Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I am loved…and I am grateful…

I feel much better after getting some much needed love and hugs…and the most thoughtful and amazing gift, from our trip to Denver…

I am in a very difficult and painful place and I am so blessed to really be feeling what it feels like to be loved through it.

Tamara and her family have taken me in as one of their own and our chosen family is amazing! So, so much love…so much love…

So, on this evening, I sit in gratitude…because leaving here earlier, feeling very unseen…unimportant…unheard…feeling small and insignificant…well, it was a bit much for my heart today, because I had such very high hopes for something different…and I am so very disappointed…

I am painfully aware that this is my doing…I am the one with high hopes and I am the one disappointed…

The very good news is…I am still okay. I feel pretty busted up…and this one is going to hurt me for a while. This has changed me, changed things that cannot ever change back…to paraphrase a quote that I am very fond of…

”See that plate…throw it against the wall. Now try to put it back the way it was…”

Broken is fucking broken…and shit is broken…and it will never be the same…and in my ignorance, that is my pain…in this moment…the pain of what was, and will never be again…

And this break…these cracks…this is to be the place where the most amazing light enters me…and this is how I will illuminate the world…through the busted ass cracks…illuminated from the inside, by the amazing love, that is my life…

I am on an amazing fucking journey and anyone who wants to come is more than welcome to come along! If you want to be here…by all means, be here. Be here now…be present,  when you ask me to be with you, or please don’t ask me to be with you…

I no longer have time for anyone who does not want to share space with me, as badly as I want to share space with them…I just don’t.

I have always made time, even when I felt like the fucking imposter, after being summoned…and now I’m not sure why I did that, but I’ll not be doing it henceforth.

My time is valuable and I am valuable and if I’m not of value to you…no problem…Peace the fuck out…we are still good…and we don’t need to spend time together, and make it so we are not good…

Obligatory relationships of any kind, never work out, do they? I mean, maybe for a while, and eventually, under no obligation, we all do what the fuck we are going to do anyway, don’t we?

From what I have experienced in my life so far, I have stayed way past my welcome…way past where it felt good and way past blissful and happy…and I don’t want to do that anymore, because it just feels shitty…and I am tired to fucking death of feeling shitty…

All of this is old shit…these feelings…the intensity of this pain…very child like pain, inconsolable and maybe even unreasonable, at times…and maybe not even real at all…and yet, to me, it is real, right now…

Maybe it’s fucking kindergarten…and it’s being left behind…not being chosen…being laughed at…or worse, being completely ignored…or maybe it’s middle school…and you aren’t dressed right…you aren’t like us…you’re stupid…you’re ugly…or maybe even high school…and you’re not like us and we don’t like you…don’t stand by us…I like her more…I don’t like you…

From wherever it came…it is real to me…and it still hurts…kindergarten to present…not being chosen…someone else took something that was ours…

And the answer…nothing is ours…we came here alone and we are leaving here alone. Every single one of us….and no one escapes that reality…so thank you for the reminder universe…I hear you and I ant thankful…

I am love and I am loved. I come here to write… to get it all out…to heal…to go out there and embrace all of the good things coming!!!!

Have a beautiful and restful night…and in case no one told you already today…you are beautiful and I love you! Thank you for reading my blog!

write to heal myself and to get these thoughts and feelings, conflicts and hurts…out of me. I intend no harm by doing so and I send everything back to the universe, to be recycled for the highest good of all involved…that only love and healing, forgiveness and peace may exist here…Blessed be the journey for us all and may we only exist in our highest place in one another’s lives…Peace be the journey…love, love, love…always love…

 

I am usually all peace, love and a little go fuck yourself…in this moment, however….

I want to talk about some gut-wrenching hurt today. I am talking about the kind of hurt that makes it difficult to ingest anything, other than liquid…the kind of hurt that takes your air and renders you broken and speechless, crying like a child in public, while trying to hide in the corner…

I am usually all peace, love and a little go fuck yourself…on this day, the scale has tipped and I am way heavy on the go fuck yourself, scrambling around trying to breathe in…some peace, while drowning myself in Nahko Medicine, as I type…

“mouthing off…such aggressive behavior…I’m sounding off .holding my temper …it comes in waves…my enemies swim close to me. My hearts displaced. I cannot swallow. I am all over the place. My spirit bellows…I am on my way… my body follows…written on my face  do not follow me…”

And now is a good time,if you are so inclined, to flood me with some love…because as strong as I am, I could lots of love…

Letting go of the “whys”…that is some hard shit for me and in this moment…I am at epic failure status…because I really would like to know why…

And as for saying no…I have said no and I mean it…and I am not being heard…I am not being honored…

And then there is the pause…and so I paused and asked for a moment, and the answer is no…

This is not how I understood this…that I said no…you ignore me…and then I ask for pause and you give me a deadline…which means your answer is no…

So…I shall breathe…before my head spins off of my fucking shoulders…

“i pray for guidance…now teach me to use it…I pray for guidance now give me the music”

Off for some more of this fabulous musical Medicine…breathing again…off to get some hugs and spread some love, love,  love…

Off to spread love to people who want to receive my love…to receive me…to know me and to hear me…and that is where I will be…where I feel wanted…where I feel loved and accepted…where “no” is answer enough, all by itself…and where “I’m not ready”…isn’t pushed past, like it doesn’t matter, because it does matter…

It matters to me….and because it matters to me…that is enough. I said “no” and whether you heard me or not, that is my final answer…and I need time means just that…I need some time and space…

You made your decisions and I am making my decisions and I need a quick fucking minute…I am going to insist on a fucking minute…

This is when PTSD complicates my fucking life…I need breath, and yet, I cannot breathe. I need space and room and to not feel cornered…and I am boxed the fuck in…

And this completes my go fuck yourself and a little peace and always love post…just thought some of you could relate and may want to know you are not alone…

I write to heal myself and to get these thoughts and feelings, conflicts and hurts…out of me. I intend no harm by doing so and I send everything back to the universe, to be recycled for the highest good of all involved…that only love and healing, forgiveness and peace may exist here…Blessed be the journey for us all and may we only exist in our highest place in one another’s lives…Peace be the journey…love, love, love…always love…