Good evening everyone. Short evening blog after a rough therapy session this afternoon. This is my journal and so if you’re reading, I’m sharing. If you’re curious to know how three years later feels…I will be sharing as I am able and inspired to do so. If not, this post won’t be for you. I love you just the same. I really do.
I am going to be really open and honest here when I say that my heart cannot take another beating right now. I feel myself going into a hibernation of sorts…turning almost completely within. I have some learning and some reflecting and some growing to do. Lots of writing and Tamara time. This is the time for Tamara and Coral to make Tamara and Coral memories. I will not wallow in despair and depression three years later. Three years later though, I am ready for the lessons turned blessings and I must go inward for that.
I’ve much hope, cleverly disguised at first. I’ve still much expectation in my life. Not on purpose. I am making a conscious decision though, with that being said, to spend my time and my love and my life, in spaces that feel safe and nurturing and healing and authentic. Transparency is the key to Coral. If I can’t see through you, I have made a conscious decision to continue on my path. If you cannot be transparent, no matter who the fuck you are, I will not open to you. I feel deception. I feel dishonesty. If one plus one doesn’t equal two, my mind will mind fuck it to death trying to make it fit. When it will not fit, I cannot rest, as I know I am being deceived. My mind works that way.
My mom was in good spirits in this day three years ago. My mom said to me, as my head laid on her chest in that hospital bed, “Sugar, everything is going to be okay.” I don’t know what her definition of okay was and I won’t lie…I wasn’t pleased at her making light of the lesions all over her brain and body. Nothing fucking okay about that…not to me. Guess what? My mom was right. Everything is going to be okay. Okay is all in how you allow yourself to see and feel and be okay, isn’t it?
I am craving Tamara and Tamara and Coral time. I am craving Coral time to read and write and paint and draw…to go within. I am craving love like a verb and real, authentic and palpable love. My time is precious and I’ve much work to do. I will sit through this season and learn what it has to teach, which will keep me occupied and content. I will miss my mom. I will cry a lot. I will be thankful a lot. I will heal and grow and learn and teach a lot. I will see more clients than I have ever seen and be more fulfilled than I have ever been. I will make more money than I have ever made. My pain will be the catalyst for my transformation and like a mother fucking warrior, I rise to this. I accept the challenge. I ask what does not serve me and my highest good to fall away from me. I thank God for using me to carry out his work and I offer my full cooperation. And so it is.
I have a very heavy heart tonight…a sad and troubled heart and I ask for release, for rest and reprieve for that which is not mine to carry or concern myself with. And so it is.
Goodnight mom. Goodnight sun. Good evening moon. Thank you Nahko. Goodnight everyone. Dream and rest well. I love you.