Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I don’t want to adult today…

Good morning everyone! I hope your morning started better than mine, on this day…mine started with chest crushing pain, shortness of breath and helplessness…floods of tears and insecurity…

I have a situation in my life right now, that is causing me the most anxiety. I am hurt and feeling helpless…I am losing sleep, I can’t eat and feel like I am coming undone at the seams.

I thought that my Mom dying would be the most painful thing that I would ever endure. In fact, I think I gave myself hope, believing that I would never hurt that way again…and I am not hurting that way…I am hurting in ways I could never have imagined, at the hands of someone that I have hardly ever minced words with, been angry or hurt or sad with…

Never raised voices or angry words…never insensitivity and complete fucking absence…never have I felt any deception or deceit…nor any untruth or false pretense, from this place, until now and that is all I can feel.

Having been diagnosed with Complex PTSD explains a lot about me…who I am, where I have been. I just ordered a book, highly recommended by my therapist.

Actually, I have had ordering this book, on my list of things to do, for a while now. I just paused my writing and went and ordered it just now…I will let you know what I think after I read it…

Complex PTSD, from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Complex had never been in front of my PTSD diagnosis…and I was scared when I heard that word in front, like it was somehow worse…and somehow, for me, right now, it feels worse…

I am starting to breathe again, to come down a bit…I am allowing myself to realize and accept that I am strong and I am powerful and I have whatever I need inside me, for this conversation. I’ve got this.

And, my girl just called and sang me a little song to cheer me up and to remind me that I am okay and I’ve got this…I am so blessed..

I think, for me, C-PTSD is like being in a hamster wheel..the fucking wheel is spinning out of control and it won’t stop…in fact, it keeps going faster and faster and I can’t get off…I can’t slow it down and I can’t make it stop…and the worst part of it all…I am the one driving!!!!

Fucking insane…and after a lifetime, I finally know what it is and that it is…Now, I am learning more how to feel it coming and how to, at least slow it down…How to not be completely run over by it…and engulfed by it…

I have been in pretty constant prayer and meditation for a couple of days, since I asked for this meeting. I have been praying that I can adult well today, that I can articulate my thoughts and express my feelings…and all from heart center…

I pray for self confidence and self assurance. I pray for my words to be clear and kind and received, as they are intended. I pray for clarity and for humility. I pray that I may be open to hearing and listening, and that I respond in compassion and kindness, in all things.

I pray for our commonality to bring us into common and familiar and comfortable space, so that we may both express our hearts and be heard and validated. I pray for peace. I pray for compassion. I pray for love, always love.

I pray that I will ask for what I need and that it will be provided, without issue, without discomfort and without losing anything…that my voice will be clear and strong and not shaking and trembling…that inside, I won’t be screaming, but rather that I will be calm and assured and steadfast…

I open my heart to be present and compassionate and kind and humble. I allow my highest self to come forward and meet with the highest self of the person I will be sitting across from…that only our highest good, represent itself and be represented at this meeting.

I pray to see you and hear you with the innocence of a child. I pray to feel your heart and your intentions and to react, as a loving and kind and compassionate adult, rather than as a melting down child, in the throws of a colossal break.

I pray for peaceful, for us both, for I have loved you, for all of my life. I have looked up to you and admired you and you have been my hero…I have molded so much of who I have wanted to be, into who you are.

I have always wanted to be like you…to dress like you and walk like you…I have told anyone I have ever loved deeply, how much I love you and admire and respect you…

Being here today…Feeling this way…it would be okay, if it were anyone else that I was meeting today…anyone but you.

Anyone else, I could walk away from and not return…Anyone else I can stand here and know that they will not return, but you…you have always been home…and this is taking a lot more to walk away from…a lot more displacement and confusion and sadness…

My displacement since my Mom got sick has been painful and unsettling…and I have been horrified and devastated through it all. I did the best I could do, in a situation that I could never have prepared for…that there was no guidance for…

I stammered and struggled and crashed and fell and cried and thrashed and wept…and every day, I kept going, the best I could…and every day, I wake up without her…and I jump in my hamster wheel and off we go…fucking insanity…every fucking day, for almost two years…

The thing is, I want something more. I want something real and true and honest…whatever it is, just let it be fucking real and true and honest.

Anyone who knows me well, knows my struggle and little pieces of my story. Many of you are in the pages, the chapters of my life’s book…and I am so thankful for every single person and every experience that has graced my pages with your very presence…thank you…truly, thank you for sharing this crazy ride with me…

If you are still here…if you just got here…let’s put on our fucking seatbelts…because this ride is just beginning! Keep your arms inside the cabin and buckle up…we are off to amazing places, beautiful scenery and a new awareness…

As for me, on this ride, unlike rides I have been on in the past…I am keeping my eyes opened and my arms waving high above my head, as we go down the steepest and scariest part of this ride.

I am going to scream my fucking head off all the way down, watching the whole way, as my stomach drops at the decent…and I let go of any expectation, as I let go of any fear…as I toss my insecurities out the side of the car, along with any inadequacies and feelings of not being good enough…

As my heart rate increases and we climb the tallest and slowest track, coming ever so slowly over the threshold, before the rapid descent and the release that comes in mid-fall…I say another prayer…the prayer of all prayers…God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference…

I take a moment now to release all that does not serve my highest good…to recycle all things not needed and not for my highest good, back into the universe, to be repurposed and returned for the greatest and highest good of us all…

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