Sam had this title for a blog idea a while back and I saved it for the perfect time. There is no better time than the present!
I appreciate hanging out with Sam and Morgan because I feel safe and I feel important and I feel loved.
Embracing my inner child…ummmmm, I’m sorry, what? I was in massage school when I was first told to do this and I was not impressed…not in the least.
I fought hard to be here. I fought harder to stay here and I have fought the urge to leave here throughout my entire lifetime. I’m a fighter. (Reminded me of how much I have always loved the song “Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel)
I have undoubtedly lived in fear…debilitating and paralyzing fear, and I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
I have always known that someday, I would be somebody. I used to play “Baby Girl” by Sugarland, over and over for my parents. I assured my Mom that her investment in me would pay off, that I would take care of her when she got old and that all of her needs would be met. I just knew that someday I would make her so proud, that she would be sitting in the front row someday, somewhere, when I became somebody.
My Mom did not get old.
Sam and I struggle daily with that. We so wanted her to be here to see us rise up and be successful. We wanted her to be proud of who we became. It was killing us to feel this way and so we are rewriting our story about this…Sam wants to share it with you:
Since I was little, I loved my Mom so, so much. I loved my Mom more than anyone else in the whole wide world. My Mom was my closest friend. I miss my Mom so much and I cry a lot. I cry so, so much and I never cried before.
When I was little, people hurt me and they were mean to me. One day I came home crying so hard because Kids made fun of me and laughed at me and I never wanted to go to school, ever again. I was so sad that my Mom cried too. I never wanted to make my Mom cry again and so I made a pact that I would get all of my crying out on the curb, around the corner, so my Mom wouldn’t cry because I cried ever again.
I always made my Mom and some other people laugh. My Mom told me that I would be a comedian some day and she even said I could use her in my material.
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to be president. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be so good at whatever I did that my Mom would be proud.
I was a loser as a kid (Coral just told me to never say that about myself again because Coral says that’s not true and never was true, no matter who said it). So, don’t say that to me again please. I don’t like what is not true. I cannot relate to what does not fit together.
Anyway, I had a lot of jobs that I couldn’t stay at because I just didn’t like them. I just didn’t like being told what to do by someone who didn’t do what they told me to do all the time. I don’t like having to stay doing the same thing that I didn’t even like doing for so long of a day.
I did not want to shower at school and I could not and so my Mom had to talk to the principal to put me in PE at the last class of the day because I could not get naked with those other kids. Being naked made me so scared inside.
I hated school so much because the kids were so mean to me. I did not like math and my teacher made me take a test for special ed. I didn’t understand because those kids were my best friends. When I tested, I was so, so smart. My teacher said “off the charts IQ”. I don’t know what that means and I don’t care really. I was scared of the test though and I’m so glad I passed.
I tried really hard to like boys like I was supposed to. I could only like girls like that. Boys were my best friends but I just didn’t like kissing them. This made my Mom mad at me. I didn’t want her to be mad but I couldn’t not love girls. I love girls so, so much.
I have had a hard time with girls because a lot of girls would really rather be with boys. I’m not sure why they asked me out if they liked boys, but they did, a lot.
Loving girls was so easy for me and I always wanted the girls to love me back. I think some of the girls loved me back. I wish all of the girls still love me but they do not. I get sad when I think that some of the girls and maybe some boys, might even hate me.
I know I hurt some of the girls. I loved some girls who were with boys and some girls that were with other girls. I didn’t mean to but I hurt people because I did not treat them how I want to be treated. I was wrong for that and very sorry.
I think that because of all of those things, I just really wanted to do something really really good. I wanted to help people, so I thought I had to be a doctor. I wanted to lead people and so I thought I had to be a president. I wanted to be a comedian because I love to see smiles.
I didn’t want to love girls but I can’t help it. Now I’m glad I can’t help it because the best girl ever loves me as much as I love her and she doesn’t pick boys or girls to be with because she Only picks me.
Anyway, before all of this stuff that I just said happened, while I was still in the seed…I knew way back then that I had big work to do. I knew it then and I forgot.
I forgot for my whole life that I have to get busy because my work is so so big. I have to get working before I die. I have to live a lot before I leave here.
I knew it and I forgot it and my Mom died and I just got really lost. I got so sad and I got so scared. Then I realized that my Mom would not see me become somebody and I almost gave up on my idea that I had in the seed about big work.
I remember the day that Coral finally met me and invited me to come out. Coral knew I was so scared and she asked me my name. I told her my name is Samantha and to call me Sam. I like Coral because she doesn’t “slip” and call me Samantha. I don’t like that. My name is Sam.
Anyway, on that day, Coral said that I can come out and that she would always protect me. That day I knew that what happened in the seed was going to be hard, hard work for me and Coral. I also remembered what I knew in the seed. I remembered most of all, that it would be worth it.
Wow…thank you Sam. That was so brave of you to come out and talk to everyone. I am so proud of you. I am going to be brave and post it without even looking at it first. I trust that whatever you needed to say is just as important for us to hear as it was for you to say. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the strength that it takes to be Sam.
And with that, I am spent. Sam says it’s time to go meet Morgan, and we are off!