Good morning everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas yesterday. I woke up in pretty rough shape and I really had to search my soul to rise above it. I meditated and medicated and prayed. I cried and I broke down. I wailed and broke inside. I went inside to get ready to go out into the world and be of service and I got a text from my Dad, for Christmas. A text. In the shower, I thought, I will call my Daddy when I get out of the shower and wish him a Merry Christmas. I came out of the shower spiritually lifted and powered up a bit and yet still struggling. I picked up my phone and I saw the text. I started to unwind. Tears started to fill my eyes again. My chest got tight and I wanted to crawl back into bed. Hearing nothing from my Dad on December 3rd, because the text he wrote never sent, we agreed to call and not text on important days. His idea and I concurred…no more texting, especially on the really hard and important days. And I sit here hurting and not feeling that I can write about it…reading it might hurt him so I must not write it at all. I’ll just carry it. Guess what? I am done fucking carrying it. The hurt I’m feeling…the loss I’m suffering…the one who I miss more than my dead Mom…it’s my Dad. I fucking miss my Dad. The man I write about…the man I can no longer reach…that’s my Dad. The text I got on Christmas, that said says Merry Christmas and you hope I have a decent day…that text was from my dads phone…on Christmas, and I almost shattered completely. I refuse to dwell here any longer. This mother fucking pain is too much and it’s not mine. I’ve plenty of my own. I love my Dad and I begrudge him nothing. His absence is noticed and has been for quite a while now. From October through the holidays, since my mom got sick and died, I have struggled. I walked through the initial struggle of losing my mom with my dad and I left my life and my partner to do so. I regret nothing. I only know better now than to ever put anyone above my partner, even my dying mom and my horribly grieving father. My family business is no ones business and so I regress. Corals blog though…this is mine and I write to heal myself. I come here to heal me and to sort my life out. I do my best to be respectful and to exercise decorum. I write, with love, my truth…the only truth I have, to help to heal us all. I write to get out what has been held captive inside me. As soon as it’s written, I say a prayer of thanks for the lessons and I allow them to become blessings for us all. I package them up neatly and I return them to the universe for the greater good of us all. And so it is. This blog though…Corals blog…this is mine. I write what I want and how I feel. I write my story and my experience here. You may not edit me or silence me or tell me who I am here.
I grew up with so much expectation on me to be a certain way and to do things in a certain way. I tried very hard to meet those expectations. I will not do that anymore. I don’t meet expectations. I will treat you how I would like to be treated. When you take advantage of that, I’ve no choice other than to take myself out of harms way.
My time is valuable. I am valuable. My wants and needs are important. How I feel is important. What I think is important. When I say “No.”…I would like to remind you that no is a complete sentence. I need not expound upon it or repeat it, nor justify or explain it, to anyone. I am taking me back. I am not living under anyone’s shroud anymore. If you have time with me and you don’t honor it, that is okay…it just won’t be freely offered again. Other people who need my time and value me and my time will be graced with my presence and my time.
Christmas was beautiful yesterday. Tamara and I fell apart in the kitchen together. We miss our moms so much. We held each other up and we had coffee together. We cooked together and we got ready and left together, to begin our new Christmas Day tradition together. We had a choice to stay in our pain or to go out and be of service and we chose the latter. We were blessed ten-fold and loved and hugged and nourished. We gave and we received. We loved and we were so loved, by so many. Many of our dearest friends joined us and we made many new and dear friends yesterday…new memories and beautiful conversations. Thank you sister for having us! We love you!
As I sit here this morning, my heart is full. We each make time for what is important. For what is not important, we make excuses. We all make money for what is important. For other things, less important perhaps, we make excuses. I’m going to be real honest here…that’s the way I see it and that is the way I try to live my life. If you don’t have the time to spend with me, just say so. No hard feelings and you don’t need to check me off of your list. You really do not need to do that. Just don’t put me on your list in the first place of you aren’t going to show up. Easy enough, right? I’m not talking about emergencies and broken hearts, being rendered catatonic in debilitating grief…of course I don’t want you to put me before you, ever. Here’s the thing though…don’t tell me you will be there or that you will do something when you’ve no fucking intention of doing so. You know who you are and you know what I mean. Just fucking stop already. I don’t have time for it and I won’t make time for it any longer. Awesome! Glad I got that off of my chest. Who needs shit like this in their lives? Truly…who knows exactly who and what I speak of? It’s the same fucking people all of the time…I call them arm chair volunteers…look at me on social media, offering to be of service, and never fucking showing up…look at me saying I’ve got you when I have absolutely no intention of getting you…look at me being your friend while I stab you in the fucking back…look at me inviting you to say I did and not giving one shit whether you come or not…look at me only contacting you when I need something from you…enough already please. Truly, I am hellbent to be here for you…every single one of you, whenever you need me and however I can. I simply ask that people with no intention of being where they say they will be and with no means of doing what they say they will do to step aside and let people step forward in authenticity. Fair enough?
My circle…my inner circle has shifted dramatically. I’m keeping it small and I’m keeping it real. I’ve no desire for anything less than all of you…your authentic you. I desperately struggle with not taking things personally. I know I fall short. I am a work in progress, just like you. I will never ask you to be perfect. I am asking you to be real.
Yesterday, the real people showed up and it was beautiful. One of our sisters was stricken with grief and pain unimaginable for most of us, and so we held her with us in our hearts all day. We hold her there still as she learns a new way of life. So do we all, struggle in the learning of our ever-changing, ever-shifting and ever-evolving lives. I hope you each heart center this morning as I learn a new way of life myself. Have a beautiful day everyone! Thank you for the color you bring into my world. I love you! I really, really do, love you. I hope you know that.