Coral’s Healing Room at 505-269-9242 I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Random thoughts…

Working on this blog is teaching me an awful lot and it is nice to be learning…and occupying my time learning, about something that I have dreamed about and been scared of, all at the same time, for so long…

I have been in a fog for the last couple of years…truly only able to be fully present in my work, with my Dad and with Tamara…and with a very select and close few of my friends…

I have put a lot of pressure on those people I think…I mean, they have tried to be what I need and I have no idea what I need… I have tried to be what they need and I have no idea what they need, or what I need…

So, in that regard, my life feels a fucking wreck…a colossal fucking wreck!

Truly, I am having to basically unwire everything I have learned about who I am, what I think, what I feel…because it is wired for someone else and who they wanted me to be…they are my wires but they are plugged in all of the wrong places…they are frayed and shorted out and fucking twisted and burned the fuck out!

And truthfully, probably, so are some of yours…and maybe not…I would think that maybe we all have parts of ourselves that someone else dictated, created, designed or interfered with to an intrusive degree…parts of ourselves that maybe we would like to recreate and build and paint and mold, ourselves…all brand new for who we are, for who we aspire to be…the real, true, pure and honest to ourself selves…

Anytime I think of being “real”, I think of The Velveteen Rabbit and one of my favorite quotes of all time;

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Some very random and rambling thoughts today…I feel a little scattered, a little broken…a lot tired of feeling a little scattered and a lot broken…

And so…I am going to set this shit down and go get a Christmas Tree with my beautiful girlfriend!

There has not been a whole lot of happy for us since my Mom got sick. I have aged many years in only a few months…and my smile has been pretty hard to come by…

So, with all of these rambling and random thoughts, I am so very blessed…to finally be writing it down…getting it out and unraveling it…

Peace be the journey and if you are still here with me or just now here with me…if you are with me…hey, thank you! Truly, from the bottom of my heart…thank you!

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