Good morning everyone. I am sorry I’m struggling so much and unable to come with it like I know I am able to come with it when I am well. I have a doctors appointment this morning with my PCP. They called yesterday and My MRI results are in. With all of your love and all of your prayers and all of our faith and belief in the good things coming, I’ve no doubt that today begins the clarity needed to proceed forward with whatever needs to be done to make me well and whole and happy again. I do not pray and ask you to pray because I am not praying my harderst myself. I believe and I pray and no matter what today’s clarity reveals, I know I’ve got what it takes to get through whatever I must. Right now though, having lost about 30 pounds and feeling like I’m being gutted at my naval when I move wrong, I have lost some of my strength. Having the chronic physical pain, heightened and exacerbated by the surgery and post op pain has put a girl down. This girl needs to get the fuck back up! This girl needs whatever powers that be, to align today, to set into motion whatever needs to be to get me healthy and well. I’ve not slept in many nights without waking up in my own slimy skin, soaked clothes and hair and sheets and blankets…in my own stench, which isn’t mine at all…it is a foreign to me foul smell, soaking wet and feeling like I’m going to be ill…quickly followed by a bone chilling freezing cold and my teeth chattering uncontrollably, as I begin to cry, too exhausted to get up again and clean me up and get me dry and begin again. So lying in my own toxic waste, feeling like I’m freezing to fucking death, I shiver and cry myself to sleep.
In all of this Tamara has never left my side. Prajna has never left my side. They lie in the stench with me and lie awake sleepless, just to be near me. The toll this is taking on me is not a fraction of the toll is is taking on Tamara. 6 weeks they said and I took the first two weeks completely down and pegged myself for 5. I still haven’t really lifted anything, at least not with much assistance. I am back to crawling up into my car because if I move just like that, I feel like I’m being filleted wide open and gutted at my naval. Wearing pants hurts and the belt I have to wear to keep my pants on hurts even worse. Being around me is a fucking delight I’m sure, as I am in so much pain I can’t cook dinner without fucking it up. I can help a little better than the volunteer that didn’t bother to show up, not much better though. My girl, my soulmate and best friend, who loves me through the most painful and difficult of times… who is more than double-timing while I’m down…I love you Tamara. I am so sorry for how difficult this is for you. I love you more than anyone and I thank you with all of my heart for how you love me through and help me when I just can’t. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So today is the day for answers. And so it is. Today begins my journey to wellness, and so it is…however that needs to look. I will be in the company of my dearest and oldest friends. Sigrid is accompanying me to my appointment so that I don’t feel scared and forget stuff. Thank you Sigrid. I love you more than you know my super amazing silly friend. Thank you for always finding your way back, no matter the time and space, and for loving me more than getting caught up in holding me accountable for being always drunk and often insensitive and self-centered, in the days before. You are my dearest friend and I love you, so, so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Also have plans to meet one of my dearest friends I have known for almost 30 years for lunch, and I am grateful. I love this girl so much, for so long. Seeing her and the anticipation of seeing her has lifted my spirits and I am so thankful. I love you!
All if you…ever single one of you, who takes the time to send me love, especially when I am asking for so much lately, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you so much and appreciate you so much!
I am off to go get some answers and to begin my journey to wellness. Have a beautiful day! I love you.