Happy Sunday everyone. I began this morning crying before my eyes even opened. I’ve no idea how that even happens, almost every single fucking day. I’m beginning to believe that maybe it’s just the overflow valve. After a lifetime of holding the tears in, the dam fucking shattered when my Mom got sick and died. The tears began and have not stopped. For three years, the tears welled up behind that dam have been flowing freely and almost non-stop ever since they started flowing.
This is my new story because waking up like this is taking a toll on me. I feel like I am fucking drowning on an isolated little boat in a dark and turbulent river without a life jacket. Life preservers are being wielded at me and I am reaching back, and before I can grab hold, the waves suck me back in and I miss the rescue boat sent to pull me back to shore. I don’t tell you my story for you to feel sorry for me. I tell you my story because part of it is your story too. Feeling like this, I feel like I’m the only one to ever feel so hopeless, and I am not because you too have been drowning in your own tears. You too have been abandoned and left alone. You have lost your Mom. Maybe you lost your sister or brother. Maybe you lost your best friend or someone whom wasn’t your friend at all, and yet their life touched yours deeply. You had to bury your husband, didn’t you? And you, your wife. How many trips have you made to the rainbow bridge…because that heartbreak is often worse than the family who will never know or understand us as our animals do. So my writing about this is fucking hard. In fact, its gut wrenching and some days I feel like a mother fucking martyr. I’m not a martyr. I am a human being so flawed and so broken that I know every single one of us stands a chance. If I can survive the things I have…I’ve no doubt that you can too. I didn’t know I wasn’t alone and now you do, because I am willing to be so fucked up and flawed and wrong right before your very eyes. You cannot not know that you are not alone anymore. I am right here. And every single person who has reached for me has gotten a reach back of some kind. I will always do my best to be here for you and to help you if I am able. At the very least, I will tell you that you are not alone. I feel you. I really really do.
This morning though, I want to talk about the amazing woman carrying me through this because being with Coral is no fucking picnic. In fact, I cannot even begin to imagine how painful it must be at times, to be my partner, my family or my close friends. I am a train wreck of epic proportions desperately struggling to break free of things not in my highest good. I am asking for your reach and you are reaching and I cannot fucking reach back. You have been here too, haven’t you? God damn it…I fucking need you…Where in the fuck are you? What the fuck are you doing here? Why aren’t you here? And the answer to all of it…I cannot reach back. Through this pain…through this grief and this awakening…I am fucking dying inside also. My blog is my one connection during this very difficult time in my journey to you. If I can offer nothing else at all, you always have this piece of me. Right now, believe it or not…that is a lot. And in most cases, it is more than I have of you. All of this writing I do and all of this reading that you do…I am so thankful we can share this, even if we can’t share anything else sometimes. Your messages touch my very soul. Your stories that you share with me, that you have never shared with another soul…that is why I am here every day. As much as I am here to honor my daily commitment of blogging for 365 days, I am here so that you always know there is someone whom you can be real with who will be real back with you.
Tamara makes that possible…and Prajna and Rocky and Aliah and Baby Taos…Nahko Bear and Mala Bear…Karma kitty and Karma Kai…as we share close quarters. Space feels smaller when Coral spirals outward. Others feel small when Coral is struggling with all of her might just to be seen and heard. The struggle is real, not just for me. The struggle is real for Tamara too. Tamara who loves me more than anyone, who also has to watch me literally crash to the jagged depths of my bottom, to slowly re-emerge and struggle for a few more steps forward, before I crash again to be engulfed by those depths. I am in those depths now and re-emergence will not commence until this season closes. My heart is barely beating and open only a slight crack. My soul is literally in hibernation resting through the winter. I surrender to this and allow it to take me where it must…to teach me what I came for and to awaken me anew.
Tamara is my rock and my salvation as I fight a battle raging inside myself. Tamara is our center when mine completely bottoms out. Tamara held me as I walked toward that casket with my mother lying inside. Tamara often sees me lying in my own, unable to do anything but fucking cry and try like hell to claw my way out. I am not dead yet…although I am clearly dying inside. Watching me disappear completely in these last three years must have been so hard for the girl who loves me more than any other. Submitting us both to some more dying is the last thing I want to do and yet I must. The season is upon me to crawl inside my casket and to stay there long enough to figure out how to emerge alive inside. I must allow the dying to complete itself so that the living may begin. I have walked this earth for four and a half decades and yet I have not really lived much at all.
I just got off of the phone with my Daddy and my heart breaks for him too. I feel him break as I break and the tears welling up in his throat as I fail to regain my composure. As I tell him I feel that I am dying inside and that I feel so all alone. I wake up crying every day and I cannot stop and don’t know why. This happens to him too he says. I tell him I stay distant because I cannot bear to see him hurt for me and I cannot take him hurting me either…at least not until this season passes. We convey and repeat our love for each other and although it makes no sense to me right now, I know his love for me is always there. I cannot go home…not to visit and not during these holidays. His home now and merely the place that I grew up and didn’t grow up at all. I tried to explain to him why I cannot be there right now. He cries inside for me. As we begin to say goodbye, I am sobbing and incomprehensible and I can feel him crying softly too. We hang up in love and reassurance that it is what it as and that we will make it through.
Dad and Tamara and anyone who has to really see this colossal break right through my center up close and personal…thank you for carrying me though. I am being very mindful not to use names of anyone that I have not specifically asked for permission, and although not on purpose, my story will deduce itself enough to incriminate or insinuate others whose stories are not mine to tell. In being mindful of this, please know that I’m not not mentioning you by name even if you are right here with me. You all know who you are. Thank you and I love you.
Please send Tamara and my Dad and my little brother all of your love. Loving someone who hurts so much and who is so unorthodox and inappropriate half the time…childlike and unable to adult sometimes…troubled and struggling…stuttering and baby talking…sobbing and crying and falling the fuck apart…offensive in language and appearance to so many and yet just trying to be myself…I know it’s never been easy for your guys to be seen in my light and I know it’s part of why you’re gone. I love you just the same and only hope that you find a way to love me just the same as well.
As always and more than sometimes, I humble myself today to thank every single person for every single step shared on my journey. Today, with all of my love and my very troubled and broken heart, I dedicate my blog to my beautiful partner Tamara. Thank you Tamara for loving me just the same, like a verb and no matter what. Thank you for being home and for teaching me how to be loved. I love you so so much. You and your family have been amazing to me as I have lost the dearest members of my own. To my Daddy…always and forever your little girl…and always without words needed…I love you so much. Thank you for being my Dad.
Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.