Coral’s Healing Room at 505-269-9242 I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I love you!

You know I know the place inside you that hurts as I do? The primal scream that just won’t cease and yet won’t allow others to hear its cries. The disappointment over and over and the hurt of those you love the most. The weight that is not yours, resting on your shoulders and the sleepless nights in agony. The cries you hear that others don’t. The pain you feel that others pass in complacency. The knowing that you can’t not know. You and I. I and you. I feel you. You am you and I am not you at all. I’ve come to understand you as I better understand myself. We are the same. We are one. I m because you are. Ubuntu.

The similarities become clearer as our differences fade. Reality is. It is what it is. The knowing of the unknowing graces us if we allow it to. We divide and we come together. We ebb and we flow. We grow. We become. We let go. We understand what once perplexed us. We conquer demons we once feared. We open. We close. We give and we receive. We let go. We accept what we do not know. We hurt. We hurt so fucking bad. We scream: we cry. We go silent inside for days. We emerge and we cave back in. We expect and call it hope. We say we know when we do not. We want to know and yet don’t know because we want you to think we already know it all. We do not know it all. I say fuck a lot. I love a lot. When I’m gone, I’m gone. Sometimes when I am here, I am still gone. We cannot master what we dare not to learn.

The remembering has been hard for me. The knowing. The indisputable truths. The irreconcilable doubts. The nerve blocks lasted less than 48 hours this time. 48 hours is the most relief I’ve ever had from the pain. The pain is off my charts today. I am thankful for the 48 hours. Next time I will have more relief, more time without pain. Not today though. Today I hurt. You hurt too, don’t you? I feel that…your heart. I love you. Have a beautiful Saturday afternoon.

What is Winter Solstice to me?

Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Winter Solstice, also known as midwinter, occurs when one of the Earth’s poles has its maximum tilt away from the Sun. It happens twice yearly, once in each hemisphere. (Wikipedia)

Tamara and I have celebrated the Winter Solstice together for the past five years. Last night was no different. We celebrated our dear brothers birthday with our friends while celebrating Solstice. While we were breaking bread together, he asked us what Solstice means to us. I sat with his question and I answer this morning, what Solstice is to me.

Winter Solstice five years ago was a time of endings overdue and a beginning that I did not see coming. I live now where I visited for the first time five years ago. I am home. I was home then and I may not have known it and yet, I have always felt it. Tamara is home and winter Solstice reminds me of that. We must have our endings before we have our new beginnings. We must break before we can reconcile. We must fall before we rise. We must hurt before we heal. We must weather the seemingly invincible winters to receive the radiant Sun of the welcoming summers. We must hate to know love in its truth and entirety. Only then can we realize that they are one in the same…love and hate. Deeper depths allow us to reach higher heights.

I was not very alive five years ago. I was deep in addictive addiction and didn’t even realize it. I was in the most unsettling, ungrateful and abusive relationship of my adult life and desperately trying to figure out how to get her out. I was miserable and I was stuck and I was sad and I hated my fucking life. On the verge of losing everything, and I did finally lose everything…my house, my belongings, myself…I met the most amazing friend.

Winter Solstice, five years ago, was the first day of the rest of the best of my life. I had no idea then. I just knew I had the best friend I had ever had and I was so thankful. At a time when we both needed a friend…to listen, to accept, to be present…to talk for hours…to laugh the deepest belly laughs of your life with…to go and see the ducks at the pond with…to lie in the Sun and say absolutely nothing with…I met my best friend in that invincible winter. Everything else, I lost and I am so fucking thankful that I did. The darkest and longest night of the year, leading into shorter nights and longer days…as the Sun is being born again, so too was I…so too am I…so too are you!

With heavy wind advisories in effect and no snow on the ground, we were unable to have our bonfire last night. In keeping with our tradition, and I invite you to join us if you wish! I am making a list of things that I want the fire to take away. With all of the love and gratitude in my heart, I say thank you for the lessons and the many, many blessings. I place my list into the fire and I return to the universe what is no longer needed, and what does not serve my highest good. I say thank you and I love you and I let it go! And so it is.

I have come to many conclusions and the one that is hitting me heart center this morning is that my living is finally more important than my Moms dying. My life deserves me and my presence. My grief has taught me so much and I am so thankful. Spending time in the depths of this despair has awakened in me a desire to live without limits, to love and serve and to be, without expectations. And so it is.

Sitting in front of a cozy fire and welcoming the Sun into the sky, I give thanks for all that Winter Solstice has gifted me.

Winter Solstice to me, will always be Tamara and I. This shall be my beginning, my ascension from the grief that knew no bounds. This morning, my list for the fire is simple…”I release into the fire all that does not serve my highest good, the highest good of all of humanity and of all sentient beings, all of my expectations and my hopes disguised as expectations, all of my fears and my resentments of myself and of others. I let go of negativity and negative self-talk. I release my need to be right. I shed my ego. I open my heart. I thank you for the lessons as I turn them into blessings. I let go. I release fear. I release blame. I release you. I release me. I forgive you. I forgive myself. I let love. I am love. So be it.”

So, I have decided that this day shall mark the first day of my 365 Day Blogging commitment to myself for my second year!Thank you for being here for my first 365 or so days and for meeting me here every morning. Thank you for fighting my demons with me and for loving me and praying for me through it all. I love you! Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Let us all awaken anew this morning and let what is behind us go. Let the ones who left us rest in sweet peace as we give ourselves permission to find peace of our own. And so it is.