Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I am writing with Pranja this morning. I cannot even begin to describe the emotions I have gone through in the last 20 hours or so. I am going to try though, as it has been so powerful and life altering for me.
I had a doctors appointment yesterday morning and while I was waiting, I sent our friend a message to see if I could drop by and do some Reiki and lymphatic work on Iris. Iris was found on the streets, in heat and with her eye literally hanging out of the socket. Our friend came to the rescue and began the process of getting her mended.
Between the message about dropping in to give Iris a treatment and me arriving at the vet, my doctors appointment rescheduled and Pranja, formerly named Iris, was in a pappose across my chest hopping up into the FJ for her freedom ride home. Pranja is home with Tamara and I and we hit the fucking lottery!
I cannot begin to put into words just how much I love Pranja and how I feel her. My heart has been flipping between breaking and rejoicing for the last 20 hours. I look deeply into her eye and I see and begin to really know my own soul.
Our first stop was to go and meet up with Momma Tamara. Momma Tamara and I have been watching her story from the beginning. There was such beauty to behold the moment Momma Tamara laid her eyes on Pranja…all of that love flowing out with those tears…the release of al of that held emotion, the gratitude for prayers answered, that Pranja would find the best forever home ever. We all came home yesterday in that moment. We all had a freedom ride of sorts, as we laid our hearts and our eyes on one another in those first moments of our new life together. We are so blessed and we are so grateful and we are so committed to making the rest of Prajna’s life, the very best of her life.
I have been flailing and hurting lately. I feel attacked a lot and under siege a lot lately. I have been feeling bruised and battered…hopeless and helpless and worried. Sam and I have been stuck in that battered and tormented and tortured and broken little body of ours, unable to break free of its confines, until yesterday. Yesterday, when I took Pranja in my arms, I could never have imagined the love that would wash over me, the emotions and the gratitude that would flood me. On Prajna’s freedom ride yesterday, I began my journey, my freedom ride too!
Next stop…Aiden! Of course she would have to meet Aiden and of course, Aiden would have to meet her. Aiden will never leave her side. Aiden crawled between Tamara and I in the bed last night and curled himself around Prajna, and off to dreamland she went. Off to dreamland we all went. Taos by my side and Pranja on my chest…my girl on my other side and cozy in our bed, I believe we all came home a bit yesterday.
I won’t lie, I have always had big dogs. I have actually said that people should choose a cat or a dog…and not a cat dog. My ignorance still astounds me, and I stand corrected. Meeting Aiden shifted every perception I ever had of little dogs. Aiden is the biggest dog, with the biggest spirit I have ever met, in a four pound body. My last 20 hours with Pranja has only reinforced what Aiden has been teaching me…the greatest souls come in the tiniest and most crumpled up packaging. Pranja and Aiden…four pound power packs to inspire and rejuvenate us all.
I just don’t want to put Pranja down. I want her to know that she is safe and that Tamara and I will keep her safe always. I want her fear to subside and her little body to heal and I want her to feel the safety of being home, safety I am just learning to feel myself.
As I face my own demons and learn more about the things that happened to Sam, I vow with all that I am to keep Pranja safe, to keep Taos and Aliah and Rocky safe. I feel myself in each of them and each of them in me. We are safe and we are home and Tamara and I promise that the rest of all of their lives will be the best of their lives.
Pranja does not have to take one more step in this world without her protectors. Pranja doesn’t have to spend one more night alone and scared and cold…raped over and over and over again. Pranja is safe now. Pranja is home.
I have no doubt that Aiden had a huge role in bringing Pranja to us. Aiden saw a need and he set out to fill a gaping hole. Aiden was a foster, for a quick minute and his Mom, forever labeled a foster failure, like so many of us. In my experience, that is how it always happens…they always rescue us, don’t they? Us “saving” them is a bullshit illusion…every single time. I have been far more gifted than I have gifted and far more blessed than I could bless. I have…we have…you have…been given an opportunity, every time you open your heart and your home and your checkbook to help another find their way home.
I have had difficulty being around my own Service dog since we graduated. I feel guilty for putting such a heavy burden on Taos. I hate the idea of Taos having to be in my constant pain and I have tried to protect Taos from me, by keeping us separated. Sam is blown out all over the fucking place and her pain penetrates everyone in her path right now, especially Taos. I know it’s not the right thing and yet it’s all I’ve known to do, in all of this pain. I need Taos and Taos needs me and we’ve got this…I’m learning what Taos has always known…we are right where we are meant to be. We are on time, aren’t we Nahko?
Sam and I have been discouraged and living in fear for a lifetime. Sam and I have hidden behind recliners and under coffee tables and in the furthest corners of the darkness to feel safe. Sam and I have closed our eyes so fucking tight, just to keep the ugly out. Sam and I get Pranja. Sam and I are Pranja. You are Pranja and Pranja is you.
Sam is rising up, with her whole heart, with a lot of help from her friends. Sam will not be silent about things that matter to her ever again. Sam speaks for Sam.
While Watching Pranja have little nightmares last night and gently waking her and loving her through them, tears rolled down my face, as I too, have nightmares like that. I held Pranja on my chest to feel my heartbeat and we slept.
Looking at Prajna’s badly battered little body,I cannot help but notice my own. Keeping her from licking her spay scar, reminds me that I will soon have my own spay scars. Seeing and feeling Prajna’s resilience and her persistence gives me renewed strength for my own journey. We are all just walking each other home, as Pranja just reminded me.
Pranja and Aiden say that if you want to run with the big dogs, you’ve got to be larger than life yourself. If you want to heal, you’ve got to come in out of the pain.
I could not be more thankful or more blessed than I am in these moments, with Pranja on my lap, Taos by my side and my girl getting my coffee for me, so that I can head off to see my clients and Tamara can do her amazing work in the world.
The lowest lows bring about opportunities for the highest highs. I am going to ride this high for a bit, as I thank God for my beautiful and absolutely amazing life! I am so blessed and I am so thankful.
Welcome home Pranja! We love you!