Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I am going to use this as my launching pad for the good things coming!!!!!

I will I will be really honest…I was not sure how to blog today…that kind of honesty….this kind of pain…not for the public…

And then I thought…I best start blogging…and so, here I am…blogging, from way the fuck down at the bottom…

Have you ever been kicked so hard, so far below the belt…right in your gut, where you cannot even breathe, from the most unsuspecting source? I mean, truly, from the person that you would have bet your life, would never hurt you?

I have, as of most recent, been delivered such a sucker punch, from the only place I would have never expected it to come from. Not only can I not breathe…being upright really is not an option and getting my balance is proving challenging. The chest pains are almost as crushing as when my Mom left this world…

I don’t even have words for this pain right now…words do not elude me, ever, and I am rendered speechless from the depths of my very soul.

I have some words for the disappointment…nothing articulate really…just, wow…

I have a few words for how fucking pissed I am…and I will meditate on that a bit more, as there is probably a pretty good sized mirror, in Here somewhere, and I’m guessing that it has some sharp Mother fucking edges…

I can speak to the deception…if only to say that, being God-gifted with intuition, is a double edged sword, a blessing and a curse, so to speak…It cuts deep as hell, against every grain in my soul, ripping in the opposite direction, when it is used against me…

It is almost like I am there, in present time…seeing and knowing and feeling…mute and completely fucking paralyzed, with only my sight and my hearing…and I cannot make it stop…whatever “it” is. Very heart-breaking for me…it has never led me astray.

The pain from this type of a blow, in complete sobriety…fucking excruciating…soul-crushing…heart-wrenching…and I feel it!

So, clearly, I am fucking blessed…no doubt about it. I am realizing that I can be blessed and hurt, and I’m fucking hurt too, and that, that is okay.

So, I will not lie…I think that I am feeling a little sorry for myself. Had I not put you on a pedestal, I would not be invisible down here. Had I not looked up to you so much, I would not be so let down. Had I no expectation, I surely would not be this disappointed. Had I never known what I have only ever known, what is happening now, would not be so foreign to me…and it is foreign to me.

Truth be told, it is hurtful. There is no other space…not in these moments…inconsolable, in these moments…sad and scared…in these moments…

Nothing says dysfunction, like this blog post…truly…just wow…I know as I write that I cannot proof this one, at all, or it will not go up, at all…

Anyway…I think I woke up stunned a few months ago…truly stunned. In my world, i truly have gone from stunned to completely fucking devastated.

I have decided that this rocky bottom shall be my launching pad, for the good things coming!

I can tell you that if you want to completely clear out most of your family…throw the word incest out there. I was not trying to clear out my family completely, and yet, it worked like a fucking charm.

I cannot be sure why this is…I know who my who’s are…and I cannot help but wonder how many more who’s and how many more me’s are there? After my posts went up on Facebook, in regards to my experience with “Me Too”…radio fucking silence. And…that silence managed to get more deafening, and continues to do so…I just cannot help but wonder what this is about?

And then, I got one message on Thanksgiving and one message on Christmas…from my entire family combined…that is one text on Christmas. That is one text on Thanksgiving , not from the same person…in my entire family!

I will again say that…this is my launching pad for the good things coming!

”You were long gone, too much heavy history…let go of blame, that shit will never serve me…”….Thank you, from the bottom of my heart Nahko Bear for the lyric, for the love…for the musical Medicine…thank you my Brother! And thank you my sister for sharing this musical Medicine with me…I will forever be grateful, as I believe it may have saved my life.

I did just re-read this and through my tears…I will keep writing. For me. For you. For us all.

I will also say that “I love you just the same”…and I will always, love you just the same. What I will no longer do is to neglect to love me the same too.

I will not occupy any place uncomfortable to me, for any length of time, for any reason, ever again.

Whoever you are…if you do not want me, that is okay with me, but please go and journey away from me. Find what better serves you. Find what makes you happy. Please do me the honor or doing the same for me and wishing me well…truly wanting for my happiness.

If you find yourself incapable or unwilling to do this, please stand the fuck down. Truly…please, from your very highest place, find my highest place and honor that…please.

If I am to write of my life experiences, I must no longer edit out the bad shit. I just cannot worry what people will think or what people will say…I will not use names, unless I ask you first. I write of all things in love, in an effort to heal myself…that is it. If it helps you, Hey that is great! Truly, I hope that my words help someone…I truly do…If it hurts you…you might want to look at why that is.

I am starting to feel myself levitate out of these fucking chains…almost as quickly as my Mom levitated out of her body on the day that she died…get me the fuck up out of here!!! More importantly, do not allow me to return and pick this up, ever again.

This old patterning, that says I am not enough…that says I “should” and I “should not”…I have to do this and I cannot do that…I am done and over with all of that…done and fucking done, I say…

Out of Loving respect for my Mom, I have always been silent about things that mattered to me, to keep our family secret safe and silent and under the proverbial rug. I will not, absolutely will not ever be silent again, about things that really matter to me…never again…

In honor of my Mother…and in loving memory and with all of the gratitude in my heart…I will ALWAYS, have my voice. I will not be silent about the things that really matter to me. I believe in the good things coming!

I am blessed beyond measure for the love in my life. I would not be who or what I am without the love and support of Tamara.

The turbulence of his storm has pushed me and pulled me and slammed me and crushed me and Tamara has held me tight and close through it all, especially now, as an unsuspecting wave crashes over me again and again and again…

I was literally drowned, over and over and over and over again…being allowed up to gasp enough air and water into my little lungs, before I was submerged again and again and again…the nightmares of that lasted a lifetime and have returned, as of recent. A lot of memories and nightmares have returned, as of recent…a lot of sadness and hurt and despair and fear…some traumatic shit…some really, really sad and heartbreaking shit…that poor little girl…

And this is my launching pad back into my life!

I have set down the very last of the pack I was carrying as the scapegoat in my family, with a simple promise to myself…I will never pick this shit up again!

I love you and I forgive you and I forgive me and ask you forgiveness…and carry your own shit! All of it…you carry it, because I am tired as hell and I am done carrying other peoples shit…

I am off to great adventures! I am off to learn new things and to make new memories!

So, thank you…to anyone who has been the teacher of one of those harder lessons…blessings now abound!

I am hurt, and again, words elude me for this hurt…I cannot, at this time, speak of this hurt…

I will say that with hurt like this, I am off to get me some happy! With lows like this, I am ready for that Mother Fucking high!!! And so it is…I shall take some happy…some high on life…Some belly laughs and some great memories…if you still choose me…thank you! If you love me like a verb, thank you. Tamara, thank you.

I believe in the good things coming! Love, love, love…

And I blogged…

 

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