Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Oh,the places you’ll go…

I woke up feeling kind of disoriented this morning. My life is definitely taking new shape and so I feel a little disoriented.

I believe I am on the right path, that I have always been on the right path…unfamiliar and pretty steep and rocky in places…definitely my path.

Having been to visit the rainbow bridge several times in 2018 already, I know I am being called up for some big work. Having assisted in hundreds of euthanasia’s throughout my career…something tells me that this work will be different…that this work will be my work and not someone else’s work that I assist in…

I worked in a vets office for a while in the beginning of my career. I was supposed to be their Animal Massage Therapist and ended up helping them to temporarily fill a vet tech position also. As it turned out, it wasn’t temporary and my massage took a back seat to the vet tech work, for a couple of years.

The thing is, I was asked to do a favor, because they were super short staffed and I didn’t mind helping out. I learned a lot and I tried hard. In spite of this though, I was not treated at all well there.

Lots of eye rolling and sighs…lots of whispering behind my back…being there was always really uncomfortable, because I just never fit in. I didn’t go to school like they did and wasn’t actually a vet tech…I tried so hard and I just never belonged there. They were mean at times…a lot of times and I became so miserable there that I could not arrive at my last day there soon enough.

I got the distinct impression that they were as happy to see me go as I was to go. Oddly, bringing this up stings me a bit still…I can feel how that felt, all over again…the feeling of not being valued or wanted…the feeling of not belonging…trying to clean rooms and hold dogs for the techs and the veterinarians…and trying to hold myself together, every single fucking day, to make it to the end of the day…only to wake up to go and do the same thing all over again…

Fuck, that was a painful time in my life! Tamara first saw me there, many years ago and she has always said that I looked like a bouncer…arms crossed, locked stare and unshakable stance…angry looking and not to be fucked with…

Anyway, the other day, when I took Mosley in to walk him home, two of these techs that I speak of were at my clients vets office…and for a moment or two, I felt small and uncomfortable all over again…stupid and inadequate…and I could feel the giggling and the whispering and eye rolling, all over again…

As I held Mosley close to me, I shifted all of my focus to him and to this walk that he and I were taking together…the importance of his walk was more important than any of these feelings coming up for me…

Our tech was skilled and I remembered that from working with her…she is skilled at her job…and she does it well. Mosley needed that and I was actually glad to see her…glad that Mosley had her, for this most important moment.

The feeling was obviously not mutual…I felt that…and in that moment, I realized how I had always felt. How I felt, years ago, was validated, in those moments, as I was a paying client, carrying my client across the bridge…and how others must feel this way too…

This is not a time period in my life that I really like to revisit…this was a period of deep pain and deep loss for me…a time that was so instrumental in my career path and so excruciating in my personal life…

I learned so much during this time about so many things. I threw myself into rescue work and volunteering…I did tons of Pro Bono work…and worked as much as I could on my business, on the side…

Things got worse and eventually, they got even worse…I could not stand going in there every day…even after I left there, some of them still slandered me and talked shit about me…they defimated my character…and damaged my reputation in the community…

Horrible things have been said about me…absolutely horrible things…and I never really understood why…I still don’t understand why…Anyway, walking in with Mosley earlier this week…brought up some clear work for me to heal through…as I felt the way I felt, so many years ago…

I am going to visit this and heal this, one last time, and then it goes in the past, behind me, where it cannot hurt me ever again…

So, here it goes…what do I need to take from this…to own and be responsible for…to heal from…what is my work in this? How can I heal from this, so that the Lesson, which has clearly become many blessings for me…no longer hurts me?

I will start by saying that I probably wasn’t the best employee. I had some personal things going on…personal things that ended up being intertwined in my work…and I became unable to separate it all, to function through it all…

I tried my best. I really did. I worked any hours needed…any rescue needed…but I was off, wasn’t I? Yes, I was off…terrribly, terribly off…and I’m sure I wasn’t my best, even though I tried my best.

This job and he relationship I was in at this time in my life…all in active addiction…all in an effort to figure out who I was and where I belonged. I was sure that I had finally arrived home…that I was with my people…the prospect of all of it was so new and exciting and I had no idea then, exactly what I was walking into. I also had no way of knowing how painful and difficult and damaging it was going to be for me to walk back out…

I was damaged and I did some significant damage also. I was selfish in my decisions and I did not consider others…I was in relationship with someone who belonged to someone else…and any way you slice that…I was wrong…I fucked up and I hurt people. I did not hurt people on purpose, and yet, I own my part in the downfall of things. I no longer own all of it, as all of it is not mine…I do own my part, though…

I drank a lot, to handle all of this…to numb all of this…so I have no doubt of my responsibility in it all…

My soul dog…whom I loved from the highest and deepest place within me, came from this era…I chose my relationship, over him and he took a backseat…I neglected him because someone else became more important to me, than he was.

After I left this job and this relationship and came back home to him…we worked everything out and all was forgiven. I had missed him so much and felt terrible  for choosing someone else over him…he forgave me.

I found myself in another relationship, and again, in active addiction. I chose her over him.

Things finally completely fell out for me in this relationship. I moved her in, to save her and hopefully to save me also…from financial ruin, as another person contributing to the mortgage and the bills could save me…

Save me…she did not. In fact, she never paid a penny for anything…and getting her out was no easy task…financially bankrupt and emotionally fucking destroyed…she sexually assaulted my soul dog…and I had not known…

And then I knew…and I cannot even tell you how that fucking destroyed me…I could not un-know…and I threw her out…and my identity was stolen, credit cards, bank accounts…you name it, she accessed it…when she moved her things out, she took all things that she wanted, including much that was mine…

Having been sexually abused myself, and she knew my story, her sexually abusing my dog, sent me into a very bad place. I will say that, it is only by the grace of God that she is not dead…as I could have killed her, with my bare hands,  and thought absolutely nothing of it.

After I got her out of our home, again, my soul dog and I tried to mend things, to heal this…my heart was crushed. I had not protected him…this was my fault.

I finally realized that I owed him much more than I had been able to give him. I cannot even begin to tell you the agony and heartbreak…we even moved, away from where it happened. New beginnings, all the way around..to no avail…

I could not look at him without seeing what she had done to him, what I had inadvertently allowed, but not knowing it was happening to him. He was not the same and I was not the same and we could not be the same, ever again.

And so, I did what I had to do, for him…I surrendered him back to the rescue I got him from, just as I promised I would, when I adopted him. I didn’t tell his story, or what had happened to him, because I wanted him to have a new life and a fresh start…without any of this hanging over him…

The rescue took him back, with a very heartbreaking response letter that said how disappointed she was that I had given up my soul dog, for my new relationship…my new residence…how she lost all respect for me…and on and on…

I wanted him to be free from all of this, to not have this stigma on him…I wanted him to run free and begin again…and so, I took him back to the vet that I worked at, with all of his things…and I bid him farewell, so he could have the amazing life he deserves…

There is not one day that I don’t visit with him…that I don’t miss him…that I don’t want him back here with me…that my heart does not break, for the decision I felt I had to make…and yet, I know, in my heart, that I did right by him. Truly, that is all I need to know…

So, the point of this post…I guess it is to say that, on an extremely difficult day for me, walking my beloved client across the rainbow bridge…I ran into myself…my past, my hurts…my mistakes and failures…

All of the things that have been said about me since I left the job at the vets office years ago…all said behind my back because no one ever asked me, to my face, and I would have never told…

All of this came rushing back, as I felt the way I felt so many years ago…in a different vets office, doing my work, with my client…

I now get to do my work, without the scrutiny of people who don’t know me at all…in a place where I don’t fit in…and I don’t have to answer to anyone…

My work speaks for itself and I have clients who know my heart…my work and my passion…and I am good at what I do. I am home.

I just want to sit here in gratitude for a moment…as I would not be here now, doing the work that I do, had it not been for where I had been…

I am blessed and I believe in the good things coming!

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