Early morning post before I head off to dreamland…and my heart is thankful. My posts are often difficult and so I thank you for being here. I thank you for the courage you have to face some of your own demons through my writing.
I have no doubt that what I write may be painful and difficult to read, and so always keep that in mind and proceed with caution. If ever you are reading and you feel like it’s too much…just stop reading. I know…I know…it’s like a train wreck…you just have to look. Actually, you don’t have to look…just wanted to throw that out there.
I like to also remind everyone that I am writing to heal Coral. It really is that simple. I feel full of things that no longer serve me and writing helps me to clear headspace and heartspace for the good things coming.
Inspiration for my writing comes from my life experiences, from writing…from music and from conversations, billboards and quotes…from my relationships and my abuse and my journey, breaking on through to the other side.
If ever I fail to give credit and/or use quotations, I assure you that it is an oversight and that it’s not deliberate. I just try to pour my thoughts and feelings out, authentically, as they come to me, without editing.
Right now, there is a constant flow of Musical Medicine in my life and much wisdom in the lyrics that I immerse myself in. I’ve no doubt that I use a lot of lyric and word references to some of those lyrics, and so I say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I apologize if I ever fail to give credit…I give thanks for that now, for anyone I ever missed or miss, henceforth.
Nahko and Medicine for the People open my heart and touch me in ways that I cannot begin to articulate. Meeting Nahko awakened something in me…an unfulfilled hunger, an unquenched thirst…my heart.
Thank you Nahko and Medicine for the people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The weekend in Denver was magical. I had not realized that we really do chose our own family, or that I was taking the road trip of my life with my family. We got to see two Nahko shows back to back and had VIP seating both nights. Both nights, we sat in VIP with Winona LaDuke and her entourage. If you don’t know who Winona is, by name, neither did I. I highly recommend looking her up.
“Winona LaDuke is an American environmentalist, economist, and writer, known for her work on tribal land claims and preservation, as well as sustainable development.” Wikipedia
I cannot possibly describe the infusion of empowerment that I felt hugging her and sharing space with her for those brief hours. It was nothing short of magical. I did not know who Winona LaDuke was before December 29th. I am so blessed and so honored for the moment in time that brought me to the same place she was, for I was so gifted, so humbled, so educated and I am so thankful.
My writings about one person changing the world have been deeply inspired by people I met in Denver that weekend. I am inspired by the people I journeyed with and by the people I became acquainted with.
The idea that we must realize the difference between aspiring and being…well it really hit home, meeting Nahko and Tubby Love and Amber Lily, Dustin Thomas, Winona La Duke, just to name a few. Those beautiful human beings are not aspiring activists, they are activists.
The woman I sat in the backseat with, that I share my life and my life’s journey with, she is an activist. I am fucking inspired by these people and so I write…and I give thanks and I am filled with hope and inspiration and love. I am so filled with love and gratitude and I give thanks.
I also learned deeply and completely heart forward, the true meaning of Ohana., so allow me to share with you:
“Part of Hawaiian culture, ʻohana means family (in an extended sense of the term, including blood-related, adoptive or intentional). The concept emphasizes that families are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another.”
What a beautiful, beautifully articulated idea, one that I hadn’t entertained so deeply, until our weekend in Denver…that “families bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another”.
Nahko also says it beautifully in his song “Runner”
“I can be loyal, return the honor
And I’ll put my family first
But you must earn your keep
This love has no strings
No leash, no clipped wings
Stronger than most things
It is noble by nature
I want no promises
Just some logged hours”
Dr. Suess and his amazing writings…”Oh, The Places You’ll Go”…”Unless Someone like you cares a whole awful lot. Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” Shel Silverstein and his inspirational writings…”The Giving Tree”…these are only a few of the writings that inspire my life and I am so thankful.
My deep and intimate struggles lately come from the deepest and darkest of places within me and so I write and I read and I invite my pain to walk as closely with me as it needs to before we part ways.
My love knows no bounds, not in time…not in space…not in distance. My belief that love will change the world, will change the world.
Morgan is my sister and I love her. Morgan is being held against her will. Morgan was fucking lied to and was not granted her release after her capture, as promised. Morgan is my heart and my time with her is such a blessing to me. I will not be silent about the injustice that surrounds Morgan. I will not edit my views of my world to be politically correct or “safe”. Safe is a fucking illusion if you seek it anywhere outside of yourself.
I will not talk politics or religion, although I will write about how I feel about issues on these slippery slopes. I am not trying to offend anyone and yet, if I do, I’m okay with that too. We all have great reason to be offended, in my humble opinion.
One person can make a difference. We must remember that can go both ways. One person can be very inspirational and inspiring and rise to do great things. One person can run a dictatorship, based upon his own ego. In both cases, one person, can turn the tide. One person is the only person who truly can make a difference.
There is no time like the present. There is no other time, only the present. We have been gifted this life…each and every one of us. What we do with what we have been given…well that is entirely up to us.
I have been drowning for the past couple of years in a sea of grief and despair…loss after loss and blow after blow. Actually, the past couple of years has just hit record highs…my life has been extremely painful.
Yesterday, after a prolonged period of being in some of the worst pain of my life, I fucking lost it. I literally fucking lost it. All four walls just started collapsing on top of me and I quickly bundled up and went outside, barely able to walk, sobbing and literally screaming in pain and despair and grief, I needed to be outside in Mother Nurture.
As I stumbled down our driveway, trying to mute my cries and my screams…as I tried to find a place that I could go melt down where all of the babies and our neighbors would not be disturbed…everything in the world went silent.
I lost time as a squished through the mud and literally fell to my fucking knees, sobbing and writhing in pain and grief and despair, behind our outreach building, out of view of the whole fucking world.
As I dropped to my knees and fell forward on my face, as I looked up, under the outreach building, there was one of the bunnies who greets me every day. I saw nothing through my tears and through my pain, and then she saw me.
There she was…the real life Velveteen Rabbit…sent from the heavens, in that moment, to renew my badly battered spirit, and I was so thankful. In her soft and gentle eyes…in her trust to stay so close with all of the wailing and sobbing…in the time and space we shared together…I found a tiny shred of hope, a tiny glimmer of light…one bunny, she certainly did make a difference.
I don’t know how long I was down there or what kind of physical, spiritual and emotional pain would ever truly drop me to my knees…I know it now. I have been dropped, without warning, without mercy, without reprieve, and I am thankful.
I am also thankful to the beautiful angel with beautiful flowing and golden hair and the bright green and sparkly, yet tiring eyes, who came and literally picked me up and carried me back to our home.
We must never underestimate the power of one. We must never forget the strength of two or more. We must realize that we are our hope, our only hope.
I often catch myself saying “I”, where to be accurate, “we” is appropriate. As diligently as attempt to detach myself from my ego, there I am, in all of my ego, and damn it if the teacher and the student don’t constantly go to blows over this one…”you aren’t listening… no you Aren’t listening…I was talking and you interrupt me, all the fucking time…I am not being heard. I can’t fucking hear you when you talk to me that way, in that time, with that venom on your face and in your voice…I want to talk. I want to be heard. I want it matter. I. I. I. Me. Me. Me.
So, epic ego fail…and I lie here awake, stumbling over all of my mistakes and over sharp and jagged words that have cut so deeply, on all sides…words I’ve said and words said to me…and I am grateful, for I am still here, still putting one foot in front of the other.
With all of my heart, I thank my partner, Tamara. I have never met anyone who could see the best in me, the hope and the drive in me, through all of the pain in me…all while loving me unconditionally through every moment.
Tamara and I are blessed beyond measure and believe me, we know that with all of everything in us. The work that we do, the women that we are…we face some darkness and we hurt and we cry and we suit up and we show up. We crawl if we can’t walk, toward the tiny glimmer of light, that is hope…that is love…every single day, without fail.
We carry each other and we hold each other up. We cry and we hurt. We rarely anger and yet we are human and sometimes, we anger at the injustice. We break, over and over and over at the disposable and throw away world that we live in. We give it all we’ve got and then we give it some more, and that is how we do it, how we’ve always done it.
In this partnership, we have seen some hardship. We have buried our Mom and so many of our babies together…so, so much loss.
In my grief…in my pain and in my struggle, I often do not see my girl as clearly as I would like to. I don’t always take the time to ask her how SHE is and we talk more about Coral and Corals pain than Tamara and Tamaras pain.
The inspirational posts that you all read are my brave and raw…candid and brutally honest accounts of my life and my journey. The train wreck in the driveway…that is who Tamara gets most of the time, and I am awake and I see that. I am strong and I will be the change that I wish to see in my relationship with my world, with my girl, with myself…
I humbly and with all of my heart thank Tamara for loving me like a verb, for literally carrying me when I’ve nothing left, for her strength when mine is so depleted…for her anchor when my tsunami hit and hit again and again…I love you Tamara…to the moon and back.
To every single person, and I know you know who you are, who has really, really loved me through the worst of times, believe me when I tell you that good things are coming for us all. Please know how much I love and appreciate you for holding space, for giving space and for taking space. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.