Good morning! I hope everyone is doing well this morning. I am doing well this morning, because I refuse not to be well this morning. Today, it is just going to have to be that simple, because my little heart has called In, exhausted, and is taking a much needed and earned, day off.
I guess carrying my heart around on my sleeve for my whole life has worn her out a bit. I never really noticed that she has been doing all of the work. I haven’t distributed work loads very well and my heart has really taken a beating and worked way too much overtime. I do believe that she needs some rest and reprieve, and she doesn’t know it yet, but I’ve plans for her to get some time off, or at least some time down.
I was looking at the poor girl yesterday and she is fucking worn down…just beat the fuck down. I feel badly for not realizing how bad off she was sooner. I guess it is better late than never, to finally be getting her some help.
Having lived my whole life heart forward, I’m trying to figure out what other options there are. None of the other options have ever really appealed to me, and yet, this heart forward thing isn’t working anymore either.
I could never do heartless, and I cannot imagine that there is a whole lot of middle ground. I mean, either you are in, or you’re out…right?
My heart has definitely been my guide in all things. Sadly, in many matters of the heart, I have not taken my brain with me at all. My heart went full speed ahead, while my brain was flashing danger lights and sirens, not to be heard or heeded by my heart…my heart who knew best, and then ended up broken and fragmented all over the fucking place.
My heart does know best…she has that nailed down, after all of these years. I trust her implicitly and I know the value of her wisdom and her experience. I guess I just want to give her a little break, so that she can rest and reset a bit.
I know she would love to be on the front line for the battle that faces us and Sam would love to be driving…and I am going to have to say no on both counts…I will have Sam belted safely in the backseat with Taos and my heart I and will be driving for the upcoming battle.
I went rock climbing yesterday, for the first time. We went to Stone Age Climbing Gym. When we first walked in, I will admit, I was very intimidated. The wall was so high and looked treacherous and the safety equipment seemed kind of inadequate to me…a fall like that would surely need more than rope and a couple of clips…
We all walked in and looked up, got out gear on and off we went…and what an amazing day we had! I am sure we all had our own fears and inhibitions going in, that were somewhat reduced walking out…and I am grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I know that for me, climbing straight up a wall with little tiny nubs on it, trying to find a larger nub to grab to keep going upwards, felt a lot like my life…
Getting to the top…that has not so much been how my life has felt and that part was exhilarating and leaves me wanting more of that view, more of that rush, more of that feeling of accomplishment…more of the satisfaction that I did it all by myself! (Tamara was watching closely over me…I could feel her, and that felt so amazing…and I know it helped me to keep going when I thought I couldn’t go any higher).
Once I got to the top, and realized that I actually made it, all by myself, I freaked the fuck out a bit…how in the fuck do I get down now?
Tamara said…”you just let go”…what the fuck does that even mean?! Just let go? And from all the way up here, on a rope, with a mat…just let go…FUCK!!!!
And I did, for the first time since zip-lining…I just let go…and when I did, I came banging and crashing down the wall and slammed into the mat…and I just laid there, looking up…and I started to laugh…
Tamara came over and we laughed together and she said, “you did it”, and in that moment, I realized that I did do it…I really did do it! After that, I did it again and again and again…and I was tired and my arms and hands were fatigued and sore…and I was content…
I said to myself, in that moment, I am going to get me some more of this feeling…
Dinner reservations for tonight and Valentines Reservations already made…and I am going to start giving my poor heart some time off and go enjoy the shit out of my life!
Everything that hurts me pales in comparison to all the love around me…love that chose me and love that still chooses me, every single day…Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The relief and release that come in mid-fall, can only come in mid-fall…and allowing it to finally come is giving me hope and strength for my journey.
Thank you Tamara, for spotting me yesterday and for spotting me in life, where there are no ropes, no tie offs and no mats…thank you for having me and for knowing that I have you too! I love you to he moon and back. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.