Good morning! I had my consult yesterday morning and I have been scheduled for an emergency colonoscopy, today at noon.
I went in for my consult and given my level of pain and the cancer in my family history, I was scheduled right away. Strange how a word that no one wants to utter can shift your world so abruptly, in a fucking instant, isn’t it?
My Mom was rushed by ambulance, for stroke symptoms, to the ER, after she fell and could not get back up. An overnight visit and many tests, revealed that it was not a stroke. In the ER, they don’t say cancer….they say lesions. I will tell you though, her unspoken cancer symptoms got her VIP treatment and bumped her to the top of every priority list on that floor.
I appreciate your love. I really, really do. I appreciate your stories and your help and the laughs. I mostly appreciate the laughs and all of the love. Poop emojis fill my text in box and I know that I am loved!
The process of drinking four liters of liquid colon cleanser was a bit to psych myself out for, and I did it. When I was sick as a kid, my Mom always made me lemon pudding, so my concoction was Moms lemon pudding. Hey, it worked. Changing the way I look at this is my only hope…my only salvation from debilitating fear and shitty stories with bad endings. I look good doing it though, don’t you think? I feel that I look a bit pregnant in this photo…unprecedented indeed!
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
I was horrified and I am sitting right here to tell you, that I am okay. No matter what is going on, I am okay.
In spite of my fears, I did not shit my pants or the bed. In spite of the warnings, I did not have a horrible experience. I sat in the middle of this overwhelm and I cried. I forgot to breathe more than I actually breathed. I used all of my skills as an LMT to provide soothing and comforting abdominal massage to myself. I drank and I waited and I repeated, for four hours, and all through the night.
I woke up empty this morning, literally, and it feels nice. It feels nice to have everything, all of it, cleared and cleaned out. Morning coffee is morning water with Benny on this day, and I am blessed.
I won’t lie, I headed straight into fear. I had my appointment for consult yesterday and he said I could schedule for Thursday or Monday, as that’s when he is in surgery. We chose Monday…you know, get all of our affairs in order and what not. We waited and they came back with the earliest appointment they had that gave just enough time for the medication they prescribed me to work. Thursday it is!
I fucking panicked. I started to cry. I started down that path…the path of pain and despair and gloom and doom…and I stayed there for a bit. Tamara helped me out, a few times…and I was fucking mindful…do not feed the fears Coral. Do not feed the fears.
We do though, don’t we? We feed the fears. We feed and nurture and grow our fears until they grow so big that they run right over us. Don’t feed the fears my friends. Don’t feed the fears.
Tamara pointed out that I might consider taking the leap from profanity…I love the way she worded it, and so I actually heard it. We were going over my signs and symptoms and I had made a list, so I wouldn’t leave something out. I told the doctor that my right ass cheek was clenched and will not release.
Later in the Jeep, Tamara asked me why I said ass cheek. Tamara said “Why do you say ass cheek when you know all of the anatomically correct terminology…gluteus Maximus, medius, minimus…and you say ass cheek…”
I guess my answer is simple really, I struggled with Anatomy and Physiology…I really did. I failed my massage licensure over it the first and second time I tested for my LMT License. Origins and insertions. Medial…frontal and midline…prone, supine and elongated…I learned it and I know it and I prefer to speak in words that I am comfortable with. I prefer to speak in words that people know and understand…knees instead of patellas and ankles over medial Malleolus…and ass cheek over gluteus Maximus, with pain originating and radiating throughout my minimus and my medius also…just my ass….that’s how I do it.
Tamaras question is why do I do that? Why do I not use my big words, words that show my intelligence and my eloquence? I am going to have to get back to her on that…Is there a leap from profanity for Coral? I am thinking not, although I am willing to look at it…
Somehow, it feels like Coral is in those f-bombs and those crass analogies that others fail to use and often have difficulty hearing…Somehow, a leap from ass cheeks to Gluteus Maximus was just too big of a leap yesterday, as I sat with a very credentialed and educated Physician, talking about my ass.
So, am I scared? I am. I cannot not know what I know about my family history…colon cancer, prostate cancer, breast cancer and skin cancer…My Mom, died at 66 from stage 4 Breast Cancer, with metastasis to her liver, her lungs and her brain. I cannot not know that and I cannot not have some fear…cancer does scare me and cancer has taken so much from me already. My Moms “stroke” was cancer And it was the game over kind of cancer…two months…just two months from her ER visit and she was off to be with Jesus…so feed the fears…no….but do I have them, you bet your sweet as I do.
Today, I thank each and every one of you for your love..for your prayers and for your support. Thank you for loving me, right where I am at. I love you all right back.
Cancer is a bad word and the word cancer offends the shit out of me. No word has ever offended me more or taken more from me than cancer has.
Fuck offends a lot of people…and I see how that can be…or maybe I don’t. Fuck is a word, like cancer…like many words…a word that offends people. Fuck didn’t take my Mom though. Cancer took my Mom, not fuck. So, for me…I’m not seeing the bridge from profanity to Coral paved with anything other than f-bombs and lots and lots of love…
I ask for more love, more prayers and more good vibes, because no matter what words I chose to use, today, this girl is a little scared…
I am not going to go out and feed the fears today. I will, however, sit with the fears that linger, allow them their expressions and move right back into gratitude, as quickie as I possibly can.
Tamaras Mom used to bring her back to reality when she was afraid by asking her what the worst thing that ever happened to her, and then reminding her that she made it though it. I sit closely with this lesson today, as this is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I will get through it just fine…just he way God intended for me to get through it…with a little help from my friends, with my faith and my undying commitment to making the rest of my life, the best of my life.
Let’s do this! I send you all of my love today for the journey. Go pick one fear…just one…and sit with it, for how ever long you need to sit with it, so you can disarm it and love it and send it back to the universe to be recycled for the greatest good of us all…because that is how we do it!
Thank you Morgan and Aiden for holding me through last night…for walking me though my fears. Thank you Tamara for being my rationality, my laughter, my heart and my soul and for not feeding the fears with me. I love you, to the moon and back and with all of my heart.