Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Giving you all I’ve got today, before I collapse…

Good late morning to everyone. I wil be honest, I am struggling this morning.

Have you ever had your body revolt against you? I mean literally revolt? I will not go into detail, I will just say that I have scar tissue where most people are untouched. Sometimes, that and the trauma of all of that, is just a bit much for my little body to handle, and so parts of my body revolt. Other parts of my body shut down completely. Anyway, today is one of those days for me, and so it is a slow and rough start…turtle speed ahead and crawling until I can walk again…let’s fucking do this…

The good news is, that I am listening to My body, something I have never done, until very recently. Tired meant push harder and exhausted meant I was weak and needed more endurance. Hungry didn’t mean anything and I am still terribly lacking in self care in this area. Years and years of working in places where I had to eat as quickly as I could, while working, without stopping or slowing down…no self care or good digestion there…no love and nurturing in those foods…it was just fuel, and I powered through a lot of fuel to keep myself going in those days…

My body has gotten the clear message that taking care of me comes after everyone else is taken care of, and very often, not even then.

I am going to bet that I am not alone in this…I will go even further to say that I bet there is no one reading this, right now, who has not felt this way, who doesn’t neglect themselves daily, and probably multiple times daily. So, today, I feel you. I literally feel you and I feel some of you feeling me too. Thank you. Thank you, Thank you.

My pain tolerance is extremely high, given that it had to be for so very many years. My pain is tipping, the Coral scale today. I am committed to sit with my pain, in my pain and the despair this pain is bringing to me. I committed further to write about my journey, all of it, as it comes up for me, the best I can, for us all.

I am blessed beyond measure for clients who want for my wellness, just as I much as I want for their companions wellness. So many of my clients are my closest friends…some of them even showed up at my Mothers funeral, viewing and graveside memorial.

All of  my friends saw me…friends that have always seen me and who will always see me…Anyone who knew me well, and who watched me lose My Mom, also watched me, want to toss myself right in on top of my Mom and be buried right there with her…

On this day, as I have literally been screaming in pain and writhing around in tremendous anguish, my girl has got me. Through our entire knowing of one another, my girl has had me, and I have had my girl, even before we were each other’s girls…we had each other.

I cannot even begin to relay the embarrassment that some of my situations bring upon me…the complete terror of needing help, especially in the bathroom, or if I am only partially clothed. My body trembles and shakes and convulses and I start stuttering, because I cannot get the thoughts in my head to form words, at least, not the right words…

I have almost always, unless the pain is more than I can possibly conceal, such is true today, powered through. Most recently, even when I could not conceal the pain, and it poured out my eyes and down my cheeks, I powered through.

On this day though…there is no powering through. Doesn’t “powering through” sound so fucking aggressive? It feels very aggressive also and I don’t like that I have done this to myself and to Sam, for our whole life…powered through, sucked it up, dealt with it…

Today, to myself and to Sam, I say that I am so very sorry, for all of the countless times that we have powered through things. I take a moment of silence to honor my inner child, Sam, right now, as we sit in this excruciating pain together, trying to find the words, for us all…I love you Sam and we’ve got this. There is no one I would rather sit in this pain with, in these moments, than with you. We will take all of the time we need, to find our way through this very confusing web…I’ve got you baby girl. I’ve got you.

Sam and I are so blessed that we have Tamara. Unless you have some idea, you’ve no idea how it feels to talk about the things that I talk about. Tamara knows that I speak of these things to heal us all. I know that seeing me like this and hearing my story…seeing me wrecked and broken in a heap on the fucking floor, breaks Tamara’s heart right in two. Even as edited as I have been, the horror of hearing my story, pains me as it flashes across Tamara’s face…across your face…in the mirror, looking back at me…

We have a lot of choices. We don’t have some choices. Some things, whether we chose them in another place and time…Karma…whether we did not consciously choose them at all…some things honestly seem too horrible to possibly imagine that we have chosen them for ourselves…

In this moment, in this pain, I choose to take responsibility for whatever has brought it upon me. I choose to sit with this pain until I can release it and gift myself its release, for once and for all. I accept that, whatever brought this pain here, it is welcome and I honor its time and its journey and its need to be honored and heard and felt.

I accept that my journey, my purpose, my calling…is for the substantial and universal…deep and unconditional healing of us all.

I am here to fufill my Dharma, the principal of cosmic order.

I accept that I have been in dire need to control my life, and the lives of others. I ask for help to let go, to truly let go and release, once and for all, that which no longer serves me. I pray for divine intervention to assist me in releasing the clenching and tightening, the strain and the pressure…the excruciating pain and the restriction from horrific scarring…all of the muscles in my face and the tightness in my broken jaw…please release the pain and the horror and open me to finding my smile…please release my body from the bondage of clenching down tightly to keep imposters and foreign objects out.

Please, universe, take away from me, from all of us, what no longer serves us. Please remove the veil and allow us to recognize and embrace our Dharma. Please God, comfort us all, surround us all, as we learn to walk with our new legs…Please God, bless us that we learn to walk without legs, just as Parsley flew without wings, just as someone I admire very much, journeys through life, without his legs…Let us all be steadfast in our walking each other home…

Thank you Tamara, for always seeing the good in me, the strength in me…and for giving me some extra when I fall short. I love you and I cannot even imagine where I would be without you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To everyone reading, thank you so much for being here with me, for being brave and being open to your own healing. Thank you for the love you send me and for the beautiful comments and sentiments. I love you all right back…I really, really do.

I am off to bed…to find some reprieve from the pain that rocks my body to its core today. I believe in the good things coming and I am thankful, with all of my heart, for the amazing things already here!

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: