Happy Sunday everyone. My medical situation has really taken over my life, and so today, other than to say that I would still really appreciate your continued prayers, love and support, I don’t want to talk about it. Not today.
Today, I woke up from dreaming I was headed to Sunday brunch on the Harley to my parents house. My Mom was in the kitchen with her back to me, pouring my coffee in my “Fred” cup. “Good morning Sugar!” My Mom hasn’t been gone three years yet …and I haven’t seen my Mom in a lifetime. The pain of the loss of my Mom is too much some days, you know? Some days Sunday Brunch doesn’t even feel like it was my life at all. Days like today, I can smell the coffee, like I’m standing right there, waiting for my Mom to turn around and hand me my coffee cup. I know that missing my Mom and me being so unwell somehow it just makes it all hurt that much more.
Today, I ask for a Sherry lesson about what to do when you don’t know what to do about anything at all anymore? Sherry said to pick a new lesson because she says that only I know what to do when I feel this way. What the fuck? And okay…How do I get better? Sherry Lesson for us all today is “What makes you feel better?”
What makes you feel better? I can hear her asking me this for some reason, very early in childhood. I was feeling sick in my tummy and nothing felt good. I didn’t want to think about how my tummy was hurting. What made me feel better was laying under our yellow stereo, with a turntable that played music that I could disappear into. I laid under the table, as close to my friends coming out of the speakers, as I could possibly get and I got lost in their world and forgot about my own pain. I inserted myself into their worlds and had their adventures. I closed my eyes and I left my pain to be with all of them.
I didn’t want to feel my head hurting and so I would lay in the front grass and levitate to the clouds. I would drift with them for a while, until my head felt lighter. I would talk to the bugs that came to visit me in the grass, crawling up the blades and they always made me feel less hurt in my head.
“Sugar, what would make you feel better today?” Tears rolling down my face, as I know I just vomited coffee grounds. I don’t want to say that because that makes me worried. Keeping it secret is never a good idea. What would make me feel better is to live today in the music and the clouds, with the bugs that come to visit me. Also, it would make me feel so much better if I can help Tamara like I used to today, even if I don’t feel good. Being with Tamara always makes me feel good, like there is always one person who won’t leave me. Being with Tamara is hard when I am hurting, for us both, because she has to work harder and get more and more tired because I cannot help. Today I just would feel better if I help Tamara anyway. What will make me feel better today is to be with my girl in the aviary, out in the sunshine. And so it is. “Go and do that Sugar. Go be with Tamara outside and feel better in the sun. I love you Sugar. I will see you in the aviary!”
Thank you Mom. I love you too. I’m going to go feel better. Happy Sunday everyone. Thank you for always making me feel better with all of your love. I hope you go out and feel better today too. I love you.