Good morning! I hope your week is off to a good start. My week feels like it is starting off slowly…my life kind of feels like it’s in slow motion and going 100 mph all at the same time.
I feel pretty disconnected from the world around me. I have been pretty disconnected for a couple of years, trying to navigate my world after the death of my Mom. I thought it was about time I came back in and now I’m thinking, maybe not.
My whole life, holidays and Birthdays have been a big deal in my family. My Birthday is in August. My Brothers Birthday is March the 9th and my Moms is April 6th and my Dads is April 9th. Mothers Day and Fathers Day come right behind my family’s Birthdays. I was always scrambling, because everyone came all at once and there I was out there in August by myself.
When my Mom died, all of that died with her. I tried to maintain her enthusiasm and was not met with enthusiasm, and so I think I just gave up. From the people closest to my heart my whole life, I received texts for Christmas. I think that was my breaking point…the point where something inside me just broke.
Kind of strange really…I mean it wasn’t like a monumental moment, just lots of painful moments over time, that finally resulted in a break. Breaks are where the light enters and I am seeing little flickers of light shining in through the tears, streaming down my cheeks.
My Mom always made our favorite meal and our favorite cake for our Birthday. Ever year, without fail, on the night before our Birthday, the house smelled so amazing! My Mom would be up baking and it was the best thing ever!
Last night, our house smelled amazing! I got out my Moms recipe for Shawn’s very favorite Birthday treat…dream bars. My Mom and I made them together. Through the years, I watched my Mom make dream bars countless times. Last night, through my tears, I made them in her place.
I have come to accept that I cannot hold our family together. I would never have believed, not in a million years, that my Mom dying, was only the beginning of my loss. I would never have believed that this could happen to our family. Isn’t that how it happens? I mean, I imagine that no one believes this will happen to their family either.
I heard that the death of a loved one can destroy marriages, relationships, lifelong friendships and families. I guess I believed that…I mean, my Moms death nearly destroyed me. What I didn’t realize, what I didn’t know, is that losing my Mom wasn’t to be the only relationship that death came for.
Obviously, death took my Mom from me. Not so glaring, not so suddenly and not even on my radar…death took my little brother and my Dad from me too. My Mom died and all of everything we have ever known and celebrated and believed in…it all died with her.
Lifelong friendships…gone. I guess because I couldn’t maintain my end, that ended it. Fucking devastating the wreckage that I am standing in. Life gets hard and people get gone. Life is too hard and people cannot look.
I have seen families literally fighting over the remains of their loved ones. I have seen families take everything from one another, in deaths name. Things sacred, no longer sacred and promises made for a lifetime, no longer honored. Death can bring out shit that you could never imagine in people that you thought you knew. Death doesn’t just take the deceased…death can also rob the living.
Life has blown me completely out of the water since my Moms diagnosis in October of 2015. As I look down into the empty fish bowl that I am about to land back in, I see that there is no water left. Headed face first into the bottom of the glass, I realize that I am fucked. I am so fucked!
From this angle, there is nowhere to go but down, and this is going to fucking hurt. The odds are not in my favor to even survive a crash like this. Headed face first, at the speed of sound, straight for the bottom, and right before I hit…I look around and see that no one is on the inside of the glass anymore. No one but me in here…SLAM…CRASH…CRASH…FUCK!! FUCK!!!
For the last couple of years, I have kind of just laid down here, dazed and confused and bewildered. I don’t breathe too well down here…like a fish out of water, this is taking its toll. I see people all day long…people I can’t touch or reach anymore. The glass is really thick and they must not be able to hear my cries for help.
I know my screams are muted and I guess you can’t see the agony on my face through the glass either. I scream your name and hit the glass, trying to get your attention. I see you looking right at me, and nothing…like it’s a mirrored glass and you can’t see me see you, but I see you. I do see you, like I’ve always seen you. I just realized that you can’t see me anymore, you can’t hear me anymore…
At first I am perplexed…How can I see you and hear you so clearly and vividly? How can I get out of here to help you, and yet I can’t get out of here to save me? How can you not see me? How can you not hear my screams? I don’t understand. I see you and the only reason that I don’t hear you is because you aren’t talking to me anymore.
This fishbowl is no life for a fish…and certainly no life for a Coral…This existence and the vortex encapsulating me…this is not how my story is going to end. I will not allow it.
I have a lifeline that I’ve been unable to reach dangling above me. Kind of like a cat with a string…I’ve made contact with the string, I just haven’t been able to grab hold…
Death has robbed me of my ability to celebrate my life. Death took my Mom and nothing changes that…nothing ever will. Everyone else though…death didn’t take them…and I won’t blame death for loss that she didn’t claim. In fact, I don’t blame anyone anymore…just some observations from inside this waterless and damn near lifeless fish bowl…
So, with my dreambars in tow, I am off to surprise my little brother, for his Birthday. I realize that I cannot keep up with my Moms traditions…only Sherry could do that. I cannot fill the void that her leaving has left…no one can do that. No one can save me…I must do that.
Death has taken a lot from me and yet she has taken nothing at all from me. Death did not empty Coral…Coral is not empty. This fishbowl though…this bowl is definitely empty.
The lifeline dropped a couple of more inches and I can reach it now and so I grab hold. I grab on with all I’ve got and slowly and ever so carefully, Little by Little…I am getting the fuck out of this empty and lifeless bowl!
We all have a choice and although we may not know it, we do. We have a choice and today I choose life…my life. I choose your life and the fishes life whose bowl I’ve been residing in for the last couple of years.
Be the change my friends…be the change. I can see you through your glass bowl and I can hear your cries and now that I am free, I am dropping my lifeline down for you. What you choose to do with it, well that is entirely up to you!