Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

No Coral left behind…

Good morning! Just came in from watching the moon with my girl…and I have something on my mind…

I don’t even know if I have adequate words for it, as I think it is mostly how I feel inside, every time a certain thing happens…not really tangible and yet taxing on my emotional well being…

So, here I go…have you ever had the experience of feeling really close to someone…like all is well, and then all is not well, just like that? No warning and no reason given…just Bam! It’s different…and it will never be the same again…

For me, panic sets in and my mind starts spinning out of control, I to try to fix it and figure out what I did to cause it…and most importantly…I want to make it fucking stop, because it really, really hurts me…

I am in such a situation, with someone that I love deeply, and for my entire life…and it fucking hurts and it won’t stop…

My initial thought was to talk…to sit down and try to figure out what happened, so we can get things back the way they were…and that did not work, because there was nothing there, but anger and argumentative dialog, about everything …and things will never be the way things were again…and my heart fucking broke…

My heart broke, like I could not catch my breath…I could not walk…I could not stop crying and the primal cry, from the depths of my very soul…and nothing changed it…because you were already gone…and way before the conversation…

As I had been sitting quietly and gently holding space for you, you were packing up my bags for me. While I was trying my hardest, to find the right words, to make us work again, you were ushering me out the door, to prepare a space for someone else…and the worst part is, you never came with it…you knew what you were doing. I knew, because that it is who I am…intuitive, empathic…I knew deep inside what you were doing, as you were doing it and I inquired many times, because things started not adding up…

You dismissed me, with more and more venom in your eyes and anguish pouring over your face each…with more and more shortness and agitation in your voice…and I struggled to hang on. Dangling by the tiniest thread, sewn out of my own pathetic need for you to love me, like I thought you loved me…my need for you to love me as deeply as I have always loved you…

I grasp at straws trying to find a sturdy one that I can climb up and get some fucking air…so I can breathe and rest…

These pathetic displays and demonstrations of mine, over a lifetime, to hold on to people who have already turned their backs and begun walking away from me…they are a thing of the past for me…I will not pass this way again…

I don’t want anyone in my life, who does not want to be in my life, as badly as I want to be in theirs. I cannot even articulate the pain of chasing trains that are leaving the fucking station, without me on board…

I have made some decisions in my life, that have hurt others. I have been inconsiderate and less than kind, as I boarded that  train myself…off to bigger and better and new things…not even glancing to look back…

I thought that maybe if I recounted why I did that in my past, I might be able to understand why you are doing it now…and I don’t…I don’t know and you won’t tell me…

Have you ever tried to ask a question  hundreds of different ways, to get an answer that has more than one word in it? I have done this my whole life, battling against hand after hand after hand of the silent treatment…and it never fucking worked…and it doesn’t work now, with you either, because you are already gone.

As I stand here, by myself, with my bags all packed and ready to go ( and thank you for doing that by the way…just to let you know though, these are not my bags and these are not my things. You must have gotten me and my things mixed up with the other people that you have tossed out to the side to begin your new adventure).

So as I turn to walk away, I leave my bags and all of my baggage, right where you left them for me…and I turn around one last time, to watch you walk away from me…I must have turned too slowly, because you are already long gone…

I let out one last primal cry, from the depths of my soul, for what I just lost…for what can never be replaced…for that which will never return…

I know what I just lost. I know who you are, deep, deep down in your soul…I know you and I love you. I will always, always love you. I will always cherish the time that we did share, journeying side by side and hand in hand. I will always keep your secrets safe and our memories sacred and I will love you, for always…at a distance…as you have requested…

I woke up with a hurt heart this morning…a heart that doesn’t understand…a heart that wants you back…that aches and cries because you chose to be somewhere else, without even telling me first…

And this is my work…to find the courage to accept the things I cannot change…the serenity to change the things I can…and what I often greatly lack…the wisdom to know the difference…

I know it sounds very Dolly Parton, but I will always love you..and that is my choice…and I am okay with that…

For all that I am not, there is much that I am, and for all that you are not, there is much that you are…and for us all, Peace be the journey…

Im sending all of this back to the universe, to be recycled and returned for the highest and greatest good of us all…I believe in the good things coming and I am beyond grateful for the amazing things already here!