Good morning everyone. I’ve not been to bed yet. I couldn’t talk or sleep or stop crying. I couldn’t breathe. The letting go taking place took me completely to my knees yesterday. My life spun out of focus and I became dizzy and frazzled and wound up so tight that I couldn’t unwind. I came down here to come down, in hopes of returning to my life a bit calmer and more centered. I came down here so that I could go back up there when I released enough pain to not blow the roof off of our house. Pain like this…raw and uncensored…gut wrenching and life force robbing…pain like this releasing like a mother fucking power keg if I do not reign her in a bit. In these moments, in the aftermath of such heart wrenching awareness, I first felt like I had been hit by a truck. Followed quickly by nothing at all. And then more and more nothing at all. There is nothing that Edie Brickell and I hate more than nothing. “Nothing keeps me up at night. There is nothing I hate more than nothing.” All night down here felt like a whole fucking lot of nothing. Now, after the hangover…which is so fucking ridiculous, as I don’t drink anymore; I am settling into the okay of it all. Wrestling my demons literally all night long has made me tired. I was in battle all night long and I come to you this morning victorious. I finally slayed the demon that wouldn’t go down…I stand victorious over my rage at it all. We slammed and we thrashed and we hurled and we screamed all night inside ourselves. The rage boiled over and erupted into a volcanic molten lava that mother fucking drowned me last night. In the fire and the rubble and the discord, rage erupted again and again and again. I periodically peered out the blinds and up to our house, waiting quietly up the driveway for me. Seductive was the lure to her warm bed next to the love of my life. Teasing and taunting me as she spat in my face…rage erupted again and I settled back into the reality that it was going to be a long night for Sam and I. Longer if I ignored the rumbling inside myself that begged me keep my eyes and heart Coral. While rage tried to trick me again, into a slumber that would have insinuated my submission, I hurled myself again at her center and I raged on.
I raged inside and boiling over, at all of my expectations and my selfish fucking needs. I raged at my ideas of how things “should be” as rage tackled me at the gut and rolled me a few more times into oblivion; I refused to surrender. Of all of the things I’ve not wanted to be at any of this, is angry. I have dodged anger like a bullet headed straight into my heart. I have pushed her and stuffed her back so many fucking times, as anger does not serve me. Anger like this is dangerous, as it leaves me wondering why there isn’t a gun in my fucking mouth? Why do I keep coming back only to be pummeled again and again and again. The sharpness and quickness of one single bullet would surely be more tolerable than slowly killing myself the way I have been for my entire fucking life. That single thought kept me down here all night. One thought that the easy road would ever fucking meet the high road…or just one more hope. I stayed on the high road. I won’t lie, I am looking down at her depths and I see another bullet that I dodged. I peer over the edge as I gather myself to head up the driveway to have coffee with my girl this morning.
Yesterday had her way with me. Tossed and thrown across her razor sharp shards and left for dead. Only the dark and stillness of the night could keep the rage at bay. Only the Black night sky and the chill all around me could have anchored me in that storm. Only unshakable faith and a knowing at the deepest level, of who I really am, could have kept me here with all of you last night, as my world caved in on top of me. Only the love of a girl, up in the bed all by herself, could have been enough to keep this heart beating and this girl going. Tamara never once gave up on me and I won’t give up on me either. Tamara never stopped loving me and I am going to start loving me too.
I came here last night to slay a demon. I vowed not to rest until she fell. Last night I slayed her in a battle of intention and resilience…I intend to use my resilience for the greater good of us all. I spent my life leaving my anger pent up and pretty locked down. I won’t lie…when she escapes, there is no way of knowing the destruction she will cause. Last night I came down here to let her out…to let her rage and to let her go. Anger served me well last night. Anger gave me permission to keep fighting and the vision to change my course. Anger raged in a warrior soul, untamed and unmatched…and I let her, until she is done. I let her be angry. And so it is. Have a beautiful day everyone! I’m off to see my girl for morning coffee! I love you.