Good morning! I’m back. I’m sorry I missed you yesterday. I literally took a trip down memory lane yesterday. After a very important visit with my best childhood friend growing up, I set off to do some healing.
My friend is three months younger than me and on my first Birthday party, apparently, I was still crawling and she was already walking. Story is That my parents had tried everything to get me to walk, to no avail. I watched her walking for a few minutes and got up out of my crawl and started walking myself.
So, literally, one of my first inspirations in life…and my very first friend in the whole world…We have both probably heard that story more than our fair share throughout our lifetimes…Yesterday, I told that story to her kids, as I held her hand.
My dear friend lost her husband yesterday morning after his battle with colon cancer. There are no words at a time like that…just hugs and lots of tears…She asks me, “Coral, why do they always take the good ones? Not the rapists and child molestors and predators…they always take the good ones.”
I felt the exact same way when my Mom died and I won’t lie…I ask that question myself, a lot…I have no answer for that other than my own theory, that I developed out of necessity, when my Mom, not her Sister who abused me, died.
My theory is that, maybe the good ones are spared any further suffering. Maybe they are actually being gifted, by being taken out of a suffering and relentless world? Maybe they were so fucking good that God chose them to come home because he needs the very, very best right now.
I believe that God often hand picks the best of the very best. Sherry and Daniel were definitely the best of the best. So, I choose to believe that God needs them more than we do and that he took them because he needs the best.
My Mom grew up in Portales, New Mexico. All I remember growing up is that no one had heard of Portales. Although my Moms childhood home no longer stands at 316 South Avenue H…right around the corner from Taco Box and Allsups…and a few blocks from Eastern New Mexico University…I spent some time there with my Mom yesterday.
Shawn and I must have ridden a million miles around that block and off roading, as we called it, in that alley, on our bicycles. I walked down the sidewalk where I first learned to ride my bike. I looked up into the trees, took in all the air that my lungs could hold, closed my eyes and pictured Shawn and I riding and riding and riding…and I cried and I cried and I cried…fuck I miss my little Brother.
I peered through the fences that we used to hide behind and I stood by our trash dumpster…home base for many of our covert excursions. Damn it…I missed my little Brother so much, and so I walked around the block again, and again, to hang out with him some more. If only in my mind and if only for a few moments…I breathed him in and I felt him all around me. I spent all day with Shawn yesterday.
I also stopped in to see my My Moms Brother…the one that she was closest to…the one so often mistaken for her twin, throughout her life.
In all of the horror of my life…he has always been kind to me. When others tainted me and hurt me, he was a calm and steady kind. I have always loved him in a special way and I wanted him to know. I will not pass this way again, and so I needed to try to tell him my heart, as best as I could, as I passed through for the last time. As misunderstood as I have always been, he just accepted that he would never understand me and loved me anyway.
I have not been to Portales, other than for lunch, when we drove through going to Houston, for what turned out to be,our final family trip together ever, in half of a lifetime. Ironically, on the dot, half a lifetime…22 years ago. We buried my grandmother in 1996…They lowered the casket and tossed the dirt on top and Debra tried to push me in on top of her as I bent down to place my rose on her casket. I vowed to never, ever come to Portales again…to lock all of those ghosts and demons down tight and to never return.
Yesterday, in the Eastern New Mexico winds, in the middle of a cemetery, I came unhinged. As I stood in front of the headstone that my Mamma and I picked out together, after Pappa died…I completely fell apart.
Flooded with memories and flashbacks…paralyzed by the reality of childhood memories forgotten for half a lifetime…I just allowed myself to break. I stayed there for what felt like forever…I stayed as long as I needed to stay and I felt all that I needed to feel and I vowed that I would never return to the place that took so much from me.
I drove around and visited the places I remember going…the city pol and although I couldn’t find the natatorium at Eastern, I felt those memories too.
I went into Taco Box and Allsups, to remember the good times. I’m a big kid now and I have more allowance, so I bought every single treat that I could carry to the register, that Shawn and I used to save our allowance for. I bought them all for us!!! We always had to pick one and yesterday, I picked them all!
Moon pies and lick-a-stick, corn nuts and peanut patties…caps for our cap guns…Dr. Pepper in the old glass bottle…I bought them all yesterday, as I filled up with gas.
I got out to the parking lot with all of our goodies and I couldn’t find Shawn anywhere. His bike was gone and I was standing there alone by my car. The tears would not shut down and I could not drive. A pact we made an entire lifetime ago…that we would always be best friends, no matter what…broken and shattered in the parking lot of Allsups…and damnit I miss my little Brother. I never found him or his bike and so I texted him some pictures of our huge score at Allsups…our biggest score ever!!!
I came here to love my dear friend who has always loved me, like a verb. My friend who taught me to walk. My friend who I had not seen since we were children, until I turned around at my Moms viewing, and Jennifer was standing there. Right before I walked in to see my Mom in the casket for the first time, Jennifer was standing there, and my heart will never forget.
All of these years later, my heart does not forget.
My trip down memory lane has some much more vivid and detailed discoveries and enlightenment…for another day perhaps.
On this day though, I send all of my love to my dear friend Jennifer and their five children. I send all of my love to Daniel’s family and to Jennifer’s family and to all of their friends. I lift them up in prayer, that their hearts be comforted and that Daniel surround them in his spirit and his energy, to help them take the most difficult walk of their lives, without him physically by their side.
If you have a minute and if it’s in your heart, would you mind sending Jennifer and her family some love and prayers…good vibes and peace?
We are all just walking each other home…Let us never forget that. We walked Aiden home, didn’t we? We loved him SO much, that we all brought him back home. We have that kind of power, you and I…together…the power to change the world with love…so let’s go do this!
Have a beautiful day and if you didn’t the other day…do something that you will thank yourself in ten years, for doing today.
I love you Jennifer…I love you so much my friend…Peace and blessed be the journey Daniel…you are with the angels now my Brother…