Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I love you Coral…

Good morning! I have had a treacherous 24 hours…and I am mentally exhausted and spiritually ready to take MY path and to begin the next leg of my journey…

I am finding that I have always been told who I should be…how I should do things…who I am…how I feel…and I appreciate everyone’s input…and I’ve got it from here…thank you for helping me to get here. Truly, this journey has been quite a fucking ride so far…thanks for hanging in here with me.

I am going to take all of the time I need to sort this all out…who I’m said to be, vs. who I really am…because after all of these years, some days it gets a little confusing.

I took a long, hot shower this morning, to just wash it all away. I just stood there as the water came down and the steam rose up and I visualized, everything that no longer serves me, swirling down into the drain…

Memories and feelings and negative and selfish thoughts…tears and anguish and frustration…misunderstandings and failures…I watched all of them racing toward the drain holes, to be released…to be freed and recycled and repurposed…

The visualization of washing away, all that no longer serves me, cleared some much needed head space…and opens up my perviously congested and claustrophobic heart space…

As I maneuver myself around and gently pull on my limbs, to get them out of this box, that I have been placed in, for my whole life…I see what looks like a leg and I pull it free and shake it a bit. No sensation at first, and then the prickly of a sleeping foot…as my limp and lifeless leg comes back to life…and then I see, what appears to be an arm…and so I pull on it with my free hand…and I shake it gently to wake it up…and on to be other leg and now to try to find the heart in this cluttered box…

Initially, I can’t find the heart at all. I hear the faint beating and I am desperately trying to uncover it before it ceases to beat at all…to no avail…maybe the heart got out already…no…no wait…here it is…locked and closed in another box…I faintly hear the beating and I can feel some small rhythm coming from the small box in my hand…

What the fuck? How did this happen and where is the key to free my heart? This is insane…none of the pieces in this box are where they belong…none of this makes any fucking sense…

Immovable  limbs and A heart locked in a box with no key…is this some kind of sick fucking joke?

My hands have been rubbing together and clasping each other to get warm and to find movement again…and how amazing! All ten digits…working and ready to go…

Come on hands…lets get our legs free from this confinement…pull a little harder  and to the left and help me get this twisted ankle out of here..

I lived a large portion of my life in a closet, until I came out when I was 16 years old. I remember how scary and blinding the light was, when I first emerged from behind that door. The closet was dark and stale and it was all I knew, so coming out of there, into the light, for the first time…well it was pretty fucking scary…

I was not received well, when I emerged from the closet, and so for many more years, I came in and out. I came out as I mustered enough courage and bravery and I went right back in every time someone else told me who I was…who I wasn’t…how I felt…how I should or should not feel…

This Box has a lot of those same feelings, as the closet…the feeling that I do not belong in the confines of the darkness…I cannot continue to exist in this numb and void space, in the confines of these walls…

I have done my time here and it is time to pull myself up…get myself together…dust myself off…shake it all off…and create my world and my space in this world…

My new world, wide open, I am running like my ass is on fire, into nature…where there are no walls, no ceilings,  no floor and no locked doors…

I dig around a bit more and still cannot find the key to the box with my faintly beating heart in it. I am worried because the heartbeat just keeps fading and getting lighter…what if I don’t get there in time?

My hands are working nicely and I use them to dig through some pockets…no key in here…just looks to be some crumpled up old papers…papers that look like letters, signed by me…

As I begin to gently unfold the paper, to see what is written on it, I can only make out a few words…and there are a lot of words that are streaked and water damaged from all of the tears, throughout the years…

The words I can make out say…”I love you Coral”…no comma, and my writing…so it’s not “I love you, Coral”…my writing  actually says, I love you Coral…and as I read it out loud, I realized, this may be the first time I have ever said that out loud…I love you Coral…

Wow, I am going to say that again, a few more times…that feels kind of good…I love you Coral…

I reach up to feel my face and to touch my hair…I actually have some hair…

I am dressed in layers, almost always…and under my sweater, I find a chain around my neck, with Taos’ dog tags, my Mom’s necklaces and one more with a small key on the end…

Holy shit!!!! This is it!!!! The key to the box that holds my heart…my hands are fumbling and I am nervous and excited and scared…all at the same time…as I place the key into the keyhole…and it fits!!!!!

I turn the key, every so gently, as to not break it off in the lock…and i open the box slowly…as I open the lid, my heart starts beating faster and starts coming back to life…I sit and just stare, for a few moments…in awe and disbelief…I am alive and my heart is beating…

Ever so gently, I pick my heart up, with my newfound hands…and I place it back in my chest, right where it belongs…and now, it’s really ticking…and I can feel it, vibrating and getting its rhythm back…

It feels like a lifetime since my heart was where it belongs…and it is going to take me a quick minute, to get back up, off of my knees, where I fell to the ground, many years ago…

None of that matters right now…nothing matters at all, except that I am alive. I am breathing and my heart is beating in sync with me again…I survive…

And I say a prayer, from my knees, and it goes like this…..

Thank you. I love you. I’m sorry. I forgive you.

2 thoughts on “I love you Coral…

  1. And in that moment you were freed!❤️
    I love my sister! You’ve got this, keep loving Coral!
    She’s the most amazing Coral I know!😘

    Like

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