Good morning everyone! I am just getting moving this morning. Thank you for all of the love and prayers for my procedure yesterday.
I had the most amazing nurse, named Coral. That in and of itself was pretty amazing…two Coral’s behind the curtain!!! We had the most kind and loving and supportive medical team yesterday, who loved me through my fears and convulsions and tears. I cannot possibly put into words the fear that takes over everything when I have to be touched below my waist, when I’m in a backless gown, when I sign my name to consent to being completely out of control of my body, for anesthesia. There are no words for the terror and so with all of my heart, I thank my doctor and his entire medical team for loving me through a really hard place yesterday.
I ended up having an endoscopy and a colonoscopy, under complete sedation. I don’t know anything about any of that myself. From what I can tell, except for some acid reflux, things appear to be normal. My surgeon ordered biopsies and I will follow up with him in three weeks.
During my consult with him for my procedure, it was highly suggested to get my pelvic examination, which almost knocked me out with no anesthesia. I just don’t do pelvics….I just cannot go through that. So, I put that at the back of my mind, to psych myself out for yesterday.
I’ve no doubt that some of this is likely psychosomatic, as it is all so intricately attached to such horrific sexual, physical and psychological abuse. My brain and my body haven’t even fucking met each other, and so there are but many facets to this complicated web that I was caught in and was woven into throughout my lifetime.
The orders have been put in for a pelvic ultrasound, and also a mammogram. I am awaiting scheduling for a pelvic exam and a pap. The orders for my pelvic and my pap will be done with anesthesia, just as my procedures yesterday were done under anesthesia. I promised Sam that if we were going through all of this, we would go nighty night while it’s being done., and so it is.
To most people, I’m sure the idea of these appointments being anything less than desirable and a bit uncomfortable, is hard to grasp. No one wants these exams, right? “Hey you, can you have me tuck my knees up under my chin, while trying to breathe so you can insert a tube into my ass, said no one ever…or “oooohhhh, won’t you just look at those stirrups! I can’t wait to take my pants off for this exam!”
None of us puts these appointments into our phone, with the same enthusiasm that we do our dinner date with our beloved, do we? I sure as hell do not…In fact, for a lifetime; I haven’t put these appointments in my phone, hardly ever at all.
This morning, after a decent nights sleep and being loved so, so much through a really difficult day yesterday, I am ready to make the necessary appointments. I am ready to take care of me and to get a good baseline, as I take over my medical care, as I walk into my life, for the first time ever, a healing woman.
There are also no adequate words to describe the love that I have for each of you, for loving me so, so much, through all of this.
Tamara, I love you. I just love you so much, for all that you are to me and to everyone here at the Sanctuary. Thank you for helping me to walk through my fears and for holding my hand and wiping my tears yesterday. I love you with all of my heart, to the moon and back…and I do see you and I see how you see me; and Sam. We love you and thank you for loving us and for being our safe place, our home and our heart.
To every single one of you called and texted and messaged…who sent up prayers and good vibes…for all of the love and support and for accepting me right where I am at, thank you!
To the amazing women who came to hug me before my procedure and who were right there when I came out of anesthesia, I love you ladies so much! Again, no words, just love and gratitude overflowing, for you ladies loving me like a verb.
To the amazing men who showed up yesterday before we left for the hospital, to offer love and hugs and support…I love you guys so, so much. Thank you. Thank you for preparing a place for Ahimsa and for loving Tamara and I and all of the animals here at Santuario de Karuna so much.
To my good buddy and a large piece of my heart, Aiden, thank you for coming to get me yesterday. Thank you to Aidens Mom for sending him to me yesterday. I don’t remember being under anesthesia, and Tamara was kind enough to take video of me coming out of anesthesia, which revealed that my immediate concern, coming out was telling Aiden that I love him.
I have a feeling that in all of this pain, in all of this trauma and uncertainty, yesterday, when given half a chance, Sam went and found God and asked him to let her stay with him, so she wouldn’t have to come back to all of the hurt and fear and scary stuff in her life. I think Aiden and Tamara came and got Sam and told her that they needed her here, that it wasn’t time and to come back. And of all of the amazing beings in this entire world, Sam and Coral just could not say no to Aiden or to Tamara, and so given the choice, we came back.
With all of this love…with all of this promise…with all of this healing and with all of his help…We decided to give it another shot…to keep taking tests until we know what is wrong…to keep being love and receiving love. Yesterday, Sam and I let all of you walk us back home and today we thank you. Thank you. thank you.
To baby Taos, Rocky, Aliah and Karma kitty…all of my love for holding space for me and for loving me through these storms. Thank you for holding me as I slept when I got back home and into our bed baby Taos. I love all of you so very, very much.
For all that we are not…there is much that we are….every single one of us…never forget that my friends…we are more than we can possibly imagine ourselves to be.
I love you and I thank you for being here. I hope you have a blessed and beautiful day today! Sending love and prayers to my friend who is about to have the same procedure I had yesterday…maybe you could all send her some love today too?