Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday. I have a back to back busy day today, which keeps my demons at bay. Thank you Jesus!
I want to say thank you to everyone who reached for me yesterday. I fucking love you. I really do. I won’t lie…yesterday’s post was one of the most difficult posts for me to write and post. My mom will never be anything less than everything to me. My dad and my little brother will never be less than anything to me. The four of us are the family I came in with, my family of origin. My family was the perfect family for me. Somewhere somehow, we chose each other. My mom fulfilled her dharma and the three of us are still here fulfilling our own, just as each of you are.
I know what I need to know. I do not need to know more. I have been waiting for someone to open doors, shed light, offer answers, bring forth the magic keys. Here I am. Here I am to do all of those things for us. There are no shoulds or should nots. There is no right way. You’re not doing it wrong. You are worthy of being loved like a verb. If you’re not being loved like a verb, go somewhere that you are. Do not stay in darkness. Do not let someone “love” you and not really fucking love you….like where you can feel it, love you…like a fucking verb, in action, and unconditionally love you. If you’re not pretty enough, then maybe the wrong fucking set of eyes is looking at you because you are fucking gorgeous! Don’t believe me. Go look in the mirror at yourself. Those lines and those wrinkles and those huge fucking bags under your eyes…good job! Truly…great work…you earned every single one of them! You are oooking at a fucking miracle right now. Just look what God gave you and how God made you, in his image. Are you going to look in that mirror and tell God that he’s ugly and his teeth are all fucked up? Are you going to tell him that his hair looks like shit and he needs to shave? You do every day…tell God whatever shitty thing you say to yourself. God asked me to tell you that’s enough already. You are right where you belong. Cancer…yep, right where you belong. Remission…same thing..right where you belong. If you are somewhere that you don’t want to be, that you don’t belong though, you’ve the free will and Gods love and support to change it. That image in the mirror will change only when you change.
If there is someone in the other room right now who doesn’t love you like a verb, why are you settling for that? If you aren’t being loving the person in the other room like a verb, why are you staying? We settle and we get what we settle for, don’t we? Tamara and I work daily to be the love in action that we want to see in each other and in our world. We don’t always agree. I am rigid and hard and fucking confused…a hot fucking mess in a lot of fucking pain and I project onto that poor dear woman all of the time, as she does me. Difference is the only difference that makes a difference is that we are home and we both want to be here. Not every day…some days, we want to be anywhere but here…as long as we do it together and know that we aren’t going anywhere, we weather those storm pretty well together…she and I. In the other room is the woman that I have waited my whole fucking life for. For better and for worse and in sickness and in health. Our love and our vows are a daily practice and the paper that leagalizes it will come when the time is just right. The paper doesn’t mean a damn thing if you can’t live it and so we are learning to live our promise before we run out and make it and then try like hell to figure out how to honor it.
For those of you who did it the other way around and got the paper before you knew how hard it would be to keep the promise some days. I feel you as I’ve done that too. The promise wasn’t strong enough and the words weren’t powerful enough to hold together a relationship that two people jumped into without first getting to know each other and themselves with one another.
Has she fallen out of love with you and you feel it with every fiber in your being? How hard are you willing to try and how far will you go from yourself to be what she needs you to be? Is he leaving you after you fucking stayed for him? Is she fucking someone else, behind your back and right in front of your face because you’re her meal ticket and he’s her lover? We know. We feel it and we cannot not feel it. We so badly do not want it to be so that we try harder and we change and we fucking beg and plead and put out. Don’t do that. Never fucking do that.
Check yourself first. Are you in love with her? Truly and be honest with yourself…is she the one? Has she ever been the one? And ladies…is this the man that you stood up and gave your fucking life to? Is the man you couldn’t wait to marry? And when you look at her every night before bed, are you the most blessed woman in the world because you’re going to wake up next to her in the morning? I am. I am for sure. I’ve not been and I’ve known that just as well. You know too, don’t you? I wanted so badly to be the one for so long that I tried harder and harder to be who she needed me to be, until I lost myself completely and then she didn’t love me anymore anyway because I wasn’t the woman she fell in love with in the first place.
You will never be the one for him if he is not the one for you. She will never be the best wife in the world to you if you are not the best wife in the world to her. He will not stay faithful to the you he thought you were when he finds out you’ve been using him for his money for years, all why meeting your needs and living your life with the one you truly love. And to each of us…may we never forget…if they will do it with us…they will someday do it to us also. Odds are pretty high at least, that if he fucked you while he was married to his wife, he’s going to fuck her while he’s married to you. I’m so crass…and I don’t mean to be. Honesty really does not often come neatly packaged with a bow and a love letter. I don’t know your truth and I don’t claim to…you know your truth though and I’m here to encourage you to call it forth. Call forth your truth and then look at your life. Being an Amazing wife is the first step to having and amazing husband. Being an amazing husband who honors his wife above all others is a sure way to have an amazing life.
Go spend some time in truth today. Don’t worry so much about if he’s the one. Don’t worry about anything just be rigorously honest with yourself…are you the one? No one will be the one for you until you are the one for yourself. Start with some brutal honesty and then do what you need to do. This isn’t easy work. The easy work never yields the huge results. In our relationships, don’t we want amazing results? Be the change my friends. Be the change. I love you. Have a beautiful day.