Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Let us grow our gardens…while listening to our music…

Such strange sleep last night…dreams of things I cannot process while I am awake. I feel so exhausted that what I was hoping for was some good and uninterrupted sleep. Instead, I feel like I’ve been working all fucking night.

To make the situation more unsettling, for me, I worked all night on shit that I don’t want to look at.

I don’t know if you have ever had someone in your life that you have known a certain way, for as long as you have known them, and suddenly, without warning, they are someone else…it is all very hurtful and unsettling for me.

I don’t want to spend too much time In this hurtful place. I will stay here long enough to see what there is for me to see, to learn what I need to learn…and to put some serious distance between myself and what does not align with me…to put some buffer between me and what hurts me.

I feel almost like I’ve been marching to someone else’s fucking drum. This is not my rhythm and this is not my beat…this tempo is way too fucking fast and the chorus drowns out everything else, so I Am missing the deep and meaningful content of the lyric. I cannot make out the words, but I will tell you that the words are drowned out by the ridiculously increasing tempo, the unsteady beat…There is no honor beat here….

Music has always been life for me. For my entire life, I have spent hours and hours and hours with music that I could not spend with anyone else. I had never heard of musical Medicine, until last year…and I will say that I believe that it has been one of the things that saved me…is healing me and opening me up. Music is life for me.

I played piano and I played trumpet and I hear those instruments come to life and dance around…like I have never experienced before…such beautiful pitches of healing and such amazing balance and healing tones and vibrations… such wisdom and encouragement in the lyric…music is life for me. I can feel my fingers dancing, like I’m actually playing and contributing…

I have never been able to dance…never. I have tried, with copious amounts of alcohol…and still, to no avail.

I love music and yet I have never felt the music…not enough to open me from the inside out…not enough to bust me wide open, so that I could finally be free. The confines that have held me have been stronger than my spirits need to soar…and that is all changing now…I feel that.

Music is paving the way for me, as I figure out how to get myself dressed and ready for the world…in my new clothes…the clothes of a warrior…beautiful and bright clothes, with messages of hope and inspiration…

I received the first pieces of my new ensemble yesterday, in the mail, from one of my closest and dearest and oldest  friends, who said “to be knotworthy is loved”…and I feel that…I felt amazing when I pulled the hat over my little bean and wrapped the scarf around my neck, with some help from my girl. I felt so loved and so seen…I felt beautiful and radiant from the inside..thank you Sigrid! I love you!

I have no idea who reads my blog…I have been so mindful to not concern myself with that, so that I can just write, without worrying who is reading…I do know that Sigrid is following my blog, because the read my post about receiving actual snail mail…she heard my cries and answered with this beautiful gift, from her heart, to help to jumpstart my heart again, in my mailbox…how fucking beautiful is that?

Tamara balances my very non-existent comprende of fashion sense, only when absolutely necessary, so that I do not get hauled in by The fashion police…because truly, I just want to be comfortable and I haven’t given much of a fuck about how I look…

I haven’t really looked at myself too much in a really long time. I get dressed and I try to look decent, on most days. I throw a hat over it, if it can’t be fixed, on almost all days…as I haven’t had hair in so long, that having hair is new to me…

My clients don’t care what I look like, they all love me just the same. Maybe I should care what I look like, a bit more though.

Ooooh…I just said I should….then maybe I shouldn’t….This should and should not thing fucks with me a lot…how many fucking rules are there? Rules about should and should not…that I inflict upon myself daily…I bet you do too, don’t you?

I want to…..I really want to….but I should do this instead….

Fuck!!!!! What a fucking mind fuck!!!! How in the hell did I get here? What do I really want to do? Who am I, really? How do I really feel? How do I want to look?

Well, stay tuned, because that is why I am here, writing this all down, to figure all of that out…MY journey begins here…and hey, thank you for being here with me…I really am glad that you are here with me…

Every journey begins with a single step…and these baby steps are some huge ass stumbling blocks…my knees are bruised and cut and sore, from tripping and stumbling and falling, again and again, every time I try to walk…

I am learning, for right now…Coral, just stay on your fucking knees…crawl a little bit longer…for now, though, stay close to the ground. Right now is not the time to walk…Now is definitely not the time to run…stay low to grow my friend…stay low to grow….

So, I am going to take this pile of shit that I woke up in and I am going to take it over here to my compost bin, so that it may be recycled and repurposed into the most amazing fertilizer…

I have been composting my entire life, in this compost bin, right here…just waiting for the day, for my fertilizer to finally be ready…and friends, I think it is almost ready.

I have only the finest ingredients in my fertilizer. This process has taken 44 years, of hard fucking time, sweat and tears and labor.

Over the years, I have really come up with some key ingredients, some limited ingredients…mostly, though, the ingredients in this fertilizer, are no different than the ingredients in your fertilizer.

My fertilizer…your fertilizer…all of the years and the sweat and the tears…we all have that…the key is in cultivating…how and when so we do this?

We do it right now and we do it together…how we do it? We do it together…every step of the way, and one step at a time…and when do we do it? We do it right now!!!

There is no better time, than right now, to begin traveling my path. There is no better fertilizer for my garden, than my own fertilizer…fertilizer that I have spent my whole life making, so that it will be ready for my garden…when I am ready to plant…

I am fucking ready! I am ready!

I have my music. I have my gardening tools. I have me…my own master gardener…and some fabulous new threads on my head and draped around my neck…and hey, I see you across the way, with your gardening tools…and you look fucking fabulous!!! I will turn my music up for you, just as someone did for me, until you can hear your own…

I love you…I truly do…now let’s go and clear some space for all of the good things coming our way…

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: