Happy Wednesday morning everyone! I struggled to get here this morning. The good news is, in my avoidance of writing, I got a lot of shit done!
A quick update on my medical situation, for those of you following:
I met with my new primary care physician on Monday, as my primary care provider, that I’ve seen my whole life, is out of network. My new provider is very kind and started ordering tests immediately. I am so thankful for the kindness and assistance surrounding me right now, as I navigate uncharted territory.
I went to get my blood drawn yesterday and released all of my medical records to my new provider. As soon as bloodwork comes back and medical records are in, we will sit down again and she will get things in motion.
In the interim, I am scheduled for radiology imaging of my pelvis, and mammogram on Monday evening.
I am awaiting a second referral for my pelvic exam and my pap, which will be done under sedation. As soon as that comes through, I will schedule for it as soon as possible.
I am awaiting biopsy results and my follow up after my colonoscopy and my endoscopy. That follow up with my surgeon is scheduled in couple of weeks, to go over all of those results.
I believe that’s all I’ve got right now. I am uncomfortable and managing my pain. I have the most amazing partner, helping me through all of this. I have the most amazing medical team, working from so many different angles, to help me to get answers and relive my fear and pain. I have some pretty amazing friends…my Ohana…carrying me when I can’t find it within me to carry myself. To each of you…thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Last evening, after an emotionally and physically taxing day, I backed my car into my car port, and I got all of my shit, hugged my girl, and we were just about to head to the house. Thank you Jesus! I was finally home and ready eat, as I had been fasting all day for bloodwork…to crawl into bed, to relax and reset and cry…and then I saw it…a screw in my right front tire…
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I almost had a meltdown right there, in my carport, in that moment. Fuck! Living where we live and driving what I drive, I thought it unwise to leave it overnight and hope for the best…and so, I headed up to the house, nearly in tears, unable to even speak to Tamara about my day, dropped off my shit, refilled my water and headed to Zuzax to get it fixed.
I arrived safely at the garage in Zuzax, and I was so thankful. They came out and took a look at my tire and could not plug it because he said, “those tires are done”. I knew that…I have known that for a while, and I just didn’t have the money, so I waited…praying for a few hundred more miles out of them. He suggested I take it to Albuquerque and get the tire replaced, and so I did.
Driving and praying…tired and hurting…I arrived safely, and I was thankful. “That tire is so badly worn that we cannot repair it. You will have to replace it. You will need two tires, and four would be optimal, as they all look pretty worn.” To which, I needed to step outside…I needed a moment, or two or ten….
Sadly, my life decisions have not afforded me the luxury of having a credit line to cover four tires for my vehicle. My career choice does not afford me the luxury of getting accepted for credit to cover that kind of expense either. All of my resources combined, left me coming up short.
I knew what I was going to have to do…what I’ve had to do so many times before…I was going to have to call my Dad. Only this time, I really didn’t want to come to him with this. I pulled balances on all of my cards and accounts combined…nope, not enough to cover it.
That moment…combined with the pain I was standing there in…that moment changed my life…and I wasn’t ready for it. I knew that the moments before and the moments in between, all of them…were different than they had ever been. I knew that my Mom would not be answering that phone, and I knew that the Dad I have always know, would not be answering that phone either. For those reasons, I did not want to make that call and I tried everything, and I mean everything I could think of, not to have to do that.
With my car sitting there safe…with me standing there safe. I thanked God. I tried to stop the tears welling up in my throat, to no avail. My Mom came to me and told me that she put that screw in my path, so that I would get those tires replaced, before I got killed blowing one, especially a front one, in that monstrosity. My Mom said to call my Dad…”Coral Dawn, call your Dad…you have always been able to call your Dad and I…call your Dad baby…” I still didn’t want to, but I called my Dad anyway, because my Mom has always known best. Weird thing happened though…I thought..I called my Dad, and Fred answered.
I am just going to suffice to say that Was one of the most difficult calls I have ever made in my life. I have never called my Dad and gotten the responses I’ve been getting lately, and this call was no different. The difference to me was, that in all of my pain, in all of my fear…in all of my grasping to keep working through this, I was greeted with Fred, not my Daddy…and my badly broken heart, just went ahead and shattered completely.
I love my Dad, with all of my heart. I really, really do and I always will. I do not love the way that my Fathers decisions have affected and impacted me. I do not love the way I feel, trying to hold on, long after he left the building. I do not love the way my Moms decisions and things have not been honored. I do love my Dad, so please let me be very clear…I love my Dad.
I have had a silver fucking spoon in my mouth for my entire life. I have been of privilege and I have been blessed. I was raised that when I needed help, I called my Mom and Dad. I have always called my Mom and Dad, when I really needed help and I have always been helped. Help never had many conditions, as they always said that’s what they were there for, and they were glad to help. I was always so grateful that they helped…I can’t tell you how many thank you cards I found amongst my mothers souvenirs, from me, for their help. Silver spoon and all, I have lived in abundant gratitude.
Yesterday, and several months prior to yesterday, those calls have not been received the same. I never once felt like I really shouldn’t call, guilty for calling, bad about myself for calling…ashamed or worthless for calling…if I had, I wouldn’t have kept calling. Yesterday though…I accepted what I had already come to know in my heart in October…those calls…they are no longer the same. Nothing is the same.
I will take this opportunity to reiterate that this is my blog and that I am writing to heal myself and to release from inside me what no longer serves me. I have no ill feelings. I have no malice. I write to harm no one. I write to heal myself. In my healing, I will speak my truth, even when my voice shakes. There is nothing that you will read about how I’m feeling where my Dad is concerned, that I haven’t already said to my Dad. Not one thing. I am on my journey and I am writing about my journey…in nothing but love, light and gratitude. I send all that is no longer valuable here, back to the universe, to be recycled for the greatest good of us all.
I have some amazing new and safe and more freeway friendly tires on my vehicle, and I am so thankful. I have nine months to pay them off, and I am deeply grateful.
I have lost my Daddy…very soon after I lost my Mom. I am distant, no longer completely estranged, still somewhat strained and unfamiliar with my little Brother, and I am so thankful…so thankful that we are no longer completely estranged.
I am happy for Fred. I wish he and his new bride all of the happiness the world has to offer them. I have no ill feelings, just a lot of feelings I’m not sure what to do with just yet. I will not be present at his wedding, as they chose to wed in the only place in the entire world that I will not go.
I love my Dad. I will always love my Dad. I am just learning how much of Fred and Sherry was, in actuality, Sherry. As I said, I’m just figuring out how to navigate my new reality…and I’m a little fucking lost..a lot fucking sad and not feeling well at all.
With all of this being said, I will be taking on new clients, who are in alignment with the work that I have to offer in the world, clients who are willing to pay my hourly rates and clients who believe in me with all of their hearts. I am manifesting abundance as I release my reliance.
I am healing while I am am allowing myself to finally shatter completely. I am blowing out any illusions and inviting all things in my life that are not in my highest good, to leave. I hold no one. Never again, do I hold anyone, for any reason, ever, who does not want to be in my life. I invite friends, family, acquaintances and strangers, clients and peers and readers to stay, as you feel inclined and empowered leave of you do not. I never, ever want to feel tolerated or merely put up with again. I am valuable, knowledgeable and insightful. I am kind and compassionate and loving. As Nahko puts it best…”my enemies swim close to me”…and they have for my entire lifetime. I am peaceful as fuck, and never leave home without my sword. I do not leave to chance, any longer, your love. I must feel it. I must know your heart has good intentions, or I will not dwell here.
I thank you for being here. I thank the powers that be and my Mom for safe passage. I thank God for carrying me when I struggle to walk. I thank Tamara for being my rock, for being my strength and for accepting me unconditionally where I am at…for all that I am and for all that I am not. I thank my Sister, my Brother and all who call me Ohana for loving me. Sigrid…part of my very heart, for walking the road less traveled with me. Shawn for the fight to hold on, when letting go was no longer an option…I’m glad we’re finding our way back. JiSan for carrying Shawn. Fred for the hard lessons that will surely become abundant blessings. Sam for trusting me to navigate some of this for us, even though she has plenty to say. Thank you Sam for honoring your heart and for holding your tongue.