Good Saturday evening! I hope you have had a beautiful day today! I had a beautiful day. So much love and hurt and healing and as though no time elapsed at all, as I sat across from my little Brother and his wife today. Lunch turned into dinner and it was nice to be with them.
My little Brother, my greatest gift when he was born. My best friend and my confidant through it all. My playmate and my soulmate, as we braved our world together. We dug holes to China and rode our bikes a million miles, around our block.
We grew up together and we loved each other deeply. I would do anything that protect my baby Brother. I would still do just about anything I could for him, as he has for me. We grew up together and then we grew apart. Time elapsed and we lost our Mom. We lost our Dad as we knew him and our “parents”. We did all of that separately. We have amazing wives who love us no matter what, and they held us together and held space for each other. Our lives, all of our lives, fucking shattered, obliterated and life as we knew it was gone. Gone in that ER. Gone at the oncologist. Gone at MD Anderson. Gone in Sadie’s dining room. Gone in that mortuary. Life fucking collided in that cemetery. We fell apart. Not a little bit apart…we fucking lost our way. Our Mom…our best friend…our compass and sense of direction…each other…our Father. Our wives…they had us…they still have us. Thank God.
Seeing my little Brother today gave me something back that I had lost. The piece of my heart that no one can ever fill…no one besides Shawn…that piece was sitting across the table from me, Broken like me…in the same Sadie’s where our family fucking shattered a couple of years, a lifetime, yesterday, a moment ago.
I thanked God all the way home, for my baby Brother…for some healing…for a knowing of the pain in his eyes that only I can recognize as my very own. The last person in the world I have ever wanted to see me hurting or unwell is my baby Brother. Today, sitting across from him stuttering and stammering and crying, in the most horrific pain, just to see his face, to spend some time…to be okay with each other…I just thank God for those moments today. I have missed you Shawn and JiSan. I love you. The four of us never stood much of a chance and so we will just have to begin again and forge our own path in love and compassion and kindness. We get to choose how we love each other. We get to say who we hug, who we love and how. We get to choose each other because we want to and I think that is pretty fucking great myself.
We have beautiful wives who have stood up for us, stood by us and scraped us up off of the ground, when our bottom literally fell out. We lost our way. We lost our ability to find our way. We kept trying. We made it. Now we just have to learn to love each other how it feels good for everyone. We aren’t “supposed” to do a damn thing…we get to do what our heart feels is right. We decide and I am happy for that.
I love you Tamara. I love you Shawn. I love you JiSan. We will figure the rest out as we go.