What do I do with all of this love? Truly, what an amazing problem to have! I am so blessed and so thankful for each of you.
I am at home recovering and so blessed for the amazing people in my life who have sent flowers and cards and food and love and hugs. I have my flowers right in front of me and all of your love all around me.
I don’t know a lot about hospitals or surgeries, as this is really my first. I do know that there have been some complications with my pain management, which I believe we have handled now. I began vomiting at 2:00am and have remained very nauseous all day, so I’m in bed, right where I belong, beginning my recovery.
A huge thank you to my girl Tamara, who is figuring all of this out with me. We are a hot fucking mess and we are handling it the best we can. I am sure I’m not the most pleasant in all of his trauma and pain. We didn’t make it to Pride again this year, and we missed our friends wedding today, regretfully…Congratulations you two beautiful ladies! We are so happy for you both to begin your amazing life together. We are with you in spirit and we celebrate you both on this, your wedding day. For everything and everyone who didn’t stay in my life…thank you, for you made room for those who really want to be here with us. I have spent a lot of time being hurt about those of you who have left, and those of you who haven’t left and yet aren’t still here…it pained me so much to have lost you and to not know why. I relalize now that there wouldn’t be room for all of the good things coming, if you were still occupying empty space in my life. So, I bid you farewell with my lady parts…be gone with you, back to be universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all..bye bye!
Social media has its place and for me right now, I am both sad and disgusted at all of the inhuman comments around the suicide of human beings. Who the fuck are we to judge so harshly? Who gave us the right to play judge and juror? “You’re not vegan…you torture animals…you deserve to kill yourself…really?”If you think this way, you can fuck yourself and remove yourself from my page and my life, as I will not ever, accept such commentary and harsh judgement about another struggling human being from anywhere. Vegans living compassionate lifestyles, while ripping troubled human beings to shreds…no thank you! People took their fucking lives and the lives of others and we somehow find it acceptable to destroy them further. Not to perpetuate this by being intolerant myself, and here to end it on my page, just the same. If you are not here to love, please leave. If you are one of the geniuses that un-friended my girl, and not me, and yet you’ve been nowhere in support of me in my recent difficulties, please go ahead and click “unfriend”on me too. I left you there because I feel awkward, not knowing why you would do that…not to cause waves in our tight knit vegan community…fuck that…truly…be gone. I am going to be very clear, I don’t do drama anymore. I may have participated in the past and I stand corrected. I’ve not the time, not he energy and not the desire to meddle in trivial bullshit that no one even knows what the fuck is going on in the first place. If you celebrate the suicide of anyone, for any reason ever, we have nothing more to talk about. This life is hard enough without me sitting here in all of this fucking pain, reading this filth and this hurt and this petty bullshit.
Tamara is the only one here with me right now…right here with me, every fucking step of the way, since our beginning. My Mom died and much of my family left and this girl, she stayed for it all. So if she doesn’t mean anything to you, that’s okay…truly…we aren’t for everyone and we know that better than anyone. We have social media for our business and Sanctuary pages, and we put up with a lot of bullshit on our personal pages because of it. We do that for the animals and I will be very clear, every time you go after one of us, you take directly from each of them, as we cannot be fully present. We cannot carry your bullshit and their water at the same time. We cannot shoulder you and what you refuse to say to bring clarity, and carry Baby Ahimsa’s bottle at the same time. Am I clear enough? Take your petty, unnecessary, life-taking and insensitive nonsense somewhere else. We have no place for it here, while we are trying to do our work.
Today, a friend that I consider both family, and a piece of my own heart, stood by my bed, holding my hand, as i writhed in pain. This friend of ours…this love of ours…loved me so much today, even though I have admittedly been unloving to her in the past, in our bedroom, loving us, no matter what. As I pulled my catheter out, this friend held space for my fear and my pain and she loves me just the same. I love her just the same too and we are right with each other, and that is all that I can concern myself with.
My girl dedicates her life to this Sanctuary and to every resident who resides here with us. All that she is and all that matters to her, matters to me too. So, if you have decided you don’t want her in your life anymore, that’s okay, just check me off too. I will not stand by anymore and watch this fucking shit show…I won’t do it anymore. It really is simple…I stand with Tamara. In all things, in all ways…I chose Tamara. Let that be known and made clear henceforth…I won’t sit in the discomfort of not knowing what to do any longer…I chose my girl every fucking time!
I logged on to Facebook on this day, to numb out a bit and to divert my pain and I come across vegans being glad someone killed themselves and I am fucking done. I see people on my page who have unfriended my girl and to this I say, bye bye..flying out into the universe with all of those severed lady parts, are all of the things that no longer serve me…off to be recycled, for the greater good of us all. Let me be very clear…On this day and on every day, I choose Tamara. If you don’t, I am sorry for your loss and I won’t make this difficult anymore, please unfriend me too. Please and thank you.
Now, I am going to take my meds and watch a movie with the most amazing girl in all of the land!