Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Let us share some happy and then let me be very clear…

Happy Thursday everyone! I hope you woke up happy. I know I often have not been happy and so I wish you happiness first and foremost this morning. Happiness that you’re breathing. Happiness that you look fucking amazing! Happiness that you woke up next to someone who loves you so so much. Happiness that you didn’t wake next to someone who doesn’t love you at all. It’s your happy…and I don’t know specifically what yours is…dig deep if you must though, for your happy because happy is this morning’s meditation. Grab your happy…grab your coffee…and let’s meet in the middle and form a huge circle!

The Healing Room is full this morning and we have standing room only, so pull in closer and tighter and let’s channel some happy. Fear not…if you just could not find your happy this morning, we’ve plenty to go around. In the middle of our circle, I want everyone to go up and put in their happy…all of the happy you can muster…hold nothing back…all you’ve got…and go…fill us up…overflow us and keep it coming. Right on. Thank you everyone for sharing your happy. Now, everyone who could not find any happy this morning come into the center of the circle with me. Don’t be shy. I see a few of you hesitant…like you’re not sure if you should come up. Come on up here with me now. We have a new circle inside our circle this morning don’t we? The perfect circle!! Inside we are supported and gifted by the outside. We are ongoing and we are connect. We are surrounded and we are loved. Doesn’t that make you happy? I mean that we have one another? Having you makes me happy…even on days when I can’t reach my smile…your love makes me happy. Let these circles remind us today of the support that we are and of the support that we have all around. Everyone in the outer circle take two small steps back and spread out a bit. Everyone in the inner circle step back and into the outer circle and let’s make one big circle. Now, Let us each put our arms around one another and let’s pull in close for a group hug. Hug tight and long and loving and true everyone. Give what you’ve got and take what you need. This is how we do it in the healing room. I love you and I thank you so much for being here with me and for weathering my storms with me…for loving me and for praying for me. I fucking love you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Have a beautiful day! Oh wait…I do have a housekeeping note real quick;

I would like to gently remind myself and everyone else that this is Coral’s blog. I began writing in December of 2017 as a daily commitment to myself to blog, without fail for 365 days. I have blogged every single day, without fail. As December approaches, I celebrate and rejoice in my ability to honor myself and I realize I’ve only a few days left of honoring that commitment to myself to be here, Blogging every single day.

I know who has been here every day since day one and I know who is here every single day, without fail…Thank you. From the bottom of my heart…truly…thank you so much for being here for me and for believing in me. I fucking love you and appreciate you so much.

I also know that in ratio to my followers, the hits on my blog indicate that most of you are closet readers. You read religiously and you do not want anyone to fucking know. Shame on you…do what you fucking want to do man…truly…in all things…YOU do YOU. At any rate, thank you for being here. I feel you and I know you and I appreciate you. Join me though, out of the closet, would you and subscribe to my blog if it means enough to you to read it like you do. Honor you. This has nothing to do with me. I rarely look at my stats unless I’ve technical difficulties. I want you to feel that you can do you after all of our time together, you know?

And then there are so many others of you that I want to thank for being here when you are here. I truly do appreciate and feel the amazing energy that you bring when you come. I fucking love you! Thank you.

Lastly, I have some people coming to Coral’s blog like one might rubberneck at the scene of a horrific and catastrophic accident. Coming here to voyeur and to spy and to check up on and edit corals blog, as though they’ve the right to do so. I write about my experiences. I write about my life. I write about these things, these experiences, as I experience them, as that is the only perspective I have to write from. I am so careful to not use names and pictures without permission and quotes without credit. As careful as I am and as much as I care, and I do…sometimes, I miss someone. I fail to see how my experiences may occur to them, as Coral is a pretty uncommon name and ties me to people, via my experiences. For that, I will be more mindful henceforth. I will not be back-editing and I will not be editing myself in fear of how you (generally speaking and to no one in particular) take me henceforth.

I will say this too…I am writing my story. MY story on a blog with MY name. If you are looking for me…here I am. If you are not looking for me and somehow stumbled upon me…please find your way back out. This is healing space. This is a forum to honor me and my commitment to myself. Contrary to how it may look or feel to you…I promise you (again, generally speaking, and to no one in particular) this is not about you. It really is not about you. Corals blog is corals blog. I come here to write and get it all out and to heal. I write my story to heal us all. I do not and never have meant any harm in anything I have ever written about anyone. It really is that simple and so it is.

The struggle is real for each of us and so I send back to the universe what does not serve my highest good..what does not serve your highest good. And so it is. Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

An update on me to help you to see your pain differently. I love you.

Good Wednesday morning everyone. Thank you for the love and prayers yesterday. I had a puedenal block and three pelvic injections yesterday. I won’t lie…it fucking hurt! I almost came out of my skin and rode home on the dash of the fucking Jeep. This girl went down hard yesterday and didn’t get back up until this morning. This morning though….I am fucking fabulous! This morning though…the pelvic and anal clenching have ceased for a moment and I don’t even know what to do with myself…I am so elated. It still hurts and we’ve a long ways today. My back shifted and feels like it broke in two and that is okay. I will handle it. This is the first non-clenching morning I have had…maybe ever. I couldn’t have enough gratitude. To my amazing doctor and her anesthesiologist…to my girl and to each of you…thank you!

Chronic pain…physical…emotional and spiritual pain…it changes us. It wrecks the fucking shit out of us, doesn’t it? Tosses and twists and breaks us…throws us and kicks us…berates us and beats us down, right? Not right. Pain does not do that to us. We do that to us. Our mindset about our pain and why we are in it in the first place…our inaction and our reaction to our pain…not pain itself…WE do this. Our pain is just pain. That’s it. We must begin to understand that as Rumi says, “The cure for the pain is the pain.”

We all have our own interpretations of Rumi and I’m sure we can all agree that Rumi knows love. Rumi knows God. Rumi didn’t die…Rumi simply changed forms and kept on going. We also do that. My Mom is doing that. Your husband and your wife…they are simply gone from your sight. Ever present…and you know this on some level, don’t you?

Today, for me, this moment without clenching…thank you! “The cure for the pain is the pain.” As I begin to understand this and invite my pain to come and visit, I invite and encourage you to do the same. Sit with it. Feel it. Know it in its new form. Introduce yourself and ask it’s name. Share a cup of tea and swap old stories. Ask of and offer forgiveness to your pain, for the millions of ways you’ve misunderstood your pain. Sleep with and through your pain. Awake in your pain and know that you are undoubtedly alive. Give your pain it’s due. Give yourself reprieve, when you are ready and able and let your pain go. Breathe it out. Cry it out. Scream it out in the middle of the forest. Invite your pain to leave you and strip holding it here with you. Let it fucking go and it shall.

I just had my second set of injections via my vagina and into my pelvic floor and it fucking hurt. I was mindful to remember that the pain I was in yesterday was new pain…pain I had to endure to heal the old pain..,AND not the old pain itself. Coming out of anesthesia, I had to sit down by a huge Christmas tree and then I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to know where my mom went, as she must have visited me under anesthesia. I could not form the words and I cried and cried and cried because I couldn’t find her or leave there without her. Several more times I woke and called out for my Mom. In such excruciating and unrelenting pain, I have always called for my Mom. I forgot to remember that my mom still answers…I forget to remember how to hear her…how to hear you…I forget to remember that I am okay and that I am healing through my pain. I want you to know that you can do this too. It fucking hurts and it isn’t easy and you can do it anyway. I know you can. I can and you can. We can heal ourselves if we are willing to endure the pain of separating ourselves from the pain that we have clung onto for dear life for so fucking long.

I love you and I know you’ve got within you whatever it takes to heal you. I also believe in me and I believe in you. We can meet pain in a different way and let pain be our teacher and our escort to our next lesson. We have the power. We just have to make the choice to change the way we look at things so that the things we look at change. I realized yesterday, in all of that excruciating pain, that with over twelve more months of these injections, I had best change the relationship that I have with my pain. I woke up this morning to heal us all by sharing with you what I have come to know. And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you. The struggle is real. For each of us. Always, in all ways, be kind.

Good morning and please say a little prayer for me…

Good early morning, though I write this evening. I have my second set of pelvic injections under anesthesia, in office tomorrow morning. I am feeling brave and I am strong. I won’t lie though, the clenching has me over my proverbial edge and I cannot breathe it out. I am not afraid and yet I am not settled either. The pain of sitting here with what I must endure tomorrow morning and you ask me is it worth it? It is worth it, to go by choice, into a place where I feel safe to be touched in places I’ve been brutalized before, to make me better? Yes. It is worth it to do what it takes to be strong enough to be better…to feel better…to have hope…to give you hope. Yes. I am worth it. Yes. You are worth it. Yes. We are worth it. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it worth the pain? Pain with a means to an end is pain I will always endure with as much grace as I am able.

This…this period of my life. This knowing and this remembering…this letting go and cutting cords…this three year anniversary and these holidays…the enormity of the crushing physical pain that I am in…the battle waging in me to overtake fear with love…to be a light in the darkness…to be impeccable with my word and to do my best…to miss my mom…to begin to know myself…to have to go; to get to go, to heal all of us tomorrow who have had their little legs ripped apart and wide open by those we trusted most…to be strong and willing enough…I am fucking thankful. Am I scared? Yes. I am a little bit scared. Am I powerless? Never again.

So, for now, goodnight. Please hold me close to you tomorrow morning. No doubt, Sam is already creeping in to help me through. So whoever you are, wherever you are, please be patient. Be gentle. Be kind. Hold me. Love me. I’ve got us. Please have me. And so it is. I love you. I’m praying for you all tonight too.

And…good morning everyone. I have a couple of moments before Tamara drives me in for my injections, and I was thinking about all of you. Your struggles. My struggles. The struggle is real, isn’t it, for each of us? My struggle this morning is hopefully not yours…and yet you’ve your own struggle, don’t you. I feel that. I really do. So before I leave my studio this morning, I say a little prayer for you. I send you all of my love. I walk in to the doctors office a Warrior, carrying Sam and each of you who needs it too, into our healing together. Does it hurt? Does it scare you? It does hurt and yet…not nearly as badly as what hurt me to put me here in the first place. Does is scare you? If I look at that fucking needle that they are about to put inside of me before they put me to sleep and put me in stirrups to inject into my pelvic floor, via my vagina…yes, I will be honest…I am a little scared. And so, I say a little prayer for us…each and every one of us. I do not look at that fucking needle ever again. I turn away and let the tears roll down my cheeks as I fall asleep. When I wake, I will let you know that I’m okay. I love you. Thank you for loving me!

A few things I learned last week…

Good Monday morning everyone! What an epic weekend I had! Truly fucking priceless!!

First things first….my girl is home!!! My girl is home!!!!

I spent time with my little brother for the first time in forever. I went to his home and he came to my home for the first time. We met at the home we grew up in and loaded up our Christmas memories together, to go to his home. In that garage…the one we walked through a billion times to get home and to go out and meet our world. In that garage where Shawn held me up, right before I landed in a heap on the floor on Saturday morning…saying goodbye to my Mom again. All of those memories…all of those Christmas mornings…all of the most precious things that my Mother held closest to her, left the house she lived in, just like she left the body she lived in for 66 years, three years ago. Something in me just fucking split. I was holding a box and turning around to hand it to Shawn and my world went completely black. I felt that I was about to go down and Shawn reached for me before I fell. I grabbed on to him like he was the last person on the planet and I didn’t let go until I could stand up on my own again. The tears and the anger and the hurt and the disgust and the rage and did I say the fucking pain? Fuck. Just fuck. Fuck, fuck….it hurt so fucking badly that I literally felt myself ripping in two. Saturday morning in the garage of our childhood home, through a barrage of reindeer and Santa Clauses, Christmas trees and carolers…I was pretty fucking sure that I was just about to cease to exist completely. I felt my life force leaving me as that box was caught in mid-air as I lost it from my hands, and my little brother held me up. In that breaking down, I made a promise to myself, to let myself fall completely, so that I may now rise again, not from my depths and not on new soil. I stand before you now in the soil that I have nurtured and cultivated and sweated into and cried over for 45 years and I build me the way I see me…the way I am…God made me in his image and I can tell you this…we rise the fuck up now. We do not stand down…not anymore…not about things that matter.

Did I happen to mention that my girl is home? Tamara left Sunday and returned on Sunday. In Tamaras absence at the Sanctuary, I walked 92,505 steps, 38.4 miles. I have not stopped except to get a few hours of sleep, to eat a bite or two and to see my clients, except for to see my Brother. If you have seen me in the last week, you have seen me here, at home. Why Coral…pray tell…did you not leave your home? I’m so glad you asked…and let me tell you…I did not leave here because I could not leave here. Not only were there 35 beings counting on me, I also had non-stop shit to do….calls to make…deliveries and appointments to cancel…checks to write…vendors to fire…wait…I’m doing that right now:

Let me be crystal fucking clear for everyone here…If you don’t like people of my particular flavor and if you can’t do your fucking job with some respect and decorum…and if you drive your truck on to my property and launch alfalfa bales at me and my fragile hay shed, all the while glaring a hole through me hateful enough to pierce my fucking soul…oh and if you just so happen to be the manager that I called into and complained to before…stopped using you all together before…because one of your female employees straight refused service to my gay ass in your establishment…to which you said or did absolutely nothing…then you, my hateful and ignorant, unkind and now unemployed by our Sanctuary, friend, are no longer welcome to do business with us. Over the years we have patronized you individually and for the last five years, as a couple and an animal sanctuary in your local neighborhood. We have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars and we have made countless trips through your doors. You have driven across our threshold for the last time. We have graced your establishment with our presence for the very last time. Thank you for the part and place you had in our journey and all of our best. We are done here. It is finished . You are fired. And so it is.

On that note, we need a new, gay friendly…human and animal friendly…appreciative of our business and our 501c3 non-profit, tax-exempt status, respectful of us and all of our animals…our property and our very beings…place to buy our orchard grass and alfalfa in two strand bales, at a reasonable price. We will need delivery and someone to stack, with love, kindness and compassion our food delivery. We do not have a truck reliable enough to pull our trailer or we would not need delivery. We have re-stacked every fucking load they have delivered, and so, henceforth, we are looking for someone to follow basic and simple directions and to do it with love and a smile, so that we don’t have to…so that we can be working with the animals doing our job and not have to worry about if you are in there taking as much pride in your job of kindly delivering and stacking our feed. I put this request out to the universe with all of our love and with all of our gratitude that we abundantly receive for the animals from someone who loves and respects and honors us also. And so it is. Thank you.

Just to put this out there also, in my hands on experience of the last week, the Sanctuary is in pretty desperate and immediate need of some pretty big ticket items. I’m going to list them now and put out into the universe now, to manifest these things, as we are doing the best we can with what we have. We are quickly approaching winter and we need more. In my observation, to make Tamara’s daily life…the one that she dedicates herself to 365 days a year a bit easier, we need the following things. Maybe you know someone. Maybe you are someone. Maybe you have one of these things or maybe you can afford one of these things. Maybe you have money that you don’t know where to donate and no one has asked for your help…I am asking for your help now. I put this out to the universe now with all of my love and intention to make the rest of all of our lives the best of our lives here at Santuario de Karuna. And so it is.

We need the following:

1. A full size, heavy duty, V-8 or bigger, truck for the Sanctuary, in good mechanical condition, with four wheel drive and a trailer hitch and tow package. We want to haul our own feed. We want to pick up our own supplies. We need more. Plain and simple.

2. A two-horse trailer, again, in good working condition, with solid axels and tires, as we will be using it to transport animals to and from the sanctuary, so IT MUST BE SAFE. Prince needs to go to the vet and have his bud amputated. We are going to have to find a way to get him there. The stress of not having a truck and a trailer in our own driveway is a huge and underlying stressor that would help us tremendously not to have on top of us all the time. As with each of you, if your babies need to go to the vet, you wan to know you can get them there right away.

3. 4 winter snow tires and a front plow for our Polaris ATV. We have two flat front tires that I air up every couple of days. We are going to have to plow our driveway and we would love to plow yours…seriously…that’s how we roll. We need good winter tires and a plow. We have the ATV and the winch and we though we were good. We are making it work and we need a bit more.

4. We need to get water accessible to all of our property so that we can water our animals every morning without having to thaw a hose and pray we hit the very limited window of time we have before it freezes again. We also want to talk to a plumber about getting an outdoor, public restroom and shower for all of you. Today though, we need to find a way to not have to carry so much water, especially as winter is approaching and we have ice and black ice. Solar tanks? Any help is appreciated.

5. We need to have electricity to each animals enclosure. Period. We don’t. It’s not safe. It’s grueling for Tamara to haul water. It’s too much. I feel like I got hit by a Mac truck and it was one week. I’ve no idea how she does what she does every day.

6. On Monday, every week, rain or shine…snow or rain or hail…unless it’s too dangerous or the roads are impassable, the Sanctuary needs volunteers. I will be home on Monday and so I will organize and facilitate this every single week, without fail. There will be a set time and we will work together to muck and clean and do whatever is needed to keep the Sanctuary tip top. We will create a team and I need 6 people, every single week, to commit to this. This is an awesome opportunity and will be treated as such, to come be in Sanctuary and to be of service. This is not a tour day. This will be a work day. I am offering six people this amazing opportunity, so please message me and we can set up a brief interview. These are non-paid, completely voluntary positions and I will treat it the same as I did when I managed hundreds of people. If you don’t show up and if you don’t work hard, I will replace you. This is a gift and I put it out there as such…for you, for us. I value you and your time and I will accept nothing less from you. Fair enough? Right on. I can’t wait to hear from you! We begin next Monday. We could just be me and that’s okay. I hope not though…it’s a lot of fun to work out here with these guys!

For today, that is pretty long, so I close in the most heartfelt gratitude for the EPIC work day that we had at the Sanctuary yesterday. Totally impromptu…totally last minute and we had 21 people show up! 21 people!!! For a work day to surprise Tamara when she arrived home from being with her family over Thanksgiving. What a beautiful day with all of you. From the bottom of our hearts and from all of the animals…Thank you. We love you. Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Who are you when you think no one is looking?

Happy early Sunday morning everyone! My girl comes home on this day and I am so excited! I am so happy that she got away and had some time with her family and I am so, so glad she is on her way home to us!

Also, I am so glad that you are here! My blog had been all over the place. I have been all over the place. I’m glad we came back together in the healing room this morning. For all of your love and all of your prayers…thank you. I love you and I pray for you too.

I want to write this morning about how we see one another. How do we see one another? Do we see the God within the person looking back at us? Do we see the God within ourselves peering back in the mirror at us? We are God. God is us. However you do or do not see God…G.O.D Good Orderly Direction (Thank you for that Tamara). God your Savior. It matters not, for We are all just walking each other home. My point is that when we look at one another, we reflect ourselves back. It does not matter who you are looking at…this is true. If you light up at the sight of me you are mirroring a part of yourself that lights you up. If you want to cut me when you see me, and not that that ever happens…you are also mirroring a part of yourself that I trigger in you that you are less than pleased with.

Do you not want me to be better? Do you not want better for me than to see me not being better than you know I have potential to be? Of course you do! The great news is that this means you want this for yourself on some level too. You want to be better than you are. You want to be integrity and to epitomize the reality that integrity is what we do when no one is looking. Let’s talk about integrity for a second, shall we? Recall in this instant the last thing that you saw that didn’t set well with you that you did something to make better? Maybe you picked up a piece of trash. Maybe you helped someone in need. And…maybe you didn’t. Only you know…no one else. Here’s the clincher though, and the one that you completely disregard every single time…YOU know better. YOU are disempowering yourself by not doing better. You…the God within you…your inner moral compass…no matter who you are or what you do…you know. You fucking know. And guess what? So does she. You think that you have fooled yourself and by doing so you have convinced yourself somehow that you have fooled her too. You have not fooled either one of you and you’ve made yourself a fool as the door hits you where the good Lord split you because she doesn’t want to be fooled anymore. You already know she’s gone…your intuition (that is God talking to you by the way) has already spoken. We feel it. We know it. We often don’t want to know and much of the time we don’t know how to know what we have come to know and we know just the same, don’t we? Integrity…that’s who each of us live with or without every single day. What we do when no one is watching is what defines us. If you want to lie to me, be my guest. If you think that by doing so you aren’t doing the most damage to you…I offer you these words…be the change. Tell the fucking truth. It’s easier for one thing because you don’t have to keep track of the lies you told. Most of all though…it’s all we really have. If we can’t trust each other…those closest to us in our very own beds and homes…we need to make some more healthy choices for ourselves, don’t we. If you do not respect me enough to tell me the absolute truth, then please don’t say it at all. Give me you and I will give you me. Those of you who know me well know I’ve done it backwards my whole life…I gave it and hoped you earned it…your trust. It’s your trust. You earn it and we can go from there. For those of you living in lies…for those of you lying…for those of you being lied to…Why? If it’s not true, it’s not real…if it’s not real…look at that and do something about it.

Many of us are consciously working twelve step programs. All of us are working twelve step programs whether we know it or not. If you want to two step your fucking life away, don’t do it on my watch. Not anymore. Be a good and decent human being. Be honest. Practice integrity in all things. Be of service. Go out there and DO it and stop trying to do it. Yoda says that “there is no try, only do.”Go out there and get it and stop fucking whining about not having it. Save the marriage that your pissing away by being unaccountable. Tell her the fucking truth…she already knows so be the person big enough to realize that and own your shit before she asks you again or calls you out again. Love him enough to let him go if he’s really not the one. Let him go find the one. We all deserve the one. Don’t hold on to the one whose not the one because you have not found the one…be a good and kind person. You know what is right and just. Go do that. Be of service. Do something every single day for someone who can never repay you. Most of all though, be honest with yourself. Gut wrenching and soul crushing work…and so worth it. Why would any of us ever want to be with anyone who made us a second choice to anyone else in the first place? Be it a bottle or another woman…another man or a dissatisfaction for the way things are…Why would we stay when they left when they stepped out in the first place? We have to love ourselves better before we can love anyone else better. Loving someone better is a verb. Whatever truth that you have held that came to you during this post…go share that truth with the person you have been lying to and set you both free. Be the change. Be love in action. Integrity…it does matter. What are you doing when you think no one is looking? If you don’t like your answer…get up of your ass and go change it! Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! I love you! Did I mention that my girl comes home today?!

I’m sorry that I did not see you on your knees…

Good Saturday morning everyone! Still troubleshooting my blog and so I thank you for your patience as I get it all sorted out. I’m not sure what loads or what doesn’t or where it ends up so your feedback is appreciated. I do write every single day, as promised and will continue to do so no matter where my blog is at any given moment.

I apologize to those of you who have reached and who’ve not gotten a reach back from me. The struggle is real for me right now and I often cannot reach your hand, although it’s stretched out right in front of me. This season…this upcoming three year anniversary of my mother’s passing…sitting across from my little brother wondering where our Dad went…wondering where the fuck we went…missing myself as I realize how gone I have been from me since my mom got sick…longing to reach some of you and not even being able to speak. My writing is that for me…my connection to you. I am able to come here, in this healing space and to try to sort it all out. I come here to do something that comes naturally to me…that flows through me…that somehow attempts to explain and complete me in some small way.

I am disconnected. Tamara being gone has clearly shown me that.

My footprints have not been in the snow and the mud and the shit. My arms do no ache from hauling water to each and every being here because the hose is frozen solid. My nerves aren’t fucking shot because my whole day and all of my plans just blew out of the fucking water because Prince is hurt and I feel insufficient to help him. I don’t ache with every fiber of my being for the baby goat in the front missing his bobos in the back and bleeding on himself because he’s hurt and crying all night, and there’s nothing else that I can do right now. I don’t muck shit in the moonlight and I don’t haul straw after dark. I don’t have to shovel snow before I can even begin to do my morning chores. I don’t feel the tremendous pressure of 35 sentient beings and one pain in the ass being who doesn’t get why I am as I am…why I snap and why I’m short…why I would rather zone out to the tv than to have to do one more fucking thing today, and yet I won’t because they need me…because she needs and wants all of me. Did you know that a 40 pound bag of pellets will drop you in your living room floor crying like a little bitch at the end of a Sanctuary day that took all of you? Are you aware that everyone really does depend on you? I don’t wake up to frozen water that I have to bust up at 7:00 am. I don’t have to get up in the middle of the night to see why the bears just won’t quit barking, because there is a reason. At night when I say my prayers, since I am already down there on my knees in sheer exhaustion, I don’t have to pray with all I’ve got to keep going. Nope…I haven’t seen my girl down there on her knees. In my own grief…as my world crashes repeatedly around me…I’ve not heard her cries. As I have fallen off my proverbial edge, I must have missed her on my way down because I was crying so fucking hard that I couldn’t see. I didn’t know that one wheelbarrow, filed just right, will hold all of the shit in Karunas upper paddock. I didn’t realize that Gilda does not give one shit that those are not her ponds, but everyone’s water to drink, as she sits her ass in both tubs as soon as I fill them with fresh water and shits.

I have been missing. I have not been here. My heart, crushed into bits and pieces, could not possibly feel the weight of the world that my girl has carried for us for the last three years. My eyes clouded with my own tears have been blinded to her tears. My depression has made a mine field out of my fucking life and I have not seen her falling apart right before me.

I cannot not know what I have come to know. I know now, only a very small percentage, of what my girl endures and powers through every single day. I have been calling on Tamara strength all week long…Screaming her name to get that third bale of hay up there. “Channeling my girl…channeling my girl…come on Coral, you can do this….Tamara does it every fucking day”….and I did it. For a quick fucking minute. I am sore and I am tired and I haven’t slept. Tamara has not been here to keep watch and to interpret the Sanctuary cries…I mustn’t fall asleep. I need a tub and I can’t do it. I need to eat and I just can’t lift my hand to my fucking mouth. I knew these things and yet I did not know them at all, until they were my own. For a quick minute, all of this has been solely on me. I have endured the burden of staying on this mountain to guard and protect our flock. I have heard their cries and I have broken with each of them in my own way. I have missed them so much and they have missed me too. Taos most of all, and we have spooned on the floor and hugged and struggled and made up and done it all over again. Soul crushing work with that one, as she mirrors little Sam so much. Thank you baby Taos for being a kind and loving mirror as I learn to see me as you see me. More than the world and the heavens, and more than I can show you, I love you my baby Taos the mouse. And my girl had had to watch us struggle and stumble and me to fall apart and isolate my own best friend and service dog, just to find myself.

So this morning, I blog with all of my heart for my beautiful, kind, compassionate, loving, forgiving and amazing partner, Tamara. I am off to greet Santuario. Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Maybe today you will see your partner differently and more clearly too. I hope so.

My blog is missing…

Good evening. My blog and all of its contents seem to now be temporarily missing. I have been back and forth with their customer support and all was well and now all is gone. Not gone…just not here…whatever the fuck that means.

Anyway…I have not had time to sort it all out and didn’t know it needed sorting until everything went missing…so with that, and before I say something less than lady like, this girl is signing off for the evening and going to meditate.

I love you. I miss you. I’ll be back as soon as I can. I write and post somewhere every day and I love you and think of you every day. Have a beautiful evening!

What is love to me?

Good morning everyone. I am in the process of merging my blog and my webpage all into coralsblog.com

Your patience is much appreciated as I learn how to get everything the way I envision it. I am honestly not sure exactly where you will be directed or what it will look like during this transition, so we shall find out together. Thank you for being here with me this morning, wherever “here” is.

I want to thank everyone who has reached for me. You have all helped me in ways you cannot imagine and I am forever grateful. Your calls and texts and emails have been life-sustaining for me and I thank you for the lifeline.

This morning has been a little stressful as I have been back and forth with tech support working on my blog. I am pretty novice at all things computer related and so doing this myself is a challenge for me. I am learning a lot. My frustration just overtakes me at my own unknowing of things at times. I am learning patience with myself and I am thankful.

I want to talk this morning about love. What is love? I can only speak from my own heart about this and so I will answer my own questions, as you do the same. How does that sound? Rumi knows love. I love Rumi. Part of my inspiration for love and my burning desire to love is because of Rumi. Ram Dass is love. Dr. Wayne Dyer…love. Maya Angelou and Nakho…SOJA….Love inspires me and love is who I am. Love is where I live and where I journey to and from. I would like to pause for a moment and silently thank everyone who has ever loved me, for you are my poetry.

Here we go:

What is love to me? Love to me is everything I have ever been and all I aspire to be. Love is my beginning and love will be my end into a new beginning. In every form I ever take henceforth, I choose to be love. Love is my cloak and I wear it for us all. Love is the acceptance of who and where and how I’ve been. Love may not have thrown me to my depths and yet, love is pulling me from them. Love is the reminder that I and you and you…and you…we are enough. Love is the warmth in the cold of night when hearing my own heartbeat reminds me of how much I really am. Love forgives my transgressions and love forgives you yours too. Love allows enough grace and mercy for even the least of us to rise up and become the best of us. Love gives us good orderly direction. Good Orderly Direction is GOD. Love is the glue for the brokenness amongst us and love is the hope…the only hope, of our future. Love is nothing special until you give it all away. You cannot hoard love and you cannot have to much. Loves abundance is inexhaustible and she is there even when you cannot feel her. Love brought me here and love will lead the way and guide my path.  You are love. You and I…we are so much more love than we even know. Love is our hope and our salvation and our only choice if we are to survive and prosper. Love is what we are leaving our children and our grandchildren, so we must start taking our job of loving them much more seriously. We forget and so I remind us all that love is an action word. Love is a verb. Love must be given and received and felt and known.  Love connects me to you and you to me. Love allows me to hear you, even when the words you say hurt me. love allows me to know you as I know myself and to feel for you the same. Love is Coral. Coral is love. You are love. Love is you. We are love.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Thank you to everyone loving me through this…(today’s blog is dedicated to Tamara and my Daddy

Happy Sunday everyone. I began this morning crying before my eyes even opened. I’ve no idea how that even happens, almost every single fucking day. I’m beginning to believe that maybe it’s just the overflow valve. After a lifetime of holding the tears in, the dam fucking shattered when my Mom got sick and died. The tears began and have not stopped. For three years, the tears welled up behind that dam have been flowing freely and almost non-stop ever since they started flowing.

This is my new story because waking up like this is taking a toll on me. I feel like I am fucking drowning on an isolated little boat in a dark and turbulent river without a life jacket. Life preservers are being wielded at me and I am reaching back, and before I can grab hold, the waves suck me back in and I miss the rescue boat sent to pull me back to shore. I don’t tell you my story for you to feel sorry for me. I tell you my story because part of it is your story too. Feeling like this, I feel like I’m the only one to ever feel so hopeless, and I am not because you too have been drowning in your own tears. You too have been abandoned and left alone. You have lost your Mom. Maybe you lost your sister or brother. Maybe you lost your best friend or someone whom wasn’t your friend at all, and yet their life touched yours deeply. You had to bury your husband, didn’t you? And you, your wife. How many trips have you made to the rainbow bridge…because that heartbreak is often worse than the family who will never know or understand us as our animals do. So my writing about this is fucking hard. In fact, its gut wrenching and some days I feel like a mother fucking martyr. I’m not a martyr. I am a human being so flawed and so broken that I know every single one of us stands a chance. If I can survive the things I have…I’ve no doubt that you can too. I didn’t know I wasn’t alone and now you do, because I am willing to be so fucked up and flawed and wrong right before your very eyes. You cannot not know that you are not alone anymore. I am right here. And every single person who has reached for me has gotten a reach back of some kind. I will always do my best to be here for you and to help you if I am able. At the very least, I will tell you that you are not alone. I feel you. I really really do.

This morning though, I want to talk about the amazing woman carrying me through this because being with Coral is no fucking picnic. In fact, I cannot even begin to imagine how painful it must be at times, to be my partner, my family or my close friends. I am a train wreck of epic proportions desperately struggling to break free of things not in my highest good. I am asking for your reach and you are reaching and I cannot fucking reach back. You have been here too, haven’t you? God damn it…I fucking need you…Where in the fuck are you? What the fuck are you doing here? Why aren’t you here? And the answer to all of it…I cannot reach back. Through this pain…through this grief and this awakening…I am fucking dying inside also. My blog is my one connection during this very difficult time in my journey to you. If I can offer nothing else at all, you always have this piece of me. Right now, believe it or not…that is a lot. And in most cases, it is more than I have of you. All of this writing I do and all of this reading that you do…I am so thankful we can share this, even if we can’t share anything else sometimes. Your messages touch my very soul. Your stories that you share with me, that you have never shared with another soul…that is why I am here every day. As much as I am here to honor my daily commitment of blogging for 365 days, I am here so that you always know there is someone whom you can be real with who will be real back with you.

Tamara makes that possible…and Prajna and Rocky and Aliah and Baby Taos…Nahko Bear and Mala Bear…Karma kitty and Karma Kai…as we share close quarters. Space feels smaller when Coral spirals outward. Others feel small when Coral is struggling with all of her might just to be seen and heard. The struggle is real, not just for me. The struggle is real for Tamara too. Tamara who loves me more than anyone, who also has to watch me literally crash to the jagged depths of my bottom, to slowly re-emerge and struggle for a few more steps forward, before I crash again to be engulfed by those depths. I am in those depths now and re-emergence will not commence until this season closes. My heart is barely beating and open only a slight crack. My soul is literally in hibernation resting through the winter. I surrender to this and allow it to take me where it must…to teach me what I came for and to awaken me anew.

Tamara is my rock and my salvation as I fight a battle raging inside myself. Tamara is our center when mine completely bottoms out. Tamara held me as I walked toward that casket with my mother lying inside. Tamara often sees me lying in my own, unable to do anything but fucking cry and try like hell to claw my way out. I am not dead yet…although I am clearly dying inside. Watching me disappear completely in these last three years must have been so hard for the girl who loves me more than any other. Submitting us both to some more dying is the last thing I want to do and yet I must. The season is upon me to crawl inside my casket and to stay there long enough to figure out how to emerge alive inside. I must allow the dying to complete itself so that the living may begin. I have walked this earth for four and a half decades and yet I have not really lived much at all.

I just got off of the phone with my Daddy and my heart breaks for him too. I feel him break as I break and the tears welling up in his throat as I fail to regain my composure. As I tell him I feel that I am dying inside and that I feel so all alone. I wake up crying every day and I cannot stop and don’t know why. This happens to him too he says. I tell him I stay distant because I cannot bear to see him hurt for me and I cannot take him hurting me either…at least not until this season passes. We convey and repeat our love for each other and although it makes no sense to me right now, I know his love for me is always there. I cannot go home…not to visit and not during these holidays. His home now and merely the place that I grew up and didn’t grow up at all. I tried to explain to him why I cannot be there right now. He cries inside for me. As we begin to say goodbye, I am sobbing and incomprehensible and I can feel him crying softly too. We hang up in love and reassurance that it is what it as and that we will make it through.

Dad and Tamara and anyone who has to really see this colossal break right through my center up close and personal…thank you for carrying me though. I am being very mindful not to use names of anyone that I have not specifically asked for permission, and although not on purpose, my story will deduce itself enough to incriminate or insinuate others whose stories are not mine to tell. In being mindful of this, please know that I’m not not mentioning you by name even if you are right here with me. You all know who you are. Thank you and I love you.

Please send Tamara and my Dad and my little brother all of your love. Loving someone who hurts so much and who is so unorthodox and inappropriate half the time…childlike and unable to adult sometimes…troubled and struggling…stuttering and baby talking…sobbing and crying and falling the fuck apart…offensive in language and appearance to so many and yet just trying to be myself…I know it’s never been easy for your guys to be seen in my light and I know it’s part of why you’re gone. I love you just the same and only hope that you find a way to love me just the same as well.

As always and more than sometimes, I humble myself today to thank every single person for every single step shared on my journey. Today, with all of my love and my very troubled and broken heart, I dedicate my blog to my beautiful partner Tamara. Thank you Tamara for loving me just the same, like a verb and no matter what. Thank you for being home and for teaching me how to be loved. I love you so so much. You and your family have been amazing to me as I have lost the dearest members of my own. To my Daddy…always and forever your little girl…and always without words needed…I love you so much. Thank you for being my Dad.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.