Good morning everyone! Thank you for the love and prayers. I am doing better this morning. I was given puedenal nerve blocks on both my right and my left sides yesterday, in hopes of finding some relief. The last two sets of injections were insufficient, and so we have moved to the nerve blocks. I am hopeful and faithful that we are making progress, slow though it may seem. There is somewhat of a deafening and paralyzing pain that is fading…as I consciously and mindfully lay to rest that which does not serve me.
The sky lightens from its darkness and I begin to follow suit. The sun breaks through and I feel the strength to do the same. I recall what I cannot forget and I cry. I realize that it matters not and I still hold on a little…simply because I do not yet know how to fully release and let go of it all. I look to the strengths in others that I myself know I need to polish up on, to study and to know. Strength of boundaries and self-confidence…absent of ego and self-righteousness. Releasing my need to know. Trusting that I truly do know what is best for me and so do you, know what is best for you. Setting the fucking circus down when it’s not my circus and those are not my fucking clowns. Shedding my need for your approval. Learning to value myself so that I charge what I know I am worth to me, without hesitation to you, when you ask me what I charge.
In being the change, I offer myself some reprieve from my constant insistence that I am not worthy and that I am not enough…that I am too much or somehow inappropriate. I am as I am and I need not have your approval. I was told I did need your approval and I know better now. Your approval is not needed.
I’ve some people in my life whom I know without a doubt, would do anything for me. I’ve some people in my life that I would do anything for, as long as it didn’t harm someone else, and truthfully, even if it did harm someone else…for these people, I’ve a knowing and a loyalty…a love that I can’t quantify or measure…I might harm someone else for them. I feel different now about loyalty. I feel different about a lot of things. I am thankful that I do. I am thankful that I’m learning and growing…ebbing and flowing.
Yesterday was horribly emotional and I struggled a lot. Tamara was with me. I was loved and supported and honored and I felt loved deeply at the doctors office.
As I promised, I pictured you as I faded away…you turned to me and I write to my struggling and once addicted self, in hopes that my conversation with me will help you…the alcoholic who still suffers.
Hey Coral..I see you….Drowning in your bottle and not knowing yet, that all you must do is tip it upside down to get out. Coral, just tip and let the liquid that drowns and dulls your sparkle and your soul pour out alongside you and leave it to itself. Coral, as you know, You must reach your own tipping point to tip that bottle over and you must do it for yourself. Look at you Dancing and leaping and desperate to hurl yourself out the top of the bottle you fell into…look up above you to the sky. See the sky?!? You thought the lid was on the bottle, didn’t you? You haven’t really looked up in so, so long. How long has it been Coral, since you saw the sky? You forgot there was a fucking sky, didn’t you my love? I know because I forgot there was a sky too my friend. Look up with me at the sky!!!! And in the light of the sky, do you see my hand outstretched before you? My hand extended before you, to help you to the sky…to help you tip your bottle…to hold your hand..to remind you of your own heartbeat…do you see it now? There are other hands also and I encourage you to grab one. You are drowning in a river and dying of fucking thirst. You are holding yourself prisoner behind bars that do not fucking exist. You are lying to yourself and we are seeing the truth all over your face. We hear it in your voice and we know it in your behavior. You do not fool us and you know this, don’t you? We love you just the same. We want you to be well. We want you to want you to be well. We can’t want it badly enough for you and we can’t make you see you as we do. We can tell you this though…your absence is noticed.
I was struggling yesterday as I sat down in the stirrups, for I was still awake this time, and my world was not quite black yet. I panicked and I resisted because I was afraid of the pain that put me sitting in that chair in the first place . Naked from my waist down with only my socks on, I went somewhere else, and I remembered you…with your pants around your ankles against your will…scared like me and knowing what was coming. I closed my eyes tight and faded away. I prayed for you.
As I awoke crying and afraid, I was taken care of and loved and I channeled this love through me to you. I will not let this take me. I will not let this stop me, from getting what I deserve…some reprieve from my pain, some separation from my trauma. As I faded off to sleep, I took you with me too, so we could rest together, if only for a moment.
You do not know and I do not know…we cannot know the battles that each of us face. Even when we think we do…we only know a little. We have all been hurt. We have all had to leave places and we have all known fear. We have no comparison…your pain to mine…pain is pain and hurt is hurt and we must rise above it. We must call it out and heal it.
I do not live there anymore. I visit when I must, to heal us all…to give us hope…to light the way. Today, on the morning after, as I sit and reflect on my life, I am thankful for the love and strength…for the ones who brought me in…for the ones who left me…for the ones who stayed and for those to come…for those who hurt me, seemingly beyond repair…and for those who picked up the pieces…for those who shattered me…for those who awakened me and for those naive enough to think that I was sleeping…
This blog…this healing room…Coral…we are here together for a reason, you and I . We are here to rise above it and to make better choices. We are here because we fucking survived and we are here to begin living. We are going to have to hurt a lot in the process. We are going to be dropped onto our knees, screaming for mercy. We will want to give up and we must not. We must stay the course. We must stop lying to ourselves. We must admit that we are lying to ourselves. Rigorous honesty my friends…rigorous honesty…
I love you and I thank you for loving me, as I heal through the horrors of my life, to re-emerge victoriously, as a beacon of light for us all.