Good morning! I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day yesterday! I had a beautiful day with Tamara, filled with love and things we love to do together!
I have pretty much decided that I will live my life in such a way that every day is filled with love and with people who love me like a verb and nourish me and lift me up. Every day shall be Valentines day in Coral land…and so it is…
I retreated into myself when my Mom died and I couldn’t be in the world very much at all. As I re-emerge, I find that I am not coming out from the same place that I went in. The terrain is very unfamiliar to me and navigating is proving to have some challenges. I don’t know where I am, only that I’ve not been here before…
This is probably a good time to reiterate that my writing is for me, to release and heal and to make space for all of the good things coming. My words are not pointed directly at anyone and I don’t use names, unless I’ve asked the person first, to respect privacy and the journey of he other parties involved in my story.
This blog is just that, my story…my experience of my life…written daily to heal my brokenness, to honor my commitment, to myself of blogging every day for 365 days, to ignite my passion and my gift for writing. I am so glad that you are here and I hope that my writing helps to heal you too…I really do.
As I have said from the beginning, I tried to make it really easy, if you are looking for me, here I am. If you are looking to avoid me, here I am, so you do not have to enter. You can see me and you can avoid seeing me…and I am good either way because that is none of my business…what you do or do not do…how you do or do not feel about me…not mine to carry or worry about. Do you know how liberating it is to know that?! What you think of me is truly none of my business. (Thank you Don Miguel Ruiz-The Four Agreements)
I will never forget when I got “The Four Agreements” in my mailbox. It felt like Christmas…opening up something so new and so foreign to me. I had never been introduced to or entertained the wonders between the covers of these books. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I was in active addiction at the time, and a hot fucking mess. The thing is I really didn’t know what a hot fucking mess I was or how my life was about to erupt and spin completely out of control. I didn’t know that I was about to be hurt as badly as I had ever been hurt, (up until that time in my life). I didn’t know a lot of things, but I read those books, and then I read them again. Over the years, I have read them again, and I didn’t know it then, but a seed was planted and my life would never be the same,and I am thankful.
In the midst of my thoughtless and selfish decisions, and amidst the betrayal and hurt inflicted by me and upon me, there was a tiny ray of light…a tiny piece of hope…a life raft for me to float on, until I could get back to safety…
Unbeknownst to me at the time, was a gift, that didn’t feel like a gift at all…the gift of being left for dead, by the very person who had rescued me. A story I have repeated over and over and over for my entire lifetime, and a cycle that ends here and now, as it does not serve me any longer.
I cherish those times and those memories and I always will. I have no ill feelings. I forgive. I take those lessons and count them amongst my most cherished blessings…truly an example in my life of two broken people, so desperately wanting to be mended and loved and wanted, really wanted…and we both were, so loved and so wanted…
Hurt people hurt people. I know I didn’t hurt anyone on purpose. I also do not believe that I was hurt, on purpose. I did hurt people though and I was hurt…and for those things, and for all times where I inflicted pain, acted selfishly, acted out of alignment with my highest self…I truly am sorry…sorry to myself and sorry for anyone that I may have hurt along the way.
I have come to a place in my life where I will not settle for not being wanted, and I mean, really wanted, like a verb…because isn’t life a verb? Isn’t life an action word? We are alive and we are living…living is the act of being alive…it’s an act, an action word…
My unqueched thirst to be loved, like a verb…to be wanted, like a verb…to be accepted for all that I’ve been, for all that I am and for all that I am becoming, has not been quenched…and I am fucking thirsty! I am really fucking thirtsy…are you not thirsty too?
I have been tolerated a lot and just the way that sounds cuts right through my very soul. Tolerated…look that one up…better yet, I looked it up for you…
allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one does not necessarily like or agree with) without interference.
“a regime unwilling to tolerate dissent”
synonyms: allow, permit, condone, accept, swallow, countenance; More
accept or endure (someone or something unpleasant or disliked) with forbearance.
“how was it that she could tolerate such noise?”
synonyms: endure, put up with, bear, take, stand, support, stomach, deal with; abide
“he couldn’t tolerate her mood swings any longer”
be capable of continued subjection to (a drug, toxin, or environmental condition) without adverse reaction.
“lichens grow in conditions that no other plants tolerate”
So, there is good reason for my refusal to merely be tolerated, by anyone, ever…for any reason…I deserve much more than that and hey, so do you.
Tolerance…intolerance…these words are not words that I like to use, ever…Tamara and I had an awareness about this a few years ago, when she bought a button that said something to the effect of, “I will not tolerate intolerance “…and I will let you have your own ephiphany of that…very powerful for sure, to realize the dichotomy…
Life is way too short to go places that you don’t want to go and to be around people that you don’t want to be around. Life is way too precious to tolerate or be tolerated by anyone. Go where you are fed and nurtured and loved, like a verb. Go where your spirit soars and your soul dances…
To be tolerated just seems very intolerant to me. I have spent a lifetime in this place and I am opening my door from the inside, of my own free will…and I am leaving any place that I merely feel tolerated.
Any place includes all places for me…My work, my family…my friends and my relationships…if I am not wanted, really really wanted, I will not be in attendance…and so it is!
I am off to make some more space for the good things coming! Have a beautiful day, full of love, love, love…