Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

“Teach me one of them harder lessons…”

Today proved to be a bit challenging for me…as I battled some old demons, The problem with some of my old demons, is that they don’t really feel old at all…they feel very here and now…

I am finding new and different ways to cope…and some days, this is all very exhausting…for me and everyone around me, I imagine…for my Service Dog, Taos, and my partner, Tamara, in particular…

Feeling overwhelmed by so much loss and emotion…and seeing how this impacts the way I move in the world…feeling debilitated…and staying in motion…such a fucking dichotomy at times…

It occurred to me today that fear has perpetuated a lot of things in my life, that I do not wish to have in my life…at least, not in such large doses…Fear has perpetuated ego…Fear has opened the very gates of hell and unleashed its fury…

Ego…such an unnecessary place to be…so taught and so learned and passed down, generation after generation…Ego and fear…Fear and Ego…an ugly fucking mix for sure…

Driving home after clients today, jamming out to Nahko, with my Service dog in the back…doing some meditating and musical healing…I end up at a light, right next to someone who meant a great deal to me at one time…and I had a moment of fear…a moment of ego…

I do not drive the same car and I have a very dark window tint to prevent being seen and yet, somehow, I was sure she saw me…and I was afraid she saw me…she did not have kind words for me at all, the last time we had any contact…so I went places in my head, and I felt sad…for a moment, for no reason…because I allowed myself to believe, for a brief moment, that it fucking mattered either way…if she saw me…if she didn’t see me…

The very worst part of all of this…I do this to myself. I write a shitty fucking story…why?

What would a good story sound like? What would a good story feel like? I don’t know…I mean, as life would have it, I have been in pretty constant fear…for my whole life…and I’ve known nothing else, until very recently…except for writing fear-based stories, about people leaving and choosing someone else…stories with bad endings and painful chapters…with characters who have also been writing fear-based stories…

I think in writing my own stories now…I really just want love…love for everyone in my story…and love for me, in my story…so odd…that sounds like a lot to ask and not so much to want…Just for love…for everyone whose life has touched mine, in any way…just love…

Anyway…those were some of my thoughts and feelings today…and I’ve had these thoughts and feelings before…I don’t know how I occurred in so many situations.

I think, I thought, I was Love…I know that I have always wanted to be love…to be loved…really loved, like the skin horse in The Velveteen Rabbit…like our friends kid, loved out loud, all the time…fucking awesome love, like that…

I want my story to have the kind of love that says…hey, you are home. I want my story to have the kind of love that says that I fucked up, and you still, truly, love me just the same. I want unconditional in my story, where love is always unconditional. I want forgiveness, true and heartfelt forgiveness, for me, and for you…I want all of these things for you…for all of you…I believe in the good things coming and I am so blessed by the good things already here!

My story has lacked the forgiveness of myself, for not knowing what I didn’t know, until I knew it…for human error and bad decisions…for angry words and ultimatums…for insecurities and poor judgement…for straight the fuck up, fucking up…

Some rambling thoughts for sure…bumbling around in my mind and finding their way out my fingertips…touching on my heart strings and allowing me some amazing space in gratitude tonight…

I am not perfect and I am better than I was yesterday…tomorrow, I will be better than I was today…

Feeling gratitude for Taos today, as we walked through some really, really hard and scary stuff together…I do not have words for how much I love Taos. I know that she has been given a heavy load, being the Service Dog of such a hot fucking mess as myself…and I am fucking blessed to be so loved and so forgiven and so looked after…thank you Baby Taos…I love you my little buddy…

And for todays hard fucking lessons…thank you. I already feel the blessings in the ability to feel the release that is coming in mid-fall…and I stopped for hugs on my way home…how beautiful it is to be able to get hugs, real and heart pumping, love transferring hugs…anytime I need them…yep, this girl is flawed as fuck and blessed beyond measure…

I hope you are all writing some amazing stories, with some amazing love, in overflowing doses…so blessed…so very, very blessed…

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