Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

You may call me ma’am…

Happy Sunday everyone! I won’t even pretend that the struggle is not real for me today. The struggle is kicking my fucking ass today. I am hurt. I am frustrated. I am tired of the fucking hate. I am suffocating and gagging on the words people are fucking mincing. I am fed up with the bullshit. I am over being fucking lied to. I am sick of feeling spiritually bankrupt because I am often so undervalued that I actually believe I’m not worth much…it’s bullshit and yet I buy it. I am done buying it.

Things are coming up for me that are torturing my soul. It’s not forever. For now though…I am a bit fucked up over it. I’m definitely worn out from it. I’m sick because of your sickness and I’m a little pissed about that on this day. You….and you and even you throwing me away has left me feeling a bit like a piece of fucking trash. And to be bluntly honest…I throw up in my mouth a bit when I hear the shit I hear spewing out of yours. Your are ignorant and you do not wish not to be so. You are hurtful in action and only sorry in words. Your words hold no value here any longer. The moment the truth was lost…the moment the tables turned and promises started getting broken…the moments that followed became increasingly difficult for me. Today is difficult for me. It hurts me to say it, and yet say it I must…I won’t be your whipping boy. It hurts me to say it because I didn’t know that I was until the beatings commenced. The faces I see in the dark are darker and more familiar than I remembered them to be. The color that faded to black is coming back in technicolor now. Denial does not serve me and so I speak my truth. You need not listen or hear it any longer. I’ll not waste my heart and my voice to fall on deaf ears any longer.

Like I said…the struggle is real for me today. The words bouncing around inside my head are crushing my reality a bit. I have been stuck in a full blown PTSD spin since 5:00 or so AM. I cannot get out. I have cried most of this day and I have remembered things that hurt my heart. I saw a video of Tiffany being taunted and teased and fucking abused and tortured by ignorant and senseless fools and I fucking weep. God damn it do I weep. I know that pain. I know those snickers. I know that rage that boils over when you just want to be yourself…and you are not permitted to be. I know the hurt of being the person you say you hate, without knowing anything about me. Your ignorant and foolish comments, ignorant as they are, hurt me. Tiffany is my sister and if I hear you call her brother, I will not stand by and pretend that I did not. Tiffany is my sister and you will not fucking call her mister…or sir…not on my watch…not without a word from me. I will not be silent when you hurt my sister. I will not stand down when you stand up where you don’t fucking belong. The ignorance flowing from your lips like wine is not intoxicating to me…your breath of too much drink and the slur across your lips keeps me remembering why it is that I am sober. Thank you. Tiffany is my sister. I ask each of you to please send my sister Tiffany your love. As long as one of us broken, not one of us will truly be whole.

Words hurt. The withholding of words hurts even more. I ask each and every one of you to give yourself permission to stand up for what is right. Do not stand by laughing and mocking and teasing too. Do not forget that what enrages you about me deeply touches something in you that you’ve not yet resolved. Let me not forget the same thing in my conflict with you. I hurt so badly tonight that I cannot console myself. I hurt for who we’ve become…for how we treat one another…for how we toss each other aside…for how we hurt the animals…for how we hurt our wives…I weep for Tiffany, for I see and feel her in myself. I stand with Tiffany. I am going to ask you to stand with my sister too. You may call her ma’am and you can treat her like a lady. If you cannot do these things, then say nothing to her at all. Do not question her, as it’s not your fucking business. I don’t ask about yours and you don’t ask about mine. Deal? I’ve got my sisters back. I will always have my sisters back. If you do not have my sisters back, then you do not have my back either. I am my sister. My sister is me. You are my sister and my sister is you. The sooner we all know this, the sooner we will all be free. What holds you hostage bars me in also. Your pain is mine. Your hurt, mine.

This blog is dedicated to my sister Tiffany and to all of my brothers and sisters in the Queer and LGBT 🏳️‍🌈 community. We have every right to be here. We will not be silent to make you comfortable and we will not stand down when you step up. You are out of line. You have been called out. We will appreciate it for you to stand down, step the fuck aside and treat us like ladies. You may call me ma’am…although I prefer you call me Coral. If you call me sir by accident, I will understand. If you call me sir again, I will correct you more audibly. You will call me ma’am or you will not call me at all. And so it is.

Please send out all of your love tonight to my sisters and my brothers who will not be silent any longer. We will stand up for ourselves and for each other and I am going to ask you to stand up for us to. Will you please stand up for my sisters and brothers and I when you see us being persecuted? Your silence hurts us more than their infliction. Please know this. If we matter to you, like you say we do…start standing up for us. You may call me ma’am. And so it is. I love you Tiffany. I love you. Goodnight.

We fucking love you Cherie!

Good morning everyone! We woke to a blanket of white snow on everything and 8 degrees outside! It’s beautiful and peaceful and quiet and serene. I am home here and I am so thankful. I belong here and I am grateful. I am at peace here. Even in my unrest, I am at peace here in these mountains, here with this woman, here with these sentient and beautiful and peaceful and healing beings. Everyone is still safely tucked inside their cozy beds awaiting the sun. I came down to write and to meditate. The pellet stove burns bright and the lights glisten off the snow. I sit to spend some time with you this morning. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe and warm and content. Thank you for praying with me yesterday. We will be praying together a lot, to heal us all. Until every single one of us is whole, not one of us will truly be whole. We must come to understand this…to know this and to be the love that tips the scales, not the hate that keeps us petrified, holds us hostage and stunts our evolution and our growth.

There is someone sleeping in our house right now whom epitomizes love. Love is an action word and this woman is in action…in selfless action…consistently and all of the time. Yesterday morning as Tamara and I were shoveling and snow blowing our way to everyone, this beautiful woman was preparing for a trip to our house, to help dig us out. With her permission, I to dedicate my blog today to our dear friend and sister, Cherie. Our beautiful angel…Cherie.

Our beautiful angel lives at least an hour from our home, on a good weather day. As I had mentioned, we have been under blizzard watch and the roads, though open, were treacherous. We had at least two feet of snow on the ground and it never stopped snowing yesterday. With many obligations of her own and with her snow shovel and her overnight bag in tow, she set out to brave the storm for us. We had no idea she was coming until she texted to let us know she was stuck and awaiting a tow.

I have spoken endlessly about love as a verb…love as an action word. When we love, we are moved into action. Love is why we are here in the first place.

It is now 4:30pm and everyone at Santuario is tucked in safe and warm. Our dear friend and sister Cherie is home safe and sound…cold as a popsicle and probably ready for a good nights sleep. Cherie left her own rescue and her own dogs and her own husband and their home to come and be of service to us. I cannot think of a more shining example of selfless than that, can you? We had a slumber party here at Santuario last night. We broke bread together and we talked to and listened to one another. We love you Cherie! Thank you for making time for what is important you. We are touched beyond words at your love in action. We are sorry for all of your troubles trying to reach us and we are glad you are home safe and sound with your babies tonight.

Thank you to our neighbors for giving Cherie a hand. You guys know who you are and you fucking rock! Thank you for stopping and taking the time to help a dear sister of ours in need. Tamara and I love you and are so thankful for the love up here in the hood! Truly. We have amazing fucking neighbors. We have amazing people in our lives and we just want to thank each and every one of you for how you see and love us. We love you all right back!

Back to Cherie…what a glorious human being…what a selfless example of love in action. Cherie, thank you for leaving all that you love and hold dear in life to come and help us. We love you. We thank you. We’ve got you too sister!

This evenings, I write for us all:

Some of us who feel the least loved are the most loving. Some of us who hurt the worst, help the most. Some of us who cry ourselves to sleep at night wake up every morning, just to make you smile. We go so far out of our way for others sometimes that we actually often forget our own way back. We love. We love fucking fierce. We regress. We begin again. We fall and we stand back up. We know you need us to stand back up and so we do. We hurt. We are love. We stand united and we know that we are not alone. We show up. We know why we are here and we are fucking in…we are all in…all the time…we are all in. We love. We forget that we deserve love to. We are learning who we are…how we feel and what we want. We will let you know what and how that is. We would appreciate like effort from you. We matter. We love. This is how we do it…those of us who walk this walk. We just fucking do it. We are all in. We are inspired and we are on fire. Our crowns have been fucked with and our sparkles have been dimmed…our dreams and lives shattered…our bodies wrecked and savagely beaten…and still, we will not back down. We stand up for you when you are right. We stand up to you when you are wrong. We care. We draw a line. This line is our boundary. We honor our boundaries and you will honor them too. We insist. We…who is we? We…you and I…him and her…them and us…we. I speak of each of us…of all of us. We are all the same. We are never individually whole until we are each whole. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

Thank you Cherie and everyone who loves us like a verb. We love you right back! I’m off to enjoy a cozy evening with my girl and our dogs. We miss them when we get so busy. Tonight we have family night and we count our blessings…and you are among them! Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

Thank you for this inspiring post this morning Diane! Sharing it with everyone else too! I hope you don’t mind!