Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I am 5 years sober today!

Good morning everyone! I am overflowing with gratitude this morning for my sobriety. I am not going to lie…it’s all a bit surreal.

Five years. My life has changed so much in the last five years. Being sober is an experience I never wanted to experience. Now I have no desire to ever be drunk again…no desire to be absent…no want to be numb enough that I convince myself that I don’t feel at all. Becoming me is an eye-opening and life-transforming experience. I thought I was me and so all of this un-becoming…well it’s a fucking trip to be honest with you! Sobriety for me, is a choice I never even knew I had and not a choice at all. Abstract and so fucking concrete all at the same time.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

This morning…this day…this date…all markers for a journey that I’ve been on. I’m just going to start writing my emotions…my thoughts…and maybe it will make sense. Maybe it won’t. This morning I need to purge some, to release some…to just do me a bit.

My reflection on the last five years:

Five years. A lifetime. Yesterday. Counting seconds. Days eternal. Infinite depth. Buried alive. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Fractured bones. Destroyed relationships. Broken dreams. Countless Coronas. Lime trees. Broken. Absent. Missing myself. My drink was my medicine. Medicine for the pain of my past and medicine to keep moving at all. Alcohol saved me. Alcohol destroyed me. Five years ago I stopped.

I stopped drinking. I stopped numbing myself and my pain. Five years later, without my medication, I fucking hurt. My body hurts. Sober hurts. Stinking thinking hurts. Dry drinking hurts. The Serenity prayer helps. Being of service is the only real salvation. Ever. For anyone. Love is the answer. For all things, love is the answer. My sadness shows itself to you as anger. Mostly, I’m just sad. Today I am silent. Today I am thankful. Today I reflect. Being sober with Tamara is my most beautiful gift. Tamara is my most beautiful gift. I love you Tamara. My little brother is my most wanted gift, ever. I love you Shawn. My Mom is my greatest loss. I am my Fathers greatest loss. I love you just the same Dad. Even when it hurts the most, I love the most. I always have. What isolates me from you brings me closer to me. I am five today. I stopped believing that I could drink just one. I stopped lying to myself. I wanted what you had and so I went out and I got it for myself. I miss my Mom today. I wish my Mom could be here to see me now. I am here to share what I have with you. Sometimes it hurts too deep to bridge the gap. Scapegoating is not for me. Sober is the new strong. Strong is the new humble. Humble is. I am. You are. I am because you are. Ubuntu. I love you.

Today I thank God for the courage, especially on the days I feel so weak. Because of my sobriety, I am coming to know serenity and I am so thankful. The work for me is in the wisdom to know the difference. And so, on bended knees I pray:

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me to keep coming back. Thank you for sending me someone to help me to find my way in the blinding storm. A storm that I had no fucking idea that I was in. Blinded. Thank you for Tamara. For every lesson, turned blessing and for every “no” that led me to a “yes”…for every ending that became a beautiful beginning…I am so thankful. Today, I thank God for reminding me of who I am under the shroud of who I was made to believe I was. To each and every one of you who loves and believes in me…thank you. Blessed and so thankful for the crack where the light enters me. Thank you my soul brother Rumi for illuminating my path. And so it is. Amen.

I celebrate each of us today. My five years and your five minutes…your fifteen years and her 31 years. Your desire chip and my hand outstretched before you. I am here and I love you. Have a beautiful day today!

Happy New Year! We are talking about a Revolution!

Good evening! Happy New Year to you and yours. We have literally been trying to dig our way out all day. I am just now sitting down and drying out a bit. I thought I would write before I drop.

I thought I would get up and meditate and write and begin my day and the new year off differently. I was quickly and abruptly reminded that I am in charge of absolutely nothing. It is 5:17pm and I am usually blogging at 4 or 5am. How quickly we forget how we are not driving this bus. Three and a half feet of snow on the ground and 40 beings depending on you will shift your priorities a bit.

I had to cancel clients because I cannot safely get out. I panicked as I tried to work and sort it out. I surrender and accept that it will all work out. No work. No pay for me though. Tomorrow isn’t looking like I’m getting out again. I started to panic and am reminded again that I am in control of nothing. Every little thing is going to be alright. Bob Marley would not fucking lie to me.

I am blessed beyond measure. I am living in a Sanctuary in the mountains with my soulmate and my best friend. We are here together no matter what and that makes me happy. I mean, to know that I belong here and that I won’t ever not belong here. Like everyone here, the rest of my life and the rest of Tamara’s lives here will be the best of our lives here too. I can shovel for days or until I drop dead shoveling knowing that I’m home. This girl…this life…this opportunity…I can shovel all night if I must.

I really don’t do New Years resolutions. Every day I strive to be better than I was yesterday. I believe this year…2019…I believe we are talking about a mother fucking revolution! We are talking about standing up. We are talking about being a voice. We are talking about a revolution. Equal rights. We are done sitting back and sitting down and shutting the fuck up. We are done standing down and pretending that we did not hear you. We will not be quiet while you audibly berate us. We will not bow our heads in your fucking shame for one moment more. Your teasing…that’s bullying, and it has no place here. Your mocking…ya, just stop. Truly…shut your ignorant mouth and just fucking stop. Be kind. Be honest. Be real. Be love. Or be quiet.

I hope you have a beautiful evening. I hope you have set yourself up for a beautiful year! That is how you have a beautiful year you know…you just know you are going to have a beautiful year. You don’t hope for it or wish for it…you just go out there and have a beautiful fucking year. That is what I am going to do. And so it is.

Goodnight everyone. I love you.