Good morning and happy Friday. I feel inspired to write a letter to my girl today. And so it is.
I’ve been wanting to sit down and write you a letter and the time has not allowed it. I write every day and somehow, this morning, it just feels perfect to write to you here. Only pieces of us that we both don’t mind sharing will be spoken of. I write publicly because I have the time carved out and I’ve got some of the words flowing. I also thought that maybe my love letter to you might fit for someone else (like a hallmark card…or not…we shall see!) who could not find their own words for their beloved…soulmate and best friend. So, here it goes. I write for you today my beautiful girl, with all of my heart. I love you.
Watching you yesterday in our winter wonderland with news cameras and your carefully prepared list of the animals needs, I saw you differently…deeper…more raw maybe. I see you. Maybe I just saw you a little more busted up…a little more open…a little more vulnerable and yet not vulnerable all. I saw a little girl and a grown woman. I saw me. I saw you stand up and ask for help. I was…I am so very proud of you. I don’t like the word “proud” really…and yet I’ve not another word to say to you that quantifies my feelings. To do someone proud is to act in a way that gives someone cause to be pleased or satisfied. You consistently act in a way that is selfless. You are always teaching and always craving knowledge. You inspire me every single day. Finding ourselves coming up a bit short…a bit stressed and a bit over our heads, you asked for help. I am so fucking proud of you for that Tamara. I really do look up to you and model myself….my own F-bomb dropping, crass and crazy self, after the things I see in you that make us all better.
I learn every day from you things that I have to unlearn from my life before you. I watch you, a sober woman, and I learn how to be a sober woman too. I listen to you and watch you speak vegan and compassion and I am learning to speak vegan and compassion too. I am because you are. Ubuntu. You even taught me Ubuntu. Thank you Tamara.
When we got the call that my mom was in an ambulance headed to the ER, and our life fucking stopped…and my life fucking shattered…and when it wouldn’t stop shattering, you gave me cover from the shards falling all around me. When I lost everything and everyone who mattered most to me, you sat backseat and let me cry about what I lost, while I overlooked what I have. It must have hurt you to have been so invisible as I ceased to exist myself in a grief that could not be tamed. When my friends and family chose to go on without me, you allowed me my space to fall apart. I know my pain and my inconsolable wailing broke your own heart and sound barriers. Thank you for loving me on through to the other side. When those I swore would never leave me, left me, you stayed with me. I know I wasn’t the most pleasant to stay with. Thank you for staying anyway. When I felt I no longer had a home to go to, you called me home here. I was scared and resistant and I often didn’t know how to stay put here. Thank you for always loving me enough to keep it open and to never cage me in. When I couldn’t…when I just fucking couldn’t…thank you for keeping us going. The last hit that just keeps on hitting…thank you for waiting in the wings for me until I learn how to step away from all the blows.
When I first saw you all of those years ago, I didn’t see you at all. In my own personal hell…I saw only my next drink…only my own pain. You saw me though… and I am so fucking grateful that you did. The next time I saw you, I knew somehow, and consciously not at all, that I was home. I was not wrong. Tamara, you are home. Wherever you are, I am home.
I know that without meaning to be, I can be a bit crass and harsh and emotionless. Without meaning to at all, I project my shit all over you. Thank you for loving me just the same. Thank you for not leaving me because I’m not where I want to be. Thank you for loving me even when I could not love me.
Your activism and your passion lit me on fire. Your dedication and your resilience have jump -started my own. Your drive keeps me going. You inspire the fuck out of me my girl.
I have learned to learn who I am and I am learning to think what I think. I think watching you do it has inspired me to do it for myself. You have never once made me wrong. I didn’t know we could both be right. Now I don’t want to make anyone else wrong either. Thank you for teaching me by example so much of who I am.
In our quarrels, thank you for letting me know it’s okay to disagree. I did not know that it is okay to argue. I did not know that we could argue and you could still love me. Thank you for teaching me to disagree peacefully…more peacefully…I’m a work on progress for sure.
As I shed so much of the ideology and thinking that imprisoned me, I thank you for your patience and your love. I am learning so much from you my love.
Shoveling for days and days in the snow…in the stillness and the silence…the beauty and the wonder. In the darkness and with the glistening sparkles across the expanse of white winter…I found inside myself the will to live again. As I pushed with force at first…I learned quickly to be gentle. The snow moves with invitation and in a gentle and subtle dance with your shovel, if you allow yourself to dance. When you could not push one more snow drift, you looked to me and we pushed them together. When I could not take one more step, you came from behind and slapped my ass and made me laugh, and we trudged on together, up the mountain of snow that is our driveway, to honor our commitment together. This Sanctuary that we co-created on this land that we care for as we hold dominion over these sentient beings…our life…our love…and I am so thankful…to be in constant service and to be in constant motion in the pursuit of a better world for us all.
I love you Tamara. To the moon and back…to infinity and beyond…in this lifetime and in every lifetime to come…with all of my heart and with all of my love and gratitude.