Good morning everyone! I have been in a tough place for a few days and to be real honest, I am fucking sick of how this feels. I really, really am. Therapy yesterday was one of my most difficult sessions in years. Seeing my therapist cry and struggle to process the atrocities of my life…it’s pretty fucking surreal, I’ll tell you that.
I want to ask you what you do with the unconscious people in your life? You know the ones, they are physically in their bodies, so we recognize them, and yet, they aren’t in there at all. Conversation is completely void of substance. Eye contact is non-existent. Agitation is ever present and you just want to be done, so you can leave the discomfort of the unconsciousness behind you. Desperately trying to rouse some familiar responses…painfully watching “nothing” take over what once was everything to you. Have any of you ever had to deal with someone literally leaving the fucking building and yet standing right in front of you? It’s a mind fuck, isn’t it? I mean you see them and you can even touch them, and yet, you absolutely cannot reach them anymore. Totally opposite of what I’m feeling with my Mom. My Mom has physically left the building and I cannot see or touch her, and yet, I feel her right here with me. So, it is fair and safe to say, that I am struggling. I am hurting. I am a little lost and very sad. What do we do with the unconscious people in our lives?
This topic is front and center for me right now, as I am facing some really difficult appointments and decisions. I am having to battle myself every single fucking day, repeatedly, to stay in my fucking body. Do you know how difficult it is to stay inside a body that screams and writhes around in physical and emotional pain, day in and day out? Many of you do know, don’t you? How do we endure the pain we must endure, by staying physically and emotionally present in places that we couldn’t flee from? We stay here, and m these racked and beaten down and exploited and dismantled bodies, so that we can feel what we need to feel, one last time, so we can release it for once and for all.
You have to be mindful as fuck to stay, don’t you? Mindful as fuck to endure, again, pain that no one should ever have to endure in the first place. Switching to “I” statements now…
I am finding that the only way to release the pain of my past, is to sit with it, sit in it…be present and open with it…invite it in for a spell and resolve it so that I will finally be able to release it, once and for all. Pushing pain away from me has only increased the momentum of the backlash that hits me when it turns around, Tsunami style, to throw me back into the great abyss.
Whatever physical things are happening in my body right now…all of the scarring and the obvious signs of years of abuse and neglect…all of those things are the cursor for something much more significant to me. My pain is my invitation to heal. My pain is my body mustering every last bit of strength, to go to battle one more time, to slay these fucking demons, for once and for all. I invite my pain to liberate me from my pain. This battle, these scars…this fight…I fucking own these things… I have carried these things for a lifetime. I walk into this pain, to set it all down, to leave it…to heal from it and to be done with it.
My Mom died of Stage 4 breast cancer, with metastasis to her liver, her lungs and her brain. We did not autopsy her. We couldn’t handle that, not then…not on top of losing her from it in two months flat. We don’t know where else the cancer was. As her daughter; I am concerned. My mammogram was clear. I’ve been tempted to call those diagnostics good enough, and be done with it…to stop here and deal with this pelvic pain, to avoid the trauma and the pain I’m facing to get it all taken out. I battle myself every day, multiple times, to stay the course.
I have made the decision to have everything removed…to be spayed. Thank you to a dear friend, who gave me that, the day I told her, with tears in my eyes, that I was to have a full hysterectomy. In obvious pain and distress, she looked right at me and said, “So, you’re getting spayed?”….Fuck yes! I am getting spayed! The lighter side of Coral can appreciate that and the very scared little Sam sits trembling in fear and terror of losing one more thing…Sam does not want one more fucking thing taken from her….not one more fucking thing. Sam is a warrior and she is also fed up and tired and done dealing with the bullshit of others, the insensitivity and the disregard of others. Sam has had, in her own words, enough already!
To consent to having my entire female reproductive system surgically removed has been a glorious thing for me, as it’s brought nothing but pain and discomfort to me since I began menstruating…cramping and hemorrhaging year after year after agonizing year. I couldn’t be happier that, finally, after asking since I was in my 20’s, to be free of the pain that these organs hold, the trauma that they have endured. Get it the fuck out I say! All of the pain and the trauma and the scar tissue…all of the muscle memories and the lockdown systems…all of the hurt and the betrayal and the torture…get it all out…take this pain from me, for once and for all. I pray with all of my heart for this surgery to be the beginning of my healing…the door that opens directly into the amazing future waiting for me. I consent to the removal of all things that no longer serve me. I open my door from the inside and invite all things, not in my highest good, to go now. Peace be the journey and peace the fuck out!
Some of you have been chomping at the bit, haven’t you? Waiting for the invitation to leave…to not have to look at this fucking train wreck any longer…for that fucking door to open. You’ve been hovering over there in the corner, plotting and planning your release. I’ve been watching you…pacing back and forth, with your unfixed and darting eyes…wringing your hands and obviously agitated…just waiting to make your break, when that door finally opens…just a crack, so you can slip out, hopefully unnoticed. You’ve been planning for this for years, haven’t you? The day you could finally make your break, from the girl who destroyed your life, with her truth. Your know the rules, you have to have your release papers signed on the way out. You are free to go and you must follow the rules…something you have never done, have you? Well, it’s not negotiable…if you want out, hand me your papers and I will sign them and grant and secure your release. Sneak out the way you always do and you will be retrieved and brought back, to do this all over again. Your choice and I could care less, either way.
You are a fucking coward. Your have always been a fucking coward. You play by your rules, a game that you orchestrated and put into motion…a game that you have said, only you can win. You are right. Only you can win, because only you are playing…I’m out. I invite you to bring me your release papers now, so that I can sign them and grant you release from the fucking hell that you, yourself, created. Just give me your fucking papers, you fucking coward…You are getting what you’ve been waiting for…you are free to go. Please remember that this door only opens from the inside and that you will not ever, be granted re-entry. You’re lifetime pass has been revoked, effective immediately. All benefits are terminated. All keys, key cards, security codes and parking passes have been invalidated, effective immediately. Please walk through the door and retrieve your things. Your freedom…granted. My freedom…granted.
What do we do with the unconscious people in our lives? People who insist on staying in physical presence, even though they have been gone for many years…gone in conversation and in celebrations…gone in reality and only here figuratively. We grant them release. We open our door from the inside, we sign their release papers, we wish them well and we let them go.
I remind you that I write to heal myself and that I write to get it all out. I take the really hard stuff from today’s entry and I bless it with all of my love, as I release it all back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. Have a beautiful day everyone!