Good evening everyone. I have been pretty busy on this day and I am ready to read for a bit and go to bed. I had a doctors appointment this morning and one first thing in the morning tomorrow. I am feeling stronger and like I’ve begun to turn a corner. The work to get where I am going is not going to be easy. The trauma that all of this has triggered is pretty surreal and very painful, both physically and emotionally.
My Mom not being here and never returning is still unfathomable to me. As of late, I break down a little bit and sometimes a lot just trying to make peace with her physical absence. As her things make their way to their new homes, there are a couple of boxes for me that I just can’t bring myself to go pick up. I put time aside in my day to go to the cemetery tomorrow. I haven’t been is such a very long time. We will see what my heart allows.
I have lost a lot in my life, and nothing ever hurt me quite like losing my Mom is hurting me. I have never gone so far out of my way to find a place within myself to make it not so. I have never been so wrecked and unable to reassemble myself, so lost and unable to find myself, and so sad and inconsolable. I have never been so sick for so long and somehow missed her at every turn. I…my mind…knows better. My heart is deeply wounded though, to wake again today and to head to bed tonight without a conversation with my Mom.
I am blessed and there is no doubt about that. I have an amazing life. I have amazing people in my life. I have the most beautiful home in the mountains with the most amazing partner in the world. I love my life. Lately, as I go through what I must to live the life I’ve imagined, I must relive once more the things that most cannot imagine.
As we all walk each other home, let us not forget how we all carry something…we all hurt in some way that others may never know. Always be kind and you will always be right.
Good night everyone. I hope you rest and dream well. I love you.