Good morning everyone and Happy Saturday! I really am sorry I’m so distant. I am struggling to stay tethered to the ground right now. Millions of words bouncing around in there and so few able to articulate themselves enough to come out.
With surgery really right around the corner, it feels like my body is using all of its reserves and back up, just to muster the courage to go through with it. Many breakdowns this week in pre-op situations where I just want to be like everyone else, without all of this fucking trauma. I want to go in for a blood draw and not leave there with 4 pokes and no blood…I have to be sedated to be put under anesthesia. To be honest, it’s all just a bit overwhelming right now. You’re right, I don’t want to be “normal” because I don’t think that normal even exists. I don’t want to be like everyone else. I am just really struggling. I am struggling as much as I’ve ever struggled and hurting as much as I’ve ever hurt and I am fucking worn out! Counting down for this surgery and the release of all that no longer serves me.
I have been praying and meditating on my surgery for a while and I have decided that I am going to take all of my pain, all of my trauma, all of the physical and emotional and mental scarring…all of it, and place it inside my uterus, before surgery. My pre-op work, other than what is listed on my orders, is to let that shit go! I have been gathering the jagged little pieces of my life and placing them in neat little packages, with the prettiest little bows, and all of the love in my heart, to be placed neatly in my uterus, to be prepared for their next journey. In this preparation, I have learned things that I cannot not know. I have felt things I cannot not feel. People have hurt me that I did not know had hurt me, in ways I cannot even speak of. My silence, my distance and my inability to write to heal myself, are all the result of these realizations. My distance and being rendered catatonic and speechless, I have come to know that a lot of people hurt me. My abuser is not a single person. Multilayered, multifaceted and too painful to touch on, and so I package this one with a special bow and a special blessing, and with all of the love and forgiveness I can muster, I let it all go. I place these carefully and lovingly prepared packages into my uterus, so that they may be released and set free on Tuesday, for once and for all.
My surgery to get spayed, is also a new beginning. When I come out of anesthesia and head into recovery, I will not be the same. I will be lighter and not so weighted down. Things causing me pain will have been detached, to be removed, just as all of my emotional baggage and scar tissue. I will go to sleep and rest peaceful and easy, while my surgeon, with all of her love and skills, takes out of me, what no longer serves me. I release everything that no longer serves me and send it back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. And so it is.
I have lived a life full of pain…I really have. Physical pain and emotional pain. I have been a wounded little warrior my whole life. I surrender to this procedure and all that it has to offer me, to begin my life, pain free and ready for the good things coming.
I take this moment to thank my body, and all of its parts, for how they have served me, for how hard and tirelessly they have worked, from the very beginning, to keep me afloat. I honor and cherish what God has given me and I ask for prayers for what is being taken, that all things that no longer serve me…all things…be released during surgery. I release all of my pain, all of my trauma, no matter who inflicted it, and I forgive those responsible. I forgive everyone and everything that has happened to me, knowingly or unknowingly, to cause me pain and harm. I forgive myself for any pain or harm, knowingly or unknowingly, that I have inflicted upon others. I release, back to the universe, all of my pain, all of my expectation and my desperate need for control. And so it is.