Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Some observations as I come back to life…

As I begin to walk back into my life…as I emerge anew…the world looks and feels different to me…

Surreal and intangible is the place I’ve been residing in…like a vortex and very hard to pull myself out of…an undercurrent comes and pulls at me from underneath me…And I refuse to let it pull me under…at least not today…

Twelve-stepping through life…one day at a time…and I am so thankful to be past one second, one minute, one hour…of barely surviving…the days are looking brighter and I am so grateful!

I know a lot of you have followed this storm for the past couple of years on Facebook…where I shared our journey, from my Moms diagnosis, to present…and I just want to say thank you…I feel you and I appreciate you. Thank you  Thank you. Thank you.

I know people close to me, who have lost their companion, closest to them recently…and I feel you…and I am so sorry…I am so very, very sorry for your heart…and I know that my sorry, doesn’t help the huge crack that just split through your heart…and still…I am feeling you and I am sorry that you are hurting…

I got lots of advice…and all of it was over my head, out of my reach…most of it didn’t make much sense to me…I lived in a very confused and unreachable place…grief had set in and grief had taken over…and I was sure, many times, that I would never get out…

I have recently set up a drawer system, to help me to put things aside, until I am able to deal with them…because everything flying at me, all at once, it has been really debilitating.

Death can surely bring out the ugly in people…and the things you never even imagined you would ever see, you will see…and you won’t want to see it and you will cover your eyes and scream to mute the insanity…and you will still feel the ugly…

In the beginning, everyone will show up and surround you…culturally, that is how we do it…and then everyone leaves,and this is where some people will exit permanently…and you will feel so alone…so alone…and the good news is that you are not alone really…

As I re-emerge, I realize that many people have fallen away, or maybe I pushed them away…at any rate, my load is much lighter now…and your load will be lighter too.

You will realize, as I am realizing now, that those who are meant to, will still be here, with arms wide open, to receive you, just as you are…

Those who are not meant to stay and those that you push away…some of them will stay gone, and you must not be discouraged, as I was…because the people who stepped away, for whatever reason, they cleared space for people who really, really want to be here…

I won’t lie…this hurt me deeply…like to my fucking core…excruciating to feel that the people I can’t reach anymore, are the people who I shared the biggest part of myself with…my life, my time…my story…my love and my trust..gone…and did I say myself?

I shared myself and my journey…I was filleted wide opened…I was in my most vulnerable place, ever…and some people took take advantage of that…

In life and in death…people are people and hurt people hurt people. I have been a hurt people, hurting the people that I didn’t want to hurt…I didn’t mean to and I know I have hurt people, people who needed and wanted more from me…I am deeply sorry for any hurt I caused…all consumed in my own hurt, I hurt people…and I am sorry…

We are all just walking each other home and we are all going to fuck up…every single one of us is going to make some mistakes. Some of our mistakes will cost us more than others…and I have had some pretty huge price tags on some of my fuck ups…

For me, trust is the most important thing…if I can trust you, we can work almost anything out. The moment that I can’t trust you, I completely lose my way. I also completely lose my mind…when shit does not add up, my mind grabs that and computes and recounts and adds and subtracts, until it makes sense, until it’s righted…and when it’s not righted, when it won’t add up, I can’t stay in that space…I won’t stay…I have learned, that for me, if there is no trust, there is nothing else…and I won’t stay, if I can’t trust you…

This works both ways for me…and I won’t stay if you can’t trust me either…the discomfort and the guilt of being dishonest…almost worse than being lied to, is me lying…and the few times I have done it, I have almost completely self-destructed, before coming clean or being caught…I cannot live in what is not true and real…I have never been able to be where things are secretive, hidden or when I am told to not say anything to anyone…

Did you know that asking someone to keep something secret for you, can actually be very damaging to that person too? We do not need to hold stuff like that and I won’t anymore…If you tell me something in confidence, I will keep your confidence…I will, however, not do this if it is going to harm me or anyone else, and I will say so…and I don’t do secrets…secrets and don’t tell So and so…that is what allowed years and years and years of perpetual abuse…and I won’t hold space for that, for anyone, ever again…I also don’t ask people to hold that kind of space for me…

Every day, we learn and every day, we have a choice…and if we have made a bad choice, there is always today to make it right…or to accept the consequences of our actions…either way, for me, I will always ask you for the truth, because I need that. If you cannot or will not give me the truth, I will have to keep a distance from you, to keep me safe.

Learning to set boundaries is very new for me, so I am practicing…I am learning that it is okay, if I don’t want to be somewhere, to not be somewhere…and I never knew that, until recently…I mean, I never REALLY knew that…

You may want to know that too…if you don’t already…your life…your rules…and if you have surrounded yourself by people who cannot honor who you are and care deeply about you and what you want and what you need, hey, those aren’t your people…

I had to disappear for a bit, to find my way, after I lost my guide…literally, I lost the person who guided me, from the day I was conceived, until the day she died…and I was not only lost, I was also pretty nearly destroyed by it…

I am happy to say that I was not destroyed by the death of my Mom. I was not destroyed by the horrific abuse inflicted upon me, year after year, after year, for the first eighteen years of my life. I will not be destroyed by the things that hurting me deeply right now…I survive…