Good evening! I didn’t have it in me this morning. I have decided I will not live like this. I just won’t. I am going to get better or fucking die trying. I have many opinions and much input on what is wrong with me. From where I’m standing, there is some time between now and figuring out what exactly that is. In the meantime, I am going to live my life, even when the pain feels unbearable. I am going to get through this and I am standing by to see what that looks like. I will consult the one person qualified to help me to decide what to do, my therapist, who knows me and who I can hear me.
I will be 45 on Thursday. My Mom is dead. Since Mom got sick, I have been dead inside too. I am coming back to life. My Mom is not. I am sick and I miss my Mom so much. I miss my Mom when I am sick. I miss my Mom on my Birthday. No one knows what is wrong with me. I only know that something isn’t right in me. I was badly abused most of my life and I have severe CPTSD as a result of it. I think most of us probably have PTSD to some degree. I just happen to have a diagnosis. I will be with my therapist for six years next month. This relationship with my therapist is my longest commitment to anything ever and my greatest gift to myself. I went to therapy because the person I was dating at the time diagnosed me herself and wanted a therapist to confirm. Although her diagnosis was not the same as my therapist, she was right I did need some help. TodayI am grateful for her, as I have some help. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I had two new clients this morning. I know who the fuck I am when I am working using my God given gift, being an instrument. One of my instruments is using who I am and how I talk and what lengths I am willing to go to, to help others. My appearance, my often and frequent F-Bombs, my honesty, my integrity, my hard fucking truths…all of those things and my willingness to open my mouth, using Corals personalitiy, to allow God to speak, to heal, to help…to love and comfort you, through me. When Aiden says I need to come by, I never question him, ever. I never will. When Aiden tells me to pick up donuts on my way in town, for his girls, for his co-workers and his Mom for saving Tiny Dancer and to write on the box in my writing, using his words, I do not question Aiden. When Aiden tells me I’ll have to pay because he forgot his wallet, I call bullshit and I pay anyway 😘That boy has so much fucking swagger that if he went in himself, we won’t be charged a fucking dime! Aiden speaks and I listen. When Aiden didn’t feel good and I couldn’t help him feel better, I just went and did my best, my best just didn’t feel good enough and I cried. Aiden assured me that this one wasn’t mine and to just offer love and support. Pull heat he said. Pull inflammation…write and gather the masses, and do it with all of your heart he said, and I did. And then Aiden said to visit every time I can and I did. And then Aiden said trust yourself enough to tell her that she is the one who’s got this…this is her skill set and her gift, and to do whatever she feels is best, and I did. And she did. Aiden does not fuck around…he just doesn’t. Aiden will charm anyone he meets and many people he never meets, and he does it because Aiden is ALL heart. Aiden, at four pounds, was stolen and missing for twelve days and Aiden did not fuck around. Aiden blew his heart up so big that we all felt it, and we found Aiden because all of our hearts, beating for him, brought Aiden home. Aidens Mom, most of all because Aidens Mom is his heart.
Aiden says my blog yesterday was great and all but he can do better, and I say, “Go for it Aiden”…and here Aiden goes;
Coral wrote about great doctors yesterday, I think. (I don’t know…I don’t read her blog) and I just want to add to what she said about my Mom. My Mom is the best, and not like your Mom is the best…my Mom REALLY is the best at what she does, and at who she is. Your Mom is the best at what she does too I bet. Anyway, enough about your Mom…back to my Mom. My Mom is all heart, just like me. Coral didn’t say it but we found me by connecting hearts, me and my Mom, through Coral, when I was lost. Coral is crazy by the way. She is so fucking crazy, about me!!!! She loved me home with all of you, back to my Mom who loves me the most of everyone in the entire world. She can’t help it really, I mean, just look at me! Anyway, today, my Mom did what her heart said and I want to tell her thank you. When Coral said to you that you knew best, I told her to say that and not say I said it because you already know it. You just had to know you know it. Anyway, I love you Mom. I love you with all of me and you really are the best at everything. Coral can talk again now. Oh wait…I also want to say to everyone that I love you so much for loving me so much that I could come back home with my Mom. Your love and your faith and your dancing to the left…it matters. I won’t say coral words but it #%@ing matters. Okay coral, you can talk now.
Thank you Aiden. I didn’t see that coming, and like I said, when Aiden talks, I listen. When Aiden asks me to share, I share. This evenings blog post, brought to you by Aiden.
Have a great evening everyone! I love you and Aiden loves you.