My soul shifts. Seating itself comfortably in time and space…my soul rests. Gazing forward and looking back only to bid farewell. Seeking only to understand…never to punish… finally letting my burning need to understand at all, leave me, dissipate and see itself out. My soul shifts.
In the midst of life, there is death. In the midst of death, there is life. Winter has always pushed me inward. Seeking the warmth and comfort of a fire thats flame has smothered itself out. Spring will be here soon to seduce me out again. In this season of laying to rest and hibernating, I surrender to the still. I wrap myself in snow blankets and run and play with the bears. We frolic and make snow angels. We dance and catch the snowflakes on our tongues. When the cold begins to overtake me, the bears wrap themselves around me and keep me safe and warm. The bears thrive in winter and they are my guardian guides…assisting me in finding the wonder and joy and comfort of the coming cold.
My soul shifts as I remember and accept that which I cannot forget…at least not on this day. Tomorrow though, I am hopeful, that I will arise without remembrance of a pain I cannot find words for. My soul shrieks and rages and rides and falls…ebs and flows…My soul shifts as I remember…as I speak aloud the horrors once only in my head. My soul celebrates the validation that was needed to forge ahead. To be drowned over and over is also to be born over and over again…to be reborn afresh and anew…to begin again. As I rise from the water…the same water that once drowned me and took my life from me, my soul shifts. I have drowned for the last time. I am born and baptized, cleansed and birthed anew…under waters that once held me…I wash it all away, cleanse my soul and forgive it all. I begin again. And so it is.
My soul shifts as we carry Sarah home. To be with her and to love her all the way home. My soul shifts as I recount carrying my own mother home three years ago. My soul cries in longing for another afternoon…another road trip…another afternoon baking Christmas cookies with my mom…a cry so primal and untamed…the cry for the woman who carried me in. My soul fucking screams.
My soul shifts as I sit across from my baby brother. My soul settles into becoming and releases the need to control what I cannot change or understand. My soul shifts as I feel I’ve another sister for the first time…a sister I choose, who happened to marry my little brother. My soul knows I’m strong enough in body to embody what I must for my soul to thrive and prosper and evolve.
My soul shifts again as I arrive home in the darkness of night. After driving through the darkness of the forest and the trees, I found my way home with my heart light. My light, drawn to her light…igniting our light…We are home here. I am home here. I see the bears sitting under the light left on for me and they run to greet me…to love me…to say they missed me. As I crawled into bed and cozied in next to the woman who loves me more than anyone ever has loved me, my soul shifts again and I am so thankful.
Again this morning, my soul shifts as I thank God for my beautiful life…for my nearly five years of sobriety…for sobriety in our home…in our thinking and our actions. I hurt in a more healthy way this morning. I hurt as though I’ve cut my finger, and not as though I’ve lost my entire limb. Those who want to be in my life…who really, really want to be in my life will always find a way. Those who want to will always make the time. Those who say they will and who do not and those who cannot commit and show up…well they simply make more time and space for those of you who do, and so it is! My soul shifts again as I think of each of you and send you all of my love. I sit in gratitude and wonder…in humility and in awe of the love that surrounds me now. Today, I honor each of us for all that we are. I love you for exactly who and how you are. I am learning to let you know that without expectation, so please be patient with me. I am just now learning so much that many of you already know. I M just now living my own life for my own self and I am a little unsteady. Your love and patience is always appreciated. I love you. Have a beautiful day!