Good morning everyone. Welcome to the healing room. Groundhog Day continues and since I need a fucking break from these seemingly endless tears, I am going to write a letter to myself this morning. I’ve no idea why or what it will say. I was just divinely directed to write a letter to Sam. Wow. Okay… let’s see where this goes.
You look a little shocked to be writing to your younger self this morning Coral. Breathe and take a couple of puffs and settle in. I can’t wait to read your poetry this morning.
Hi Sam. It’s Coral. I know I haven’t talked to you a lot lately. I want you to know that I am sorry. Sometimes my current situation, which turns out not to be current at all, but rather our past nipping at our fucking heels all the time; keeps me so sad that I don’t visit you or talk to you as much. I actually talk to you all the time, just not like this. I sat down to write and was guided to write you a letter and I am going to do my best. I love you Sam. Here I go!
Worldess and timeless. Archaic and ancient. Older than the stars and brighter than the moon is my love for you dear Sam. So many days I feel that I failed you and I stay quiet in shame. Why didn’t I protect you? I am you and some days I just cannot fucking make that click. That little girl of old should not have even survived all of that. You should not have survived all of that. How did we survive all of that people ask me, and I tell them that it is only because of you…only because Coral was able to break you off from the rest of her, so that all would not be lost. Sam and God. That is why Coral exists at all. Thank you Sam. I will never forget the day I broke you off. Actually I had completely forgotten until just now. We were crunched up in a heap in the corner, badly battered and beaten and scared fucking shitless…barely breathing. Not one fucking tear because we were not allowed to cry. You said to me that you could see this was going to be happening a lot and that you thought it best for you to handle all of this kind of pain. I said we couldn’t do that because I didn’t even know you and how could you be so kind as to take my pain from me? You must have pain and burden of your own. You said that it was hard to explain and that you actually did not have your own baggage. You came here specifically and for the soul purpose of carrying any pain of mine that would take the life from my body.
Sam, do you remember that day? Coral, today is still that day. What do you mean? Sam will always be that for Coral. Sam is warrior Coral about to re-emerge from the ashes and rubble.
I don’t think I am entirely sure what all of this means Sam and so I thank you and trust that I will find out in divine order. I hope that you know how much I love you for coming to save me. Samantha is how you introduced yourself. In the very same second you said that I may always call you Sam. Do you remember that? I should have just used your name and not had mine butchered and degenderized my entire life. Funny how I have always been more Sam than Coral on the outside, come to think of it. Tamara calls that androgynous…my appearance and the way I dress and cut or don’t cut my hair.
Anyway Sam, I do have to go get ready for work. You know, do something with this hair. I am glad I wrote you this letter so that I can say how much I love you and to thank you for carrying my too hard to carry and still stay alive stuff. I love you little buddy!
Always and forever and alpha and omega,
love Coral, your other half