Good morning everyone. I can’t sleep. I am in very an auspicious time in my life right now. I am wide open and sensitive as fuck about certain things. Other things, old and hurtfully repetitive things…monotonous and unresolving and stuck things though…I am setting that shit down.
My life feels like all of the dust that settled is being unsettled. All of the things I have let lie…they are resurfacing and showing themselves. The dust isn’t really in a thick layer anymore and you can’t write your name in it clearly anymore. The dust of my life is unsettled. I am unsettled. The stagnant stench of nothingness is being riled up by everything. Everything is being scrutinized and nothing can be done about what has been done. My body is being unearthed and reworked. Things are being touched and moved and altered, desperately trying to reach and end feel to trigger point some relief into the deepest untouched by loving hands places. Touch had not been positive for me. I can take a beating. We all fucking know that. You keep Kicking and I keep ticking. You hit and I recoil. You Slice and dice me with your words and I am so tired of how deep it penetrates that I can’t even stand back up right now. Everything in Coral feels to be turning inward, to be going silent, to be hibernating.
All of my life, every day, every single morning…I get back up. The fog of the trauma of it all keeps me anesthesized a lot, until I’m not and then I’m just fucking ripped wide open. I often find myself sitting in time and space, completely suspended and unaware of the world around me. I sit peacefully in these moments because they are my moments alone. Day dreaming my Mom used to call it…escaping…leaving…checking out and making nice I call it, until the violence and turbulence in me subsides a bit.
We have absolutely no idea what someone else’s journey is really like. We don’t know their struggle and yet I can promise you one thing…the struggle is fucking real, for all of us. The struggle to stay safely tucked back and protected in the familiar stench of hell os often the superior choice to change and the come forth into the great unknown.
Sexual abuse…physical abuse…verbal and emotional abuse…they leave some treacherous scars, don’t they? The words still linger and the scars all have stories. My right jaw had been dislocated for over a week from clenching down in pain. My jaw was broken by a blow to the face many years ago. You can visibly see that it’s out of its socket, and yet, because I’ve learned to live with it and pull attention from it, you may not even notice it. I lie here fucking with it, trying to get it to rest back into its place…not where it belongs, as it won’t ever fit there again. Broken ribs…busted jaw…fractured psyche…and I am tired, so fucking tired. Having intense bodywork with all of these pains resurfacing and all of these traumas revisiting is not for sissies, I can tell you that.
I don’t really sugar coat things….shit is shit…even coated in sugar. The stench of shit is never mistaken for smelling the roses, unless you were taught that shit was roses and roses are shit, and many of us were taught that. Many of us teach that.
Yesterday when I walked in Prajnas room, when she realized it was me…she came unhinged. I have never had another being, ever, love me so much. Snorting and running around to take in everything and everywhere I had been, she lost her breath and choked. All the while, trying to breathe more of me in. All the while, her little tail…her little rutter, going so fast and her heart close to jumping out of her tiny little chest. Running to her little water bowl to try to soothe her throat from all of the coughing, so she could come back and take some more of me in. I actually worry about her when she gets that worked up and I just hold her tight until her heartbeat slows down. I have never been so loved and so I just laid down on the floor and let her run around and explore and kiss and shriek. A little tear was in her eye and I wiped it gently away. I promised, like I always do, that I would be back. I hated, like I always do, to leave. I have never had someone love me so much and give me so much courage to do what I need to do. As she intently gazes into my eyes, with her eye, as if to beg almost…you’ve got this mama and I’ve got you. Don’t leave me mama. I didn’t leave you. And if I had my way, she would be with me always, and I would take her everywhere with me.
Prajna reminds me that we are all Just walking each other home. It pains me to walk away from the most unconditional and honest and sincere love that I have ever known, even for a moment. Prajna and my friend Sharp give me inspiration and drive to keep striving every day to be better than I was yesrerday….to keep on keeping on, even in the depths of my despair and the pain I am in. I love you P mama. I love you so, so much. Thank you for how you love me unconditionally, with all that you are. You are the first one I’ve been able to love like this…and it’s new to me to be loved back like this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Have a beautiful Saturday everyone. I am headed back to sleep for a few hours before clients. I love you!