Good morning lovelies! Thank you for all of the love and prayers yesterday…please keep them coming my friends. This girl is struggling.
When you are in so much pain that you cannot see straight…you must remember to breathe.
My Mom taught me this when I used to have horrific cramps. “Baby, you have to breathe. If you breathe, the pain will let go…just breathe sugar.”
My Chrioprator always has to borrow my head to adjust my neck, because I don’t breathe enough to let go on my own.
I walk around in a body that is clenched tightly shut, for my own protection. Breath gets stuck because not breathing saved my life more times than I can count. Playing dead and acting like I was sleeping, when I was wide awake…my parents always called it playing possum…
I still find myself playing possum and sleeping like a dog, with one eye open, almost always.
I was literally screaming in pain yesterday and almost passed out four times, from the intensity of the pain alone…and breath did not come.
All day long…racked with pain, screaming and crying uncontrollably…trying to stay ahead of the pain, to no avail, and all with no prescription medication…and do you want to know why? Me too…
Actually, I believe that I do know. I believe that my worst fears manifested yesterday. I am scared of my own ass, and I am horrified of your ass. Anyone who has known me for a quick minute, knows that I am a horrendous ass phobe…I detest public restrooms, butt sounds and ass smells…I avoid ass, all ass, including my own ass, at all costs.
And wouldn’t you know it…something is wrong with my ass. Since I avoid my ass at all costs, we are not familiar friends. I don’t know my way around down there. I do know this…whoever has moved in down there is a horrible houseguest. I do not have any room for rent down there, so I am assuming (I just had to throw that in there, because I am hilarious like that)…that they are in the wrong house.
I did my very best to make them feel comfortable yesterday, since they are here for some reason. By last night, I felt like we could have the conversation about them being in the wrong house. It was kind of sad and they were a little torn up (I just crack…no pun intended…myself up). I asked them to please respectfully clean up their mess and be out by this morning. They have calmed down a bit, although they definitely have not moved out, as I requested.
So, here’s how it really went down, I freaked the fuck out. I was in the worst fucking pain that I can remember in quite some time. Literally brought to my fucking knees, which hurt even worse. My girl and our dogs…the Sanctuary and Anyone within a mile or so radius, literally felt my pain and heard my cries.
Web MD will always fuck with you and I highly recommend not going there. With that being said, I jumped onto Web MD yesterday, to diagnose myself.
Here is what I came up with, as embarrassing as this is for me, to be sharing this with all of you…I am breathing my way through this….
During my horrific abuse, I was apparently hurt in my bottom too. Lots and lots of really bad internal trauma down there. My guess is that this visitor has much to do with visiting and releasing this trauma, for once and for all, and so I invite her to come and stay as long as she needs to stay, to heal us both, to heal us all.
Here is where I could use some help, Sam is beyond freaked out and completely retraumatized. Sam is clear that she cannot go to the doctor for anything between her belly button and her knees, unless she is completely put under anesthesia. I get it and I would prefer that myself, and am praying my hardest, to find someone…preferably energy work, homeopathic treatment…to help us through this, should it be something more than a hemorrhoid.
Web MD starts there and keeps on going from there into ass cancer signs, symptoms and treatments, which literally caused me to vomit and have a colossal melt down…
So, after therapy tomorrow, I will make a decision about treatment and what not. For me, in this moment, I am writing my own story and I have a hemorrhoid, which I am addressing with over the counter medications and Tamara’s love and help. I am in tremendous pain and this is teaching me, up close and personal, how to breathe, how to breathe, like how I teach breath, every day to my clients.
I am learning to invite my pain to visit me so that we can sit together with Sam and heal it together. I am learning not to medicate my pain and so the intensity is relative to my being in sobriety. I have either literally been out of body or completely obliterated during whatever caused this pain in the first place.
Until yesterday, I was not aware that my ass had also been assaulted in the vicious attacks upon my tiny person. As you may know or can possibly imagine, I felt like I had been stabbed in my heart.
I invited the pain and I believe that he severity and the intensity of it all is very relative to the initial pain inflicted upon me. I believe that at 44 years old and without serious medication, I felt everything yesterday that I had to leave my body because of, as a small child.
I was out of body because God himself, came down and plucked me out of that poor little body, Sams little body, so that we could survive.
Sam and I have some big work to do…we have always known this…and no matter what is happening downstairs, Sam and I are fighting the good fight. Right now, that feels like a mother fucking war to us…hemorrhoid or ass cancer, no matter right now…just that it is in our ass…and that the pain is damn near unbearable.
Tamara held all of this for us yesterday and I’ll not ask her, or anyone else, to hold for me anymore. I was so horrified and embarrassed and I asked her not to say anything about my ass, and she didn’t. Thank you baby, you can set that down now. Thank you for loving us through the horror of this all…
I thought this post might just do me in…and look at me living and breathing and adulting through this…who knew?
So, your love and prayers are appreciated, as I navigate my way through this…as always, thank you for being here. Love, love, love..
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.