Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Good morning 🌙 moon!

Good morning 🌙 moon! Wow! Tamara alerted me to check out her splendor this morning and I’m so glad she did! The moon and a faithful star behind her? Absolutely breath taking!

Thank you for your beautiful and encouraging comments on the improvements to our healing space! Your suggestions are always welcome, as you know. The paint was just a start. And sage…lots and lots of sage!

Coming here in the morning reminds me that I am not alone and also that there are no others. The moon appears to come alone and some nights she appears to have beside her, a companion, such as she does in this moment. The beauty of the moon shifts, as it does in each of us, from moment to moment. Stepping back to allow the sun ☀️ to take her place, they dance and they ebb and flow in and out. Yet, they are always ever present and supporting of one another. There are no others as Ram Dass reminds us.

This morning has been one of beautiful and much needed meditation. Prayers and healing and silence. I am really enjoying the silence! I wish you a beautiful day! I thank you for being here! I love you!

Be someone else’s angel…

Good morning! Welcome home! I hope you like the new paint! I lightened it up a bit in here. That shall be the first of many things we will do together in this room. Welcome back!

I am good! I am really, really good! I had a session with my pain management specialist yesterday afternoon, and he sent angels. I took angels and healing stones with me, gifted by my dear sister Eileen. I was greeted by angels and touched by angels! My physical pain is being healed in a way that lets me know I am purging all of what does not serve me, through whatever means necessary, most recently my body, to prepare for the journey before me.

I have been debilitated for as long as I can remember by pain in my left lower back, knotting up in my hip and gluteus muscles. Yesterday, with loving and diligent hands, with all of the love and prayers of the universe and with the love and prayers of all of you, a portal opened and my physical healing has begun! I worked vigorously and gently, intentioned and steadfast in that face cradle to heal myself…to allow the hands laid upon me to heal me…to let go of the bricks that weighed me down that were not mine to carry. We worked as a team with the angles to open a portal to release this pain and I am so, so thankful!

This shift in consciousness and this ability to see the light obscured in the darkness is my salvation and I thank God and my brother Rumi for walking and working me through this. We do not ever walk alone, for there are always angels among us. Be someone’s angel. Love someone so much that you want for them, more,the very thing that your heart desires for yourself. Want it more for the person whom you are having the most difficulty with. Truly, that peace and love and affection that you’re craving, want that for the person you cannot stand to look at right now, more than you want it for you, and watch your life open up! Watch your heart open up. Feel your own healing begin.

Damn! It is great to be back! I have sure missed me! I am sure glad to see each of you too, because I sure have missed you too, in my own absence.

I challenge each of us to be someone’s angel today. We are divinity, you and I. We are God, in human form, here to walk one another home. God obscures himself in each of us to watch and see who we will become. God sees how we will treat one another, and the true nature of our heart, by manifesting himself as us and allowing our free will. How are you going to treat the God that is you? The God that is before you? How will you show the God within you today? Let us all get out there and get loving and swooping into angel wings, shall we? We have much work to do; you and I.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Cleansing our healing room!

Good morning everyone! I have turned a corner. As I round this corner, I find that I am invited into more introspection and reflection and more self care and awareness. I accept this invitation, as it allows me to take in more and to learn more. I look forward to reading more, to painting more and to just being more. I look forward to speaking less.

This journey has had its moments of difficulty and despair. Moments of hopelessness and brokenness. Sadness and blame have been a constant companion on my path. I had to endure what I had to endure, to be here with you now, and I regret not one single moment. Not one. With that being said, I need to leave my wake behind me.

I learn every day how little I know and I’m okay with that finally, as it gives me so much to learn! My quest for love and to be love is mostly with myself. I am learning to love myself. I have invited you to intimately share this journey with me, and I am so glad that you are here! I am a work in progress and the struggle is real for me, as it is for each of you. It has been messy at times and painful to watch, of that I’ve no doubt.

I have made public, what many people can’t acknowledge in private and that has been a hard pill for many of us to swallow. I have used words and spoken in language that is shocking and offensive and often even foul, to purge from me that which no longer serves me. I have come here to get it all out, to heal, to learn and to grow, and I have. There has been blame and venom and rage in my writing, as I write from my soul. I believe those things have served us, and helped us all to purge ourselves. I believe the time has come to be sent on their way, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. Spewed our all over, it is time for them to go.

I am in a bit of clean up mode right now. The room is a bit musty and needs a good airing out. The stench of the past lingers a bit and so I open all the windows and air her out. I light some sage and cleanse every nook and cranny. All that has been held here is free to go. I am free to go. I leave here in peace. I leave here in gratitude. I leave here in love.

As I walk out into the sunshine of a brand new day, I thank God and each of you for holding space for me here.

When we meet in this space again, it shall be in a place of possibility and purpose! We shall get this room aired out and cleansed of all of our demons and our wakes. We shall allow ourselves to leave all that no longer serves us, here this morning, that it may be cleansed and cleared away, for once and for all.

We survived the storm. We walked through the fire. It is time to rest now, for we are the good things coming!

Presented with a choice to go or stay…we stay in body, absent the passion that is our spirit. We have been dead inside. We have been asleep. We have been in the dark. We made it! We survived!

Welcome home everyone! Today, I call each of us to do a bit of house keeping in the healing room. If it serves you and makes your heart happy, take it with you. If it doesn’t, leave it here. We begin anew tomorrow.

This room will be cleansed and blessed and purged completely out before we meet again. We survived and now we clear space to begin our journey into us!

I can’t wait to see you tomorrow in our new space. Take what you need and leave the rest! I love you!

Closing thoughts from today…we rise!

Good evening everyone! Epic things on the horizon for me….for you…for us! I know this room has been dark and dreary and hard to come into for a while now. Moving forward, this room shall be light and bright and inspiring! Always real and always raw. We are on our way out of the darkness. We survived. We fucking made it! We get to celebrate us now…to step up and out and to find us. This room is our room and we are so blessed to heal here, aren’t we? We are rising up!!!

I came here to count some blessings this evening and you are amongst them. Thank you for walking through this storm with me. We are on our way up now! We are through the worst of it. We made it!

I have a lot to be thankful for and this evening, I am just going to do that…be thankful.

For the most amazing and beautiful and true and steadfast partner and my best friend and my lover and my wife…I am thankful more than words can express. I love you Tamara. Thank you for helping me out of my darkness, even as it began to consume you too. I love you. Thank you.

I had a very powerful and amazing session with my sister Eileen this morning. Her words, similar to so many of your words, penetrated and then I felt the release, the knowing and the understanding of what had already been said to me, by Tamara and by many of you. My Mom and Dads purpose was to bring me in to this world and they did that. Beyond that, I was gifted. I am blessed and my time is now. I cannot both hold on and let go. I cannot be there and here. I cannot be steered by the wake of the past that I have finally left behind.

Shawn and I and JiSan and Tamara are building our little family the way it feels right for us and I am elated..to have family that chooses us. I am so, so happy to have my little brother back!

Somehow, having heard and said the words enough, I believe what I have come to know, I know nothing at all. I need know anything at all. All I need to do is to let go. All I need to do is be. All I have is this moment. And so off I go, to be in this moment.

I love you. I’m better than back. I am being birthed anew and I am so thankful. Good night and did I say that I love you?

Scattered all over this morning…

To be spun wildly by the inertia that is me, has me in a bit of panic and uncertainty as of late. Wiped out completely by waves of my unresolved thoughts and emotions. Knowing that when my mind finally stops that my body will follow, and yet being unable to calm my mind enough to experience the stillness. The taunting and teasing ceases as the carrot once dangling in front of me ceases to exist. There is nothing. Nothing anymore except the void of the space left in between, all of the people and places that mattered so much to me. Crashing and slamming and pounding and racing and ripping is this pain in my heart, attempting to ricochet it’s way out of the prison that holds us. The world keeps fading to black and I scurry towards the crack of light. My heart shatters and I scramble to gather her pieces in my arms. A scurvy elephant all of my life ( Thank you for that reference Wayne Dyer)…I break off to find my tribe.

The darkness consumes me and I claw and gnarl and tear to break free of her grip. My darkness is your darkness and your darkness mine. We are the only way out. When I am in my darkness, I reach for you. In your darkness, reach for me. We will break free…you and I. We will break free to see a sliver of darkness in the light. We will run and awaken her darkness to her beauty and bring her to our light. As long as I must, I shall stay here, enduring what remains of my darkness, while focusing ahead on the light. I am the light. You are the light. As surely as I am learning this, I am telling you…you are the light! I don’t know exactly how to begin with me. I am learning. I am failing a lot. I am getting back up a lot, and I am weary.

Depression hurts. Have you ever seen that commercial? The dog pans in and he is as depressed as his person? Depression hurts. Ask Baby Taos. Ask Rocky or Aliah or Prajna or Nahko Bear or Mala Bear. Depression hurts. Ask Tamara. How it must feel to be wanting only to get in. And how lonely it does feel to want nothing more than to get out. Open the door from the inside Coral…remember? I remember, and I cannot forget, and so depression has made the knob slippery and my hand loses her grasp. With my hand around the knob…too slippery to open the door, I am reminded that depression hurts. My hand is around the knob to the door that is my salvation…the door that sets me free, like a noose that hasn’t tightened to its limit yet. Depression hurts.

You know I just thought of something a little odd and probably blatantly obvious. I grew up listening to virtually nothing but country music. I see people struggling with video game addiction with their kids, and how it impacts them. The violence and the sexual assaults become normalized and kids mimic what they constantly engage with. My music auto-shuffled yesterday and country music was shuffled in with Nahko and Lady Gaga. As some of the songs played, I realize that some of all of this dysfunction that I am in right now must have something to do with being patterned in formative years by by music like that. I am not blaming Merle Haggard or Johnny Cash. I’m certainly not saying that Patsy Cline put the glock in my mouth in my 30s. I’m simply pondering the idea that listening over and over and over again to the woes of the alcoholic, as they normalize the exploitation and sexualization and demoralization of women might fuck a formative child up a bit in their thoughts and feelings. Constant drunken and disorderly conduct being repeatedly normalized must have had something to do with my having normalized those things in my own life. Johnny Cash and “Sunday Morning Coming Down” was my fucking life! I ate Merle Haggards “Rainbow Stew” for breakfast. I’m sure that Charley Pride and his song about when he stops leaving he’ll be gone, has nothing to do with my running from every good woman that came before me. I sat next to George Strait in “The Chair” and I listened to song after song after song about adultery and infidelity. I could go on for weeks…and please don’t get me wrong. These are some of my favorite songs. I’m just fucking sayin, as a kid, with her ear pressed to the speaker, it probably mattered what I was listening to. My opinion is that it does matter. I love county music and I probably always will. Those are my memories and my road trippin songs with a family long gone from me. Listening to those songs now is helping me to to put my own puzzle together, I wonder how significant it is that those were the messages I heard from the moment I was conceived. Again, I believe it matters. What messages do we want our kids to hear? We must be mindful what we play in front of them. I was the worst step-parent ever, as I had absolutely no concept of this what so ever. I thought it my duty to pass it on, in case it suits it serves you. As always, take what you need and leave the rest. We get what we get when we get it, as Tamara always reminds me.

I want my life narrated by my friend Wayne Dyer. I love Morgan Freeman. I just really feel Wayne is the one to narrate my life. He has been doing it in my head for years! Just throwing that out there. Anyway, Rough night last night, and a scattered blog this morning. Rough night last night, and so I write to heal us all.

Thank you for being here this morning. I really am glad you’re here! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

10 Truths that came to me today, and so I share with you…

1. There will never be a better time, than this time right now, to take the first step toward getting to know who I am.

2. I came in alone and I am going out alone. With that being said, I have the best companion anyone could hope for to walk with me and fill in our dashes together. I love you Tamara, to the moon and back and to infinity and beyond! We are home and that is the best part of my life. Our life is the best part of my life and I am so blessed and grateful and thankful to be home finally.

3. I love my little brother and my sister in law. I am learning that we all love differently and that is okay, as long as we love like a verb, always, in all ways.

4. If you leave, I will not follow.

5. If you build it, with all of your heart and soul, and then you find someone to help you build it brick by brick: you have found not only a keeper, you have found the mirror for yourself. Thank you Tamara for being my mirror, even as ugly as that is sometimes. I love you for how you love me, even when I can’t recognize it as love. I always feel your love. I am learning love on my terms and I stumble sometimes. Thank you for helping me back up. I love you.

6. There is nothing that can be done to heal the damage caused by a lie. One lie always means there are more lies. There are no “white” lies, only lies. Once lies set in, the truth becomes, not only obscure, but impossible, for you cannot take back the carefree knowing of the truth. You will never return to the place of safety and security that you once resided in, once the lies defile the threshold, from which your dreams have gone. Of all of the things we can do to destroy someone’s trust forever, we lie about our lies. Lies have no place in my world. Should they exist here now, with or without my knowing, I offer them an invitation to leave should, for they have no place here. I am a truth seeker and a peace keeper at heart, torn apart by the lies of others and held bondage in their deceit. I shed the skin now that ever accepted lies as truth and deceit as misunderstanding. I need only the truth. Just so you know, I am so empathic that I already know it before you are able to tell me, and so your deceit hurts me all the more. I will not spend my time and energy in the nest of anyone’s lies. You bring me the truth and we can go on forever. You bring me a lie and we are never going to be the same. And so it is.

7. In the depths of the despair that I am in, I am struggling to shed my fear. I feel it coming off and then it wraps itself around me in a frenzy. This frenzy fuzzies my mind and wrecks my heart, as I stand ground to my pain. I stand where I have fallen and I rise from my own ashes. Still though, I trip across her embers now and then and I fall to my knees, screaming in agony. This pain is the portal I must take to my joy and so I shed my fear and take up The Cloak of The Christ and I join my brother Rumi. Arm in arm, my brother and I walk across the embers and into the ocean of love. And so it is.

8. There really are only two choices…love or fear. I am learning that for myself. Shedding fear is not the work of the weak…nor the feat of the great. The shedding of fear is unlearning all we have come to know to learn that we are love. We have only ever, always been love. Tainted though we may be, we only came here to love each other home.

9. I am because you are. Ubuntu. No truer words have ever been spoken. We are not separate, you and I. There is no us and them. Ram Dass said he finally realized that there are no others. We are not on opposing teams. We have a choice to be love and we have an obligation to be love. We forgot why we came, that’s all. We came here to love each other home. There are no others.

10. My calling and my life’s work…my passion and my purpose have always been the same, masked though they may have been at times, to love and to serve others, to paint and to write, to love and to teach love to others through my actions. My purpose is to love you home and it really is that simple. I love you. Let’s get going, shall we? We have to spread the message that we are love! I would love if you would help me to get us all on board to choose love over fear. And so it is.

Love letters from my Mom…

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday. After horrible nightmares all night long, I woke in a pain that just won’t quit. And so what do I do? This morning I wrote a letter. This letter hurt me more than any other I’ve ever written. I write love letters to the people I most need to reach, when I have lost my way to reach them anymore. When my words are no longer adequate, I take my heart out of my chest and I squeeze her into my ink, and we dive in together and we write. Some of you, few of you, have received such letters from me. I’m sure you knew not then, that I wrote with the ink of my very own hearts pen. These letters are pieces of my soul that I pull out to spread across a page, to help you to see me, when you’ve no longer your eyes upon me. As I went through some of my mothers things, there were many of these pieces of my soul in her possessions. I knew when I saw my writing, that even thorough the distance, my mother knew I spilled the blood of my own heart and soul to reach her. When I could not reach her any other way, I wrote to her love letters. When she could not reach me any other way, she read them. When my Mom could not reach me any other way, she wrote me love letters. When I could not reach my mom any other way, I read them. I read my Moms love letters still, when I feel that I cannot reach her.

Today, I offer a love letter, through this distance and this silence, to my Dad. My Dad checks his mail every day, even on Sundays 😘, so I know he will get the message that I prepared with all of the love I could muster in my heart, in the mail this week. My dearest father, my first love letter.

I cannot find the exact quote or the author, so if anyone can, please send it to me…I paraphrase below one of my favorite quotes of all time:

When words are no longer adequate, when our feelings are greater than we are able to express in a usual manner; people turn to art. Some people turn to the canvas and some people dance and some people paint. Some prefer music. We all go beyond our normal means of communicating, to express ourselves. And this is a common human experience for all beings on this planet.

This quote, given to me by my art teacher in ninth grade reminds me a love such as this that I have for my father, and so I write.

Thank you my sister for your texts last night which prompted this writing this morning. I love you.

I hope each of you have a beautiful Sunday. I love you. Thank you for being here.

I love you Dad.

I found the remedy for my pain!

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I had a rough night, full of nightmares and dreams of vomiting and running and vomiting repeatedly. The tears started as soon as I opened my eyes and I said hell to the fucking no! I am not letting this pain hijack me again today! I jumped into action this morning, with my new remedy for this pain. I know I have to change the way I am looking at things and so when I feel like this, I have committed to being of service in some way, to take me out of me. I will not be controlled by my fear and my pain, at least not today! I know the remedy for my pain is to be of service, to love and help others…to be love…to hug and smile and laugh and to share myself with you!

I came down to the studio to blog and to meditate. Somehow, I needed to do more. I received and email from Propeller yesterday and I finally opened it this morning, inviting me to volunteer on Andrew McMahons tour. Andrew founded the Dear Jack foundation to help young adults diagnosed with cancer. I disregarded it a few times and something kept pulling me back. I listened and I opened it and I applied to volunteer at his event in Aspen Colorado on March 10, 2018, for his Upside Down Flowers Tour. I always find myself wanting to do things like this and I rarely make the time. We make time for what is important. Loving and being of service and healing…those are all top priority for me right now. I am going to make the time, even though I could give myself a dozen excuses not to. I am important. You are important. Being of service to one another is why we are here. We must truly look at what is important to us and at what drives and heals and propels us, and we must take action.

My Mom died unexpectedly and very quickly of cancer, on December 3, 2015. I have not been okay since. My life literally went offline to a large degree, and has been such since. Countless hours at the cemetery and billions upon billions of tears. So, so much loss. So, so much unrecognized and unhealed pain. I have shaved my head for many, many years for people with cancer. My mom insisted that I not shave for her and I honored her wishes and did not shave while she was living. After my Mom passed away, I shaved my head for her and for so many of you with cancer,and I had “FUCK CANCER” tattooed across the back of my head. Presently I am shaving for 5 people in my life with cancer, and for everyone battling cancer. I shave every couple of days and I shave in silence, solidarity, prayer and reflection. I will never not shave my head, to give Sampson’s strength to those of you fighting this battle. Please know how much I love you and that I am with you always, loving you and cheering you on. When your time comes, I will be with you still, to carry you home. I will always be with you.

The past two weeks hit me even harder than my moms cancer hit me and I have not been okay at all. I have known not what to do. I have been a constant companion of Wayne Dyer and Nahko and SOJA and Rumi. I have been in silence and in prayer, wailing on my knees and inconsolable. Yesterday, with all of my might and with everything in me, I promised me to pull me out of this before it destroys me. I know I came here to love and to teach love, to be of service and inspiration. And so it is.

This morning I made the same choice again. One minute at a time for me right now, with one foot in front of the other, I cross the threshold into me…I am here to find me! I hope you will come along. I’m so glad you are still here. I fucking love you! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for how you all love me. Have a beautiful day everyone! Go out today and be an instrument of thy peace. Be someone’s reason to smile. Be that hug that you give away because you know you need one too.

I am back!

Good morning everyone! Happy Friday! Thank you for sticking with me. I know I’ve been gone from this, our healing room. My pain has not been able to be contained in my own home and so I have been down the driveway in my studio, as to not impact Tamara and Rocky and Aliah and Baby Taos and Prajna and and Nahko Bear and Mala Bear and Karma Kitty with all of this pain. I’ve not wanted to bring the depth of my mourning and despair into this place. I have had no words. I have been in such pain and devastation and despair that I could not write much at all. To be honest, I’ve done nothing much more than cry and meditate and pray. I have been working in and on the studio. I have been catatonic and in shock…until the shock wears off a bit and then I just wail in agony. My eyes are barely able to open at all from all of this crying and my face hurts. In the kitchen last night, I grasped my chest and almost went to my knees in agonizing pain, as I literally, physically felt my heart breaking. I write to heal myself and to get it all out. I created this space to do just that. I’ve not been able to come to my own healing room and I’m not okay with that. I’ve not been able to speak my truth and to articulate my experience. I have been paralyzed in the very worst pain of my entire life and I’ve known not what to do. Yesterday, I cleared my day to honor this day as a day of mourning in the studio. Uninterrupted and sacred. Last night before I went to lie down, I decided that last night, I should have a death of my own. I decided to see my wake for what it truly is…the trail that is left behind. I have spent the last several days with Wayne Dyer and he reminds us that the wake, the path that is left behind us, will never be able to guide and propel us forward. The boat cannot be powered and guided by the trail that it leaves behind. This morning at my own wake, I lie to rest the trail that is left behind me…my past and my own history. I will be driving my own boat henceforth. Thank you Wayne for walking me through this. As soon as my wake is over this morning, I dedicate and honor this day as that of my own resurrection, rather than a day of mourning. I have given the last 390 days and most excruciating of all, the past 14 days to mourning the loss of someone, as I knew and understood and believed them to be. I cannot speak more about this right now. I have given 1120 days to mourning and grieving the loss of my beautiful mother, may God rest her soul.

Today, I honor me and my resurrection from the death that has been my life, from the pain that has been my existence and from the bondage of what others think of me. With all due respect and nothing more, I honor each person who has touched my life. I forgive myself for my transgressions and I forgive you for yours. I set my sword down. I turn from the back of my boat and the wake that I saw as my guidance and my direction and I turn to face the sun…I look ahead into the distance and I see nothing but good things coming. And so it is.

To each and every single one of you…thank you, from the deepest place in my heart for how you love me and pray for me and feel me. I love you so, so much. To Tamara and Baby Taos and Rocky, Aliah, Karma Kitty, Prajna, Nahko Bear and Mala Bear, Sigrid and each of you who have held loving space for me, thank you. I love you with all of my heart.

When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change, as Wayne reminds me, and I remind you. Let us see the path in front of us and be guided by our souls purpose, that we may free ourselves from the bondage of our pasts.

I love you and I thank you for staying with me, even when I couldn’t be with me. Have a beautiful Friday. I love you.