Good early morning. I could not sleep and so I write. Tossing and turning and writing in my head, so I thought I would get up and get to writing.
I want to begin by thanking you for being here. I know we are on a treacherous journey right now, and I thank you so much for hanging in here with me. I believe in the good things coming and I am fucking ready!
As I suspected, I am not the only one in my family who has been hurt badly. I have not been the only scapegoat. I have not been the only silent sufferer, threatened to silence, abused, betrayed and horrified. I knew, deep in my heart, that I could not be the only one. I am not the only one. I hold sacred and safe all confidence placed in me, always. I am here to tell my story and to encourage others, only if and when…if and when, they are ever ready…to be a source of support and inspiration.
I will say that my heart is troubled and burdened by the things I am learning about my family of origin. I am sad and sickened by the disregard for life…human life, lives of sentiment beings and helpless children. As I am unlearning so much of what I was taught, I drop to my knees and ask forgiveness, for not knowing what I didn’t know. I humbly stand here and say to you, that I have been wrong and I am so sorry.
Over consumption, over consumerism and blatant ignorance and alcoholism. Inability to hold down a job or choose a career path. Unwillingness….or rather the complete inability to be in a truly loving and monogamous relationship.
I have had many partners and I have loved them, every single one. As I travel down memory lane, I have loved some ladies, and I have loved them deeply, as deeply as I could. I am learning that loving Coral must have been like looking for the pearl in an oyster….it may or may may not be in there and If it is, it’s sure to be the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen…if you can ever just get to it.
I’ve been a crusade for many, who wanted so badly to save me. I have been a charity case for those who could only feel sorry for me, and never were able to truly love me like a verb. I have been left, with only a couple of exceptions, where I decided to go.
I decided to go when my “girlfriend” raped my dog. I decided to go when I was so defeated, attempting to be a step-parent to children whose own parents walked out on them. I left to protect children from the short circuit side of Coral, which I now know as Sam, who never got to be a child herself. I parented the only way I knew how, the way I had been parented and boy did my Mom jump in the middle of me for that. My Mom fucking tore into me and said horrible things to me about how I should not be a parent, how I was too militant and too rigid. My Mom…my parent…was my toughest critic and I never hit the mark. I look back now and she wasn’t wrong. I was hard, rigid, intolerant and unforgiving. I expected perfection and I insisted upon manners and rules and respect. I was hard because I never knew that kids need soft. I did not know soft. There are no words to apologize enough for my shortcomings where children were concerned. I will start by saying, to any child who I didn’t let be a child, because I didn’t know how, I am so, so very sorry. For my intolerant nature and for my inability to be who you needed me to be…I am sorry, with all of my heart. I don’t ask for or expect your forgiveness. I only put this out there now to acknowledge the mirror in front of my face. I have been wrong and I am so sorry.
To my lovers, all of whom I loved so much…as much and as deeply and as true as I was able…I am so sorry I was never able to give you all of me. I am sorry that the parts of me I did give you, I gave you with the help of alcohol. I couldn’t open me at all, not even a crack, without alcohol. I wanted to be with you so badly, to share myself with you and to love you “right”…to make you happy. I tried, so fucking hard…too fucking hard, didn’t I? There are a couple of you that I would give almost anything to sit down with and to heal with and to forgive and be forgiven. My requests have been denied and I respect that. My amends, met with blame and vengeance and your wish for the unhappiness I deserve…the unhappiness that I caused you. To the husbands whose wives I have been with and the failed marriages that I am single-handedly to blame for, I am sorry. Odd how every single one of you, married ladies, came to me…even more unsettling is that I did this more than once, truly believing that there would ever be another outcome. I accept full responsibility for the poor decisions I have made…decisions that hurt people who did nothing to me, husbands whose wives fell into my open arms, women who loved me more than I was capable of loving them. I put all of this out there and I ask for mercy and forgiveness for not knowing what I didn’t know, for being less than you needed me to be. I offer you my forgiveness for not knowing what you didn’t know and I love you just the same.
To all of the ladies who while with me, ended up pregnant, all four of you…I’ve still no words. I took your blame. My fault that you were pregnant. I went to the abortion clinic with you and got assaulted with you because you said it was my fault you got pregnant and I believed you. You asked me for a divorce, because you didn’t want to do this anymore…days after you moved out and took everything I owned, I found out on Facebook that you were pregnant. I’ve never seen or spoken to you since, but you sure did have a field day with me, didn’t you? And you had me arrested and I carried all of our sins, so that they would t take your child away from you. I went downtown, so you wouldn’t lose your son. The entire time, you were with child…I didn’t know. I plead guilty, because I was wrong. I have a criminal record for our sins. I have scars and a mug shot and I will always have those things, as you will always have your sons…the one I saved for you and the one you were carrying when you had me arrested, filed a restraining order against me and went and gave my keys to my Mom at work. And you…pregnant at least once while we were together and you fucked someone whom I loved and trusted with my whole heart…and I begged you…pleaded with you and threw myself at your mercy…to be forgiven for my anger towards you. You lied to me, at every turn, about everything and I begged you to forgive me. You never forgave me.
So have I been wrong? I have been so wrong, so many times. I have desperately tried to be loved. Loving has always come easy for me. Being loved…I haven’t been able to find unconditional love. Conditions and stipulations…mind fucks and infidelity…pregnancy and cops…I guess you could say that I have never really been somebody who anybody ever wanted to keep around.
There are three of you who I love in spite of it all…three of you who reached my very soul in the time we spent together.
You were my first and you will always be a piece of my heart. You and I, we loved and learned and fought and fucked…made love… and laughed and cried…and you loved me. You always loved me and I know you still do. For whatever it is worth, I’ve always loved you too. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For how you loved me when my Mom died and for how you have loved me since, I am eternally grateful my friend.
And you…how many lifetimes ago has it been? How many decades since I found comfort and solace and acceptance in your arms? You loved me through the eye of my storm, right in the ugliest part of my addiction. You loved me in spite of me. You held me close and nurtured me and chose me. I was given an ultimatum and I chose my parents over you and your kids. I later chose another, over you, and lied to you about it, just to get away…just to escape, to be free of all that I could not fix. I’ve been free of you for years and regretted deeply, the connection I severed to your heart, the hurt I caused by being everything I asked you not to be. I love you and I am sorry for how I hurt you. You did not deserve to be treated the way that I treated you, and I was wrong. My Mom, on her death bed, asked me to apologize to you, for the ultimatum she gave me, in which I chose her and my family, over you and our family and our love. Up until that moment, my Mom never even allowed conversation around this. In this moment, as my Mom was about to die and you were long gone, I began to realize the fallout that was begin to unravel my entire existence…I was about to have to try to begin piecing my life back together…making my amends and praying for peace and forgiveness. I respect your decision to be free of me and the hurt I caused you. I finally forgive me for how I hurt you and I hope someday maybe you can forgive me too. I thank you, from the deepest place in me, for carrying me out of the turbulence of my own storms. I love you and I thank you for the time and energy you spent loving me, just when I needed it most. Thank you Thank you. Thank you.
You…how do I even write about you? “Teach me one of them harder lessons…”All of that love…all of that hurt. The betrayal and the addiction…the longing to be And the harsh realization that we weren’t. You captivated me…engulfed me and mesmerized me. You held…you hold a piece of my heart. We fought so hard to place ourselves in the future someplace where being together was possible. Our dreams over hours of cheap wine and cheaper beer and countless packs of cigarettes…the millions of miles we traveled in that garage, journeying hand in hand…heart in heart. The world problems that we solved and the hurdles that we jumped together…and then one day, unbeknownst to me, you chose him. You never admitted that to me and I did not hear it from you but I heard it alright…over and over, I heard all about you, going back to him. Of all of the girls I’ve loved before, you are the one girl who almost took me out. You are the one girl that I was sure, absolutely sure, that the hurt would kill me before I got over the hurt you caused with your betrayal and your angry and pointed words. Your last words to me, in response to my amends letter to you, clearly stated your contempt for me…the blame you placed entirely on me for the failure of a once perfectly good marriage, and your disappointment in me for having to surrender my dog…our dog…the dog that adopted me on our freedom ride…my soul dog who we kept at my house because he couldn’t be at your house, until we could have our house…do you remember that? You gave him up to me when you left me to return to your marriage. Years later, I returned him to you, as I promised you I would, the day I brought him home, if I could not keep him, for any reason, ever. The words you said to me, for honoring that promise, almost broke me again, when you said you lost all respect for me for giving up my soul dog. I have held all of this…I have carried all of this…I have apologized, far more than my fair share, for all of this. Today, I tell you that I had to give up my soul dog because the girl that sought me out, over a year after you left me…after you destroyed my life, after over a year of taking from me…taking me bit by fucking bit, after she stole from me and my fucking identity…after she lived with me, without paying a dime, for anything…and I couldn’t kick her out, until I found her fondling my soul dog…she sexually abused and violated my dog. I found out about it. I kicked her out. In that moment, for violating my dog, not for violating me…for violating him..I told her to get the fuck out. When she left, she took all of her things and a great many of my things.
Afrer she left, I tried to make it right, to heal with him, for him….him. I took him with me, away from that place, my house…my home, where it happened. I could not take that out of him…out of me…I could not, not see that and all of the hurt like that, that happened to me, every time I looked at him. I started having contempt for him, because of it. I talked to him and I asked him what to do. We decided, he and I together, and God, that we would take him to you, because he trusted you, as much as he always trusted me. You said you would help him, if ever I could not, and I could not, anymore. You took him, just as you said you would. I never saw you, as you made sure of that. That hurt a lot, as I was still under the illusion that I was taking him home…to be with you. I took him to the place where you destroyed me and my career, to surrender him, form in hand, because he had been sexually assaulted by someone I trusted to live in my home, to sleep in my bed and to care for him. I wanted better for him and I let him go because I loved him that much. I never stopped loving or trusting you and so I took him to be with you. I said nothing so that the stigma of it…the horror of it, would not follow him. I kept that with me, as I let go of him, to be with his other Mom, just like I promised. You, his other Mom…judged me, for what I had to do, the only thing I knew to do, to keep him safe? What did you do with him, after I returned him to you? Where is he now?
I have allowed you to control me, to occupy space in my heart…my very soul, long after you left me. I kept quiet, our secret relationship, because although getting divorced when we got together, you decided to stay married to him, and never even told me. I never said a word, until years later, after I was confronted. At that time, I knew you had spoken and so I slowly began to speak too. I had to quit my job, because everyone hated me…many of them still do, for what I did to you? I never asked, I just apologized…and I’m asking now ( just curious and not like you’re reading my blog, as you were very clear that you want nothing to do with me). What did I do to you? To the universe, I ask, so that I may be better…and because I’ve never been able to separate it all and you never would tell me, what did I do to you?
I love you just the same. I really, really do…love you just the same. Today though, I just love me more. I accept full responsibility for my actions, for my addiction, for my interference in your marriage, that apparently was not ever really ending in divorce, at least not while I was in the picture. I accept what is mine and I am sorry for any pain I caused you. You know my heart and so I invite you to take some healing from this. Take some love from this . Take the lessons and the blessings from our time together…the magical moments and the soul sharing moments and fill your heart with the good stuff. That is what I’m going to do with us…I am going to go out and love some more…I’m going to go out and be better and do better and love and be loved. I invite you and encourage you to do the same…go out there and love and heal and grow. Own what needs owning and release what needs releasing. Thank you for the lessons and for the love that we were able to share together in the fog of addiction and half baked decisions and dreams without fuel enough to get them off the ground. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I convinced myself that everything is my fault. All of it…my fault. I could not ever be sorry enough. All of these years later, and today, this moment, the day my Dad is getting married, I am sitting here, with all of this, and I am done being sorry. I am done blaming myself for everything. I am done carrying everything for everyone. I am done not being enough. I am done not being loved, like a verb. I am done crucifying myself for the sins of us all. I stand before each of you and I hand you back what is yours. For one last time, I am sorry…truly sorry for the ways I hurt you. I am sorry for not knowing what I did not know. I thank you for the hardest lessons of my life that have become, that are becoming abundant blessings. I return the responsibility that I took from you, in your part of all of this, to you. I forgive you, although you never asked or apologized, for any hurt that you caused me…intentionally or unintentionally. I forgive you.
I will remind you that I write to heal myself. I write to get all of this out of me…to open space for healing. I write because I’m free and without pain when I write. I committed to myself, in late December, to blog every single day, for at least one hour, for 365 days. I write for me and I share publicly because my entire life has been a fucking secret. I’ve no secrets. Anything I’ve not said, well, I’ve just not gotten to it yet or it hasn’t crossed my mind or my heart just yet…or it’s mine and not everyone else’s.
Hard stuff for me today…owning some shameful and huge burdens….and so I ask for your love. I give you my love. I take all of our love and I douse this blog with that love and I ignite it all in the warmest and most radiant, healing and powerful light, to heal and comfort us all. And so it is .
On this, my Dads wedding day, I send my warmest wishes to he and his new bride for a life of happiness and contentment. I offer my love and although not in physical attendance, I hope you feel me in your heart. Today, symbolically, and for the first time ever, I give you away. I walk down the aisle with you, by the power vested in me, and I hold your hand, until we arrive at your brides side, at which point, I take your hand out of mine, and I place your hand in hers…I release you from the burden and the expectation…I release you from the pain and the horror of being my Father, to go live your life as her husband.
As I turn around and head back down the aisle, towards my bride to someday be…I say a little prayer for us all, that we each individually and that we all, collectively, find our way to forgiveness, to peace…to love and light. We are all just walking each other home.
Today, I release, back to the universe, all of my expectation…all of my hurt and misunderstanding…my resentment and my anger. I set free anyone I have ever held. I set down what is not mine.
I send extra love to those who reached to me yesterday, and I thank you for validating me, for loving me and for choosing me. I choose you too.
To the only girl that really, really matters. To the girl who has my whole heart, now that I’m finally setting all of this down. To the girl who sees the Coral through the trees and who loves Sam and I through the storms…I love you, with all of my heart, with all that I am and I thank you for never losing faith in me. I thank you for loving me when I have not been able to love me. I thank you for taking the shit I’ve thrown at you and for not leveling me with shit of your own throwing. I love you for how you love me and for how we are learning to love each other. I admire and respect and honor your honesty and your integrity and our monogamy. I thank you for seeing me through my darkest days and for reminding me of what your Mom said to you about remembering your worst day ever, and realizing that you made it through and you are still here. I am still here too. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And with my longest blog entry ever…I am out! Have a beautiful weekend everyone! Love, love, love…