Good morning everyone and happy Saturday. I have been writing this blog post in my head for days. Scattered and unorganized with thoughts that don’t seem to string together, and yet I believe they do after all.
Driving home on 217 last night, in the dark, Tamara and I saw I light flickering and flashing and then a dark figure stumbling into the road. We turned around and went back and that is where we met Jacob. I haven’t stopped thinking about him since and I believe he would probably be dead had we or someone not turned back. We are someone you know? Each of us is someone. Jacob is someone. Someone saw someone struggling and someone stopped to help.
Jacob was grotesquely intoxicated and stumbling and falling. Apparently he had fallen in the culvert and just gotten back up when we saw his flashing light. The light was dancing and crashing around, at the end of his unsteady arm. We spied it in a single second…a second that changed the course of Jacobs life…of my life and of Tamaras life. Jacobs story is not mine to tell and I don’t know his story, so I can only speak to my own heart and the night I was Jacob.
This story still hurts me. Asked to marry her in a drunken stupor doing Jager bombs on the patio of a bar somewhere…I said yes. Our relationship reflected the dysfunction that we didn’t even know we were in. Sigrid was with me that night and she wept when I said yes. I later found out why…I was just about to hurt in ways I had not yet imagined. Anyway, one night, My wife had decided not to come home again and I went out with a friend for dinner and some drinks. I was the bar manager downtown at Maloney’s Tavern and we stopped in for some drinks after we ate. Some drinks became more drinks and then shots and I was taking my friends shots for her. At some point, I wandered off and never returned to the patio where we were sitting. Dialing my wife to help me, and no answer for hours. Drunk dialing and getting no answer, I just kept walking, trying to get home. I ended up on the flyover at I-40, looking down at the blurry lights of the cars speeding under me, past me, at me. I kept falling and hitting my face on the guardrail. I finally ended up at Broadway and my wife finally answered at about 4:30 am and came for me. Drunk with her clothes inside out and cum on the corners of her lips and face, she came screeching around the corner in her rental car. I had ruined her fucking evening…literally and she was not pleased. We got home and she locked herself in the guest bedroom and I passed out on our bed. The next morning, I woke up with the worst pounding and unrelenting headache. I made it to the bathroom and began pulling the rocks and grass burrs from my face and the dirt from my teeth. Lots of dried blood and so much pounding in my head…so much pounding.
I was Jacob. I was fucked up over a fight with a girl who didn’t fucking love me anyway. As it turns out, my girl became pregnant during those nights of never coming home, clothes insideout from her nights of fucking. And Coral was a destroyed and hot fucking mess for months and months. My wife left me only moments before I left myself also. Like Jacob, I did not give one fuck if a car did hit me. In fact, I remember praying to God that a car not hit me, but rather a huge semi truck, smash me into bits and end it all for me.
Jacob and I staggered and tumbled and plummeted down the hill into a tree together. Jacob gripped my arm for dear life, as though it was all that remained in this world for him to hold on to. I pulled him up with the help of the tree we just assaulted and I just held him steady close to me. Jacob, like me so long ago, was drawn to the lights. I pulled him back and he begged for both me to hold him safe and to just let him go. Tamara was on the phone and the police and EMS began to arrive. Jacob saw his life fleeting away in those moments, as the questions began and the lights closed in around us. Standing behind him, I shifted all of my love and heart energy to Jacob and I’ve not redirected it since. I am going to ask each of you to do the same now, and to love Jacob through this. We really and literally are just walking each other home. I don’t know Jacob or his story and yet I am Jacob and his story is my story also.
Jacob didn’t know me and he didn’t know my story. I did get the vote of approval that lesbians are cool with him and so we made monumental progress in that moment, as maybe lesbians aren’t usually cool with him. Maybe his girl was at home fucking a lesbian and that’s why he ended up as he was last night? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. When you are loving someone with all you have, those labels and all of the venom that they held a moment ago just seem to vanish into thin air.
Love is a verb people…it really, really is. I fucking love Jacob. Tamara loves Jacob. Two girls loved Jacob when it mattered the most, as he was stumbling in the dark into a road that was about to take his life. Jacobs little light…he let it shine. “Darkness cannot drive away darkness. Only light can do that.”
All of my love to Jacob today, wherever he may be. Waking up this morning to whatever demons he has waiting, I step in and soften the blow for him, with allof my love and thanks that he is here with us this morning. I ask each of you to pause for a moment this morning and to say it with me…”I love you Jacob.” And so it is.
Happy Saturday everyone. Go out and be the love that changes the world today. You really are that powerful. Just ask Jacob. I love you! Have a beautiful day!