Good morning! Thank you for all of the love and shares for Morgan. I believe in love and I believe in standing united and I believe in the strength and the power of prayer. I believe that we can love Morgan home and that love will free her badly battered body and spirit from the confines that bind her.
I believe so much, that I know, that love is the answer. Love is the answer for Morgan and love is the answer for you and love is the answer for me.
More than anything, Morgan wants freedom and Morgan wants to return home to her people. Morgan wants to be in space large enough for her spirit to soar. Don’t we all want that? I mean truly, isn’t that what we all want…to be with our people in a space that doesn’t suffocate us? Don’t we all want to be free to fulfill our Dharma?
The golden rule always comes into play for me…always. I have believed, as long as I can remember, that we ought to treat people the way we would like to be treated. I believe that if we all did that, without fail, the world would be a much kinder and softer and loving place.
My world has not been this…people have not treated me like they would like to be treated. It seems much more likely to me that I have been treated as they have been treated.
The rage in the beatings I have endured and the hate in the attacks launched upon me…the force brutal enough to break my jaw and so many other bones in my body and reign its terror throughout the sacred places in my body, leaving horrific scar tissue and a barren wasteland resembling the destruction left by land mines. I believe that hurt people hurt people. People that do these things, whether they know it or not and whether or not they admit it…these people are hurt people. Hurt people hurt people.
For those of you following my hurting ass, I am still hurting pretty bad. I went to my chiropractor yesterday and she put my jaw back in place and kinesotaped my face to hold it in. I have been seeing my chiropractor for over 20 years, and yesterday, we hurt together. My broken jaw, pops out of place during times of extreme pain and stress in my life and it fucking hurts! It hurts so bad.
While my chiropractor put me back together, her staff worked diligently to get me information and referrals. I cried through my whole appointment, inconsolable and unstoppable tears. I was loved through pain that most people cannot imagine, and I am so thankful.
The intensity of the pain is causing my entire body to clench shut in a protective stance. The trauma and abuse to my body is clamped inside theses walls and cannot be accessed without complete sedation.
Any of you who have sought out TST (trauma sensitive treatment) may know how difficult and painful it is to tell and retell your story, desperately trying to find someone who will just put me to sleep to go down there and do what they need to do.
After countless phone calls, prayers and much frustration and trauma, I got a referral from someone who knows me, I mean really knows me and sees me and hears me and I am so thankful. I will be making appointments today for necessary procedures and I ask for all the love you’ve got…all of the prayers you can send up and to help carry me through this.
Everything below my waste has been best left alone for years, as i was so badly brutalized for so many years. To have to have someone else poke and prod around down there without me being asleep…well to be honest, Sam and I just are not ready.
All I know right now is that I have something down there that does not belong. The pain has actually topped my pain chart and is unbearable and constant.
Never in my life have a prayed for hemorrhoids, but I am fucking praying for hemorrhoids now. Hemorrhoids is looking to be my best case scenario, especially with all of the cancer in my family.
I have fought so fucking hard, just to survive, just to be here. I have endured unspeakable abuse and repeated abuse over the course of my lifetime. I will not be taken out of this world with ass cancer!
My private journey of 44 years has just been released from the vaults that kept these secrets safe for generations. My voice just spoke the unspeakable truth. My abuser has been publicly named. My Mom died of cancer. I will not go out like this… I will not, after everything I have lived through, let something wrong with my badly assaulted ass take me out…I just won’t do it.
I happen to believe that I’ve big work to do, which I’ve not even begun to do yet. I’m just now, at 44 years old, getting started. I believe that we all have big work to do and now is the time to get started. There is no other time…just now. Now is all we have…now is all we have ever had and now is all we will ever have.
I ask for your love, for your prayers, for your support…during this extremely difficult time in my life. I am strong and I need some help to get through all of this. I am willing, I am scared and I am hurting…and I am asking for you to love me through this.
I cannot ask you to be the change if I cannot be the change. I cannot expect you to have hope if I’ve lost my hope. I cannot encourage you to be brave if I am running scared. I cannot support you and not allow you the gift of supporting me too. I cannot tell you, with all of the conviction in me, that love is enough, and not believe it myself.
We must grab each other’s hands and we must embrace one another in our pain and our fears…in our trials and tribulations…in our despair and our loss and our pain…and we will rise up!
Morgan will rise up. Coral will rise up. You will rise up…if we all just keep lifting each other up, we will all rise up. There is no ceiling and there are no limits…we can go as high as we take each other, so let’s get going.
I do not mention names without asking people first, except as I feel I need to, so I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who held me through yesterday…thank you for helping me to keep one foot in front of the other and to keep fighting the good fight. Thank you for the love and the hugs and the Kleenex, for the texts and phone calls and for keeping me in constant love and prayer. Thank you for loving me and seeing me and helping Sam and I to be brave enough to go to the doctors we need to go to.
Very important to me on this day is my little Brothers Birthday. We have been distant and awkward and estranged since my Mom died. Like I have said, losing my Mom was just the beginning of my loss. Death came for far more than my Mom on that day…
Happy Birthday Shawn! I love you so, so very much. I am so sorry that we lost our way, that we didn’t know how to bridge the gap between us. I am so sorry for all that you witnessed happening to me. I have never envied you for that and I’ve always been blessed that it was me and not you. Please know that I know, that it was you too…you were hurt too. Maybe not like me, but you were hurt too and I am so sorry that I could not protect you. I celebrate you today, as I do vividly remember the day that Mom and Dad brought you home from the hospital. On that day, I received my most cherished gift ever, my little baby brother, and I have loved you so very, very much.
Im pretty sure that you do not follow my blog and I believe that I unfriended you in all of this pain between us…and yet somehow, I hope the universe brings you my message today…Happy Birthday little Brother…your big sister loves you so, so much!
Maybe you could all send my little brother some love today…we’ve had a rough go of it and he needs your love every bit as much as I do…
Have a beautiful Birthday Shawn! I love you! Everyone else…have a beautiful day and I love you too!