Good morning everyone! Welcome to the healing room. I began blogging in December of 2017, as a daily commitment to myself. What began and what is evolving…I could not possibly have imagined. My blog became our blog and this became our healing room. We come here to heal together. I began to worry about my content a bit…honestly because there is some hard fucking stuff to read. I didn’t want to make you all sad and sick and worried and I started to pull back a bit. And then I stopped and remembered what this blog was in the first place…this blog is a commitment to myself, evolved into a journey for us all. I want to remind you to take what you need from it and leave the rest. If it fuels you and feeds you, then drink it all in. If it is too much and it pains you more than it helps you, skip that day. I can only write from heart center and some days for me, that is fucking pain staking. Some days I have a difficult time writing at all. Some days, it flows and inspires us all. Whatever day it is, I love you and I am so glad you are here. I thank you so much for sharing in my journey and for being on this crazy ride with me.
I am finding that my solitude is most comfortable for me right now. My inward space is my cozy space. I try to venture out and find myself stuttering and stammering and feeling really awkward. I am flighty and ungrounded in all of this pain and I feel anxious a lot and like I just want to lie down…right here, right now…don’t care where…I just need to fucking lie down. So, all of these not so Coral things that are going on with Coral are a bit much for Coral, if that makes any sense at all.
My malas and my meditation, my reading and writing…beginning to draw again…my quite time in prayer and my solitude…quiet time with Tamara and our beautiful companions…that is where I feel the most okay. Reading is my new hunger and I am satisfying these cravings with amazing books loaned to me. These books are aligned with my purpose and I am so thankful for the time I have with them. I have been gifted so much in the words I am reading, the insights and realizations. I carry these books around with me and I crave the moments I can sit quietly and learn some more. This has never been a common Coral practice, unless it’s a Dr. Seuss book…and then I have been fucking enamored!
I am teaching myself new things and taking pleasure when I practice enough to actually do them well. I am moving forward with what is needed to heal me so that I can have the life I have imagined. I am in relationship with the most amazing partner, who is here in the good times and all of the very hard times. I finally know I am home and that I will not be discarded like trash when she is done with me, because she will never be done with me and I am not trash. I can be me, even though both of us are stunned at who that person is sometimes. I can fall apart for years on end and she still loves me.
I am finding and assembling my tribe and I can tell you that the people I would have imagined would be coming forth are not. The people who have fallen away have been some of my deepest loves and my “forever” people, and they still are, only now, they are gone forever. Not exactly how I imagined my forever with them and the pain of that is beginning to dissipate a bit finally.
My Mom, gone from my sight. Yesterday, as I was about to flail into convulsions of pain and misery and hopelessness, she came as a white butterfly and stayed with me a spell, until I could smoke myself into a calm and relaxedish state again. My medication, the smoke that brings me down enough to breathe again… filled my lungs and my body and renewed my spirit a bit so that I could remain upright. I left before she could fly away because I just could not stand to see her leave me again.
My jaw has been dislocated this time for just over a week and I cannot get it back in myself, so I am off to see the most amazing and kind and compassionate chiropractor in all of the land, to tape my fucking face back together. I admitted hitting someone in the face, and I relayed how that felt for me. I too have been struck in my face, enough to break my right jaw. I can relay how this feels too. For as long as I can remember, my right jaw hurt. In massage school I was getting the worst headaches and they wouldn’t resolve. My instructor, Gurabhai, worked intently on me to some relief and yet the headaches were worsening. I went to my chiropractor and it was discovered for the first time, that my jaw was completely dislocated out of its socket. Thank God, was able to get my jaw back in the socket and then tape it into place every morning before my internship, so that I could graduate on time. I am blessed that when I called this morning she is getting me in to tape me back together.
So…with that I will close for this morning. I hope you have a beautiful and blessed day. I am off to get some relief so that I may show up for my pelvic injections tomorrow morning….as much as I am not wanting to go, I am so thankful that my surgeon and I have come back together and hand in hand on my journey to wellness. It is never too late to do the work to live the life you have imagined. Let’s get building, shall we?