears and my resentments of myself and of others. I let go of negativity and negative self-talk. I release my need to be right. I shed my ego. I open my heart. I thank you for the lessons as I turn them into blessings. I let go. I release fear. I release blame. I release you. I release me. I forgive you. I forgive myself. I let love. I am love. So be it.”

    So, I have decided that this day shall mark the first day of my 365 Day Blogging commitment to myself for my second year!Thank you for being here for my first 365 or so days and for meeting me here every morning. Thank you for fighting my demons with me and for loving me and praying for me through it all. I love you! Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Let us all awaken anew this morning and let what is behind us go. Let the ones who left us rest in sweet peace as we give ourselves permission to find peace of our own. And so it is.

    I saw you as I drifted off…

    Good morning everyone! Thank you for the love and prayers. I am doing better this morning. I was given puedenal nerve blocks on both my right and my left sides yesterday, in hopes of finding some relief. The last two sets of injections were insufficient, and so we have moved to the nerve blocks. I am hopeful and faithful that we are making progress, slow though it may seem. There is somewhat of a deafening and paralyzing pain that is fading…as I consciously and mindfully lay to rest that which does not serve me.

    The sky lightens from its darkness and I begin to follow suit. The sun breaks through and I feel the strength to do the same. I recall what I cannot forget and I cry. I realize that it matters not and I still hold on a little…simply because I do not yet know how to fully release and let go of it all. I look to the strengths in others that I myself know I need to polish up on, to study and to know. Strength of boundaries and self-confidence…absent of ego and self-righteousness. Releasing my need to know. Trusting that I truly do know what is best for me and so do you, know what is best for you. Setting the fucking circus down when it’s not my circus and those are not my fucking clowns. Shedding my need for your approval. Learning to value myself so that I charge what I know I am worth to me, without hesitation to you, when you ask me what I charge.

    In being the change, I offer myself some reprieve from my constant insistence that I am not worthy and that I am not enough…that I am too much or somehow inappropriate. I am as I am and I need not have your approval. I was told I did need your approval and I know better now. Your approval is not needed.

    I’ve some people in my life whom I know without a doubt, would do anything for me. I’ve some people in my life that I would do anything for, as long as it didn’t harm someone else, and truthfully, even if it did harm someone else…for these people, I’ve a knowing and a loyalty…a love that I can’t quantify or measure…I might harm someone else for them. I feel different now about loyalty. I feel different about a lot of things. I am thankful that I do. I am thankful that I’m learning and growing…ebbing and flowing.

    Yesterday was horribly emotional and I struggled a lot. Tamara was with me. I was loved and supported and honored and I felt loved deeply at the doctors office.

    As I promised, I pictured you as I faded away…you turned to me and I write to my struggling and once addicted self, in hopes that my conversation with me will help you…the alcoholic who still suffers.

    Hey Coral..I see you….Drowning in your bottle and not knowing yet, that all you must do is tip it upside down to get out. Coral, just tip and let the liquid that drowns and dulls your sparkle and your soul pour out alongside you and leave it to itself. Coral, as you know, You must reach your own tipping point to tip that bottle over and you must do it for yourself. Look at you Dancing and leaping and desperate to hurl yourself out the top of the bottle you fell into…look up above you to the sky. See the sky?!? You thought the lid was on the bottle, didn’t you? You haven’t really looked up in so, so long. How long has it been Coral, since you saw the sky? You forgot there was a fucking sky, didn’t you my love? I know because I forgot there was a sky too my friend. Look up with me at the sky!!!! And in the light of the sky, do you see my hand outstretched before you? My hand extended before you, to help you to the sky…to help you tip your bottle…to hold your remind you of your own heartbeat…do you see it now? There are other hands also and I encourage you to grab one. You are drowning in a river and dying of fucking thirst. You are holding yourself prisoner behind bars that do not fucking exist. You are lying to yourself and we are seeing the truth all over your face. We hear it in your voice and we know it in your behavior. You do not fool us and you know this, don’t you? We love you just the same. We want you to be well. We want you to want you to be well. We can’t want it badly enough for you and we can’t make you see you as we do. We can tell you this though…your absence is noticed.

    I was struggling yesterday as I sat down in the stirrups, for I was still awake this time, and my world was not quite black yet. I panicked and I resisted because I was afraid of the pain that put me sitting in that chair in the first place . Naked from my waist down with only my socks on, I went somewhere else, and I remembered you…with your pants around your ankles against your will…scared like me and knowing what was coming. I closed my eyes tight and faded away. I prayed for you.

    As I awoke crying and afraid, I was taken care of and loved and I channeled this love through me to you. I will not let this take me. I will not let this stop me, from getting what I deserve…some reprieve from my pain, some separation from my trauma. As I faded off to sleep, I took you with me too, so we could rest together, if only for a moment.

    You do not know and I do not know…we cannot know the battles that each of us face. Even when we think we do…we only know a little. We have all been hurt. We have all had to leave places and we have all known fear. We have no comparison…your pain to mine…pain is pain and hurt is hurt and we must rise above it. We must call it out and heal it.

    I do not live there anymore. I visit when I must, to heal us all…to give us hope…to light the way. Today, on the morning after, as I sit and reflect on my life, I am thankful for the love and strength…for the ones who brought me in…for the ones who left me…for the ones who stayed and for those to come…for those who hurt me, seemingly beyond repair…and for those who picked up the pieces…for those who shattered me…for those who awakened me and for those naive enough to think that I was sleeping…

    This blog…this healing room…Coral…we are here together for a reason, you and I . We are here to rise above it and to make better choices. We are here because we fucking survived and we are here to begin living. We are going to have to hurt a lot in the process. We are going to be dropped onto our knees, screaming for mercy. We will want to give up and we must not. We must stay the course. We must stop lying to ourselves. We must admit that we are lying to ourselves. Rigorous honesty my friends…rigorous honesty…

    I love you and I thank you for loving me, as I heal through the horrors of my life, to re-emerge victoriously, as a beacon of light for us all.

    An act of solidarity for the alcoholic who still suffers today and an update on my medical situation…

    Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday! The struggle is real for me this morning and I could really use some love and prayers.

    For those of you following, here is an update on my medical situation. Due to severe childhood sexual trauma, I have constant contracting in my vaginal/anal region. This is lifelong. I’ve never not hurt in this region. My pain hangs out around 5 or 6 almost all of the time. Often higher and seldom lower, for as long as I can recall. I really don’t know how to describe it…other than to say it is ungodly and traumatic…like a constant ramming and ripping down there. It doesn’t stop or subside and the more time I spend in my sobriety, the more noticeable and intense the pain becomes. In an attempt to make this stop and because my mom died of cancer, I had a complete hysterectomy and have agreed to try these injections into my pelvic floor. I have to be put under anesthesia for the procedures because my trauma and my PTSD won’t handle it any other way. This will be my third procedure and I have a long fucking road ahead…a very long road ahead of me.

    The darkness begins to surround me as I cannot help but remember the ramming and ripping and the pain and the torture and the fear that landed me here in the first place. I cannot help but hurt for Sam as I so clearly see her in my minds eye being brutalized and berated and tortured. Scared and trembling and not allowed to cry or make a sound…and after giving her best fight,little Sam put her little head down and closed her little eyes, vaulted up out of that little body, and went to meet God again.

    I have my pelvic floor injections this morning and it’s really fucking with me. My last injections, which were three injections on the right side and a nerve block on the left side. And fuck did that hurt! The contractions eased for less than 24 hours after all of that, and so it sit here weighing it all. I’ve been put at every three weeks instead of four to six weeks in between injections, and so even though I’m doing everything recommend, my pain still persists.

    I want you to know that I am taking this needle to the vagina for all of us. I am enduring the horror of this to heal us all. Trembling as I seat myself into those stirrups and fighting back the tears for us all…I want you to know that I do this for you. For me. As I fade off to sleep, I recount your horrors and your stories and I take one more for the team. We are a team you know? As I think of you and little Sam, I know that I must stay strong. I must not give up because I am afraid…because it hurts…because it doesn’t feel like it’s working quickly enough. I must suit up and show up and give it my all. I must do this for us all. We all deserve my strength and so I share my once private world with you…to bring us all back in…to call each of us up…to love every single one of us back to good. We came in perfect you know…you and I…we came in perfect as we were. We are fucking perfect now.

    The darkness around me this morning reminds me of the light that I am. The fear that I can’t handle the pain is a reminder that this pain is not that old pain. This pain has a means to an end. This pain is to heal me and not to harm me.

    I will be five years sober on January 2nd 2019. I am sober in these darkest hours. For anyone in active addiction, struggling to get out, let me tell you this. I would be dead if I were not sober. I killed careers and relationships, friendships and dreams with my drinking. I destroyed myself and the people closest to me in the depths of my addiction. I did not give one fuck, at least not where anyone could see. I checked out because the knowing of what happened to me was more than I could handle. Physically, emotionally and spiritually compromised. Financially and emotionally bankrupt. I drank to fill a void, to dull a pain, to forget the horror. I drank to feel a part of things and I drank in isolation to be free of all things. I drank when I woke up and I drank myself to bed. I got promoted, I drank. I got fired, I drank. My life hurts. My heart hurts. My family hurt me, and I was forced to drink. I was forced to drink so I wouldn’t remember, so I wouldn’t cry too loud, so I would pass out…so you could have your way with me while I lost me completely. I almost did you know, lost myself completely.

    Today though, I am not lost. I am more deeply saddened and crushed than you can possibly imagine, as I remember those who hurt me and how they hurt me. My soul screams as I remember faces on the other end of the hands wrapped tightly around my neck, taking life from me over and over and over again. There were more than two hands and there is more than one face on the other end other all of this. I did not know and now I cannot not know and my soul shrieks and tremors…convulses and I almost cease to exist at all. And then I think of you. How can I help you to be strong if I cannot muster the strength within myself to stand up for what is right? How can I give you hope that I do not have myself? How can I love you if I can’t love me enough to find wellness and wholeness and love? I cannot give you what I don’t have and so this morning, I am going to go and get us all some healing, some strength for our own healing…make that call and get yourself seen.

    We rise the fuck up, don’t we? We rise the fuck up. This morning, as I am pushing myself with all I’ve got…I invite you to do the same. Do not sit in your shit for one more second. If you are sick, go and find wellness my friend. Be well. You deserve…I deserve…we all deserve to be well. If you are drunk, get sober. Seriously, stop sloshing around in your own fucking shit. Every day you do the same thing and every day you get the same results, don’t you? Did you know that is the definition of insanity…to do the same thing over and over and over again and to expect different results? I know. I know. Your life has sucked and your drinking is an illness. I know. Me too. And guess what, if you want what we have, we will help you to get it. You have to want it first though. You, in the bottom of your bottle…the one who is losing her grip on reality…the one who is drowning in self pity…I’m taking this one for you today…These injections this morning…I take these injections, each and every one of them…for you, that you may find your strength, your worth and your way. You are fucking worth it. You are everything! Taking one to the vag for you today my friend…in complete solidarity…with all of my love, today, for the alcoholic who still suffers, I go in for my injections.

    Please join me in the Serenity prayer:

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    And so it is. I love you. Have a beautiful day!

    My soul shifts…

    My soul shifts. Seating itself comfortably in time and space…my soul rests. Gazing forward and looking back only to bid farewell. Seeking only to understand…never to punish… finally letting my burning need to understand at all, leave me, dissipate and see itself out. My soul shifts.

    In the midst of life, there is death. In the midst of death, there is life. Winter has always pushed me inward. Seeking the warmth and comfort of a fire thats flame has smothered itself out. Spring will be here soon to seduce me out again. In this season of laying to rest and hibernating, I surrender to the still. I wrap myself in snow blankets and run and play with the bears. We frolic and make snow angels. We dance and catch the snowflakes on our tongues. When the cold begins to overtake me, the bears wrap themselves around me and keep me safe and warm. The bears thrive in winter and they are my guardian guides…assisting me in finding the wonder and joy and comfort of the coming cold.

    My soul shifts as I remember and accept that which I cannot forget…at least not on this day. Tomorrow though, I am hopeful, that I will arise without remembrance of a pain I cannot find words for. My soul shrieks and rages and rides and falls…ebs and flows…My soul shifts as I remember…as I speak aloud the horrors once only in my head. My soul celebrates the validation that was needed to forge ahead. To be drowned over and over is also to be born over and over again…to be reborn afresh and anew…to begin again. As I rise from the water…the same water that once drowned me and took my life from me, my soul shifts. I have drowned for the last time. I am born and baptized, cleansed and birthed anew…under waters that once held me…I wash it all away, cleanse my soul and forgive it all. I begin again. And so it is.

    My soul shifts as we carry Sarah home. To be with her and to love her all the way home. My soul shifts as I recount carrying my own mother home three years ago. My soul cries in longing for another afternoon…another road trip…another afternoon baking Christmas cookies with my mom…a cry so primal and untamed…the cry for the woman who carried me in. My soul fucking screams.

    My soul shifts as I sit across from my baby brother. My soul settles into becoming and releases the need to control what I cannot change or understand. My soul shifts as I feel I’ve another sister for the first time…a sister I choose, who happened to marry my little brother. My soul knows I’m strong enough in body to embody what I must for my soul to thrive and prosper and evolve.

    My soul shifts again as I arrive home in the darkness of night. After driving through the darkness of the forest and the trees, I found my way home with my heart light. My light, drawn to her light…igniting our light…We are home here. I am home here. I see the bears sitting under the light left on for me and they run to greet me…to love me…to say they missed me. As I crawled into bed and cozied in next to the woman who loves me more than anyone ever has loved me, my soul shifts again and I am so thankful.

    Again this morning, my soul shifts as I thank God for my beautiful life…for my nearly five years of sobriety…for sobriety in our home…in our thinking and our actions. I hurt in a more healthy way this morning. I hurt as though I’ve cut my finger, and not as though I’ve lost my entire limb. Those who want to be in my life…who really, really want to be in my life will always find a way. Those who want to will always make the time. Those who say they will and who do not and those who cannot commit and show up…well they simply make more time and space for those of you who do, and so it is! My soul shifts again as I think of each of you and send you all of my love. I sit in gratitude and wonder…in humility and in awe of the love that surrounds me now. Today, I honor each of us for all that we are. I love you for exactly who and how you are. I am learning to let you know that without expectation, so please be patient with me. I am just now learning so much that many of you already know. I M just now living my own life for my own self and I am a little unsteady. Your love and patience is always appreciated. I love you. Have a beautiful day!

    Happy Saturday…I love you!

    Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday!

    I have been so loved and so gifted by so many of you most recently. I want to say thank you…from the bottom of my heart for how you see and love me. To those of you who have unconditionally and without expectation or want of your own, gifted me, you’ve no idea how much this means to me. Truly…thank you.

    The struggle is real for me. I know the struggle is real for you too. This time of year…this season…this emptiness where we once felt full…the vulnerability and uncertainty and loss. It fucking hurts, doesn’t it? The memories and the knowing of loss in a way and at a depth not known before…it fucking hurts. The hurt is the door for the healing. The pain is a Segway to the bliss. The lies allow us to feel and know and live the truth. We are divine spiritual beings having a temporary human experience. I read that in Wayne Dyer’s book and I could not imagine this to be so. Now, I know it to be so and so I share with you. If it hurts, know that it will pass. If it’s amazing…make it last. The more that we get this, the happier we become.

    I love you! Have a beautiful day!

    Welcome home Asmi!!

    Happy Friday everyone! I thank you for being here this morning. I went to bed last night and woke again this morning wanting to spend quiet time in sacred space. First though….WELCOME HOME ASMI!!!!!

    We brought Asmi home yesterday afternoon! Asmi gently rode in the chariot that she came into the vet in the day before (our bright and cheery and ever faithful Dozer yellow Jeep Wrangler…AKA, our transport vehicle 😊) to her new life in Sanctuary at Santuario de Karuna her new home and ate some dinner, sniffed around a bit and then she walked right into her house and went night night, We said a prayer of thanks for how very blessed we are. In the middle of the night, in my bare feet, I went outside to check on her and she was cozy in her house and being protected by the bears. This morning, like it was Christmas morning as we waited for her to rise, so we could go out and greet her! We were all so happy! Asmi slurped her breakfast down with a huge smile across her beautiful piggy face! Asmi is home.

    Asmi means “I am”.

    Thank you to each and every prayer you sent. Thank you for the love and the donations. My work on her began this morning and will be intense, yet slow and gentle and very frequent. Several slow and loving times a day…one day at time.

    If you all wouldn’t mind joining hands with me and holding space in your heart for this beautiful being who began her new life when she was picked up as a stray…loved and nurtured by animal control during her five day hold…vetted with the most loving, accommodating and healing vet care by Western Trails Veterinary Hospital…generously loved and supported by all of you, and safely transported to her forever home at Santuario de Karuna yesterday…Please say it with me and with all of your heart…”We love you Asmi! Welcome home baby girl! Welcome home! You can follow Asmi’s journey on Facebook at Santuario de Karuna. We would love to have you come on over and give us a like, if you like!

    In case you wanted to buy or sell your records, tapes or CDs…this guy is the one not buying from me. Maybe he will buy yours?

    Many of you have asked how you can help me and for this information…so here you go!

    Good Thursday morning everyone. Thank you for all of the love yesterday. These things hurt our hearts don’t they? Hearing about the people that we love getting assaulted and hurt and abused…mistreated and refused service…feeling them break. You felt me break and it hurt, didn’t it? Unless you are one of the broken ones projecting your pain onto me, which is what happened in that CD/Record/tape store on Washington; you know the store that buys records tapes and books and CD’s, except for not from me? I know. I thought it odd too. Maybe you would like to go in and see if he will look at your CDs before he screams at you that he isn’t buying? If you would like to go in and try to sell something, maybe he will buy from you? If you stop in, I would love a picture or video or audio of him looking at your stuff, even if he turns you away…if it’s not too much trouble. I mean…I hope I’ll be sending the guy a lot of business today, so I would love to celebrate in photos.

    Maybe this will jog your memory? Posted in his front window?

    No? Then…hold on…let me ask safari…Maybe you’ve seen his listing yourself?

    So, I’ve an FJ full of CDs that I wanted to sell. I had driven by this place a hundred times and so on Monday, my friends helped me load the CDs into my car and I took them to try to sell them. Needless to say, the CDs never left my FJ, as I was refused service and then refused a reason that I was refused service. I was then screamed at and berated and belittled…pretty much chased out of the store…Oh and then when I got in my car, peacefully to leave…(you can see it in the reflection in the glass window, backed in and ready to show him my CDs)…after I closed the door, he came running out and took down my license plate. So to oblige him, I got back out and offered him to take a photo of my plate and my ID and we could wait for the cops to come together. He ran back in and I got back in my car. I decided that since he took my info, maybe I would take some pics of he and his info. I’m sure he won’t mind, since he didn’t ask me before taking mine….so I stepped back in and snapped a couple of photos. I thought you might like to see them too, so they are attached to my post this morning.

    Many of you have asked how you can help me. What can you do to help? You can help me to document and video and photo document injustices when you see them and to do something about it. Be the change. If you’re in Albuquerque, grab a few CDs and go and sell them to this guy, or be refused as I was. Maybe he will scream at you and take your plate down too…maybe not. Either way…you want to help me…drop in today and sell him even on CD…shoot me photos of your receipt and your picture selling it…today…tomorrow…next week…that would help me.

    Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you. Thank you for getting my back! I’ve got your back too!

    Anyway, best of luck selling your things to him today…even one CD would be such a victory, as he said he was buying nothing when I went in…and a maybe a photo of your receipt and a photo of you going in to sell it and coming out victorious with cash in hand having sold it! We would all love to share in your joy!

    You have the right to refuse service to me. I have the right to ask you why.

    Good morning everyone. The struggle is waging war on me right now and I am struggling to write. I struggle to go out into the world most days. I was refused service again yesterday and for some reason, it really hurt me. I am used to being treated like a piece of fucking trash and yet I am shocked every single time. I cannot wrap around the hate and the intolerance…the anger and the rage that must have to build up in someone to treat another human being as I am treated. I cannot grasp the slurs and the words hurled around and at me, as they fly by at lightening speed almost taking my head off and piercing and ripping through my heart.

    Yesterday, I was shaking so badly inside that I looked down and I was actually shaking on the outside. My knees buckled and I told the tears to stay the fuck down until we could leave this place. This place…and so many others like it…refuse to actually refuse me service…they just won’t help me. They won’t sell me anything or buy anything from me. They pass me off to others. They talk in a small boiling roll under their breath and snicker as I walk by.

    Yesterday I was somehow blindsided again by the mother fucking ignorance that has somehow invaded my entire life. Somehow, even though it comes so often, yesterday, I just didn’t see it coming and when it hit me unsuspectingly, at first it almost dropped me. And then…it ignited me and set me on fucking fire. That flame burned steady and held strong and true. As he screamed at me and said he could not help me for the seventh or eight time, without telling me why that was, shaking almost into convulsions, I had a choice. I chose to leave that place and to come back later…after I calmed down and had a good pause…with some friends and possibly some media coverage so we could ask this man together, why he wouldn’t serve me.

    As I told him…you’ve a right to refuse service in your business, as do I. As a person constantly refused service, refused assistance and treated less than the shit on the bottom of your shoes, I will tell you this…If you refuse to serve me, henceforth, I’m going to ask you why. I am going to ask you why in front of all of your patrons. I am going to ask you why in a pitch that matches yours, so that we can both be heard.

    This morning though…with crushing chest pain and tears welling up in my throat, I need a moment to regroup and to turn this around. My friend Eileen helped me with her words last night. Thank you Eileen. This morning, for each of us who has ever even once been treated this way, I take and ask for a moment of silence.

    I ask that we join hands and that we stand up for one another when something so egregious occurs. Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it honest? If it doesn’t pass through these three doors…here is my unsolicited advice…Don’t fucking say it at all. We must be the change…for ourselves and for each other. Hate hurts.

    Have a beautiful evening. Goodnight.

    Good evening everyone! I hope you had a beautiful Monday. I have been meditating on this day. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. Thank you for loving Chase. Thank you for loving Taffy. I haven’t heard from Chase, other than he said in FB that he is at a friends house. Taffy is doing better. Have a beautiful evening! I love you. Goodnight.

    We love you Chase

    Good morning everyone! Calling the angels down this morning, in all of their glory and in radiant light😎…calling all the angels!

    We walk amongst the angels all day, every day. We are the angels amongst us. Without our light, where will they find the light in their darkness? Without our love, how will they ever shed their hate? Without our faith, how shall they make way to their own? Without voices, how will their cries be heard if we go silent?

    My brother, you are here to be a voice for those who cannot speak, I am here to remind you that your silence is noticed. You are a mother fucking light in this darkness and I come to re-kindle your flame. I see your little flicker…struggling to stay a kindle and and so we come to light you back up.

    Your pain and your rage and your despair have not fallen on deaf ears my brother. We hear your cries and we feel your anguish. Your hopelessness ignited my own passion to banish it from you! You are too fucking much to reduce yourself to so little because you feel you aren’t enough! You are perfect the way you are my brother. Your tears are running down my face brother. Your blood beats through my own heart. You’ve pointed a sword at my brother and I am here to take it from you. You have forgotten who you are and why you are here and I have come to remind you. Your sword, at your own throat? Who will you save with your throat slit at your own hand? Whose voice will you be if you cut your means to vocalize? My brother…my beautiful, beautiful brother, I have come for your sword. For if you point it at yourself, you point it at me also.

    So many…so, so many sentient beings, with no voice at all need you. I need you. I love you. I believe in you. I am right here. I know you can’t reach for me now. I feel that. It’s okay…because we all come to you. We come for you my brother, as you have come for them, to remind you that you are loved, you are wanted. You are someone, not something. You matter and they fucking need you to be well. We don’t want you to fucking die my friend. We don’t want YOU to give up. Your cry for help had been heard. Angels from all realms surround you and hold you close. The animals across the rainbow bridge aren’t ready to see you just yet. They asked me to remind you that their friends here need YOU brother.

    You have a choice that only you can make. I just came because the animals asked me to, to tell you that they love you and they miss you and they feel you. They wanted you to consider them in your choice. Without you and your voice…without your passion and your dedication to them, many more will die.

    I love you brother. I love you so much. We all love you so much. Tamara loves you so much. We just wanted you to know. We are a phone call away and we have heard your cries. You are in our hearts and we hold you until you can hold yourself.

    I ask each of you to lift my brother up in prayer this morning. My brother needs our love. He lives in his car in Berkeley, California and he lives and breathes for the animals. Could we all stop what we are doing and take a breath for Chase. With me and with all of your heart, please say it with me, “I love you Chase.” We need you buddy. They need you.

    This picture and his name are used without his permission, as he is not able to reach back right now. Please forgive me brother…I’m going to post anyway, trusting my intuition, that your heart needs our love now, more than you will give a fuck about that. I will remove the post if you want me to. Otherwise, I really need you guys to look in to this guys eyes and his heart and give him all you’ve got this morning. We love you Chase. We fucking love you brother.